I said I liked your shoes, you said "thanks, can I follow you?"

Holy cow…

Well, hello there!

SOOO MUCH SHIT has happened since July or whenever it was that I last posted.
I will try and do a recap/blow by blow of my life since then (because I have about, ohhh… three and a half hours to blow before I can check my suitcase for home. That’s right ladies and germs, I am trapped at Regan intl. airport until further notice. Will whatever airline I decide to use PLEASE try not to mess up? Again? Freakin’… second time in a row I’ve had to spend the night somewhere. At least Delta gave me a room, freakin’ US Air is making me sleep in the airport. Fuckers.)

Ahem.

Ok so shortly after the white stripes concert, I decided to tell Colby I liked him. Well I didn’t really decide, it was more like he made me think he liked me so I said something. Turns out Laura has her claws in him deep. Probably all for the best anyway. Luckily we are still good friends. I hope. Lately he’s either really busy or I am bugging the crap out of him because it seems like there is no possible way to get ahold of him.

{Still not over him for the record. Silly, I know. Know, but don’t care}

So I went to college. Oh man… I don’t even know where to start. I was kind of hoping I would get to see Sarah and Ryan more (bahahahah) but…. Yeah, NOT. Whatever though. I understand. Kinda.

So I’ve basically had to make my own way in the world. Which has had its moments, but has pretty well panned out overall I suppose. I finally dated Todd for a while. My roommates were all really freaked out when I hung out with him for the first time. I was super freaked out too, but I went with him anyway. Whether or not that was terribly smart of me was another thing entirely.

Todd… man how do I even begin?

The boy had some really weird ideas about things, which I mostly just ignored. I felt really bad mostly because I always had the feeling that he was way more into me than I was into him. Turns out that’s kind of a sucky feeling. I always kind of imagined it to be kind of cool (secretly) but it really isn’t. I’m horrible. He was really sweet… too sweet. That turned out to be his downfall, at least for me it was. I seem to have a little bit of a skewed version of how things are supposed to go relationship wise. Well, either I do or he does. He would always say “I want this to be your best relationship. The relationship by which all of your following relationships are based.” Sweet… yet oddly disturbing. And then near the end of the relationship, he would show up at school unannounced. This REALLY weirded me out, and I don’t know if it should have. I mean, if I REALLY liked him, I should have been psyched to see him. But it was just really creepy to me.

At any rate, I dumped him. Well I like to think of it as a mutual thing because during a rather deep discussion about where our relationship was headed and about how it was stressing me out school wise (which apparently was more important than him according to him…. NOT), he was all “I feel like I should break up with you, but I don’t want to if YOU don’t want to, because I still want to go out with you” and so on.

Freakin’…. This is making me tired. I’ll write more later if I get the chance.

I can tell that we are gonna be friends

Holy crap!!

I just experienced THE MOST AMAZING weekend of my life.

It was... soo good.

Hanging out with awesome friends.

No awkward lugbuggyness.

outdoors by water.

SWIMMING!!

Taking sweetly shmegged-up photographs.

Meeting the demands of the canoe trip from a not-fun place.

And most wonderful of all... WHITE STRIPESSSSS CONCERT!!!!

The beautiful and talented white stripes who ROCK LIVE!!

Liquid sleep.

Feeling strong and confident in a crowd of stupid people.

Blind driving.

Midnight discussions about feelings and how it's ok to feel them.

And now... sleep.

I. Love. Everything.

i'll be right beside you dear

Good grief.

I love how my brain shuts down every time I try to talk to Ryan.

EVERY FREAKING TIME!!!

I go into flaming retard mode the second we start having a conversation. It’s bleeding horrible.

I can’t describe anything, all ability to talk in complete sentences is gone, I have this intense need to agree with everything and avoid conflict at all costs (which is how I operate anyway…). IT’S HORRIBLE!!

I hope I can keep it together when we actually are around each other in person. If strawberry festival is anything to go by, then it doesn’t look good.

BAAHHH!! He troubles me to no end.

I was so excited about talking to him tonight, and then the second he comes on the phone it’s all “Oh, ahhh, ummm….” And other sundry nonsense. I HATE IT!!

Ok I guess it’s time to stop beating myself up… now.

I don’t get it at all. It’s like I can’t be normal around him. It’s physically impossible to even make sense. Even now when I’m not talking to him I’m having a hard time thinking coherently.

It’s either that or the fact that it’s midnight and I’m running on maybe… 6 ½ hours of sleep… yeah I’m gonna blame it on that. Good idea.

In summary:

Went on the date with Ben. It was interesting and ended well (and by ended well I mean we’re just friends… or so I think)

Had a sweet weekend hanging out with matt n Colby and sarah and the gang. Colby’s coming to White Stripes with us next weekend. Yay!

Oh MAN I need sleep so I can be coherent again. I miss being smart.

I guess Ryan’s hair is purple-y blue now. Typical. Freakin’ raver.

*drool*

Goodnight!

<33

it's the feeling I get, my palms with sweat, like some kind of daydream I'll never forget

Shit!

Auuugggghhhh the most awkwardest thing happened just now….

Shhhiiiiiittttttt!!!

*hyperventilation* Ok…ok… all better…

Fricken’ A, this always happens to me.

And I don’t want to talk about it.

BITCH!!

Ok… I completely forgot what it was I wanted to write about.

Oh right, I’m going on a date with Ben. We were supposed to be going to see Ratatouille Saturday night, but because the showings after sunset were so late we decided to just go Thursday afternoon. I never really thought I would be going on a date with him, but surprise, surprise. I’m not really sure if I like him or if I confused liking him with just being in total awe and admiration of his intense geekiness. Hard to tell.

Still really don’t want a boyfriend right now. But this seems harmless.

It’s so weird… he always seemed so business-like. I think I must have had the vibes going a little strong. Maybe? I don’t know.

I’m just really, really hoping things don’t end badly.

And three cheers for Ex (otherwise known as Excedrin.) Ex is just such a cooler word for it.

I think since I’m outta cool new things to talk about that…*sigh*… I’m ready to talk about awkward new things instead. Or what happened earlier this post.

K well talked to Ryan on the 4th/5th (yeah it was super late) and I told him about my first kiss, and he explained to me why it wasn’t really my first kiss. I guess that since I didn’t really feel affected by it at all, that all it really was was a lip touch. (Or, as he called it, a brother sister kiss, which is NOT how I like to think about it. At all)

ANYWAYS, he went on to describe (in unnecessary detail I might add) his “first” kissing experience and how intense it was. It was a good story and he got really worked up. We went on to talk about other things obviously, but when I got off the phone I was all bummed out. I guess it was because it took me so long to get this lip touch that it made me wonder if I’d ever have a serious kiss any time soon. He said something about waiting until my wedding day, buuuttt…. Hopefully I’m not that undesirable.

So then I IMed him this afternoon and told him I was bummed out by our conversation and he’s like “You can call me if you wanna talk about it” and I said “K well I’ll call you later.” So I texted him like an hour ago to see if he could talk and he didn’t answer. I thought about it and thought about it and decided to just go ahead and call him. What was the worst that could happen?

I obviously didn’t see THIS coming…

So after about five false starts I finally dialed his whole number without hanging up. It rang and rang and rang and I was praying “Pleeeeease let his answering machine pick up” (I was worried that he’d be asleep and I’d wake him) And then, just as I was about to hang up, he answers and in like one breath he goes “Hey Amanda, sorry I can’t talk I’m getting my car towed, feel good about yourself, I’ll talk to you later.” And I manage to stammer out “Ok bye” somewhere in there. And I’m 110% positive that there were other people there.

I know it doesn’t sound like much but trust me… IT WAS PURE MORTIFICATION.

SHIT! Why do I never listen to that little, nagging voice in my head? It’s there FOR A REALLY GOOD REASON!

K, well, there’s my sad story. I hope someone still loves me.

Oh wait, someone does.

And that someone would be Ben.

HAAAAAAH.

‘Night loves.

i'm a martyr of my love for you

Wow I don't really know what to say...

Ceased caring about Josh. Good plan I'd say. That way if he never does call me (an act I no longer feel the need to carry out) I won't care.

