Wow I don't really know what to say...
Ceased caring about Josh. Good plan I'd say. That way if he never does call me (an act I no longer feel the need to carry out) I won't care.
Highlighted my hair blonde in a fit of menstrual je ne sais quoi and was subsequently forced to re-dye it brown. It looks pretty cool now, a very light brown with some still, quite noticeable highlights. I really rather regret doing it, but in the same sense I'm glad I did it because.... hahah I don't know. I'm proud of me for acting on impulse for once. Wait... that's all I ever do.............
Anyway...
Went to Matt's birthday party on Saturday. That was pretty cool. It was kind of awkward because it was mostly his family there and... well for part of it I kind of felt like I wasn't fitting in well at all. We went out to eat at a mexican restaurant in Waterville and then came back to Matt's house and watched Milo and Otis. Everything from the ride home on went fine. I really like hanging out with Matt and Colby mostly because I really feel like I can be my awkwardly weird self around them and not feel like I have to hold much back. Of course they probably think I'm freaking weird, but I feel the same way about them most of the time so it all evens out.
I don't know... just really fun.
I really need to work on getting my life (and by life I mean room) together. Seriously it's getting soooo rediculus. I can't even walk without stepping on something. Tomorrow..... is another day.
And I have to open, soooo... goodnight.
*kisses!*
♥
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Thursday, June 21, 2007
there's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
Well since I have nobody to talk to (as it is a half hour into tomorrow) I’m just going to have an all-out bitch session right now.
Which is really not a helluva lot different than any other blog post.
This one is just complete, unabashed bitching and moaning.
I am really upset about this whole not-talking-to-Josh thing. It’s just REALLY getting to me. Horribly. I feel so bad right now. Horrible mood. I feel lonely and ugly and pissed off and confused and fat and depressed and just every other bad thing I could possibly be feeling right now. Honestly, this is what shit must feel like.
I’ve been thinking about it though, and I’ve decided to call him while I’m at the mall on Friday (Yep. Going to the mall with Colby and Matt. I should be really excited right now, but of course… I’m not.) That way I can casually throw that into the conversation, thereby making myself seem less desperate whilst being surrounded by moral supporters (I hope.) I really want to call him now, but… it’s late.
OOOOOHHHHHHHHH WHY does this happen to ME all the time???
I was over to Alex’s today to play badminton (yet another reason why I should be happy… but nothing.) and… I dunno… seeing Alex and Colin together just made me even more depressed. Well it made me start thinking about it anyway. They’re still awkward-ish (def. getting better, but it’s there) but their relationship is … admirable. Even through the awkwardness.
I envy their happiness.
I HATE FEELING UGLY. I feel ugly and fat and… acne infested.
It had better be that time of the month. That’s the ONLY explanation I could have for this mood. And that had better be the explanation.
I’m SO UNSPEAKABLY SICK of this not-knowing-what-the-hell-his-deal-is shit.
I don’t know what I want. At all. I don’t really want a boyfriend, like an official boyfriend. I guess all I really want is some guy to hang around with. Like a friends with benefits, easy on the benefits. Hahahahahah. Yeah I think I’m alone on that one…
I think. I don’t know. And that’s what I hate. That’s what’s driving me crazy right now.
I have to know.
What he wants.
If he even cares.
I think far too much.
Goodnight.
…
I just need to make him see that I do care.
Because I really do.
Now.
Now that it’s too late.
(possibly)
Which is really not a helluva lot different than any other blog post.
This one is just complete, unabashed bitching and moaning.
I am really upset about this whole not-talking-to-Josh thing. It’s just REALLY getting to me. Horribly. I feel so bad right now. Horrible mood. I feel lonely and ugly and pissed off and confused and fat and depressed and just every other bad thing I could possibly be feeling right now. Honestly, this is what shit must feel like.
I’ve been thinking about it though, and I’ve decided to call him while I’m at the mall on Friday (Yep. Going to the mall with Colby and Matt. I should be really excited right now, but of course… I’m not.) That way I can casually throw that into the conversation, thereby making myself seem less desperate whilst being surrounded by moral supporters (I hope.) I really want to call him now, but… it’s late.
OOOOOHHHHHHHHH WHY does this happen to ME all the time???
I was over to Alex’s today to play badminton (yet another reason why I should be happy… but nothing.) and… I dunno… seeing Alex and Colin together just made me even more depressed. Well it made me start thinking about it anyway. They’re still awkward-ish (def. getting better, but it’s there) but their relationship is … admirable. Even through the awkwardness.
