The drinks start pourin' and my speech starts slurrin, everybody start lookin' real good

I have become addicted to staying up wayyyyy past my bedtime to do stupid stuff like update blogs…

But…

Things have been going crazy amazing/gung ho on the ryan front. We are now having >1 hr long phone conversations…!!!! It’s crazy! And our phone convos are just like the online convos (with all the randomness), except… different. And by different I mean I don’t have as much time to think about what I’m saying so I feel like I come across as kind of stupid… but that could be just me.

And I have a secret… Which is probably not much of a secret come to think of it…

{the boy has a crazy hott voice.}

That’s right. H-o-DOUBLE-t. We are talkin’ male super model caliber here. Which, while completely dazzling to listen to, makes me feel just a tad bit intimidated. But it’s gotten less and less so as time progresses (and I get more used to hearing it.)

But it’s like midnight and I am ready to pass out… But not before saying that I’ve probably spent more than two hours talking to Ryan just tonight, and he’s calling me tomorrow…!!! Which means I should think of things to say now… so I’m not searching while on the phone. But anyway… I don’t think I’ll remember any of the last five minutes in the morning.

GOOOODDDDNNNIIIIGGGHHHTTTTT!!!!!!

♥ ze kitten de smitten

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I want you waiting in the wings

Hey.

This is going to be short cuz I’m sleepy. And sick. And sleepy.

Went and visited Sarah today. That was pretty fun. Erica was supposed to come too, but she went home sick halfway through the day so it was just Celeste, Jen and I. We made muffins and looked at pictures and… it was pretty fun. But weird because I talk to Sarah a lot on the phone so her being back wasn’t weird at all. It was almost like she had never left. But we found out that Jen is going to be around for New Years which is not something we look forward to. Her and Josh will no doubt be joined at the hip the whole time (and doubtless a few other places too) so we decided that we may need to sit them both down and have a talk with them. We also wonder when Matt is coming home.

I really need to boogey down and write that church newsletter. No more stalling. Time to get to work!

We’re going to the mall on Sunday. I am HAPPYYYYYYYPYPYPYPY!!! I haven’t been to the mall in…. forever.

Still writing Ryan, although I feel like I’m running out of topics… Gotta work on that too…

Well, I basically have no voice now, and can’t breath out my right nair, so I’d say it’s time for beddy bye.

Tout mon amour.

That’s all she wrote.

is my time wasting well?

Bonsoir

Well, as predicted, I didn’t hang out with Matt on Sunday. And the more I think about it, the more I hate that kid. Really wouldn’t mind never ever ever ever ever ever ever having to see him again. Would not ruin my day, my week, my month or even my year. I saw him yesterday and he’s like “We didn’t hang out!” and all this crap like why he didn’t call me and I’m like “I am the only LeFurgy in the phone book. ” And he goes… “you’re in the phone book?” COULD HE BE ANY MORE STUPID??? THE ANSWER IS NO.

Been talking to Ryan lots. And lots. It’s fun, coz… I don’t know, I just really like talking to him. We write twice and three times a day, sheets and sheets (tee hee!) We were doing the comment thing, but they just kept getting longer and longer so we switched to messaging, which is going swimmingly I must say. It’s given me yet another thing to look forward to when going to college. Yaaaaaayyy! I am sort of getting the vibe that he thinks he’s like more mature and older than me, when we’re the same age. Maybe I’m imagining…

But seriously, it’s been a huge mood boost.

I’m friends with Ross on myspace now. I left him a comment a while ago, but he didn’t say anything back. I don’t think he’s much of a commenteur, but that’s cool, I’m used to it.

*Sniff*

Anyhoo, he’s def. not sexually neutral come to find out.

Yaaaaa…aaaaaa…aayyy!

It snowed today. A ton. Bah humbug! Well, I wouldn’t mind if I could run right out and snowmobile, but there’s not really enough snow yet to do anything in and it’s supposed to melt within the next few days. Meh. As long as there’s just some for Christmas, I’d be okay with not having any. Oh… fdshaiofdsamfdklsa….whatever.

I have a sneaking suspicion that Sarah is worried about how much I am talking to Ryan. Hehehehhehehe!!! She left this comment on his myspace and was like “I dreamed you and Amanda were going out! It was a world gone mad!” Hah! But because he didn’t reply and left me a comment that said “Did you see that comment Sarah left me? Good stuff!” on my myspace, she thinks he’s mad. And come to find out, he was talking about it with some other girl down there, which I find pretty funny. Plus, I’m in his top 8 which made me super excited/speechless for a good 5 minutes.

Oh happy happy days.

C’est tout elle a ecrit

{more lovin’ than you’ll ever use}

the boy never gets older

Hello

This post is mostly the result of boredom. But that’s cool I guess.

Good day today.

Really good actually.

If I had to pick between the words “sexy” and “comfy” to describe my day, I would have to pick comfy.

Greenlaw moved the tables back into the little clusters they were in before. Which equals more Amanda-Ross eye contact. Which makes me all YAAAY inside. But we are still uncertain as to whether or not Ross is sexually neutral or not. I hope not. I’d sooo much rather go out with Ross than Matt. Just coz I know Ross is a good kid. And I like him muchly. And he’s never treated me like crap. And he’s funny. And he thinks I’m funny too… I think.

If Matt weren’t so freakin’ HOT and good on the guitar and has a hot friend. Then, things would be so much easier.

We may possibly be hanging out this weekend. But I’m really not getting my hopes up. Really not. You don’t. even. know.

Remember how I was talking to that Ryan kid? Ya, well, I told him how Sarah rambles on and on sometimes about things I don’t really care about? She does the same thing to him and it makes him want to slit his wrists TOO!! Oh man! I really thought I was alone.

But back to the Matt thing. You know, I’m beginning to notice (and whether or not I’m way off base is not the issue here) that guys really think I’m hot. Or cute. Or something and they just don’t say anything, so I end up thinking I’m ugly or something. And because I think I’m ugly, I’m ok with going back to hanging out with Matt, who treated me like crap. Sooo, I think that since I’m starting to realize that the world is basically my oyster, I’m less concerned with whether or not Matt likes me.

Ohh geez I am really not used to sounding THAT CONCEITED. Please, please forgive me, but I doubt anyways that many people read this, so I’m not deleting what I just said. It’s a huge boost to my fragile ego.

& <33
Mandy-pandy

Love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love I'm just falling to pieces

HAPPY THANKSGIVINGGG!!!

Oh man, finally thanksgiving break! Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!

I am actually really frustrated right now. And I really hate to admit the reason for this frustration. I don’t want to even say it. On top of all that, it’s really stupid and pathetic and not even worth using bandwidth (or… whatever) for.

Matt wasn’t at school for the two days of school that we’ve had this week.

And…

I really missed him.

This is bad.

Very…. Very bad.

I kept thinking he was suspended or expelled or something, but he probably just skipped. I mean, who wouldn’t, given the chance? But even that bothers me coz I keep thinking he’s skipping because he doesn’t want to see me for some reason.

See? It’s ridiculously silly. The only reason I’m writing this down is to try and get it out of my system. I wish I could believe that nothing’s going to happen because it’s not. IT’S NOOTTT!! Not that I don’t want it to (and incidentally not that I do,) it’s just that I don’t really think he likes me enough to make anything happen. Ooooohhh it’s sooo annoying!!!

I’m friends with one of Sarah’s college friends on Myspace. Apparently he likes her, but she’s not really into him. His name is Ryan. I think I freak him out a little, but it’s cool I guess. I think I mostly asked him to be my friend as a joke, and hopefully he realizes that, but I don’t really want to straight up tell him that. I may have to though later on. hahahahahahahahahaha……hahahahahah…..hahaha.

I’m thinking about getting this haircut sans fake snow:


There’s this place in Hallowell called The Lux that I’m going to try hopefully this weekend sometime. Maybe even tomorrow. I hope it’s not a mistake…

Well, I’m smelling gorgeous food and I want to partake.

&<33 Amanda

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus but he talks like a gentleman

Hey!

Well, more interesting news.

I did tryouts for the musical that’s going on. Knowing full well that I’d get a dinky part.

And I did.

I’m villager #1.

First on the list of villagers (as if that means something.)

But guess who else tried out? Matt that’s who. He’s in it too. Which means I’ll prolly have to be seeing him like every day. Hmm… Good? Bad? I don’t know. Of course fricken Molly Crate also got a (probably non villager) part. Sheesh. Basically can’t stand her much at all.