Highlighted my hair blonde in a fit of menstrual je ne sais quoi and was subsequently forced to re-dye it brown. It looks pretty cool now, a very light brown with some still, quite noticeable highlights. I really rather regret doing it, but in the same sense I'm glad I did it because.... hahah I don't know. I'm proud of me for acting on impulse for once. Wait... that's all I ever do.............

Anyway...

Went to Matt's birthday party on Saturday. That was pretty cool. It was kind of awkward because it was mostly his family there and... well for part of it I kind of felt like I wasn't fitting in well at all. We went out to eat at a mexican restaurant in Waterville and then came back to Matt's house and watched Milo and Otis. Everything from the ride home on went fine. I really like hanging out with Matt and Colby mostly because I really feel like I can be my awkwardly weird self around them and not feel like I have to hold much back. Of course they probably think I'm freaking weird, but I feel the same way about them most of the time so it all evens out.

I don't know... just really fun.

I really need to work on getting my life (and by life I mean room) together. Seriously it's getting soooo rediculus. I can't even walk without stepping on something. Tomorrow..... is another day.

And I have to open, soooo... goodnight.

*kisses!*

♥

there's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain

Well since I have nobody to talk to (as it is a half hour into tomorrow) I’m just going to have an all-out bitch session right now.

Which is really not a helluva lot different than any other blog post.

This one is just complete, unabashed bitching and moaning.

I am really upset about this whole not-talking-to-Josh thing. It’s just REALLY getting to me. Horribly. I feel so bad right now. Horrible mood. I feel lonely and ugly and pissed off and confused and fat and depressed and just every other bad thing I could possibly be feeling right now. Honestly, this is what shit must feel like.

I’ve been thinking about it though, and I’ve decided to call him while I’m at the mall on Friday (Yep. Going to the mall with Colby and Matt. I should be really excited right now, but of course… I’m not.) That way I can casually throw that into the conversation, thereby making myself seem less desperate whilst being surrounded by moral supporters (I hope.) I really want to call him now, but… it’s late.

OOOOOHHHHHHHHH WHY does this happen to ME all the time???

I was over to Alex’s today to play badminton (yet another reason why I should be happy… but nothing.) and… I dunno… seeing Alex and Colin together just made me even more depressed. Well it made me start thinking about it anyway. They’re still awkward-ish (def. getting better, but it’s there) but their relationship is … admirable. Even through the awkwardness.

I envy their happiness.

I HATE FEELING UGLY. I feel ugly and fat and… acne infested.

It had better be that time of the month. That’s the ONLY explanation I could have for this mood. And that had better be the explanation.

I’m SO UNSPEAKABLY SICK of this not-knowing-what-the-hell-his-deal-is shit.

I don’t know what I want. At all. I don’t really want a boyfriend, like an official boyfriend. I guess all I really want is some guy to hang around with. Like a friends with benefits, easy on the benefits. Hahahahahah. Yeah I think I’m alone on that one…

I think. I don’t know. And that’s what I hate. That’s what’s driving me crazy right now.

I have to know.

What he wants.

If he even cares.

I think far too much.

Goodnight.

…

I just need to make him see that I do care.

Because I really do.

Now.

Now that it’s too late.

(possibly)

I've been reaching for the stars with you, honey

Hey!

Well… I’m graduated! It’s weird, I don’t feel different at all. In fact, it doesn’t even feel like summer even. Which is pretty annoying.

Went to Project Grad. I really wish I’d written about this closer to when it happened, but… whatever.

So… here’s how it went down… well the interesting bits anyway.

So we’ve been at P.G. for quite a while (it’s about… ooohh… 3:30 ish in the morning) and I’m hanging out at the bouncy jousting thing that was there and Josh saunters over and is like “So you wanna go watch a movie or something?” And I’m like “Sure.” We get about five feet from my crowd and he’s like “And by watch a movie I mean find somewhere to snuggle.” I’m thinking “Duuuh!” (Sheesh I feel like a valley girl or something… meh)

Couple minuites later, we came back to the jousting place (everyone else had gone) and we’re just snuggling or whatever the hell. I’m like half asleep, and since I’m not experienced in the field of making out, I’m just kind of using him as a giant pillow. Josh starts playing with his phone, so I’m like “Bored?” and he goes “Yeah.”

Sweet! Huge… erm… confidence boost or whatever.

Anyway, Leigh is leaping around like a lemur on steroids, so Josh and I ended up going over to the other bouncy thing for further cuddling. But there were a ton of his friends there, which was awkward ish. So that went on for a while. And then, a while into it, we ended up kissing. Twice.

Yep. Lost my kissing virginity. WOoo HoooOO.

It was weird though. I sort of thought it would be more scary or something, but there really wasn’t much to it.

Haven’t seen him in forever. It makes me really sad. I sent him a facebook comment (yeah got Facebook and I have one thing to say. Myspace pwns it.) but haven’t heard back. I wish I knew more… but I don’t.

If he doesn’t call within like… a week and a half… I’ll call.

It makes me sad, but at the same time, this is pretty much what I wanted. But not really, I did kind of want to hang out with him more than I am (which is not at all at the moment.) It was really hard trying to nail him down even when we were seeing each other every day at school. Whatever.

I HATE working so much. It really sucks. The managers are making me want to just throw a huge fit.

Ben and I are friends on Facebook. He is just too cool for words. Absolutely too cool.

RAAAAWWWRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*cry*

<33

no matter what they say, I'm still the king

Well here I am in creative writing, being totally and completely uncreative or in any other way artistic, so I’m just going to do this freewrite now.

Blueberry fields with huge bears noshing on anything they can get their hands on. Fiery volcano killing the town below with its molten death. Mud huts swallowed by the inevitable. Bicycles, plastic water jugs, fields of rice, pigs. Only the villagers are able to escape untouched. But they are touched. They have nothing but the clothes on their backs and the children in their arms. What will become of them now? Out of things, out of things, out of things, we are a society full of things. We want things, we need things. To feel important, to feel valuable. Life is more than things. It’s all about the skills you have. Non-perishable belongings that will never be lost, like riding a bicycle. Wow it just took me like ten minutes to figure out how to spell bicycle. I get the I and the Y mixed up for some reason. Sometimes I wonder if I’m dyslexic. Bicycle takes me ten minutes to figure out but I spell dyslexic on the first try. Something isn’t right with that.

I don’t know what to write about. I am really excited about making my newspaper dress. I hope it doesn’t rip and that it fits and everything. Working on it just makes me really happy. I’m so content when I’m sewing. Even though I’m not really sewing anything it’s just tape and newspaper. It’s going to be absolutely the coolest thing I have ever made, if it doesn’t rip. Now I’m going all catatonic schizophrenic with thinking about it. That’s what happens when I think really hard. I hold completely still and look off into the distance. It must seem really weird to other people, and I didn’t realize how much I do it until I started work on the dress.

I don’t want to write creatively... Most of what I have written has a secret meaning that only I know about. Almost every poem is written about some emotion I've had in the past. A lot of the ones from first quarter aren’t out of my emotional memory bank and they aren’t nearly as good. I hadn’t really experienced any of the things that I wrote about in those early poems, so I couldn’t do the description of those emotions justice. That and I was all about writing depressing things. Emo poetry tends to be my genre of choice unfortunately. It’s like Mr. Klofas said: "Happy people don’t do anything but daydream. Sad people write." Actually he didn’t exactly say that, but it was something to that effect. It’s really true too. I guess. Even the poems I write to be happy poems have bitter undertones. I wrote 1337 after poetry night when my friend and I were talking about how depressing everyone’s poetry was. I wrote it to be a happy poem, and it is (more than the others I’ve written) but you can tell that the speaker is trying to pull themselves out of some kind of depressing situation (“Happy and free from all that shit”) Like there used to be really big problems but now they’re walking away. It just seems bitterly happy. I don’t think I’d want to write anything extremely perky though, because that sort of poetry doesn’t reflect life. There aren’t many situations where life is just purely happy without any worries or concerns. I think that a life like that would be boring after a while, honestly. Nothing makes life really interesting like a good unrequited love or confusion over a life changing decision or maybe it’s just a lack of money. Really, those are the things that make us interesting and that drive us to express our pent-up emotions in writing and other art forms.

Mr. Klofas’ quote really doesn’t work for traditional art, mostly just writing. Happy people are probably as likely to paint something as an unhappy person. They would probably paint something really sappily cute though. Puppies and still lives of flowers leap to mind. But happy people aren’t going to write much.