I envy their happiness.
I HATE FEELING UGLY. I feel ugly and fat and… acne infested.
It had better be that time of the month. That’s the ONLY explanation I could have for this mood. And that had better be the explanation.
I’m SO UNSPEAKABLY SICK of this not-knowing-what-the-hell-his-deal-is shit.
I don’t know what I want. At all. I don’t really want a boyfriend, like an official boyfriend. I guess all I really want is some guy to hang around with. Like a friends with benefits, easy on the benefits. Hahahahahah. Yeah I think I’m alone on that one…
I think. I don’t know. And that’s what I hate. That’s what’s driving me crazy right now.
I have to know.
What he wants.
If he even cares.
I think far too much.
Goodnight.
…
I just need to make him see that I do care.
Because I really do.
Now.
Now that it’s too late.
(possibly)
Monday, June 18, 2007
I've been reaching for the stars with you, honey
Hey!
Well… I’m graduated! It’s weird, I don’t feel different at all. In fact, it doesn’t even feel like summer even. Which is pretty annoying.
Went to Project Grad. I really wish I’d written about this closer to when it happened, but… whatever.
So… here’s how it went down… well the interesting bits anyway.
So we’ve been at P.G. for quite a while (it’s about… ooohh… 3:30 ish in the morning) and I’m hanging out at the bouncy jousting thing that was there and Josh saunters over and is like “So you wanna go watch a movie or something?” And I’m like “Sure.” We get about five feet from my crowd and he’s like “And by watch a movie I mean find somewhere to snuggle.” I’m thinking “Duuuh!” (Sheesh I feel like a valley girl or something… meh)
Couple minuites later, we came back to the jousting place (everyone else had gone) and we’re just snuggling or whatever the hell. I’m like half asleep, and since I’m not experienced in the field of making out, I’m just kind of using him as a giant pillow. Josh starts playing with his phone, so I’m like “Bored?” and he goes “Yeah.”
Sweet! Huge… erm… confidence boost or whatever.
Anyway, Leigh is leaping around like a lemur on steroids, so Josh and I ended up going over to the other bouncy thing for further cuddling. But there were a ton of his friends there, which was awkward ish. So that went on for a while. And then, a while into it, we ended up kissing. Twice.
Yep. Lost my kissing virginity. WOoo HoooOO.
It was weird though. I sort of thought it would be more scary or something, but there really wasn’t much to it.
Haven’t seen him in forever. It makes me really sad. I sent him a facebook comment (yeah got Facebook and I have one thing to say. Myspace pwns it.) but haven’t heard back. I wish I knew more… but I don’t.
If he doesn’t call within like… a week and a half… I’ll call.
It makes me sad, but at the same time, this is pretty much what I wanted. But not really, I did kind of want to hang out with him more than I am (which is not at all at the moment.) It was really hard trying to nail him down even when we were seeing each other every day at school. Whatever.
I HATE working so much. It really sucks. The managers are making me want to just throw a huge fit.
Ben and I are friends on Facebook. He is just too cool for words. Absolutely too cool.
RAAAAWWWRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*cry*
<33
Well… I’m graduated! It’s weird, I don’t feel different at all. In fact, it doesn’t even feel like summer even. Which is pretty annoying.
Went to Project Grad. I really wish I’d written about this closer to when it happened, but… whatever.
So… here’s how it went down… well the interesting bits anyway.
So we’ve been at P.G. for quite a while (it’s about… ooohh… 3:30 ish in the morning) and I’m hanging out at the bouncy jousting thing that was there and Josh saunters over and is like “So you wanna go watch a movie or something?” And I’m like “Sure.” We get about five feet from my crowd and he’s like “And by watch a movie I mean find somewhere to snuggle.” I’m thinking “Duuuh!” (Sheesh I feel like a valley girl or something… meh)
Couple minuites later, we came back to the jousting place (everyone else had gone) and we’re just snuggling or whatever the hell. I’m like half asleep, and since I’m not experienced in the field of making out, I’m just kind of using him as a giant pillow. Josh starts playing with his phone, so I’m like “Bored?” and he goes “Yeah.”
Sweet! Huge… erm… confidence boost or whatever.
