my words are cold and flat, and you deserve more than that

Gaaah! I am SOOO freaking sick. This sucks. HARD.

I wish I could just throw up and maybe then I’d feel better. I have a fever too which is always a nice bonus. BAAAAHHHHHHHHH. I stayed home today and I originally had all these plans to clean my room and resize my concert tee {oh yeah went to TOC and it was amazing… Next concert though I am def going to be in the crowd and not sitting. It got a touch boring.} But of course I felt like complete shit and didn’t feel like doing anything coz I wanted to puke soooo bad… I still do… If only I would.

Had two REALLY GOOD conversations with Todd over the past two days. I really hope he comes online tonight, but I’m afraid I can’t stay up very late coz of how gnasty I feel.

K, the first one was after I got home from the concert on Sunday. He’s all “Wanna play Maple Story?” {that’s this game he showed me. You control this little person and kill snails and mushrooms. It’s pretty cool.} But I was basically dead, and I kind of suck at it when I’m awake, so I was like “maybe later” And then he goes “Wanna make ou….. Orange juice?” {hahah I love it when he does that.} So we keep talking for a while and we start doing the scenario game {It’s weird how everything is a game with us.} and he’s like

so we hang out for a while and you think your interested in me...... your turn

I wait around to see if you're interested in me

ok and after a while you find out that i am......

then I wait some more to see if you do anything...meanwhile we hang out more

would you ever pass it up if you truly felt it?

I dont know, hopefully not. Would you?

i dont know....

ok so it's still my turn?

{And then THIS comes out of nowhere…}

i put my arms around you holding you tight, your eyes lock into mine... we stare contently into each others souls as we both inch are way forward.... my lips start to quiver as my eyes get sheltered by the lids.... we both touch lips, as i wake up! Hahahaha

{I about fainted after that}

hahahah. that's a good dream

Oh quit it!

Intenseness, no? I don’t know how pathetic it is that I save all our convos… but they make for good blog entries! Haaaa...

So then the next day, we're just talking and he goes

i have a problem

what?

i want to be with a lot of people right now, so i keep throwing myself away from them all... wich is a great thing to do, because im not going to do that to any woman, but its killing me... hahaha

{I'm thinking... OH GREAT.}

so you're just avoiding them all?

Yea

can't decide?

i just want to be loved so damn bad sounds awful i know but i just want someone to love me and hold me and be real about it you know....

{You have NO idea how much I wanted to say "but I love you" right then...}

yeah I know

and the reason i back away from everyone is because i look at them and i say.. theyre not ready for what i need in a relationship. i want it to be serious, but not sexual

{So am I ready or what? Hmmm...}

oh. and nobody meets up to what you want yet?

ok i guess its like this. everyone who is fun is too young, and everyone my age is more concerned with the worldly things like partying and having sex and stuff...... and i dont like older women much

{Too young? What?!}

hahha yeah I see what you're saying. you know you're not that old...

i know

So that was pretty frusturating. After he said the "I want to be loved so damn bad" bit I about wanted to cry. Came pretty close.

I don't know, this is all really confusing and I'm wondering that if we ever did go out if I could handle being in a relationship as long as he usually is {He dates people for like years at a time... The longest I've gone was like a month.} But like he keeps saying "Maybe after we've hung out for a while..."

Well... I don't know about you but I LOVE BEING SICK!!!

And that's all she wrote.

MUAH!!

I could teach you, but I'd have to charge

Hellew.

Things have been going quite well {…ish} on the Todd front I must say.

Today we had a text convo… all in FRENCH!! {pitter patter pitter patter goes my heart}

We’ve kissed over AIM.

I ask him what he’s doin’ he says “Thinkin’ about you……gi…oh……Yugioh!”

He told me he likes Sarah. It bruised my soul.

He had his friend pretend to be him and talk to me… I totally fell for it.

I told him I like him… Didn’t get much of a reaction. Ouch.

I stayed up really late last night to talk to him and he never went online… double ouch.


So those are the headlines…

In other news…

People in chorus piss me off SOOO BADLY. Ugh! I don’t even want to talk about it. They are all incredible brown nosers and it makes me REALLLLLLY ANGRY!!!!!

Oh well, I don’t need to be a huge suck up because my talent speaks for itself. I don’t have to try out for the solo TWICE. I am just that good. And a lady.

I've got to tell mum that I'm going to Taste of Chaos this weekend... kinda forgot. She should be ok with it... dad was... ehhh... scared...

Just went on a truly fabulous walk. It was truly fabulous.

My creative writing piece is going in the newspaper!!! WOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

I am the starving artist defined.

♥

Madame Starving Artist

I don't mind you under my skin

Heyyyyyyyyy….yyy…yyy!!!

What a… good day. Not much exciting… but a good day. 3 hour nap... goooood day.

I got to sing a lot in Chorus. MAN that’s fun. I was def. using my shower voice today. Trying on dresses and singing with my shower voice, two of the best releases known to humanity.

Finally talked to Todd via phone. He even has a cute voice. That boy just oozes cute. Good stuff, good stuff. It went a lot better than I expected it to. We talked Saturday for an hour and then I ended up calling him on… Sunday? But he was in a movie so we ended up just chatting online. And I called him again just now and we talked for like two seconds, and then he’s like “Can I call you back?” and he called again just now and was like “I’m gonna call you in like a half hour ok?” Very polite boy.