Oh and btw, I didn’t get a stupid part cuz I suck or anything, it’s cuz I can’t do things on Friday nights/ Saturdays. Religion issues. Otherwise I’d pwn.

So there’s that… and the interesting incident the other day.

So I’m helping out with French club duties (I SWEAR I am Mother Theresa reincarnated) and Ms. LaPlante asked us to go down and get a box of food out of one of the classrooms. And of course, it weighs a bloody ton. So I ended up having to be like almost parallel to the ground trying to push the box down the hall (I was parallel cuz it was a really short box.) So we get it on to the elevator and I push it maybe six feet down the hall and for some reason I just can’t get it to move any more.

Just at that moment, who should stick their head into the hall but Matt. He’s like “Hey how’s it goin?” so I’m like “Good.” Kinda embarrassed cuz of trying to get the box down the hall n stuff so I said “Hey, can you help me move this box?” And of course he bounds right over and tries to pick it up but of course can’t so who ELSE should pop their head into the hall but Mike so they end up both carrying it for me and I’m just like so proud of myself for being so resourceful. And damsel-in-distress-y. So he and Mike put the box in Ms. LaPlante’s room and the following conversation ensues:

Me: Did you see you made the play?

Matt: Yeah, I saw. I don’t know who that guy is do you?

Me: No, no clue. (chyeah right. I could basically recite that whole play.)

Matt: You’re in it right?

Me: Yeah, I’m in it. Are you gonna do it?

Matt: Yeah! Of course! (who’d of thought he would be so into drama?)

Me: Sweet! Well, see ya.

Etc. etc. etc.

Hmmm…

Actually, I don’t know what to make of all this. It kind of makes me happy, but then part of me is like “Don’t get your hopes up, who knows when he’ll pull something like last time?” And I know that that could easily happen. I keep telling myself that if I just make nice then I can actually get to do the band thing. I dunno.

I soooooooooOOOOOooOOOO don’t want to like him again.

But I can feel myself slipping every time I see him.

&<33

Amanda

I ain't takin' shit off no one, baby that was yesterday

Wow.

Holy wow.

Man, was last night weird or what?

Actually all of yesterday was weird.

So…

I thought like anything between Matt and I was over, even any possibility of us being band mates or something. Which, btw didn’t make me too upset, I was just kinda mad I couldn’t fulfill my life dream of being in a band.

But ANYWAY,

I’m just sitting in chorus minding my own business (after of course the compulsory “Hey Amanda, how’s it goin’?” “Hey Matt, pretty good.” ), when he’s like “Are you in JMG?”

Am I in JMG?!? (Jobs for Maine Grads. AKA The class people take if they don’t plan on going to college.)

Do I LOOK underprivileged to you?

“No.”
“Oh, well are you going to the induction ceremony tonight? I don’t know why you would, but me and Mike are gonna be playing for it. You should come see us.”
“Oh really, what time?”
“It’s at six.”
“Huh. Cool. I’ll see if I can make it.”

During the WHOLE conversation, John, Matt’s chorus buddy is standing (well, sitting if you want to get technical) behind him, like mouthing “Yeah! Yes! Go! Do it!” and doing thumbs up and basically convulsing and otherwise distracting me from what Matt’s saying, which leads me to believe that Matt was talking to him about it for some reason.

After chorus:

“So are you gonna come to the thing tonight?”
“Yeah, I’m gonna try if I can get gas money. What are you guys playing?”
“We dunno, but it’s gonna be sweet.” (Typical.) Then he goes back over to where John is (now) standing and starts talking to him. Wheird.

Anyways, I eventually convinced Jen to go with me so I wouldn’t have to be there all by myself.

So 6:00 rolls around and me and Jen are all situated and we take a look around and realize that this is a parent’s deal. And only a very few parents at that. Plus, come to find out, Matt isn’t even IN JMG. I kept asking myself “What am I DOING here?”

They did the one song and Jen and I sat through what was probably the most poorly rehearsed, BORING ceremony of our lives and it was over within 45 min. We found out there were free whoopee pies, so after we ran right out and got ourselves one. I hadn’t talked to Matt yet, and it sort of looked like I wasn’t going to. The douchebag didn’t even have the manners to come over and say hi, I was going to have to talk to him even though he invited me. But Jen eventually talked me into it and I went over to where Matt and Mike (and Mike’s little girlfriend. What is it with Mikes and pocket-sized skanky girls?) were hanging around (Matt was going at the guitar like crazy.) So I walk over and the following conversation ensued:

Me: Hey guys!

Mk&Mt: Hey!

Mt: Did you get here in time to hear the song?
(I’m thinking, what the hell? I thought he saw us walk in.)

Me: Yeah, I saw the whole thing. You guys are good!

Mt: It would have been better with you in it.

Mk: Yeah you should sing with us.

Me: (knowing nod to Mk) So you guys are doing harmony now huh?

Mt: Yeah a little (laugh from both.) We need to get together and jam.

Me: Yeah, definitely. Well, I got my whoopee pie, so I’m outta here. See you guys later.

Etc. etc. etc.

Yeah, it was weird, but nice and (mostly) un-awkward. It made me glad that I talked to them and therefore made the evening not a total waste.

And there’s a good 99.9999% chance that I’ll never ever be in that band.

Unless…

I tell them about the winter carnival talent show.

Which I might/will do.

Oh man, sucked back into the vacuum cleaner of boy issues. Fun times ahead.

And she has written far more than enough.

xxxxx <3

If you loved me, you would be here with me

Well hello.

Well, I must say, for the most part, things have been going very smoothly.

Boringly, but smoothly.

I still really need to get a job. I need to just take a day and go around filling out applications all over the place like I did last summer. Again. Even though nobody wanted me then, maybe they will have changed their minds.

Of course Alex gets a job at the first place she applies. I guess I must just be too picky about where I work. Hmmmm…

Guy front’s good…I guess. Nothing amazing, but nothing that leaps out and depressed the hell outta me. I’ve gotta make some fast progress on Ross if I wanna go to snowball with him. Ehhh who knows. But I think Matt has finally gotten the picture, which is good for me. Mike is still going out with midget ho (HAHAHAHA). Pete has entered the picture, but a.) he’s really, really, REALLY quiet and b.) apparently he does drugs. Umm, not cool.

So, yeah!! Sweet!

Now it’s just time to try and snag me one.

But now I must eat.

Sad that boys should occupy so much of my time.

Laterrr!

<33 Amanda

P.S. TOTALLY rocked the vote for the first time everrr today! Democracy in action GO!

He's a loser but he still keeps on tryin'

Yeah, so this has been an interesting weekend…

So Josh n Sarah came back for a visit.

I had really high hopes for this weekend. I thought, “Yes! I’m going to get to spend some quality time w/ people I’ve really missed lately.” Oh no. It’s never that easy. I got to spend lots of time with Sarah, which was nice, but Jen managed to monopolize Josh for the whole time. Here’s a basic overview of what went on:

So Thursday went fine. We surprised a bunch of people with Sarah (not many people knew she was home) and went and visited Josh at a football game. All was well. Nothing out of the ordinary. And then, Friday, we had the sleepover, but Jen and Josh ended up getting really chummy and holding hands and laying in each other’s laps and it was just like Can’t we talk without having to look at you guys fondling each other? (answer: No.) Sarah and I ended up going downstairs cuz we couldn’t look at it anymore. But finally, we ended up going to bed (and by we, I mean everyone except jen and josh.) And apparently, they did stuff after we went to bed that would cause Jen to wear a turtleneck to church and a scarf later on. Chyeah.

Long story short… they basically just made out the whole car ride back from Portland. We got to listen to the macking sounds coming from the backseat. Awesome. And Erica was back there with them while it all went on! I think I’m gonna have a hard time having much respect for Jen after this.

It was just really dumb.

As is so many other things.

But Tuesday’s my birthday, so all is right with the world for the most part. I guess.

And she wrote nothing more.

<33

Eyes glazed with distrust, no sense of wrong or right

Well, I’ve been nice and lazy and haven’t written for eons, so I guess it’s time to talk about what we learned today!

Sorry I sort of have veggie tales on the brain.

School’s going pretty nicely. I’m enjoying being on open campus and…just having a good time. Mostly. Of course there’s always got to be something wrong. Like a certain annoying someone popping back into the picture unbeknownst to me. And one of the few decent guys left doesn’t seem to care that I exist. Well, I guess it’s time for clarification.