Anyway, Leigh is leaping around like a lemur on steroids, so Josh and I ended up going over to the other bouncy thing for further cuddling. But there were a ton of his friends there, which was awkward ish. So that went on for a while. And then, a while into it, we ended up kissing. Twice.
Yep. Lost my kissing virginity. WOoo HoooOO.
It was weird though. I sort of thought it would be more scary or something, but there really wasn’t much to it.
Haven’t seen him in forever. It makes me really sad. I sent him a facebook comment (yeah got Facebook and I have one thing to say. Myspace pwns it.) but haven’t heard back. I wish I knew more… but I don’t.
If he doesn’t call within like… a week and a half… I’ll call.
It makes me sad, but at the same time, this is pretty much what I wanted. But not really, I did kind of want to hang out with him more than I am (which is not at all at the moment.) It was really hard trying to nail him down even when we were seeing each other every day at school. Whatever.
I HATE working so much. It really sucks. The managers are making me want to just throw a huge fit.
Ben and I are friends on Facebook. He is just too cool for words. Absolutely too cool.
RAAAAWWWRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*cry*
<33
Monday, June 04, 2007
no matter what they say, I'm still the king
Well here I am in creative writing, being totally and completely uncreative or in any other way artistic, so I’m just going to do this freewrite now.
Blueberry fields with huge bears noshing on anything they can get their hands on. Fiery volcano killing the town below with its molten death. Mud huts swallowed by the inevitable. Bicycles, plastic water jugs, fields of rice, pigs. Only the villagers are able to escape untouched. But they are touched. They have nothing but the clothes on their backs and the children in their arms. What will become of them now? Out of things, out of things, out of things, we are a society full of things. We want things, we need things. To feel important, to feel valuable. Life is more than things. It’s all about the skills you have. Non-perishable belongings that will never be lost, like riding a bicycle. Wow it just took me like ten minutes to figure out how to spell bicycle. I get the I and the Y mixed up for some reason. Sometimes I wonder if I’m dyslexic. Bicycle takes me ten minutes to figure out but I spell dyslexic on the first try. Something isn’t right with that.
I don’t know what to write about. I am really excited about making my newspaper dress. I hope it doesn’t rip and that it fits and everything. Working on it just makes me really happy. I’m so content when I’m sewing. Even though I’m not really sewing anything it’s just tape and newspaper. It’s going to be absolutely the coolest thing I have ever made, if it doesn’t rip. Now I’m going all catatonic schizophrenic with thinking about it. That’s what happens when I think really hard. I hold completely still and look off into the distance. It must seem really weird to other people, and I didn’t realize how much I do it until I started work on the dress.
I don’t want to write creatively... Most of what I have written has a secret meaning that only I know about. Almost every poem is written about some emotion I've had in the past. A lot of the ones from first quarter aren’t out of my emotional memory bank and they aren’t nearly as good. I hadn’t really experienced any of the things that I wrote about in those early poems, so I couldn’t do the description of those emotions justice. That and I was all about writing depressing things. Emo poetry tends to be my genre of choice unfortunately. It’s like Mr. Klofas said: "Happy people don’t do anything but daydream. Sad people write." Actually he didn’t exactly say that, but it was something to that effect. It’s really true too. I guess. Even the poems I write to be happy poems have bitter undertones. I wrote 1337 after poetry night when my friend and I were talking about how depressing everyone’s poetry was. I wrote it to be a happy poem, and it is (more than the others I’ve written) but you can tell that the speaker is trying to pull themselves out of some kind of depressing situation (“Happy and free from all that shit”) Like there used to be really big problems but now they’re walking away. It just seems bitterly happy. I don’t think I’d want to write anything extremely perky though, because that sort of poetry doesn’t reflect life. There aren’t many situations where life is just purely happy without any worries or concerns. I think that a life like that would be boring after a while, honestly. Nothing makes life really interesting like a good unrequited love or confusion over a life changing decision or maybe it’s just a lack of money. Really, those are the things that make us interesting and that drive us to express our pent-up emotions in writing and other art forms.
Mr. Klofas’ quote really doesn’t work for traditional art, mostly just writing. Happy people are probably as likely to paint something as an unhappy person. They would probably paint something really sappily cute though. Puppies and still lives of flowers leap to mind. But happy people aren’t going to write much.