Now, as I think about who’s in this class, there are some happy people. Funny though, they all seem to write sad poems, things about boys being stupid, family turning their backs on them, the stuff country songs are made of. I guess everyone has some kind of a dark side to them; they don’t necessarily have to be an angry person. I don’t think I’m unhappy, but I guess I could be a little dark at times. I’m having some pretty profound thoughts right now. Exciting! Too bad I’m running out…

I’m really glad about having a job, even though I kind of hate it. Well I guess hate is too strong a word, more like I’d rather not have to stand for like four hours straight and have to deal with angry people who want their Camel wide pack medium-light mentholated 100 ¾’s NOW or they might just leap over the counter and strangle me. There are only 5,784,754,827,483 different kinds of cigarettes and I’ve been working, what? … 3 DAYS.

Well class is over now… time to work on that dress!

when you feel so tired but you can't sleep

The Anatomy of a Moment

I step out into the cold, clear night, holding my thin coat tightly around my torso in an effort to keep out the sneaky breeze that flits through the air. I tilt my face upward. The western sky still glows as the fading light lingers, undergoing the transition between glorious, cloudless day to forbidding night.

But the night is not so forbidding this minute. It is awe-inspiring, causing the earth below to fall into a state of total reverence. The azure skies of several hours earlier have given way to deep indigo velvet studded with diamond-esque stars. Along the horizon, a lighter blue haze causes the imperial heavens to seem electrified, alive. This is a night for greatness, a night where one looks inside oneself in the face of the complete vastness and, while seeing the good and the bad, realizes that though they may not have done everything right, they’ve ultimately done the right thing.

As I stand, pondering life, trying to be introspective, I realize I don’t want to forget any of what I am feeling now. I want this fragment of time to be forever halted in my memory. I try to take in everything humanly possible. The smell of the air (crisp, clean springtime, fresh dirt and a whisper of wood smoke.) The light, chill breeze that gently moves my hair across my face. The beautiful, unnamable color of the sky and the brilliance of the few stars sprinkled against it. The glow of the horizon as the sun wakes the other half of the globe and, as I turn, the ominous black-blue of the night to come.

Then I solidify this place in time. I can feel my weight balanced on the precipice of change and the future is the flood below. I feel the tension of the assembled masses behind screaming for me to do the inevitable. Faces in the crowd: my parents, my friends, my teachers. Even I am among them, chanting with the mob “Jump! Jump! Jump!” Suddenly the ground beneath my feet is gone as I hurl myself into the void, arms open wide and head flung back. I soar downwards with unbridled energy, but as I prepare to make contact, I continue to fall, the water so close and yet never quite in reach.

That is where I am now. On the very doorstep of change. Falling and out of control, my goal always evading me. But this night envelops me and my mass of insecurities, reassuring me that I’ll be fine and above all, that I need to rest. I turn to go back to the warmth of my home, thinking about how nice it was to be alone in the dark.

and I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd

Dead
Floating to the top of the bowl
Pounding heartbeat growing fainter in my ears
Time slows to a stop in the fading light
No control over
Motions
Emotions
Actions
Yours or mine

Shock like morphine
Can’t feel the pain but it’s there
Flying under the radar for now.
I want a reaction.
I want tears down my face,
My soul in flames,
Put my heart in the blender and call it a day.
I don’t want to be this island.

Don’t isolate me here.
You won’t be the first,
You won’t be the last
But don’t be the one now
I can’t handle that.

I want you to talk to me.
Remember what you said.
I want you to smile again.
Forget what I said.

Was I too much trouble?
Well I’m sorry.
I thought you cared more than that.
(If you don’t, tell me.)
I thought you were smarter than that.
(If you aren’t, I want to know.)
I thought you were telling the truth.
(If you weren’t, say something.)

Don’t feel like you’re the only one
Who aches for someone’s arms
(holding you tight)
Who wants to be loved so damn bad
(my eyes get sheltered by the lids)
Who misses being kissed
(we touch lips as I wake up)

Be someone’s hero.
You might as well be mine.

00728
In the middle of this vast sea of humanity
I am more alone than I have ever been before
Pushed along by the crowd’s ebb and flow
Staring blankly at no one in particular
But everyone at once.

Then, there are two in my universe
I turn and there you are
Waiting for me
Me…
The stars have aligned

My mind shuts down and I run
Waves of happiness as you speak into my neck,
The sounds vibrating from your head to mine.
I breathe your sweet scent
I am complete.

Suddenly
You’re saying something
I’m not saying anything
But that’s only because I can’t hear you.

Then you smile as you turn to leave,
You reach out and touch my arm
And you’re gone.

Wait, there was so much I had to say!
So much…
But I would never say what I really wanted to
Even if I could have thought of it.
Everything would be ruined then.
The moment is over now, a flash in the pan.
At least I know this will not be the end.

1337
Breaking out
Getting free
Finding out
What it is to be me

Done playing games
No more drowning in the sea
Nothing’s gonna be the same
What’s it mean to be me?

Can’t hold me back
Don’t even bother trying
Getting this life back on track
So over all my crying

I won’t be making more amends.
Do I know you?
Do you want us to be friends?
Yeah, I do too.

Left my baggage at the train
I’m not going back to get it
Arms outstretched, running in the rain
Happy and free from all that shit.

Kissing it all goodbye
Kissing it all goodbye
Kissing
It
All
Goodbye.

68983
Ready to fight
Weapons loaded
Shaking things up

Tribal fires blaze around us
Sparks rise to join the stars
Faces obscured with paint
Trappings of battle covering our bodies
Intricate motions in time to the steady beat
Mesmerizing, beautiful.

Breath taken away
We’ll take your breath away
We are strong
We are warriors
Won’t be stopped

Many will stand to join.
Few will stand with us.
Fewer still will have what it takes
To survive the night.

Behind our lifted masks
Behind the pins and needles
Behind the tatters and broken glass
Lies our truth.
You see,
We are fragile
Delicate
Pure
This is part of who we are.

Cohorts
Fashionistas
We’ll take your breath away.

73926
Rain soaks the streets
Pollution sky looks down
Sheds tears at what is seen.

Gentle hum of the motor
Steady tap of rain on sheet metal
Looking up at the diffused light
On this high-contrast day

Leap from safety into the damp
Into a lake
Turn towards the cab
A burst of color in this grey, grey world
Soon swallowed in the distance

Running for the safety of indoors
Up the stairs.
Turn left.
There’s the door.
Inside now.
Home.

you don't need all the things they promised to you

Hey.

Busy day.

I had work all morning. There really wasn’t anyone to talk to, just this one old lady who thought it would be cool to tell me what to do. Not. But I got out at noon, then had to book it over to Bac-Bac. Got to sing for that which went well, so I’m told. It was all nice and echo-y in the church, so it was fun. Then Alex and I went over to Josh’s graduation party…

Which depressed me because… ohhh I don’t know. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it just really seems like he doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore. I’m going to just talk to him and see what he wants to do, if anything. It’s annoying because everyone else is so annoyed by him. But he’s really a good kid. I don’t know… my head feels like it’s bleeding.

Then after the party Alex and I went to Dunkin’ Donuts and hung out just talking for like an hour and a half. It was really fun and we’re gonna go again tomorrow.

I just really feel like complaining right now, but my head feels so fuzzy that I can’t even think straight. I neeed sooooo muuuucch sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppp.

I just really miss hanging out with Josh… I don’t really know if he feels the same way. Frusturating. I wrote him on myspace, but he never writes back. Ever.

I have things to do. Goodnight.

*long sigh*

you're shouting so loud you barely joyous, broken thing

Sooo…

What’s new…

I have a job now. It’s kinda nice to know I’ll be getting money in the mail someday. I’m working at the same Rite Aid Tanya works at in Winthrop. Everyone in there is really nice, but some of the managers scare me with their insensitive ways. I always have the feeling that I’m doing something really, really wrong or that they’re going to be like “You’re a total idiot, please leave” or something like that. Iiii don’t know. Hopefully all works out well. I’ve worked three times. The people whose names I remember are:

Danielle. I met her the first day. She seems really nice, but the second time I worked with her she didn’t really talk to me much. I think I may have weirded her out the first day. Whaaatever.

Buddy. Super nice manager dude. Very friendly and helpful. I wish he was the only mananger there, but I can’t have everything it seems.