Matt T. has been bugging me to be in his band, which would, incidentally, consist of just…me and him. And guess what?!?! Since I was kind of caught off guard and hate confrontation to begin with, I said yes. How stupid do I get exactly???

But when you get down to brass tacks, I was sort of planning on saying yes to that anyway. The best part of our pseudo relationship thingy was the time I got to sing with his band. I don’t really mind being just…JUST… friends with him and singing whilst he plays guitar, but I couldn’t possibly care any less about being in any sort of relationship, even a pseudo relationship, with him. And I hope to eventually make that painfully clear. Because it seemed when he was asking me if I wanted to “jam” that there was more to it than just the band bit. I don’t think I can explain it and maybe I’m way off base, but it just felt like there was some innuendo somewhere in there.

Well enough about THAT little blemish on my social life…

The guy I happen to REALLY like… I don’t know, it just seems like he’s not really the dating type and if he was, I’d kind of be like really low on the totem pole. It just seems like it’s never going to happen. I don’t know what I can do to make things interesting, and to be honest I don’t really know if I want things to be interesting or not. Non-interesting is nice too sometimes after an extended interesting period. Especially when there’s going to be an even more interesting period ahead.

And guess what basically made my life? Mike’s got a girlfriend…who’s like 3 feet tall…and is really disgusting and not even CLOSE to his type! HAH! Plus, she’s a freshman. And an annoying one at that. She used to hang out with Jocelyn Richards for crying out loud. Whatever. If he’s that desperate… It just seems insanely ironic that he thinks that much of himself and he ends up with HER for a girlfriend. Too much, simply too, too much.

Well at any rate, I need to take a shower.

Boys are tres tres stupide. C’est tout. Mais, c’est ils que j’adore. C’est la vie.

C’est tout elle a ecrit.

<33

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean

Well once again, it is back to ye olde grind. Harrrrumppphhhh.

But school isn’t quite as bad as it could be. Could be much worse. I guess… perhaps not, but at least it’s bearable. I absolutely <3 studio art. ‘Tis the very best of all my classes. It’s also nice to have Jen in chorus with me. Somebody nice and normal to talk to, as opposed to someone nice and abnormal to stare at, mouth agape with sheer je ne sais quoi. Yeah, and Matt’s in there again, which makes for a fun time. Blech.

The trip to Michigan was nice. A pain cuz I had to miss school which equaled sucky makeup stuff. And because we took the Volvo which meant itty bitty existing space, which equaled a very cranky me. But it was nice to stay in cool motels and get stared at by people I can bet I’ll never see again. I like to imagine that every guy I catch looking at me thinks I’m hot, but in reality they’re prolly like “What the heck is she wearing?”

The wedding was very nice, but unfortunately there was nobody my age to dance/converse with. They were either all under 10, or all waay over 30. Bad mix. So Celeste and I spent a lot of time standing outside on the deck of the country club talking about sundry things and making phone calls to Josh. Yeah I guess while I was gone, Sarah and he called me on my cell. I saw that Josh had called me a few days later and called him back, but he was in the middle of studying and didn’t even talk much, which made me sad, cuz that’s really not like Josh at all. But then Celeste reminded me that he doesn’t like to talk on the phone. Which is dumb, but true.

Got a haircut. Kinda hate it, but of course, what else is new? But it’s growing on me luckily. Hah, growing on me. Oooohh I… need sleep.

Better go do something or I’ll hate myself in the morning.

All she wrote.

<33

through the garden gate to the shelter of magnolias

Yo

Haven’t posted in forever.

Everyone has left. Everyone. It’s now just myself, Celeste, Jen and Erica. It is terribly sad.

We just got back from a fun/relaxing week at Camp Lawroweld. It was very nice and very spiritually uplifting. The only mar on that lovely experience was our resident crazy church lady having a fit about a so-called abomination. It seems that she is against, very against women wearing pants and anything that has anything remotely to do with fashion. Usually she isn’t quite as forward with it but this time she got up and handed out pamphlets and basically freaked out. It was bad.

But what I say is… SUCK IT!

Did some painting the other day. I painted a picture of a rose on a blackish grayish background. Very pretty and pleasing to look at.

Did school shopping recently *sob, sob* I really don’t want to go back, mostly because I’m tired of EVERYONE at school. They all make me sick. But another, almost bigger part of me wants to go back and finally be useful. I’ve been so useless for so long. I miss having some sort of purpose. But I will soon enough have one.

I guess we’re going out to Michigan to go to my cousin’s wedding. Yay, I get out of some school! Whatever.

I had to go to a play for AP Sr. English, and guess who I saw? Mike, that’s who. And Allison, Kristen and Michelle. But they weren’t with Mike. He was with his parents. Lol. He is tres lovely to behold but kind of a bum wipe. That’s how most lovely-to-behold boys go. It’s the not-so-lovelies that are truly sweet and kind and that really love you. I only wish I could grasp that. I must work hard at it. Looks are next to nothing in the end.

And other than that, it’s been kinda boring. Except for a few rouge shopping trips which were obviously not boring.

Annnd she’s sick of writing, therefore that’s all she wrote.

Loves and kisses

we will never break the chain

Yo.

Not much new.

Except for Dad’s back is acting up.

Normally, things of this nature shouldn’t really affect the rest of the family’s life should it? I mean the occasional fetch-n-carry isn’t going to kill anyone. But this has escalated into something far, FAR worse than that. Since his back has been out, he’s spent almost a week of staying up all night MOANING to beat the band. I’m not talking about the occasional sigh o’ frustration; this is like an all night orgy. It’s CRAZY!!! The worst one a few nights ago ended with me having to drive down to the grandparent’s house to get some pain meds. That’s when Celeste found out Nana has a dental crown, and she happened to not be wearing it that night, and it kinda freaked her out. Luckily I was too distracted by Papa’s unbuttoned shirt to notice.

And besides that I’ve had to go to a bunch (well two, but believe me it feels like thousands) of shows with Dad to help him unpack. I don’t know how he does it. Antique shows have got to be the single most boring things on the planet. Well sitting an antique booth is anyways.

I’m such a whiner. Oh well, that timeo’themonth’ll do it to ya every time.

Speaking of which, I need to go find some Advil or something…

And some food…

I really wish Ehren would write me back. There’s been a huge lull and I’m getting bored. Josh hasn’t even written back yet. ?!?!??? .

The more I talk to Ehren the more I realize how much I miss him. Or at least having someone semi intelligent to talk to. I wish I wasn’t so drawn to the self-involved, philosophical types. ‘Tis life, I would imagine.

He wants one of my CDs. I can’t imagine why.

And that’s all she wrote.

xxx

Paging Dr. Kalvin, there's a nurse loose in the hospital

Hey.

Not much new going on, and by not much I mean NOTHING.

Sarah’s leaving soon. I wish I was her.

Matt won’t talk to us anymore. I try to be sociable and say hi, and I barely get a response. He’s lucky we look at him, the little bastard.

I’ve started writing Ehren again. I’ve decided not to tell anyone, cuz I know I’ll just get crap for it. It’s kinda nice. Like venting to a blog but actually getting constructive responses. And this time he’s not all talking about his girlfriend. Major plus.

We’re hopefully going on a boating thing tomorrow. Hopefully it won’t rain, and if it does, we will have already left.

I guess I’m going to see the devil wears prada tonight. Looking forward to it. I just hope we won’t run into Mike or someone similar.

Broke a date with Willie as the last entry will (not so clearly) demonstrate.

Aaannndd

I can’t think of anything else to say.

Soooooo

Bye.

xxx

Pity the ladies in waiting, pity the gentlemen too

Disclaimer:
Ok this entry isn’t going to make any coherent sense whatsoever. You’ve been warned.

Willie’s a nice guy, but I just have this really sick feeling about it. I don’t like him, I never have and there’s a freaking good chance I never will. I guess I should just send him the letter. But why am I feeling like I shouldn’t send it? I guess I’m worried he’ll be upset and spread nasty rumors about me. And why don’t I want to go out with him? He’s annoying and, yes I’m big enough to admit it, I don’t think he’s very hot. And even if he was hot, he’s too annoying to be attractive. He’s good friend material and if I hadn’t called this a date then there probably wouldn’t have been [as much of a] problem. I guess the main reason I’m feeling like I shouldn’t turn him down is because he’ll be upset and I really haven’t had anything excitingish happen yet this summer in the boy dept. BUT I NEVER LIKED HIM TO BEGIN WITH SO I DON’T KNOW HOW THIS WOULD BE EXCITING. Well besides the fact I could say I went on a date. But it doesn’t really count for much if I don’t like the guy. And who’s to say he’d be heartbroken? I doubt I’m the only one out there he could go out with. At least I hope I’m not. And as far as I’m concerned, I’d rather not go out with anyone than go out with someone I don’t like. It’s not fair to them, and what’s more, it’s not fair to me. Even if my head’s bleeding with boredom, I’d rather let it bleed than go against my morals. Or whatever.