Now, as I think about who’s in this class, there are some happy people. Funny though, they all seem to write sad poems, things about boys being stupid, family turning their backs on them, the stuff country songs are made of. I guess everyone has some kind of a dark side to them; they don’t necessarily have to be an angry person. I don’t think I’m unhappy, but I guess I could be a little dark at times. I’m having some pretty profound thoughts right now. Exciting! Too bad I’m running out…
I’m really glad about having a job, even though I kind of hate it. Well I guess hate is too strong a word, more like I’d rather not have to stand for like four hours straight and have to deal with angry people who want their Camel wide pack medium-light mentholated 100 ¾’s NOW or they might just leap over the counter and strangle me. There are only 5,784,754,827,483 different kinds of cigarettes and I’ve been working, what? … 3 DAYS.
Well class is over now… time to work on that dress!
Blueberry fields with huge bears noshing on anything they can get their hands on. Fiery volcano killing the town below with its molten death. Mud huts swallowed by the inevitable. Bicycles, plastic water jugs, fields of rice, pigs. Only the villagers are able to escape untouched. But they are touched. They have nothing but the clothes on their backs and the children in their arms. What will become of them now? Out of things, out of things, out of things, we are a society full of things. We want things, we need things. To feel important, to feel valuable. Life is more than things. It’s all about the skills you have. Non-perishable belongings that will never be lost, like riding a bicycle. Wow it just took me like ten minutes to figure out how to spell bicycle. I get the I and the Y mixed up for some reason. Sometimes I wonder if I’m dyslexic. Bicycle takes me ten minutes to figure out but I spell dyslexic on the first try. Something isn’t right with that.
I don’t know what to write about. I am really excited about making my newspaper dress. I hope it doesn’t rip and that it fits and everything. Working on it just makes me really happy. I’m so content when I’m sewing. Even though I’m not really sewing anything it’s just tape and newspaper. It’s going to be absolutely the coolest thing I have ever made, if it doesn’t rip. Now I’m going all catatonic schizophrenic with thinking about it. That’s what happens when I think really hard. I hold completely still and look off into the distance. It must seem really weird to other people, and I didn’t realize how much I do it until I started work on the dress.
I don’t want to write creatively... Most of what I have written has a secret meaning that only I know about. Almost every poem is written about some emotion I've had in the past. A lot of the ones from first quarter aren’t out of my emotional memory bank and they aren’t nearly as good. I hadn’t really experienced any of the things that I wrote about in those early poems, so I couldn’t do the description of those emotions justice. That and I was all about writing depressing things. Emo poetry tends to be my genre of choice unfortunately. It’s like Mr. Klofas said: "Happy people don’t do anything but daydream. Sad people write." Actually he didn’t exactly say that, but it was something to that effect. It’s really true too. I guess. Even the poems I write to be happy poems have bitter undertones. I wrote 1337 after poetry night when my friend and I were talking about how depressing everyone’s poetry was. I wrote it to be a happy poem, and it is (more than the others I’ve written) but you can tell that the speaker is trying to pull themselves out of some kind of depressing situation (“Happy and free from all that shit”) Like there used to be really big problems but now they’re walking away. It just seems bitterly happy. I don’t think I’d want to write anything extremely perky though, because that sort of poetry doesn’t reflect life. There aren’t many situations where life is just purely happy without any worries or concerns. I think that a life like that would be boring after a while, honestly. Nothing makes life really interesting like a good unrequited love or confusion over a life changing decision or maybe it’s just a lack of money. Really, those are the things that make us interesting and that drive us to express our pent-up emotions in writing and other art forms.
Mr. Klofas’ quote really doesn’t work for traditional art, mostly just writing. Happy people are probably as likely to paint something as an unhappy person. They would probably paint something really sappily cute though. Puppies and still lives of flowers leap to mind. But happy people aren’t going to write much.
Now, as I think about who’s in this class, there are some happy people. Funny though, they all seem to write sad poems, things about boys being stupid, family turning their backs on them, the stuff country songs are made of. I guess everyone has some kind of a dark side to them; they don’t necessarily have to be an angry person. I don’t think I’m unhappy, but I guess I could be a little dark at times. I’m having some pretty profound thoughts right now. Exciting! Too bad I’m running out…
I’m really glad about having a job, even though I kind of hate it. Well I guess hate is too strong a word, more like I’d rather not have to stand for like four hours straight and have to deal with angry people who want their Camel wide pack medium-light mentholated 100 ¾’s NOW or they might just leap over the counter and strangle me. There are only 5,784,754,827,483 different kinds of cigarettes and I’ve been working, what? … 3 DAYS.
