there's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain

Well since I have nobody to talk to (as it is a half hour into tomorrow) I’m just going to have an all-out bitch session right now.

Which is really not a helluva lot different than any other blog post.

This one is just complete, unabashed bitching and moaning.

I am really upset about this whole not-talking-to-Josh thing. It’s just REALLY getting to me. Horribly. I feel so bad right now. Horrible mood. I feel lonely and ugly and pissed off and confused and fat and depressed and just every other bad thing I could possibly be feeling right now. Honestly, this is what shit must feel like.

I’ve been thinking about it though, and I’ve decided to call him while I’m at the mall on Friday (Yep. Going to the mall with Colby and Matt. I should be really excited right now, but of course… I’m not.) That way I can casually throw that into the conversation, thereby making myself seem less desperate whilst being surrounded by moral supporters (I hope.) I really want to call him now, but… it’s late.

OOOOOHHHHHHHHH WHY does this happen to ME all the time???

I was over to Alex’s today to play badminton (yet another reason why I should be happy… but nothing.) and… I dunno… seeing Alex and Colin together just made me even more depressed. Well it made me start thinking about it anyway. They’re still awkward-ish (def. getting better, but it’s there) but their relationship is … admirable. Even through the awkwardness.

I envy their happiness.

I HATE FEELING UGLY. I feel ugly and fat and… acne infested.

It had better be that time of the month. That’s the ONLY explanation I could have for this mood. And that had better be the explanation.

I’m SO UNSPEAKABLY SICK of this not-knowing-what-the-hell-his-deal-is shit.

I don’t know what I want. At all. I don’t really want a boyfriend, like an official boyfriend. I guess all I really want is some guy to hang around with. Like a friends with benefits, easy on the benefits. Hahahahahah. Yeah I think I’m alone on that one…

I think. I don’t know. And that’s what I hate. That’s what’s driving me crazy right now.

I have to know.

What he wants.

If he even cares.

I think far too much.

Goodnight.

…

I just need to make him see that I do care.

Because I really do.

Now.

Now that it’s too late.

(possibly)