Yep, sending the letter’s what I have to do. And I feel ok about it.

Geez I love online journals!

XXX times 1,000

You want everything to be just like the stories that you read but never write

Hey.

Definitely saw Pirates of the Caribbean II twice over this past week. Chyeah. Got my Johnny Depp fix for like… a while. The next one had better come out soon or I smell a lawsuit.

But so far, my fave is the first one. You can watch that one through and not be clawing your eyes out with anticipation by the time it’s over.

I kinda think it would be cool if Elizabeth and Jack hooked up. That would certainly be an unexpected turn in her taste in guys. But whatever, either way.

I kinda like that creepy rasta chick with the black teeth that’s in the second one. Even though she’s like totally repulsive. I wish I could talk the way she does. I dunno. I’m weird.

Yep, was getting rather frustrated with Sarah tonight. I love how she treats me like a complete idiot. I just took a deep breath and thought over and over “She’s leaving soon, just smile and pretend you’re deaf.” But I will undoubtedly be sad to see her go. Matt didn’t put in an appearance tonight. Hmmm. I wonder to myself if he is still upset that he found out the Cote’s don’t like him. Well that isn’t our fault. What-hever.

Ehhh…

I should go to bed, but that would be boring. Talking to myself is much more fun.

It is SOOO HOTTTT!!! CAN’T…TAKE…THE HEAT…

I should go to the gym tomorrow. Hah.

That’s all she wrote.

xxx

Dear Josh...

Hey.

I really wish I’d done this last night, back when emotions were running high and thoughts were clear and sharp as a razor blade. Yeah, you know I’m the BS master.

But I’m being serious now. Even if it is rather corny…

I went through so much last night. Sadness, anger, empathy, self-loathing, and more regret than is imaginable.

I thought I would be ok. I hardly ever cry. I usually only cry at stupid little things that mean nothing. Never anything important, like the death of relatives. But I saw Jen crying Saturday night, and I knew you two liked each other and how hard this must be for her. I went in after her and Sarah and gave her a hug and I just broke down. The realization that we would all never be together again like we were and the fact that I had lost my best guy friend just came crashing down on me. Sort of like an anvil in those Road Runner cartoons.

And the entire time, all I could think about was how mean to you I have been. How I should have taken more advantage of our time together after I found out you were leaving. And how much I wished I had cried before you left, just so you could see how much you meant to me. To everyone.

All I could think to say to you when you left was “Kick their butts.” How truly uncreative and SAD is that??!!?

The horrible part about it was that I felt like I had no call to cry over your leaving. Almost like I didn’t deserve to cry, or to have any emotion about it at all. Your dad kept going on about how I was the one that got away. That made me feel so guilty. I should have just repressed all that little brother bullshit and gone out with you. It probably would have been the best decision I ever could have made. But Jen probably deserves you waay more than I ever could. She was inconsolable last night. Erica cried too. She was upset that she wasn’t there that last Wednesday.

I guess what we all have to realize is that the past is in the past and we just have to make the best of whatever we have left.

What worries me more than anything is that you’ll forget us back here once you have all your new friends, and you’ll never want to come back and see us. Please don’t forget us up here all by ourselves. Soon it’ll only be the manning girls and…that’s it.

I really really REALLLLY hope you hate it down there. We all do.

Love, Amanda.

xxx

Nothin' from nothin' LEAVES nothin'.

Apathy is setting in…Yawn.

Arizona is coming today. They were supposed to come yesterday, but Aunt Bev allegedly had a gallbladder attack. Sounds painfull.

Made 60 bucks working for Sharon yesterday. YAY! Just in time for possible mall trips with the arriving relatives. Je suis une kitten de psyched.

I guess I’m going to be hanging out with Willie in the near future. If I haven’t said anything about him before, let me just say that he used to “stalk” me. Well I didn’t know who he was and he found my Xanga and started talking to me on IM and then he’d say like what I was wearing and I didn’t know who he was, soooo yeah. I ended up blocking him. I think he’s still blocked, but I don’t go on IM very much lately. I don’t really feel the need.

So anyways, I guess he’s kind of come around since then. I talked to him a lot this past year and he’s asked me out before, but I said I didn’t know him very well, so no. But then I realized I was all excited to go out with Matt whom I barely knew at all. So I decided since I’m a little bored (to say the least) that I ought to give Willie a chance.

Like I have said many, many times, I am freaking Mother Theresa.

No but seriously, Willie is a nice kid. And he actually likes me for me (as far as I can tell). Unlike Matt who only liked me for my voice.

But now… I must clean my room and do summer AP work.

Dood bye you baad bad putty tat.

xxx

We're goin' camping we're on our waaaayyy!!! Part Deux.

Well… Camp was… fun.

I guess.

But it kinda sucked, cuz Josh was all cozy like with Jen, and Matt was all cozy like with Erica (EEEEWWWW!!!) Good lord are they friggin’ BLIND???

I mean COME ON!! All Matt wants is a lil sumpin sumpin from Erica cuz Jen has finally seen the light, and Erica doesn’t get it. Even the thought of them doing ANYTHING together is repulsive. I mean Erica’s what…? Thirteen? And Matt’s what…? SEVENTEEN?????

Chyeah. ‘Swhat I thought. It’s grosssssss.

So for the most part it was all couple-y couple-y so Celeste, Sarah and I all had to kind of keep to ourselves, cuz the couple-y couples all wanted to be alone. It’s SOOOooooOOOOoooo STUPID!

And I hate to say this, but I really just can’t stand being around Erica any more. It’s hard to put my finger on exactly why. I guess it’s just the little things, like doing that sex moaning for no apparent reason, not even to be funny, and waving her abnormally large boobs around (i.e. standing so close that they’re touching your arm.) And THEN there’s the uber annoying fake laugh that is far too common with her. And that’s just the explainable reasons. You’d have to know her to understand.

In other news…

Went to the beach today with Sarah and Celeste. It was very exciting. We got lost twice, but I was very proud of myself for not freaking out, even when my breaks almost wouldn’t work. Just enough stress to keep it exciting. But the weather was perfect and… it was just a really nice day. I still don’t have much of a tan. Must keep working at it.

Need to start working on summer work and my concert shpiel thing. Yeah, more on that later.

And that…isallshewrote.

xxx

We're goin' camping we're on our waaaaayyyyy!!!

Josh and Erica building some pancakes (Make sure your health insurance is up to date!)

We spent loads of time on the dock (as always). (That's me on the bottom!)

And, uh.... Matt sleeping...I guess... After a night of staying up ALL NIGHT. I kid you not.

yeah I'm still swinging on the cross of St.You

Wow. What a truly horrible day.

Yeah. Has your head ever started bleeding out of sheer boredom? Pretty sure mine did.

Idk, Erica was over today, so it just seemed like I couldn’t do any of the things I normally could, even though I could, because technically, she wasn’t stopping me…whatever. I’m guessing I’m starting my period or something, cuz that’s usually the explanation for hellatious days like this.

Then, instead of having the usual Wednesday night thing, we had a game night of sorts (minus the games.) Mum was pissed because, well… we forgot to tell her we were having people over. I felt really bad about it, and I even washed dishes while Josh and Sarah sat in my living room all aloney.

Speaking of Josh, he found out about everything that went on with Matt and Jen. He was pissed to say the least. He is denying that anything is going on between him and Jen. I feel really bad for Jen, because I think she really likes him and either he likes her and is denying it straight to her face or… he just doesn’t like her. But I kind of don’t think that’s possible. Sarah was being all disappointed by the fact that he doesn’t like her. Number one, she takes EVERYTHING he says waay too seriously. Number two, if he truly doesn’t like her, then she needs to accept it instead of WHINING.

Of course, who’s to say that he does like her? It’s all too terribly confusing. Boo friggen Hoo.