Well class is over now… time to work on that dress!
when you feel so tired but you can't sleep
The Anatomy of a Moment
I step out into the cold, clear night, holding my thin coat tightly around my torso in an effort to keep out the sneaky breeze that flits through the air. I tilt my face upward. The western sky still glows as the fading light lingers, undergoing the transition between glorious, cloudless day to forbidding night.
But the night is not so forbidding this minute. It is awe-inspiring, causing the earth below to fall into a state of total reverence. The azure skies of several hours earlier have given way to deep indigo velvet studded with diamond-esque stars. Along the horizon, a lighter blue haze causes the imperial heavens to seem electrified, alive. This is a night for greatness, a night where one looks inside oneself in the face of the complete vastness and, while seeing the good and the bad, realizes that though they may not have done everything right, they’ve ultimately done the right thing.
As I stand, pondering life, trying to be introspective, I realize I don’t want to forget any of what I am feeling now. I want this fragment of time to be forever halted in my memory. I try to take in everything humanly possible. The smell of the air (crisp, clean springtime, fresh dirt and a whisper of wood smoke.) The light, chill breeze that gently moves my hair across my face. The beautiful, unnamable color of the sky and the brilliance of the few stars sprinkled against it. The glow of the horizon as the sun wakes the other half of the globe and, as I turn, the ominous black-blue of the night to come.
Then I solidify this place in time. I can feel my weight balanced on the precipice of change and the future is the flood below. I feel the tension of the assembled masses behind screaming for me to do the inevitable. Faces in the crowd: my parents, my friends, my teachers. Even I am among them, chanting with the mob “Jump! Jump! Jump!” Suddenly the ground beneath my feet is gone as I hurl myself into the void, arms open wide and head flung back. I soar downwards with unbridled energy, but as I prepare to make contact, I continue to fall, the water so close and yet never quite in reach.
That is where I am now. On the very doorstep of change. Falling and out of control, my goal always evading me. But this night envelops me and my mass of insecurities, reassuring me that I’ll be fine and above all, that I need to rest. I turn to go back to the warmth of my home, thinking about how nice it was to be alone in the dark.
I step out into the cold, clear night, holding my thin coat tightly around my torso in an effort to keep out the sneaky breeze that flits through the air. I tilt my face upward. The western sky still glows as the fading light lingers, undergoing the transition between glorious, cloudless day to forbidding night.
But the night is not so forbidding this minute. It is awe-inspiring, causing the earth below to fall into a state of total reverence. The azure skies of several hours earlier have given way to deep indigo velvet studded with diamond-esque stars. Along the horizon, a lighter blue haze causes the imperial heavens to seem electrified, alive. This is a night for greatness, a night where one looks inside oneself in the face of the complete vastness and, while seeing the good and the bad, realizes that though they may not have done everything right, they’ve ultimately done the right thing.
As I stand, pondering life, trying to be introspective, I realize I don’t want to forget any of what I am feeling now. I want this fragment of time to be forever halted in my memory. I try to take in everything humanly possible. The smell of the air (crisp, clean springtime, fresh dirt and a whisper of wood smoke.) The light, chill breeze that gently moves my hair across my face. The beautiful, unnamable color of the sky and the brilliance of the few stars sprinkled against it. The glow of the horizon as the sun wakes the other half of the globe and, as I turn, the ominous black-blue of the night to come.
Then I solidify this place in time. I can feel my weight balanced on the precipice of change and the future is the flood below. I feel the tension of the assembled masses behind screaming for me to do the inevitable. Faces in the crowd: my parents, my friends, my teachers. Even I am among them, chanting with the mob “Jump! Jump! Jump!” Suddenly the ground beneath my feet is gone as I hurl myself into the void, arms open wide and head flung back. I soar downwards with unbridled energy, but as I prepare to make contact, I continue to fall, the water so close and yet never quite in reach.
That is where I am now. On the very doorstep of change. Falling and out of control, my goal always evading me. But this night envelops me and my mass of insecurities, reassuring me that I’ll be fine and above all, that I need to rest. I turn to go back to the warmth of my home, thinking about how nice it was to be alone in the dark.
and I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Dead
Floating to the top of the bowl
Pounding heartbeat growing fainter in my ears
Time slows to a stop in the fading light
No control over
Motions
Emotions
Actions
Yours or mine
Shock like morphine
Can’t feel the pain but it’s there
Flying under the radar for now.