Deb. One of the other managers. The first day of work, she told me that what I was wearing was totally inappropriate. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Pam. Flat affect manager who smokes like crazy. She always seems to be out smoking when I need her to take money out of my register. Annoying.

And finally, Ben. He’s right up there with buddy. I feel kind of bad because I’m always asking him how to do stuff. Very talkative and friendly. He has a facebook and I’m really tempted to try and add him as a friend, but I don’t know how appropriate that would be at this time. The first day I met him, he said my voice was familiar and I kept feeling like I’d seen him somewhere too but neither of us could figure out how we know each other. I was like “Maybe we knew each other in another life” which launched him into an Ehrin-esque discussion of the existence of souls. Yesssssss!!

There were three other people I met the first day but I don’t remember their names.

So what else is new….

Still haven’t hung out with Josh. Barely have even talked to him since prom. I keep hearing that he’s all “Oh it’s so obvious she likes me” which has caused me to back off and scare him for a bit. Keep him guessing. I am not so easily won.

I sort of thought he would call today. Nope.

Told Ryan I knew about him and Sarah thinking about going out next year. I guess he’s having second thoughts though interestingly enough. I really don’t care what they do to be quite honest. I think it would be nice if Sarah could have a good boyfriend like him. Whatever I guess… I think he’s gotten to see a bit of the side of Sarah that I only see. He seemed to feel obligated to tell me that he used to like me but that it was “only an infatuation… but a nice one.” Thank you for that purposeless data. Just what I needed.

Senior skip day was Friday!! It was a ton of fun. Danielle, Allison, Alyssa and I all went to Popham, and then the shops at Wiscasset. We visited Daddy’s shop and he bought us all ice cream which was really nice of him. I wish he could be cool like that all the time.

Well it’s 1:30 and I’m going to church with Alex in the morning. I will def. be churched out by the time the week is up.

Goodnight love.

blacks and greys, dapples and bays, coach and six little horses

Soooo… prom

WAS BLOODY AMAZING!!

I got prom queen!! Oh yes indeedy!

I had a marvy time dancing and so forth.

Just really, insanely fun.

And I kind of think I like him…

But I don’t know.

There’s a good chance.

I really don’t want a boyfriend now. Or here.

But I would enjoy hanging out and so forth with him.

Hoping he feels the same way.

Iiiiiiiidunno.

I sort of feel like this has all been brought on by the romance of prom, and if that’s the case I don’t want to be unfair to anyone (myself included) by going out with him. I don’t know. And I feel like because I don’t know, it’s not meant to work out. We’ll see.

Colin and Alex are going out. They make me giggle.

But anyways, that’s what’s new! Joy unbounded.

♥

one last tender lie and then I'm outta this place

Hmmm…

Well, let’s see.

Prom is this weekend and I’ve hung out with Josh a total of one times. That day at Dennis’.

I was supposed to get together with him today, but I missed his call at noon. I don’t really know why I’m upset. Probably because I thought I was gonna be all busy but never was in reality. Grrrr.

Did the solo last night. It sucked kinda, but that was to be expected, and I did the best I could with what I have, sooo… screw you.

It is SO NICE OOOUUUUTTT!!! Happiness!!

Finally talked to Todd last night via AIM. It was nice. I’m really frustrated by the conflicting stories I keep getting from people. He was saying how Sarah gets upset that I talk to people down there and says stuff like that I’m trying to steal her friends or whatever, and that Ryan is all “yeah, Amanda’s crazy, she’s never met me and is in love with me.” Lies. All lies. But I have to remember that Todd and Ryan are not exactly the best of friends, and from what I hear Sarah say, Todd can be a bit of a suck up.

SPEAKING of Sarah, I guess her and Ryan are going to be going out when they get back to Southern this fall, or something to that effect. Would have been nice for her to tell me that A LOONG TIME AGO. Actually I wish she would have told me she liked him when she actually started to like him.

You know what?? I really don’t like any of them at the moment.

I cracked up though, because one of my myspace pictures is a picture that Ryan edited. It’s me in black n white with apple green eyes. Pretty sweet. Last night, Todd took the same picture but gave me purple eyes. And it’s not in black n white. HAH. Oh man I lost it.

Why can’t everyone give up and be one-faced? {I include myself in that lot for the record}

Have a nice life

♥

sorrow is pleasure when you want it instead

What an intense week! Yay for intensisnosisosityyyy!!!

Sunday I found out about a job opening at the Rite Aid where Tanya works and it looks like I could be working there this summer! I’m pretty excited!!

I’ve been hanging out with Josh quite a lot (ish) this week. Well more than normal. He’s pretty cool, but his love for me remains unrequited unfortunately. Makes me feel bad, but I keep reminding myself that he went into this knowing that we were going AS…FRIENDS.
He tried to call me on my cell phone (bad plan) Sunday, but by the time I saw that he had called me it was like nine at night, so I didn’t do anything about it. Monday morning I had the (mis)fortune to run into his mom the librarian and she’s all “Josh tried calling you five times last night!!”
“Oh man, really?” (five times my ass.) “He should have tried my house, I have no cell reception where I live.”
“I don’t think he has your house number, you should give it to him!!” (I swear, she is THE LOUDEST librarian I have ever met)
“Ok I’ll tell him.”
Five seconds after that I realized that I had in fact already given Josh both of my phone numbers… wow.

I told him about that conversation the next day and he goes “My mom needs to shut up.” It made me laugh.

So Tuesday I ended up going to one of Josh’s baseball games and dragging Jen along with me, so I wouldn’t have to sit awkwardly alone (sound familiar?) He went up to bat once and got out like right after, but gahdnah won 10 zip, so it was good. I texted Todd to fill in the time, but when I did, he goes “Who’s this?” Needless to say, I was greatly saddened/pissed. After I told him who I was he said to call him, aaaaand… I still haven’t. I need to. I think I will tomorrow night or something. Josh didn’t come out and say hi after, so Jen and I left after waiting for about 20 min. We went to Dunkin’ Donuts and of course who should be working there but Mike Maxwell (faintttt). And so then we went back to Jen’s house and sat in her driveway for like a half hour talking. By that time I had to go get Erica and Celeste from Drama. Got home and Josh had called (my house finally) and we talked for a while. He kept hinting around that he liked me and said something about how he knew I didn’t like him, and that was kinda awkward, but I played it cool. So that was the long and short of THAT day.

Wednesday I found out I got the (INSANELY HIGH) solo part for the band/chorus concert. Andrea spent most of chorus in the bathroom crying, but not until later did I find out that it was because John Sawyer was singing for Baccalaureate and not coz of the solo. Good to know, good to know.

Thursday I went out to eat with Josh at Dennis’ (where else?) It went well. I was worried it would be super awkward, but it wasn’t at all. He told me about how he’s ordering me a corsage from somewhere exotic and I’m kind of excited about that. He really is a nice boy. I really feel bad that I don’t like him like, but I just… don’t. Then we came back and I chatted it up with Alex and her prom date Colin (whom I set her up with!! So proud of me!) They are such a cute couple. And what’s cool is they both like each other too. It’s soo cool. And Colin’s really a nice guy. They were meant for each other.

Friday was completely uneventful.

Aaaand today, I went over to hang out with Sarah. We made pumpkin cookies and watched Children of Men (AMAZINGGGG MOVIEEEE!!!) So it was good. Things are still a little funky, but getting better, most def.

Kind of hoping todd will come back from being away so I can finally say hi. I had this weird epiphany the other day about him. I was on his myspace and he’s got all these scene girls on there like “Oooh you have such a beautiful voice!! I know all the lyrics to your songs!! I want to have your childrennnn!!” Shit like that. And I realized that I probably mean as much to him as they do. Which saddens me greatly. I am just another scene girl to him… even though I’m not scene. Maybe it’s not true, but that’s what it feels like. Maybe it’s pointless to pursue him now. Ehhh… I really don’t care much. He was fun to talk to, but if that’s not going to work out… c’est la vie.

Well I feel like this entry is needlessly long, so I’m going to find some other internet related thing to do now.

Stay cool, rock on.

<33

one last disguise

Had a nice long nap today… probably couldn’t sleep if I tried…

Actually… I could go to sleep without trying. I just don’t want to.