I reaallllllyyy neeed a huuuuuggg. And there’s nobody to give me one. *Sniff* Makes me sad.

Going to the gym tomorrow. Whoopeee. Flabless me, here I come! WooT!!

Life just bites. Hard.

And that’s all she wrote.

xxx

prettyness!!

Finally finished my crane project. You can’t really see my dresser in this shot, but they’re all hanging over my dresser. Very pretty I think.

release your inhibition

Well it has been several days and still nothing from any of the places I applied to.

Truth be known, I’m not even sure if it has been a week yet.

I GOT MY GUITARRRRR!!!! IT IS SOOO PRETTYYYYYY!!!!! Now all I have to do is to learn how to play it. Well, play it the way a rockin’ electric guitar should be played.

I needs sing for camp meeting tomorrow night. I’m a bit scared cuz I’m still not 100% positive about which song to do. Uh ohs. But, as everyone knows, I’m super Amanda and I can basically kick ass at everything. Chyeah. Don’t believe me? Just ask me.

Ohhhhh myyyyy aching creative muscles.

I gotta go make SOMETHING. Clothes, purses, paint something, ANYTHING!!!

I made a ton of these origami cranes out of pages from magazines that I want to hang around in my room. But as fate (or cruel, cruel irony) would have it, I can’t find tape to save my soul. I may be forced to use packing tape, which would probably hold better than regular scotch tape would anyway now that I think about it. Maybe when I’m done I’ll put pictures of it in here. Yay! More creative crap for me to do! Yaaaaay!

There’s this blank canvas I got at the Christmas tree shop for like 3 dollars that is just screaming for me to paint with something uber edgy. Another thing that is screaming for (red) paint is one (don’t know which yet) of the walls in my room. That would be beyond amazing. Must put on begging face.

Well I feel a bit tired of typing relentlessly.

She was a maestro of craft. Wherever she went, sewing machines hummed, creative thoughts sprang to life and beauty flourished in general. If only she could be cloned…

xxx

somewhere waiting for me my lover stands on golden sands and watches the ships that go sailing

Hey.

Finally summer! Yessssss…ssss….ssssss….ssssssssssssss.

Well this will probably be short, cuz I don’t have much to say.

I guess Jen and Josh are getting chummy. It’s cute except Josh is leaving and it might end up sucking for Jen. But whatever.

We had this Russian guy come to church. His name is Vitelli. No idea how to spell it. He’s like 20. He doesn’t know much English, aaand I guess he came over here to be a janitor at some girl’s summer camp……… yeah I didn’t get it either. He’s really not that cute. I sort of wonder what he’s like. It’s hard telling when you have to explain everything to him. He didn’t know what we meant by trumpet, so Erica and I had to explain. It was pretty funny.

Still haven’t gotten a job. I’m going out tomorrow to fill out applications. With wild abandon.

She knew that he was just using her. She knew it without a doubt. But she was tired of feeling alone and all she really wanted was to feel someone’s arms around her and to know that she wasn’t all alone. And if this is what it took, then her only choice was to do it.

xxx.

Speak now or forever hold your peace in pieces

Well hellllooooo.

I’ve not written in quite a while.

A lot of things have happened.

I really ought to talk about them

Really.

But I don’t want to. I really don’t.

For the sake of my sanity, we’ll leave it at this: *exasperated sigh*
I… wentoutwithmattforthreedays. And by Matt I mean Matt “I LOVE YOUUUU” Farley. Not Matt “ILIKEYOUBUTYOUWON’TSCREWMEEEEE” Tata.

Clearly FAR too many Matts in my life.

In other news…

Dad has put a down payment on a (get this) electric guitar. FOR MEEE!!!! But he still hasn’t paid for the rest of it, which kind of worries me because after like a month (or something like that) they take the hold off of it and and and… I’m scared. That he won’t pay for the rest of it. I asked him the other night when he was going to finish paying for it and he was like “When are you going to pay me my $20?” Which is really STUPID because I didn’t even ask him for this thing.

Here’s the story: I went into town w/ him the other day and we went into Pavlov’s looking for batteries, but we ended up checking out the guitars and stuff too. The salesman guy showed us some and played them for us (he was pretty amazing on the guitar by the way) and Dad was all asking how much they were. And I was thinking “Oh, maybe I’ll ask for this for my birthday” but then he’s all asking the guy “Can I do this in payments?” and the guy’s like “If you put money down on it now I’ll give you the batteries for free” So he ended up putting like $100 down on it. Meanwhile I’m just in total and complete shock and sheer joy. But if he doesn’t pay for the rest of it soon, he’ll have blown a hundred bucks on four AAA batteries.

School gets out TOMORROW!! *Tears of joy streaming down face* I am SO DONE!

Still trying to pin down some employment. Haven’t actually given any of the applications I’ve gotten back yet. Well except for the one I filled out at Mulligan’s today. Chyeah. Damn straight I’ll be making your ice cream. I’d really like to work at Kohl’s or Deb or Barnes and Noble. But you know… money is money.

And that’s all that sexy biatch wrote dawg.

I’m sorry. There really was no call for that.

Anyways.

xxx

Oh look what the cat puked up.

Howdy Hoo!!!

School…almost…over…must…control…fist…of…death.

Yeah today was super awkward in Chorus. We had to do this thing where we had to look at the person across from us and sing some stupid warm up thing and guess who was across from me…That’s right ladies and gents, the people’s choice for asshole of the year, put your hands together for….! Matt “you have a beautiful voice” Tata!! WOOOOO.

Yeah I’m not smiling. Times a thousand.

But I looked hott, so that’s really all that matters. He F’ed up BIG TIME.

Idk, it just sucks that we can’t be friends any more, cuz despite his assholey ways he was kinda nice. Kinda. Maybe….eh who am I kidding, he lied waaaay too much to be nice. But I kinda wanted to be in the band still. Kinda. Maybe…

I LOVE ROCK ‘N’ ROLL!!!

I want a job superrr badddd. I’m gwana apply at Barnes n Noble and the KJ (hahahahahahahaha) so far. Cheah, I can basically guarantee I’m not working there. But it’s worth a shot I suppose. Whatev. I need employment. I wanna try to apply at Kohl’s and Deb and maybe a ton of others. Just maybe.

Kinda nervous about seeing Jeremy this weekend. It’s probably not going to be a little awkward, it will probably be a LOT AWKWARD.

I wish I didn’t feel so depressed. Depression…

Jen thinks Erica is being a slut around Matt. Haha. Erica is the least of her worries at this point quite frankly.

There she was; short but not too short, her brown curls flowing behind her, long silken tan legs beneath her short white skirt. Her angelic eyes darted his way, but only momentarily. He knew he had made a mistake. An uncorrectable mistake, and now, no doubt, her heart belonged to someone who deserved all that she had to offer. And as he watched her walk out of his life, he knew he would never respect himself again.

And that’s all she penned, dahling.

Triple x

Swizzeet pizzictures

Me and ze only two guys in my churh. Matt looks like a geek, Josh looks rather suspicious of me, and I've got my eyes shut, but damn am I H-O-double T.

my lil sis tellin me to go help mum make supper

Meeeee.... in my room... lookin' dreamily up at my ceiling.

and Sarah my bestest friend ever (and Matt giving her bunny ears. What a card he is.) This is possibly THE coolest picture ever taken.

You can check out any time you like but you can never leave

Memorial day weekend is here!!! Yessss! Relief.

Tomorrow, I’m hopefully going to apply to a couple of places to see if I can get a job for the summer before all the good ones are taken. I’m really kind of freaked out. I’m mostly worried that I’ll say something incoherent or something stupid like that. I dunno. My best is all I can do.

This weekend has been pretty good so far. Went shopping today @ Marden’s with mum. It was quite fun actually and I got a ton of clothes. It was fun being with mum too.

I’m allowed to drive people now. It’s pretty exciting. I feel all grown up and shit. S’nice.

I’m really depressed that everyone is leaving. Sarah’s going to college, Josh is going to live with his brother far away somewhere and Matt may possibly be going to Canada. Jen thinks he’s going to dump her soon, cuz I guess they planned on calling it quits when he goes away to school. It makes me sad. The whole thing makes me very sad indeed.

As does the movie Tristan and Isolde. Man, what a downer.

I really want to do some sewing this weekend, but I doubt that will happen with the buttload of homework I have to do tomorrow. It’s basically a hard-knock life for me. Basically.