I want a reaction.
I want tears down my face,
My soul in flames,
Put my heart in the blender and call it a day.
I don’t want to be this island.
Don’t isolate me here.
You won’t be the first,
You won’t be the last
But don’t be the one now
I can’t handle that.
I want you to talk to me.
Remember what you said.
I want you to smile again.
Forget what I said.
Was I too much trouble?
Well I’m sorry.
I thought you cared more than that.
(If you don’t, tell me.)
I thought you were smarter than that.
(If you aren’t, I want to know.)
I thought you were telling the truth.
(If you weren’t, say something.)
Don’t feel like you’re the only one
Who aches for someone’s arms
(holding you tight)
Who wants to be loved so damn bad
(my eyes get sheltered by the lids)
Who misses being kissed
(we touch lips as I wake up)
Be someone’s hero.
You might as well be mine.
00728
In the middle of this vast sea of humanity
I am more alone than I have ever been before
Pushed along by the crowd’s ebb and flow
Staring blankly at no one in particular
But everyone at once.
Then, there are two in my universe
I turn and there you are
Waiting for me
Me…
The stars have aligned
My mind shuts down and I run
Waves of happiness as you speak into my neck,
The sounds vibrating from your head to mine.
I breathe your sweet scent
I am complete.
Suddenly
You’re saying something
I’m not saying anything
But that’s only because I can’t hear you.
Then you smile as you turn to leave,
You reach out and touch my arm
And you’re gone.
Wait, there was so much I had to say!
So much…
But I would never say what I really wanted to
Even if I could have thought of it.
Everything would be ruined then.
The moment is over now, a flash in the pan.
At least I know this will not be the end.
1337
Breaking out
Getting free
Finding out
What it is to be me
Done playing games
No more drowning in the sea
Nothing’s gonna be the same
What’s it mean to be me?
Can’t hold me back
Don’t even bother trying
Getting this life back on track
So over all my crying
I won’t be making more amends.
Do I know you?
Do you want us to be friends?
Yeah, I do too.
Left my baggage at the train
I’m not going back to get it
Arms outstretched, running in the rain
Happy and free from all that shit.
Kissing it all goodbye
Kissing it all goodbye
Kissing
It
All
Goodbye.
68983
Ready to fight
Weapons loaded
Shaking things up
Tribal fires blaze around us
Sparks rise to join the stars
Faces obscured with paint
Trappings of battle covering our bodies
Intricate motions in time to the steady beat
Mesmerizing, beautiful.
Breath taken away
We’ll take your breath away
We are strong
We are warriors
Won’t be stopped
Many will stand to join.
Few will stand with us.
Fewer still will have what it takes
To survive the night.
Behind our lifted masks
Behind the pins and needles
Behind the tatters and broken glass
Lies our truth.
You see,
We are fragile
Delicate
Pure
This is part of who we are.
Cohorts
Fashionistas
We’ll take your breath away.
73926
Rain soaks the streets
Pollution sky looks down
Sheds tears at what is seen.
Gentle hum of the motor
Steady tap of rain on sheet metal
Looking up at the diffused light
On this high-contrast day
Leap from safety into the damp
Into a lake
Turn towards the cab
A burst of color in this grey, grey world
Soon swallowed in the distance
Running for the safety of indoors
Up the stairs.
Turn left.
There’s the door.
Inside now.
Home.
Floating to the top of the bowl
Pounding heartbeat growing fainter in my ears
Time slows to a stop in the fading light
No control over
Motions
Emotions
Actions
Yours or mine
Shock like morphine
Can’t feel the pain but it’s there
Flying under the radar for now.
I want a reaction.
I want tears down my face,
My soul in flames,
Put my heart in the blender and call it a day.
I don’t want to be this island.
Don’t isolate me here.
You won’t be the first,
You won’t be the last
But don’t be the one now
I can’t handle that.
I want you to talk to me.
Remember what you said.
I want you to smile again.
Forget what I said.
Was I too much trouble?
Well I’m sorry.
I thought you cared more than that.
(If you don’t, tell me.)
I thought you were smarter than that.
(If you aren’t, I want to know.)
I thought you were telling the truth.
(If you weren’t, say something.)
Don’t feel like you’re the only one
Who aches for someone’s arms
(holding you tight)
Who wants to be loved so damn bad
(my eyes get sheltered by the lids)
Who misses being kissed
(we touch lips as I wake up)
Be someone’s hero.