Got off the phone with Ryan lil wile ago. That went well. Really well. Really nice conversation. Good to talk to him. Not much to talk about, but it’s ok. I tend to always feel like if something is wrong, that it’s my fault. Guess I need to… not think that…

It’s amazing when your brain shuts off… like mine is right now.

I guess I’m supposed to hang out with Josh tomorrow. I don’t know how that’s gonna work what with my crapload of crap to do… but I really should spend some time with him, since he’s my prom date and all. I’m getting the vibe that he likes me as more than a friend and I won’t lie… it’s making me uncomfortable.

I haven’t talked to Todd in a while… he said he’d message me someday… that day has yet to come… I wish I was busy like everyone else… hmmm.

Me and ryan’s conversations are really freaking platonic. I don’t know what it is I really want out of them, but… yeah. Like whenever I’m on the phone with Todd, he’ll talk about relationship type stuff. That never comes up with Ryan. Well it did, but it hasn’t lately. Actually we talked about that a lot, but not recently. Like the closest it’s gotten was when he was talking about messing with one of my pictures in photoshop and how he couldn’t take his eyes off it. Actually that’s pretty non-platonic as phone conversations go… huh. Well I guess I’m worried about nothing.

I wish I could make sense right now… Not possible at two in the morning I do believe.

Kinda hungry… nope not going to do anything about that.

I don’t know why I’m feeling depressed right now. I wish I knew what to do about it. Frusturating.

Is this what you call the mean reds?

<33

All around the mullberry bush

Well I got all worked up for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

The whole Strawberry Festival experience was nothing like how I had imagined it. Although I really don’t know what it was that I was expecting. I saw Ryan for maybe… a minute. Maybe. And of course my mouth decided to not do anything the whole time which was AWESOME. He’s like “Half the words I’ve ever written I’ve written to you” and of course I just stood there and smiled. Wow. I just finished writing him a little letter to excuse my mute behavior. But I got to hug him and he smelled nice (thanks to me I do believe… hahah maybe not.) I guess there’s still tomorrow to look forward to, but I highly doubt anything of interest is gonna go down.

It was kind of quiet on the car ride down to Strawberry fest, but other than that, everything with Sarah went well I thought. Of course I don’t think I’m as in tune to that sort of thing anymore, as I didn’t have any idea there was a problem last time. Whatever. I certainly do what I can to be helpful. Does it work most of the time? That’s a big fat NO.

Drank a Rockstar today. I felt soooo nauseous after. I had the fruit kind which tasted pretty good, but landed like lead. I’m still wide awake. But I have really nothing to do, so I guess I’m going to sleep. MEHHHHH.

This post doesn’t even deserve a title.

Angry kisses, Amanda

so give me black lights, so give me hot nights

Well it appears that the vacations to end all vacations (….. hahahah) is soon to come to a close.

Maaaaan!

Tomorrow I go to southern to visit Sarah and everyone. I’m pretty nervous, but I think I’m getting less and less nervous as time goes on. Sarah finally wrote back, and she really sounds happy that I’m coming, so that makes me feel good. Apparently, Ryan is in the hospital (!!!) He thought he had bronchitis, but apparently it’s something else. Sarah didn’t say exactly what it was, but it’s bad enough to put him in the hospital. I’m steadily becoming less and less nervous about this whole visit thing. I still really don’t think I’ll be seeing Todd, but… ehh what am I supposed to do?

It’s been a little like hell being so close to my family these past few days. At the last place we stayed, there were SO MANY surfer dudes, and some were really hott, but they were all really intimidating. I felt about five. Mostly because mum and dad were there I guess, but I don’t know. I do know it would have been a lot less uncomfortable for me if they hadn’t been there. But whatever.

Really bored. Saturday vacations get really slow.

Write more after the Southern experience! (SOOOO NERVOUSSSS!!!)

XXX Amanda

stretches out like branches of a poplar tree, she says "i am free"

Hello from North Carolina!! Wooo hooo! Tan self, here I come!!

Yesterday went really well, no car trouble or anything. It’s still really cold (only… oh wait it’s 57. Nevermind!) It was snowing when we left, which was kinda depressing. We stopped at Jerry’s Artarama, which was an amazing(ly overwhelming) experience. I ended up spending waay too much on a little watercolor palette and a Moleskine watercolor notebook. It was worth it though I think. I promised myself I wouldn’t buy anything that I could get back home… although I could have easily bought those things at home… whatever. From now on… The room we stayed in last night was pretty freakin’ sweet. The light outside the room was the only one in the hallway that was flickering. And we had not much hot water. But the beds were pretty comfy and there was WiFi, which brings me to my next topic…

Sarah wrote me this really long letter about how she felt we were drifting apart and stuff. I was really glad to get it because Ryan kept telling me she was really mad at me and I needed to talk to her. But of course he wouldn’t say why because he “didn’t want to get in the middle of it.” Useless… But anyway, it was really good to finally hear what the issue was (although I think I already knew what the problem was subconsciously. Just really good to get it all out in the open without a lot of assumptions.) She offered to let me stay in her room with her on Sunday night and I said yes, but I’ve been thinking that maybe that’s not what I want to do. She said she’d understand if I said no, so it’s all good hopefully. I was basically just really relieved to get that letter from her. It should make my visit a lot less awkward.

Hmmm… not much new I guess. I’ve been talking to Aaron Drost online… wondering if that’s a good plan or not. Gaaah!! It’s weird because a lot of people that annoy my friends don’t annoy me as much. Which makes it really hard sometimes. I don’t know. I’m just going to make it crystal clear that I’m only interested in being friends.

Friday, Josh “officially” asked me to prom with a flower. It was very sweet if not somewhat unnecessary. He asked for my house/cell numbers, which I gave him. Don’t know if that was a good plan or not, but guys usually don’t remember to call anyway, so it’s all good. I guess I wouldn’t mind hanging out, but the whole point in me going to prom with him was because we were friends. Josh is super flirty with any girl who looks at him sideways, so it’s probably just how it’s going to be. Whaaatever.

I need to work on that newspaper now I guess… don’t want to… at all really… Mum keeps nagging. I wish she’d realize that that’s NOT going to make me go aaany faster.

Really nervous about Sunday… There’s this thing called “Strawberry Festival” at the school that I’m going to be at. It’s showcasing what everyone has been working on all year. Then there’s supposed to be some party type thing going on afterwards, and that’s what I’m the most nervous about. I really need to just relax and be myself, because if I stay nervous like I am right now just thinking about it I’m bound to do something stupid. I keep going over it again and again in my mind. I even dreamed about it last night. Funny that I even dream in awkward. I asked Todd if he was going to be able to come see me and he said he probably would be able to, but I kind of doubt it for some reason. He also told me that he told Sarah he likes her and she is now acting really weird, and he took that as a sign from God that he should stay single for now. Which, at the time, made me kind of depressed, but thinking about it now, it shouldn’t have made me sad because for now could be… a long time. Ehhh, I tend to put all my eggs in one basket. Bad plan.

Well I’m feeling a tad nauseous now, so I’ll write more later. Probably in floridaaaahhhh!! Wooo hooo!!! Oh wow I need to calm down.

<33 Amanda

it's impossible to ignore you

Terrible news…

I feel so dead inside… which is completely ridiculous.

I hate everything.

Ok well… I got a text from Todd this morning and he’s all “I’m gonna ask sarah on a date!”

Why the HELL would he tell me that? After everything he’s said to me. Pig.

Pig!! PIG, PIG, PIG!!!

What am I even supposed to SAY to that?!? Does he really expect me to throw him a bloody party? What?

So my response was “oh……. That’s cool.” Lame I know, but I don’t want… him to know… HOW MUCH OF AN ASS HE IS JUST YET!!!

This really hurts. It shouldn’t. He shouldn’t have said that shit if he didn’t mean it. I shouldn’t have bought it.

On the plus side I can finally start going to bed at a decent hour….

*CRY*CRY*CRY*CRY*CRY*CRY*CRY*CRY*

At least I’m glad he didn’t tell me before pizazz. I would have sung like complete crap.

Pizazz went pretty good.

I want to talk to him so much right now… but not on the phone. WHICH REMINDS ME OF YESTERDAY.

AND I QUOTE: {me first}

“Did I catch you in the middle of something?”

“No I just wanted to call you and say hi coz I missed you.”