And I mean that.

No sarcasm anywhere there.

None.

I have on my serious face right now.

Plus it works out that he’s calling me so it’s not on my tab!! Yaaa!

I still think I like talking online better, just because I have more time to think of things to say so it’s not like I’m ummm-ing a lot. I hate sounding like an idiot. And it happens a lot over the phone. Whatever. I’m in his top eight!! And he’s in my top… sixteen!! But if I cut off the bottom eight he would still be in my top eight hahahaha!! Yaaaayyyy!!

Got my prom dress! She’s pretty! It’s not either of the two that I have pictures of. It’s silver and kind of reminds me of something from the twenties. I wanna make me a sweet hat to wear with it. S’gonna rock!! She looks like this except silver...

Annnd the back... which is my favorite part...

Life is good!

Now if I could just get my room clean once and for all… my life would be complete.

I really hope that when he calls again that things are nice and as distantly removed from awkward land as physically possible. Amen and amen.

Kiss kiss hug hug

always one foot on the ground

Just a really quickie update coz I’m freakin’ sleepy.

And that’s mostly because I’ve been up talking to Todd until like 12 almost every day this week. It’s bloody amazing.

We talk about everything.

He is adorable.

He’s been sending me text messages at school.

I have yet to speak to him on the phone (tomorrow… aaaaakkk!!!)

He tells me I’m beautiful.

He tells me he thinks about me and forgets I live hundreds of miles away.

He prays for me. And I pray for him.

We had a bible study over AIM!!!

We had a mini argument about Sabbath. It made me scared that he would hate me after. And I think he was afraid of the same thing.

Sometimes I feel like I’m talking to matt when I talk to him, but he is so much less sleazy.

He makes me say things that would normally make me feel ill to say to anyone else. But they just fly out my mouth. And I mean them.

I’m afraid that after we talk on the phone, he won’t talk to me anymore. So afraid.

I’ve managed to keep it from Sarah that we talk a lot. She told me she likes him, but I’m not sure.

He told me how he likes Sarah’s friend Sahale. And then told me he worked up the courage to call her. It ruined my day.

He seemed a little too happy when I told him that Sarah sort of likes him. But I’ve decided not to worry about things running their course until I get down there.

I told him I was afraid I wouldn’t get to see him when I go down in April. He said he’d make sure we saw each other. I died of joy inside.

He called me Amanda Bean tonight. No idea where that came from but it’s the cutest freakin’ thing he’s said yet.

I have to go to bed now. Again, death by sheer joy.

Peace, love and violent affection.

and the stains coming from my blood tell me "go back home"

You cannot even BEGIN to know what kind of day I’ve had.

It’s been an absolutely amazing day disguised as a not so amazing day.

Ok…

Firs thing, I get into art class and I find out some interesting things about my boat painting. {I did this watercolor of some boats earlier this year and they got put in the showcase outside the office.} I didn’t really know what had become of it after that, but Mrs. Herr-Reins told me that it had been put in the superintendent’s office up the street from the school. Not only was it living there, someone had seen it and WANTS TO BUY IT!! They wanna pay real money to have it in their house! I was so thrilled. So then I asked Mrs. Herr-Reins what I should ask for it. She goes “I wouldn’t ask for anything less than fifty dollars.” Yeah I was even more excited after that. I decided that I want seventy five because she said nothing under fifty or over 100. I thought seventy five seemed about right. Hahaha I’m so excited!!!

Then John touched my hair which just sort of perked me up before I had to go take an English test. It was actually more of a petting thing, but it was nice. I’m doing a duet with him for Pizazz hopefully, if I get the music in time and if I can ever get in touch with him. Lalalala.

And THEN this other amazing thing happened to me earlier this week. I have to do sort of a flashback for the rest of this to make sense. Actually I just really wanna do a flashback.

SO…

I’m on Myspace and I get this message from someone called “Half price hero” (which I immediately assume is a band. I am not wrong.) It says “Hey I saw you on my friend’s top eight and I just thought I’d say hi.” So I go to his myspace, coz I figure this is just some weirdo, but I go to his myspace and Sarah is his number one friend! I was in total shock. And he had other people on his top that I recognized as friends of Sarah’s. So I figured he was safe, so I responded to his message. We started talking and today, we talked on AIM for a really, really long time. He sent me like 3 pictures of himself that he just randomly took {for me} with his camera phone coz all his myspace pics were old. He is lovely to behold. His name is Todd:

He left me some amazing picture comments. He seems really spiritual too which is always a major plus. He’s like “I pray for you now.” It made me feel really special. It always does when people tell me they’re praying for me but especially if it’s a guy.

Been talking to Colby too. I’m trying really hard to get him to come to bowling with us this weekend. Sarah’s gonna be there, so if they both could be there, it would be really cool and fun and everything! He won’t give me a straight answer he’s just like I don’t know. It’s annoying.

I am just an incredibly happy camper tonight. I’ve had that smiling picture of him in my head all evening which has put a smile on my face.

Oh and I have two goldfish now. Lola and Edward. They are both beautiful, and absolutely adorable.

Really, really happy. And there’s gonna be a snow day tomorrow! Which is just icing on the cake. Totally and completely.

I love... everything. So much.

happyme

xxxxxxxxxxxxx {all over your face}