Mum and I saw a dust tornado today going to Marden’s. It was really creepy, and I kind of felt like I was dreaming it. Maybe…it’s some kind of sign.

Oh, I guess the biggest asshole who ever walked the earth (ie Matt T.) dumped the Jen Baker chick. Allegedly because she wouldn’t have sex with him. He is SUCH a looser. I hope he… I don’t know I just hope something REALLY bad happens to him for what a jerk he’s been. Jerk!

Well, ‘tis late and Lord knows I need my beauty sleep.

That’s all she wrote.

Amanda
*violent kisses*

Don't stop beliveing hold onto that feeling

Hey.

Well not a whole lot is new, just kinda felt like updating.

Still drowning in homework *tears streaming down face*. I keep hoping for things to get better, but they never do. I just keep saying to myself “Next week will be better, just get through till next week.” But it’s like the same.

Hopefully next week WILL be better. Week after that we have a long weekend. Finally. I’m about ready to die.

Matt (f) and Jen were being grosser than normal tonight. Jen had her hand like in matt’s crotch. It’s weird how she’ll be sitting on his lap and he just kinda goes on talking like she’s not even there and she just sits there. I don’t know. It’s bizarre to me, but probably not all that abnormal in reality.

Last Saturday was kind of…erm…interesting. I kinda don’t really want to get into details, just because it’s so… messed up and embarrassingish. I don’t know. I’m just so sick of messing around with guys. They are such a hassle. But I guess it’s what keeps life interesting and full of…excitement?...crap?...fun?.........whatever.

It was kind of weird in Journalism….

Strike is clocking 11 and that means it’s late, and that means if I want any sleep I had better end this…now.

She reached into the desk drawer, hands shaking, heart pounding. She felt the cool metal against her fingertips. Pulling the gun out of the drawer, she stared at it momentarily. The possibilities it held seemed so endless. “Not tonight.” She thought. She knew it would never happen.

And that, my friends, is all she wrote.

Night night.

xxx

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Hey hey hey!

Just got in from the chorus slash band concert. That was superrrr. I got one of the solo parts I tried out for so that was pretty exciting, although I sorta screwed up a little. Nobody really noticed luckily for me. I ended up doing the talent show on day of caring and got third place which meant a bit of a shopping spree last Sunday. I got these frikken sweet pants from A&F that were originally somewhere around 60 bucks but I got ‘em for like 12 bucks. Now that’s what I call stickin’ it to the man.

Matt keeps talking to me, which is really annoying. I’m kind of sick of him being around. He keeps asking me if I wanna be in his band and I always say yes, cuz pretty much any exposure I can get is good even if it’s like connected with him (and besides, the other singer in that band is kinda hot, so hanging out w/ him might be cool) I guess Matt’s finally going out with whatsherface, which was kind of a surprise cuz I thought they were already going out. Whatever. I couldn’t give a flying rat’s ass.

I’ve got sooo much shit to make up from being in Florida. GAAAAHHHH!!! I forgot how much makeup work SUCKS. But at least I’m finally getting semi-motivated which is new. But def. good.

Soooooooooooo tirrrrrreeeeddddd.

Mike is being a bitch. I hate him.

Good night.


xxx

But if it all turns out to be only a beautiful dream, let's keep on dreaming

Well hello.

Wow, sooo much has happened since I last wrote.

You remember Matt right? That two-timing sonofa bitch? Yeah him. He was at prom all right. With some other girl.

Yeah, I thought that was REAL cute.

He did come over and talk to me…for like two seconds at prom. I was kind of hoping he’d at least dance w/ me once, but oooh noo.

I haven’t really seen him since that night, which to be honest is FINE with me. Yeah he’s all “Oh we should play music Sunday” and I’m like OK and he never calls (big surprise).

What really pisses me off is that I wouldn’t even have liked him that much if I hadn’t been told he liked me. So basically, this whole freking thing was really stupid. I hate everything.

I’m supposed to sing for this talent show thing we’re having at the school on Friday, but the song I wanna sing I a.) don’t have the words memorized for and b.) don’t have any backup music for. So I’m thinking I may have to back out of this one, which shouldn’t be too hard, because I passed in my paper late, so I’ll just tell Alyce that I can’t do it. And on top of all that, I have this really bad stuffy nose so I’d sound all nasal. Not cool.

Well I guess there really isn’t all that much new going on… oh well.

Really liked Southern. Got the same tour guide that took Sarah and I out to dinner, Jason. He’s nice and really cute in an older guy sorta way. I guess he’s getting married this summer (bummer). Whatev.

Welp it’s late sooo…

The inspector looked up from the crumpled and stained shred of paper into the tear stained face of the frightened mother. “And that’s all she wrote.” He said, voice wavering. The mother turned aside and wept silently into her apron. She knew she would never see her poor troubled daughter again.

XXX

Time is almost up

Up at the crack of 10ish with nothing much to do.

I've been getting some wierd rash from being out in the sun which is really making me mad.

As well as a few other things that are making me mad.

This is the last day we're just here and not driving or anything. Makes me sad, cuz I STILL HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO TALK TO MATT YET AND IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE!!!!

I think I may call him tonight if by that time I still haven't talked to him. I guess... Idk, I just really want to know if he's going to prom and if we can hang out sunday. Two simple questions. No big deal or anything.

Someone tried to call me on my cell phone but apparently they hung up, cuz I tried to listen to the voicemail message and there was some woman's voice in the background and then they hung up. It said there was no number, so I couldn't find out wheather or not it was Matt. I think it could have been just a wrong number or something. I may try and call it back just to see what happened.

sheesh this is a pain in the ass.

And I still have this freaking cold. What the hell.

Went "shopping" yesterday. Possibly the most depressing thing everrr. So I have 16 bucks left and nothing, I mean NOTHING was even CLOSE to being that cheap. I mean we even went into this paper goods store and the freaking pencils were like 25 bucks a pop.

But Tina ended up buying me and celeste flip flops and t-shirts, so that was pretty nice of her. Except she told us she wanted to buy us something at the last store we went to which made me just a teeny bit upset, cuz there were other stores I had liked better, but I like what I got anyway. I guess we're going "shopping" again today at this other store that was closed when we were there yesterday, so I don't know if she's going to buy us something else or what. I sorta doubt it but I sure as hell ain't buyin anything.

Welp that's my life in a nutshell. bye!

xxxx

boop...boop...beeeeeeeeeppppp

Hi!

Ehhhh...

Not much goin on right now. Actually a little on the bored side. I am severely sun-burned, so I'm just chillin' inside fer now. I was going to try and do some homework, but apathy set in and I just ended up reading The New Yorker instead. Celeste and Daddy went to get their hair cut earlier, but I've mostly just been hanging out by the pool (in the shade I should mention. GAAAHH!! Time off my tanning regimine.)

And that's about it. But it's nice to relax and not have like pressures and everything.

I guess we're going to check out that college on Wednsday. I really hope we make it home on time, cuz that'll be like 20 bucks down the toilet if we don't (and it may be 20 bucks down the toilet anyway.)

well I have to go. I never really get to finnish one of these. Maybe someday...

that's all she wrote this time.

xxx

Wastin' away again in Margaritaville

Well we're here.

Goodness gracious it is really nice. The weather is pretty much perfect, I've already started on my tan, we're going shopping at a freakin' GINORMOUS mall later today, came really close to finally getting in touch w/ Matt and and and.... Life is GOOD!

I'm kind of worried that I don't have enough money to get something really nice at this mall, cuz everything is gonna be crazy expensive, and I am like crazy poor. But I'll find something. They have a Sephora (!!!) but I probably won't be buying anything there after all. Cuz I freakin' don't need any more makeup. I'm on the lookout for a trucker hat and anything else that I can't live without. I still can't decide if I wanna buy one big thing or... what but yeah anyhoo...

But honestly, other than being on the beach/pool and going shopping, it's really kinda boring here. And I miss everybody. But it beats the living piss out of being home. I'll write more later cuz Celeste is begging me to go swimming and I can't refuse her much longer.

*Sniff* And that's all she wrote *Tear*

xxxxxoooooxxxx

And you thought this would be easy... HAH!

Well hello...