“Yeah I know we haven’t talked in forever.”

{And by forever I mean a week. Almost}

“How late will you be up?”

{He wants more of our amazing conversations}

“I’m not going to be home till late, call me tomorrow”

“Mmmmmm I”ll call you later on tonight.”

{And he did. But luckily I missed the call and I didn’t call him back.}

Why would anyone do that to me? I have never done anything to deserve this. I have THE WORST luck when it comes to guys. THE ABSOLUTE WORST.

Ok I’m done.

<33

my words are cold and flat, and you deserve more than that

Gaaah! I am SOOO freaking sick. This sucks. HARD.

I wish I could just throw up and maybe then I’d feel better. I have a fever too which is always a nice bonus. BAAAAHHHHHHHHH. I stayed home today and I originally had all these plans to clean my room and resize my concert tee {oh yeah went to TOC and it was amazing… Next concert though I am def going to be in the crowd and not sitting. It got a touch boring.} But of course I felt like complete shit and didn’t feel like doing anything coz I wanted to puke soooo bad… I still do… If only I would.

Had two REALLY GOOD conversations with Todd over the past two days. I really hope he comes online tonight, but I’m afraid I can’t stay up very late coz of how gnasty I feel.

K, the first one was after I got home from the concert on Sunday. He’s all “Wanna play Maple Story?” {that’s this game he showed me. You control this little person and kill snails and mushrooms. It’s pretty cool.} But I was basically dead, and I kind of suck at it when I’m awake, so I was like “maybe later” And then he goes “Wanna make ou….. Orange juice?” {hahah I love it when he does that.} So we keep talking for a while and we start doing the scenario game {It’s weird how everything is a game with us.} and he’s like

so we hang out for a while and you think your interested in me...... your turn

I wait around to see if you're interested in me

ok and after a while you find out that i am......

then I wait some more to see if you do anything...meanwhile we hang out more

would you ever pass it up if you truly felt it?

I dont know, hopefully not. Would you?

i dont know....

ok so it's still my turn?

{And then THIS comes out of nowhere…}

i put my arms around you holding you tight, your eyes lock into mine... we stare contently into each others souls as we both inch are way forward.... my lips start to quiver as my eyes get sheltered by the lids.... we both touch lips, as i wake up! Hahahaha

{I about fainted after that}

hahahah. that's a good dream

Oh quit it!

Intenseness, no? I don’t know how pathetic it is that I save all our convos… but they make for good blog entries! Haaaa...

So then the next day, we're just talking and he goes

i have a problem

what?

i want to be with a lot of people right now, so i keep throwing myself away from them all... wich is a great thing to do, because im not going to do that to any woman, but its killing me... hahaha

{I'm thinking... OH GREAT.}

so you're just avoiding them all?

Yea

can't decide?

i just want to be loved so damn bad sounds awful i know but i just want someone to love me and hold me and be real about it you know....

{You have NO idea how much I wanted to say "but I love you" right then...}

yeah I know

and the reason i back away from everyone is because i look at them and i say.. theyre not ready for what i need in a relationship. i want it to be serious, but not sexual

{So am I ready or what? Hmmm...}

oh. and nobody meets up to what you want yet?

ok i guess its like this. everyone who is fun is too young, and everyone my age is more concerned with the worldly things like partying and having sex and stuff...... and i dont like older women much

{Too young? What?!}

hahha yeah I see what you're saying. you know you're not that old...

i know

So that was pretty frusturating. After he said the "I want to be loved so damn bad" bit I about wanted to cry. Came pretty close.

I don't know, this is all really confusing and I'm wondering that if we ever did go out if I could handle being in a relationship as long as he usually is {He dates people for like years at a time... The longest I've gone was like a month.} But like he keeps saying "Maybe after we've hung out for a while..."

Well... I don't know about you but I LOVE BEING SICK!!!

And that's all she wrote.

MUAH!!

I could teach you, but I'd have to charge

Hellew.

Things have been going quite well {…ish} on the Todd front I must say.

Today we had a text convo… all in FRENCH!! {pitter patter pitter patter goes my heart}

We’ve kissed over AIM.

I ask him what he’s doin’ he says “Thinkin’ about you……gi…oh……Yugioh!”

He told me he likes Sarah. It bruised my soul.

He had his friend pretend to be him and talk to me… I totally fell for it.

I told him I like him… Didn’t get much of a reaction. Ouch.

I stayed up really late last night to talk to him and he never went online… double ouch.


So those are the headlines…

In other news…

People in chorus piss me off SOOO BADLY. Ugh! I don’t even want to talk about it. They are all incredible brown nosers and it makes me REALLLLLLY ANGRY!!!!!

Oh well, I don’t need to be a huge suck up because my talent speaks for itself. I don’t have to try out for the solo TWICE. I am just that good. And a lady.

I've got to tell mum that I'm going to Taste of Chaos this weekend... kinda forgot. She should be ok with it... dad was... ehhh... scared...

Just went on a truly fabulous walk. It was truly fabulous.

My creative writing piece is going in the newspaper!!! WOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

I am the starving artist defined.

♥

Madame Starving Artist

I don't mind you under my skin

Heyyyyyyyyy….yyy…yyy!!!

What a… good day. Not much exciting… but a good day. 3 hour nap... goooood day.

I got to sing a lot in Chorus. MAN that’s fun. I was def. using my shower voice today. Trying on dresses and singing with my shower voice, two of the best releases known to humanity.

Finally talked to Todd via phone. He even has a cute voice. That boy just oozes cute. Good stuff, good stuff. It went a lot better than I expected it to. We talked Saturday for an hour and then I ended up calling him on… Sunday? But he was in a movie so we ended up just chatting online. And I called him again just now and we talked for like two seconds, and then he’s like “Can I call you back?” and he called again just now and was like “I’m gonna call you in like a half hour ok?” Very polite boy.

And I mean that.

No sarcasm anywhere there.

None.

I have on my serious face right now.

Plus it works out that he’s calling me so it’s not on my tab!! Yaaa!

I still think I like talking online better, just because I have more time to think of things to say so it’s not like I’m ummm-ing a lot. I hate sounding like an idiot. And it happens a lot over the phone. Whatever. I’m in his top eight!! And he’s in my top… sixteen!! But if I cut off the bottom eight he would still be in my top eight hahahaha!! Yaaaayyyy!!

Got my prom dress! She’s pretty! It’s not either of the two that I have pictures of. It’s silver and kind of reminds me of something from the twenties. I wanna make me a sweet hat to wear with it. S’gonna rock!! She looks like this except silver...

Annnd the back... which is my favorite part...

Life is good!

Now if I could just get my room clean once and for all… my life would be complete.

I really hope that when he calls again that things are nice and as distantly removed from awkward land as physically possible. Amen and amen.

Kiss kiss hug hug

always one foot on the ground

Just a really quickie update coz I’m freakin’ sleepy.

And that’s mostly because I’ve been up talking to Todd until like 12 almost every day this week. It’s bloody amazing.

We talk about everything.

He is adorable.

He’s been sending me text messages at school.

I have yet to speak to him on the phone (tomorrow… aaaaakkk!!!)

He tells me I’m beautiful.

He tells me he thinks about me and forgets I live hundreds of miles away.

He prays for me. And I pray for him.

We had a bible study over AIM!!!

We had a mini argument about Sabbath. It made me scared that he would hate me after. And I think he was afraid of the same thing.

Sometimes I feel like I’m talking to matt when I talk to him, but he is so much less sleazy.

He makes me say things that would normally make me feel ill to say to anyone else. But they just fly out my mouth. And I mean them.

I’m afraid that after we talk on the phone, he won’t talk to me anymore. So afraid.

I’ve managed to keep it from Sarah that we talk a lot. She told me she likes him, but I’m not sure.

He told me how he likes Sarah’s friend Sahale. And then told me he worked up the courage to call her. It ruined my day.

He seemed a little too happy when I told him that Sarah sort of likes him. But I’ve decided not to worry about things running their course until I get down there.

I told him I was afraid I wouldn’t get to see him when I go down in April. He said he’d make sure we saw each other. I died of joy inside.

He called me Amanda Bean tonight. No idea where that came from but it’s the cutest freakin’ thing he’s said yet.

I have to go to bed now. Again, death by sheer joy.