I'm on my florida trip, and on this second day of it we are STILL at the motel and STILL somewhere near New York. We had a spot of car trouble, so we spent the better part of yesterday at this same hotel/motel whatever. If it's a motel, it's a really good one. There was like this insane breakfast, the rooms are really pretty and the shower is pretty much to die for. The best part of my day yesterday was probably taking a really long shower and painting my nails. It was really nice. But other than that, I'm kinda bored stiff. Luckily for me, I found this computer, so I wrote to Sarah, tried to get onto AIM, but that didn't work so well. Not like anyone would be on anyway though, this being vacation and everything.

Had a suuuppppeeerrrr embarrasing incident avec Matt last week.

But I guess the car is done being fixed, so I gotta go pack.

that's all she wrote!

xxx

I was the joke and it was good

Well it certainly has been quite a weekend.

Hung out with Matt again yesterday (and his band.) They are all really good. Matt is actually a really good singer, but like every time someone tried to hold the mike up to him, he’d just stop singing and I was like “awww!” He’s the way I used to be about singing. He’s also insane on the guitar.

It was just me and four guys there. His parents and sisters were around like the whole time and kept popping in, so that kind of made me feel better. About half way through, we all went outside and three of them started smoking. They asked Matt if he wanted a cigarette and he said no, so I was pretty proud of him.

But then I got home and apparently Sarah said something about how Matt can be a bit of a caution, so I got the third degree from Mum. If anything happened that made me uncomfortable, I’d just walk out. But while I was talking to mum, Matt IM’d me on my phone and was like “wanna be my sugar mama?” so then I was kinda freaking out trying to get online on the real computer and by that time, he had his away message on, so I was just kinda like shit.

So I stayed awake a lot of last night wondering if I should tell him that I’m waiting to get married to have sex. I want to go out with him really bad and I’m worried that if I tell him that, he won’t want to. So then I thought, if things get heavy or something I’ll just be like “I’m not ready” or “I’m really worried about getting pregnant” both of which are true statements. Plus, by the way things have been going, I don’t think sex is something I have to worry about right away. He seems a bit on the shy side. But we’ll see. Hopefully he’ll come online when he gets home.

I stayed home today cuz I was feeling really nauseous (which I still kind of am. I’m pretty positive it’s nerves) and I really didn’t get much good sleep last night. PLUS I didn’t study for my math test and I honestly can’t afford to bomb another one of those.

Well, wish me luck…

That’s it.

xxx

Please keep arms and legs in for the duration of the ride

Well it’s back to being a pissed kitten for me.

Great.

He was supposed to call me today (and by “he” I mean Matt) and it’s almost seven and still nothing. We just missed a call which could have been him, but I have my serious doubts. I don’t know what the hell’s going on. If he doesn’t want to hang out with me he could just not say he was going to call. I kinda don’t like clinging to the phone like I do when I’m expecting a call from him. It SUCKS!

If this is going to be some kind of regular thing, then I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I sort of want to confront him about it, but I don’t want to make it sound like I don’t like him or something. This is like more trouble than liking Mike. But at least I actually talk to Matt.

The reason I know he was supposed to call me today was cuz I talked to him this morning. I was like “I need to get your number” and he’s like “Yeah I’ll call you tonight.” So now I’m wondering if… wow I really just don’t know. This is a major pain. Brandy keeps telling me he really likes me and stuff, but you’d think if he really liked me he’d actually put in the effort and CALL MEEEE. And does he not want me calling him? Is that the deal? I don’t really need this crap. I’ve been through like twice my share of emotional BS this year, and I sort of thought this would be a break, but… Idk. I need to stop complaining.

I’m only complaining cuz I like him so much. Otherwise I wouldn’t care. I’d probably be happy.

Zis iss all she wrote.

xxx

People say she's crazy, she got diamonds on the soles of her shoes

Hum de dum de dum.

Just got back from Pizazz. That went well. Except for the fact that I don’t think Matt showed up. Which rather pisses me off to be quite honest. Things haven’t been working out so well lately. I was supposed to call him the other night, but I never got his number from Brandy. We’re supposed to hang out tomorrow, so I’m kind of expecting a call from him sometime soon. According to Brandy, Matt really likes me and wants to go out with me, buuutttt, eahh, haven’t really talked to him in a while sooo… idk.

But whatever. I really like him. A lot. I just hope he won’t somehow disappoint me.

Matt (the other matt) and Jen are going out. I may or may not have said that already, but whatever. He is awkward and annoying, and I don’t think Jen deserves that. But if she likes him and he likes her and nobody’s gonna get all pissy, then it’s all good.

I can’t believe it’s 11:00!! I’m not even that tired! Clocks go ahead tonight.

There was a pizzazz party at Maude’s, but I didn’t feel like making an appearance. I just wanted to get out of that stupid dress. My hair still looks perty awesome though.

Stupid Matt. I can’t believe he didn’t come. *sigh*.

Why does nothing go right? Ever?

Florida. Soon. Can’t. Wait.

That’s all she wrote.

xxx

I saw an angel. Of that I'm sure.

Ahhhhhh! What a lovely day!

Simply

Wonderful…

Well, as you may have guessed, I went on that … idk, date I guess… w/ Matt and… I just had the best time. It was sooo nice. Just hanging out… burning my tounge on a caramel macchiato… chyeah. Pretty much heaven. He is so lovely. And and and… I’m just really happy right now. Cuz I don’t have to go to school tomorrow.

I love everything.

Except the other matt.

Can’t say as I love him. As much anyway.

And I’m pretty positive the feeling’s mutual. Which is fine by me. I’m sick of trying to be friends with him anymore. It’s sad, but it’s just too much trouble with not enough return. He pretty much doesn’t even acknowledge my existence. Real Christian, right?

Whatever. He pretty much couldn’t ruin my happiness right now if he wanted to.

I’m just that happy.

And we’re hanging out again sometime (hopefully.) Maybe after Pizzazz is over with.

Tomorrow, I’m going with Nana and Papa to a college open house. Tons o’ fun fo’ shizzle. But that means I get to sleep all the way down, which makes me quite excited, cuz me and sleep have definitely not been seeing enough of each other. I wonder if there will be a pool? I doubt it, but I’ll prolly bring a swimsuit just in case there is. Even though I won’t have time most likely. Whatever… But I’m gonna take tons of video footage and I’m going to write a story on it for the newspaper, so hopefully I’ll have a few articles getting into the paper. Hopefully.

And darlin’, darlin’ stand by me. Oh, stand by me. Just as long as you stand, stand by me.

And that’s all she wrote.

xxxxxxxx

Je suis une Kitten de Pissed

Welllllll….

Yeah, about that whole uh… date…thing…whatever… with Matt I was supposed to go on on Saturday? Chyea, well that never happened.

So here’s the story.

So I get home from church, anxiously awaiting the call, and when it finally comes, I’m like all pumped and YAAAYY! But then he calls back, cuz he was trying to find a ride and I guess he couldn’t, or he wasn’t home or whatever. We were gonna go to the movies, but I guess he’s not a big fan and there really wasn’t anything good playing, so I suggested we just go to Barnes & noble and hang out and he seemed to be cool w/ that. Then he calls back again and he still can’t find a ride apparently (he got his license taken away, but I guess he gets it back today. I really don’t want to know why he lost it….) so he’s like, let’s just hang out Sunday. And I was like, whatever.

So Sunday rolls around and he doesn’t call me until like 7:30 at night, so I was pretty much a pissed kitten. I carried the phone around ALL DAY like a woman on crack, cuz I didn’t want mum answering it. I even took it in the shower for Cripes sake! So we decided to hang out on Wed. but I’m still not sure what we’ll be doing or anything… gaaah! Men.

Yeah and He found out about Matt, cuz Andrea was like “I know somebody who likes you” And I was just like “…..really?” (he laughed at that) and she was like “He wants to get to know you.” And I was like “Your’e talking about matt right?” and she’s like yep. And then he’s like “matt who?” Which kinda surprised me, cuz I didn’t think he’d really care too much, but whateves. Then he was all talking to me and that really hasn’t been happening much lately. I wish he liked me like Matt does. I’d feel safer going out w/ him. I don’t know why, he’s like way more angry.

I’m just really sick of angry people. Suck it up. Just suck it up. We all KNOOOW life’s a beach aredy. Just go w/ it.

And that would be all she wrote.

xxx

Thaaanks! Hey, nice outfit!

HOOOOLLLYYY CRAAAAPPPP!!!

What a DAY!!

What a WEEK actually.

Ahem…

Ok, so we had Lit Fest last night and I sang for it and now everyone’s like “OMG you are such a good singer” and stuff and I always feel like I should compliment them back, but I just end up saying just “thaaanks” cuz I just don’t know what else to say. Last night I thought of just saying “I like your outfit” or something to like take the pressure off of me. Everyone’s like “why don’t you sing more?” I sing all I freakin’ can! I don’t know what they expect; do they think I’m gonna pull an Andrea and just sing in the hallways? I’m not exactly like that. But anyhoo, lit fest went well, even though I started too high, so I was barely reaching the notes, but everyone seemed to like it well enough, so it’s all good.

Now for the EXCITING and UNSUSPECTED part: today.

So I’m just casually walking out of math class like I normally do on B days and Brandi, this girl I talk to in my chorus class comes out of nowhere and is like “I need to talk to you!” And I’m just like “Woah, Ok.”

So she goes on to tell me how she was hanging out avec him #2 and I guess he was talking about me and how much he liked me and what a good singer I was and even how he’d give up smoking for me and how he was asking if I’d ever look twice at him and I was just pretty much in TOTAL SHOCK! So she’s like “We need to hang out sometime” so I gave her my number and she said we’d talk tomorrow. So I’m all thrilled and don’t even care THAT much that him 1 doesn’t even really talk to me.

Then, I’m leaving school and I run into Brandi again and she told me she told him about it and he was all excited, so then she asked me when I wanted to hang out and I was just like “I dunno” so she said we’d talk tomorrow, so I just left.

THEN, like right after I got home, she calls me and is like “What are you doing tonight?” and I had kinda planned on getting caught up on some projects I had going and then she’s like “Do you wanna go to a party Saturday night?” and I was kinda like, freaked out a little cuz to me party screams pot and beer, but I was like “Um Ok.” So then she’s like “Wanna talk to Matt?” and I was like “Suuuuuure” and so he comes on *swooooon* and is like “We should hang out sometime” and I’m like “Yeah we should” so already long story a few lines short, I guess we’re gonna talk about it tomorrow in Chorus.

So half of me is really excited about hanging out with him and the other half is freaked out about the “party” thing. But I’ll just bring my car and leave if it gets too hard core. It’ll be a good test of my, um… Temptation resisting…skills.

And the all-important question that I will be worrying about right up until I leave for said party?

What the hell am I going to wear?!?

aaannndd…

that’s all she wrote.

xxx

I'm siiiinging randomlllyyyyy, I'm siiiinging randomlyyyyy

hey.

Not much happening lately, and by not much I mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Well, I exaggerate, there has been some stuff going on, but ya know, it’s not really the sort of thing I would really love to be going on.

Some guy from Southern took Sarah and I out to dinner at Olive Garden to talk to us about the college n stuff. He (obviously) was a recruiter. I guess he found out about us through Pastor Farley’s wife, cuz I guess Jason (the recruiter) is staying at her daughter’s house, so the daughter and the son-in-law also were there. The son in law (Trevor I think his name was) was reaaaallllyy cute and funny and he looked surprisingly young to be the principal of a school (you heard me.) And there were also these two guys from the school Trevor works at. They were kinda boring and not very cute, but Trevor and Jason made up for it (Jason was also cute in an older guy sorta way.) So that was a fun and semi-informative evening of Italian food. Sooo yeah.

I have a lot of singing type stuff going on at the high school this month. It’s pretty frikkin amazing. I’m singing for lit fest, probably Pizzazz (The list of people who made the auditions comes out tomorrow), and I’m really hoping I get the solo for the chorus concert. I sang the song I’m singing for lit fest the other day and I guess Mr. Klofas told everyone about it and so today like all my teachers wanted to hear me sing it. I was supposed to sing it in English, but HE was in there and so I was a little embarrassed even though he’s already heard me sing.

Not much has been happening there lately, but that’s ok cuz I think I’m about done liking him. I haven’t like talked to him at all this week, well I did Monday, but there’s like nothing to say anymore for some reason. It’s really weird. My theory on it is that we both like(d) each other, but were unsure if the other one felt the same, so nothing happened. It’s really quite sad, but that, I’m afraid, is life in a nutshell.

Anyways I’ve moved on to him #2, so life is good! Ran into him (literally) in the hall today. ‘Twas a nice experience. I’ve only talked to him once and that was the time he asked me to be in his band, and that’s pretty much the last I heard of him. But oh well, there’s still time I guess.

And that’s all she wrote.

xxx

Woe is me! Woe betide me!

Wow I'm really sad right now. But honestly what is new?

Alright, well time to talk about that other part of my life.

I have a huge crush on this guy from my school who shall henceforward be refered to as... um ... HIM for lack of a better name. I've liked him for pretty much the whole school year and frankly it's getting nowhere. There are a couple of reasons for this. One, I’m pretty shy and I suppose he is too (to an extent). Two, there are a lot of girls (so I’m told) who like him and quite honestly listing this crap is making me feel not so un-ill.

Let’s just say for sanity’s sake there are a lot of reasons I’m not at this time going out with said him.

At first it seemed like things were going pretty well. But it’s all sorta either going downhill or has reached a sort of proverbial plateau. And I can’t honestly say I’m very happy at this point in time. He seems to be talking to me less and less and the more I think about it the less I think he likes me which makes for a very distressed me. But what the hell do I know?

I was just talking to him on IM and that used to go pretty well, like I’d talk to him for a long time and things would just kinda come out but now it’s not like that. I have to really think of something to say, and that’s kind of a pain cuz I’m beginning to realize I don’t even know him that well and I really don’t know how to go about knowing him. He’s so mysterious and… troubled I guess you’d say. I think he likes one of my friends (a lot) but I don’t really know. I don’t really know much I’m coming to realize. Like I’ll try to keep some sort of conversation going, but I don’t know what to say. I want to be interesting but I don’t really know what I could say that would interest him.

But he’s soo hot and deep down he’s really smart and he actually takes time to think about stuff, he’s really deep. Scary deep almost. I wish I could talk to him about that sort of thing, but I’d probably sound stupid. He tends to be a little way out there. Some of the stuff makes sense, most of it, but some of it’s just like… I don’t know how to explain it.

I just wish I knew what he thinks of me and whether or not I should spend so much time worrying about it. Josh says I should just tell him I like him, and I kind of am still considering that but I would rather go on like this than screw it up entirely. I don’t know.

Welp, that’s all I gotta say about that for now. If anyone reads this and thinks they can give me some advise, by all means advise away.

I guess we’re staying at nana’s tomorrow night. Superrrrr.

I love ranting. So stress relieving.

Nighty night

XX

New... erm... blogger blogger

Hello all!

This is (quite obviously) my first post! Su-weeet! I really miss blogging. I used to have an xanga blog (www.xanga.com/bluemoonbabe) but that got a bit out of hand for various reasons. I rather like not having anyone I know see my blog just total strangers if they ever bother to read this. If they do, that's fine, if they don't, well, their loss, but that's also fine.

Quick update:

So right now I'm on feb. vacation and totally loving it! I've FINALLY gotten a chance to do some sewing. I made a sundress out of some lovely dress shirt material. It came out a tad shorter than I was planning, but it is tres cute in the extreme. Also made some alterations to this HUGE AE sweatshirt I've had forever that I never wear just cuz it's soo big. I gave it a scoop neck and cut off some of the bottom and I think it's waaay cuter now. Enough on that thoug...

This year has been INSANE as far as schoolwork is concerned. I've been really busy and my grades are starting to suffer a little. Well ok a lot. This is the first time I haven't been on honor roll since I started high school and it SUCKS SOOO BAD!! But hopefully things will come around since my stint as an extra in the musical has come to a close. That really brought me down. But I'm trying to change my ways and get it together.

Good lord I sound like a total geek.

Whatever.

Not looking forward to tonight. We have these wednsday night meetings at my house when my youth group comes over and has bible studys. After an unfortunate incident avec Matt, I'm a bit nervous about explaining exactly why it was that I grabbed his butt Saturday for no apparent reason.

Well, here's the explination.

Let me say this right off, I really really really x 10,000 DON'T like Matt that way at all whatsoever. It's been really wierd with him because he's all like he just wants to be friends with us (us as in all the girls in youth group. There are only two boys.) and then he's like making fun of us and saying we're like boy phobic and so on and I was just SICK of that shit. we don't like him like that at all, so why should we feel obligated to do that sort of thing. I only did that to prove that I'm not scared.

And anyway I just found out that we're cancelling the meetings tonight cuz my sister is sick. Oh well!

More later.

XX