Peace, love and violent affection.

and the stains coming from my blood tell me "go back home"

You cannot even BEGIN to know what kind of day I’ve had.

It’s been an absolutely amazing day disguised as a not so amazing day.

Ok…

Firs thing, I get into art class and I find out some interesting things about my boat painting. {I did this watercolor of some boats earlier this year and they got put in the showcase outside the office.} I didn’t really know what had become of it after that, but Mrs. Herr-Reins told me that it had been put in the superintendent’s office up the street from the school. Not only was it living there, someone had seen it and WANTS TO BUY IT!! They wanna pay real money to have it in their house! I was so thrilled. So then I asked Mrs. Herr-Reins what I should ask for it. She goes “I wouldn’t ask for anything less than fifty dollars.” Yeah I was even more excited after that. I decided that I want seventy five because she said nothing under fifty or over 100. I thought seventy five seemed about right. Hahaha I’m so excited!!!

Then John touched my hair which just sort of perked me up before I had to go take an English test. It was actually more of a petting thing, but it was nice. I’m doing a duet with him for Pizazz hopefully, if I get the music in time and if I can ever get in touch with him. Lalalala.

And THEN this other amazing thing happened to me earlier this week. I have to do sort of a flashback for the rest of this to make sense. Actually I just really wanna do a flashback.

SO…

I’m on Myspace and I get this message from someone called “Half price hero” (which I immediately assume is a band. I am not wrong.) It says “Hey I saw you on my friend’s top eight and I just thought I’d say hi.” So I go to his myspace, coz I figure this is just some weirdo, but I go to his myspace and Sarah is his number one friend! I was in total shock. And he had other people on his top that I recognized as friends of Sarah’s. So I figured he was safe, so I responded to his message. We started talking and today, we talked on AIM for a really, really long time. He sent me like 3 pictures of himself that he just randomly took {for me} with his camera phone coz all his myspace pics were old. He is lovely to behold. His name is Todd:

He left me some amazing picture comments. He seems really spiritual too which is always a major plus. He’s like “I pray for you now.” It made me feel really special. It always does when people tell me they’re praying for me but especially if it’s a guy.

Been talking to Colby too. I’m trying really hard to get him to come to bowling with us this weekend. Sarah’s gonna be there, so if they both could be there, it would be really cool and fun and everything! He won’t give me a straight answer he’s just like I don’t know. It’s annoying.

I am just an incredibly happy camper tonight. I’ve had that smiling picture of him in my head all evening which has put a smile on my face.

Oh and I have two goldfish now. Lola and Edward. They are both beautiful, and absolutely adorable.

Really, really happy. And there’s gonna be a snow day tomorrow! Which is just icing on the cake. Totally and completely.

I love... everything. So much.

happyme

xxxxxxxxxxxxx {all over your face}

isn't this exactly where you'd like me

Well the second half of my vacation wasn’t much more productive then the first half. But it’s all good.

Let’s see…

I spent a lot of time trying to work on papers and stuff. I finally finished writing my English paper just a few min. ago. I got all the research done for my other two papers. One is due wednesday and the other I really don’t know when its due, but neither does anyone else.

Thursday, Celeste and I went shopping w/ Nana. Didn’t buy anything, but it was nice to get out. Thursday night we all went to the movies with Colby and saw “Epic Movie.” Probably the stupidest movie I have ever seen. But it was one of those stupid funny movies, so everyone was laughing like crazy, but when we got out we were all like “Wow, that was stupid.” We went to B&N after, and that was a little weird, cuz I bought myself food and nobody else ate anything… I felt like a huge jerk/pig. It was funny though coz Colby was like “You should just throw that last piece of cheesecake.” And I did! After we left B&N I threw the cheesecake up against the side of the movie theater, and Jen said it’s still there.

hahahah.

Oh man… I really really don’t want to go back to school. Ever.

I guess Sarah is coming home Thursday. That’s pretty cool. I just hope things aren’t awkward vis a vis Sarah and the Manning girls. Ehh… none of my business. We’re supposed to have a bowling thing next Saturday night and we’re trying to get Colby to come. I think he will. He was saying something about how he’s got this other youth group he’s part of. Then I freaked out and was like “Oh I see how it is. I thought we meant something special. It’s just one youth group after another with you.” And he’s all “No! You guys mean a lot to me!” It was pretty funny.

Well it seems that I am getting a pet fish tomorrow, so I need to clean out the tank now.

Love love love

♥ ♥ ♥

xXx

laugh it all off in your face

Ello all.

Well, it’s been quite a nice vacation so far. Not a very productive one yet, but…..SOOOO relaxing.

Hung out with Mike the other day. That was fun and random. We went all around the Augusta. We ran into Rob and Anya which was cool I guess. A little awkward. But that’s ok. The whole thing was fun. Really low stress. I hope it happens again.

And then today I was hoping to get some actual work done on the bazillion papers I have to write, but I had to take Celeste into town. I had zero money and had to go through Old Navy when they have all their super cute spring clothes. I suffered physical pain. It was bad. It’s crazy what that store does to me sometimes. But only in the spring. Any other time it’s just like “…..ehh.” But in the spring… I don’t know. It’s amazing. Celeste picked up some sweater thing and I actually said “It’s too warm for that.” I didn’t just think it, I said it. It’s like 20 degrees out. Maybe.

hahahah.

And tonight I went to Red Robin with some friends and had an absolutely lovely time.

Not to be vain or anything, but I love that last sentence.

Ryan wrote last night. He’s like “You’ve been quiet… too quiet. Is something wrong?” It made me really sad for some reason. A weird happy sad. Happy because he cares that I haven’t been talking to him regularly, and sad that… I couldn’t tell him that I feel like we’ve run out of things to talk about. Maybe we haven’t, maybe I’m just imagining. I told him about how I have to pay ($50) the phone bill we rang up. I’m not telling him how much it was, and maybe he’s had the same thing too. Dunno. But he’s all “Sarah’s mad at me” and he said he kind of knew what it was about, but then there was a typo in his message, so I got all confused. Whatever though. I think she’s mad about the cologne. She chewed me out about it big time, which I thought was hilarious. He liked it, he thanked me a bunch for it, and I don’t care if it’s creepy. I don’t think he thought it was. Whatever, I couldn’t care less.

I've been propositioning people to do Pizazz with me all evening. I haven't heard back from the people, but soon... I will. I just realized I didn't tell John that I can't do it on Friday...oops. Oh well. I've been practicing "It don't mean a thing (if it ain't got that swing)" a ton. So much that I've been getting the little scat segments really really firmly stuck in my head. Which, of course, was the idea.

I think I’m going to try and be useful for… ooh a half hour.

{haha. not}

Goodbye loves.

♥

If I kiss you where it's sore will you feel anything at all?

Ok, confession time.

If I don’t get this off my chest, I think that bad things will happen.

…

{why does this always happen to me?}

Ok, over the course of the past few weeks, I’ve been hanging out with this kid in the play, aaannnndddd…. I may have a lil bit of a crush on him.

Did I mention he’s in 8th grade?

Yeah, pretty sure that’s illegal.

It makes me sad.

And the other thing that makes me even sadder is that the play is over and I won’t get to see him much. Which is probably a good thing. A really good thing.

Wow, this is pathetic. Hard. Core. Pathetic.

We had the anti cast party last night. It was crazy fun. We went to Denny’s and then ran around wal-mart for a while, then drove Chris home and everyone else home and I got home around 3 in the morning. It made me sad that we had to end it so early, but, again, it was probably a good thing.

Tears. On the inside.

I really need to do something to help get my mind of my pathetic behaivior.

Sent Ryan some cologne in the mail. I hope it makes it to him. And I hope it makes it to him in one piece. His birthday is today, and the thing should get to him on… Tuesday? Something like that. I hope he likes it.

Gonna go be obsessive about Myspace/Clean/Write papers.

Tout mon amour.

La gamine

they'll name the city after us

Hi!

Nice day today. Went sno-ball dress shopping with Haruka today. It was cool because she hasn’t been to a lot of the stores around here. I took her to deb to find the dress cuz thy have a nice range of styles for cheap. She told me that deb means fat in Japanese which I found hilarious. And terribly, terribly ironic. If you ever feel bad about yourself or you just aren’t having a good day, go to a dress shop and try on dresses. It’s like the cure for the common anything. I tried on a few too, even though I wasn’t buying. You would never guess, but it is an incredible amount of fun. I found this one uber pretty one that wasn’t in my size, but it would have been gorgeous if it was. It looked like a wedding dress (mostly cuz it was white) but I kind of felt like a greek goddess wearing it:

Lovely, no?

And then, there was this one, which at first glance appears to be a pink nightmare, but in reality is… crazy pretty.



It was a lot of fun. I feel sorry for boys. They don’t have this to make them feel better about themselves. Poor, poor boys.

Speaking of which…

Matt T… has dropped out. HA HA HAAAA! He left me this comment the other day: “No more chorus…” Guess not. He is, like I have said countless times before, a flaming idiot.

Regina Spektor is an A MAZING singer. I almost ran out and bought her CD after I got home from shopping, she is that good. If ANYONE besides myself reads this, if there’s one thing you take away from my blog, it should be that Regina Spektor is worth listening to a very minimum of 5 times in your life.

It would be really nice if Ryan would call me right…about……….NOW!..............................

……….

….

Why is it guys never call? Is it really because they’re not that into you? *Cry*

That’s all she wrote darlinks.

<33

perfunctory idols rewriting their bibles with magic markers running out of their ink

Rockin' out to some sweet Beck tunes... New Round right now... that is such a good song.

So yeah, I did the recording thing... it sucked. I sucked. I don't know what's the matter with me anymore.

Beck has a thing for the word Perfunctory. It's a good word. Wish I knew what it meant...

I've been having Ryan withdrawal really badly. It's funny because it's only been a few days since I talked to him... wow.

I'm sooo bored.

I should go clean.

Yeah, maybe I'll do that...

I eat way too much starch for my own good.

Haha.

Oh, and I had to tell Sarah I didn't want to room with her. It wasn't fun for me. It made me really sad actually. Who knows I may end up rooming with her second semester. We'll see. I want to at least start out with a new roommate, just to see what it's like.

I wish I had both the shirts I was going to make the bag out of. Then I would have that to do. I really ought to be making Jen n Erica's arm warmers... so apathetic. It's sad.

Well I'm going to maybe go clean. Nighty.

Ta.

<333

Thatsallshewrote.

we lift our hands and pray over your body but nothing ever happens

I really should get going on my art paper. I wish I worked better under pressure… grrrrr…

Snowing like a banshee outside. Which will prevent me from going out and being awkward with Pete. That and the fact that my paper will probably be nowhere near being done by that time… Oh wow, I wish I could just tell him he makes my life awkward… but I can’t. I am physically unable to do so.

Talked to Ryan last night. The line between Pete land and Ryan land has been breeched. But it worked out well and I don’t feel guilty anymore. Much. I tried to get Ryan’s help with getting myself rid of Pete (I make him sound so terrible. He’s really not. Pete is a truly nice guy but… he’s so… well he’s trying to be more talkative around me, I can tell, but.. I still don’t like him.) and Ryan basically thought I was trying to get out of going to prom, which was the whole reason for even thinking about liking Pete in the first place. Really.

On a lighter note x169374267392….

I’m making another CD on Friday!! I’m super excited about it! There are gonna be some sweet songs on it. Some I’ve never even considered putting on a CD (like “In the Good Old Way.” So old school it’s practically Ye Olde Schoole.) But it’s gonna be A-Bloody-Mazing. 12ish songs instead of just 5. SO sweet. I wanna do a jazz-ish version of Just a Closer Walk with Thee. It’s gonna be such an eclectic CD. Oh man, you do not even know how pumped I am.

Also…

I GOT ACCEPTED TO SOUTHERN!!!!!!! YAAAAYYAYAYAYAYAYYYYAAAAAYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m goin’ places shirt, HERE I COME!! With scissors in hand. I think I want to somehow combine the tee shirt I got from Southern (that actually almost fits) with the “I’m going places” shirt that I’ll be getting from Guidance at the earliest possible opportunity. I was thinking about making another shirt, but then I thought it might be even more cool to make a purse of some kind. That way I can have it every day without having to wear one shirt every day. That gets ridiculous. Fast.

Well… I’ve put it off long enough. Time to get back to biznatch.

Big hugs.

Andthatsallshewrote.

for every time I doubted you

I AM SOOO EXCITED RIGHT NOOOOWWWW!!!

I finally got my laptop to go on the internet!!

Yeah, I'm aware this is no great accomplishment, but I am pretty damn happy about it. I've been loading songs and stuff onto it aaallll day. My geek chic is certainly coming out hard core.

But I am major league pissed that Ryan hasn't written me back yet. If he doesn't ever plan on doing it, then I wish he would just say that. I guess I'm just really worried about loosing him (well, it's not really like I ever HAD him per se, but... oh you wouldn't understand). I've just spent too much time thinking about how great it would be if we... *cry*

Watched The Life Aquatic with Pete last night. It was pretty cool, but a little awkward, cuz I didn't really know if I was just supposed to watch the movie, or... do something else. But for crying out loud I really don't even know pete well enough to be like making out with him on the SECOND date. ERHEJKVFNIOJNGDONKLDJG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOOO AWKWARD!!!!!!!!!

Well now that I'm sufficiently depressed, time to go cheer myself up with more loading on of music. TTFN!

Hugs & Sex (oooohh did I just say that??)

♥ ♥ ♥

we've got nothing to loose except me, this and you

So I reaaaally should be cleaning my room right now… naaaaahh.

I woke up this morning to Mum barging in my room with my cell phone…

“I think you got a text message.”
“….what? Why are you in here?”
“Your phone is making noises.”
“Oh… give it to me…”

I sort of thought that it was one of those junk text messages that I get from time to time from heaven knows where. But turns out Ryan decided to send me a picture of himself. I was actually pretty happy (even though it wasn’t the greatest picture. He looked like he’d just come from a prison camp.) I couldn’t figure out if it was a video or not, but I had it as my background all day. Then I took it off, in case someone found it. Like Sarah. He says he’s gonna call me later.

But GUESS WHAT ELSE???

I got asked out by Pete! We went to A-1 Diner last night for coffee. We were only there an hour, but it was nice. I guess we’re hanging out on Saturday. Probably this time we should go out and do something instead of just sitting in a restaurant. He’s super quiet and I am not the most talkative person ever, so there were a few rough spots, but I managed to get out of them pretty easily. I’m hoping that Saturday goes better.

But the weird thing is that I feel super guilty going with Pete. I really shouldn’t. It’s not like I really have any actual ties to Ryan. Technically, we’re barely friends and… well whatever. But when I got back from the date last night I ended up talking to ryan for an hour. Then when I got off the phone I just thought about how much easier it is to talk to Ryan than pete. But I’ve decided that… well… I’m not going to let it bother me.

And now… cleaning/naptime.

♥ Amanda

with words I thought I'd never speak

Hahahaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh………….oooooohhhhhhhdear.

Well… Ok.

So we’re all over to my house on Saturday and Ryan calls me. (can you spell aakward?)

We’re just randomly talking. (par usual) {about his little excursion to taco bell and my new laptop if you must know} [oh yeah, I got a new laptop. I would be pretty excited if I could get it to go on the internet…] And I guess it was a brilliant idea of Josh’s to listen in on our convo. And nobody tried to stop him. And I knew it the whole time I’m trying to carry on a sane conversation with Ryan. It was really bad. Beyond belief.

So he finally hangs up and I let people know I was mad that they were doing it, and I get hollered at. As IF I’d ever listen in to Sarah and Ryan talking. Of course Sarah brought up how we listened in to Erica. But that was different. That whole conversation was staged.

Then Sarah thinks I’m mad at Josh. Ummm… not really.

But… there’s nothing I can think of to do.

Then after that happened, she left a comment on his myspace telling him that I bitched Josh out. CUUUUUUTTEEE.

I am not going to miss her when she leaves.

Much.

If she wouldn’t bring him up so much, there wouldn’t be such a problem. When he’s not the issue, then everything’s fine. It’s always this way when there’s a guy involved.

If she had told me she liked him in the first place, I wouldn’t have added him as a friend in the first place.

Oh wow, this is SO NOT even worth discussing at this point.

I have homework. And school tomorrow. And hopefully a letter from Ryan waiting…

And that’s all she wrote.

XXXxxxxx*tear*xxxxxxXXX