You might as well be mine.
00728
In the middle of this vast sea of humanity
I am more alone than I have ever been before
Pushed along by the crowd’s ebb and flow
Staring blankly at no one in particular
But everyone at once.
Then, there are two in my universe
I turn and there you are
Waiting for me
Me…
The stars have aligned
My mind shuts down and I run
Waves of happiness as you speak into my neck,
The sounds vibrating from your head to mine.
I breathe your sweet scent
I am complete.
Suddenly
You’re saying something
I’m not saying anything
But that’s only because I can’t hear you.
Then you smile as you turn to leave,
You reach out and touch my arm
And you’re gone.
Wait, there was so much I had to say!
So much…
But I would never say what I really wanted to
Even if I could have thought of it.
Everything would be ruined then.
The moment is over now, a flash in the pan.
At least I know this will not be the end.
1337
Breaking out
Getting free
Finding out
What it is to be me
Done playing games
No more drowning in the sea
Nothing’s gonna be the same
What’s it mean to be me?
Can’t hold me back
Don’t even bother trying
Getting this life back on track
So over all my crying
I won’t be making more amends.
Do I know you?
Do you want us to be friends?
Yeah, I do too.
Left my baggage at the train
I’m not going back to get it
Arms outstretched, running in the rain
Happy and free from all that shit.
Kissing it all goodbye
Kissing it all goodbye
Kissing
It
All
Goodbye.
68983
Ready to fight
Weapons loaded
Shaking things up
Tribal fires blaze around us
Sparks rise to join the stars
Faces obscured with paint
Trappings of battle covering our bodies
Intricate motions in time to the steady beat
Mesmerizing, beautiful.
Breath taken away
We’ll take your breath away
We are strong
We are warriors
Won’t be stopped
Many will stand to join.
Few will stand with us.
Fewer still will have what it takes
To survive the night.
Behind our lifted masks
Behind the pins and needles
Behind the tatters and broken glass
Lies our truth.
You see,
We are fragile
Delicate
Pure
This is part of who we are.
Cohorts
Fashionistas
We’ll take your breath away.
73926
Rain soaks the streets
Pollution sky looks down
Sheds tears at what is seen.
Gentle hum of the motor
Steady tap of rain on sheet metal
Looking up at the diffused light
On this high-contrast day
Leap from safety into the damp
Into a lake
Turn towards the cab
A burst of color in this grey, grey world
Soon swallowed in the distance
Running for the safety of indoors
Up the stairs.
Turn left.
There’s the door.
Inside now.
Home.
Sunday, June 03, 2007
you don't need all the things they promised to you
Hey.
Busy day.
I had work all morning. There really wasn’t anyone to talk to, just this one old lady who thought it would be cool to tell me what to do. Not. But I got out at noon, then had to book it over to Bac-Bac. Got to sing for that which went well, so I’m told. It was all nice and echo-y in the church, so it was fun. Then Alex and I went over to Josh’s graduation party…
Which depressed me because… ohhh I don’t know. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it just really seems like he doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore. I’m going to just talk to him and see what he wants to do, if anything. It’s annoying because everyone else is so annoyed by him. But he’s really a good kid. I don’t know… my head feels like it’s bleeding.
Then after the party Alex and I went to Dunkin’ Donuts and hung out just talking for like an hour and a half. It was really fun and we’re gonna go again tomorrow.
I just really feel like complaining right now, but my head feels so fuzzy that I can’t even think straight. I neeed sooooo muuuucch sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppp.
I just really miss hanging out with Josh… I don’t really know if he feels the same way. Frusturating. I wrote him on myspace, but he never writes back. Ever.
I have things to do. Goodnight.
*long sigh*
Busy day.
I had work all morning. There really wasn’t anyone to talk to, just this one old lady who thought it would be cool to tell me what to do. Not. But I got out at noon, then had to book it over to Bac-Bac. Got to sing for that which went well, so I’m told. It was all nice and echo-y in the church, so it was fun. Then Alex and I went over to Josh’s graduation party…
Which depressed me because… ohhh I don’t know. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it just really seems like he doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore. I’m going to just talk to him and see what he wants to do, if anything. It’s annoying because everyone else is so annoyed by him. But he’s really a good kid. I don’t know… my head feels like it’s bleeding.
Then after the party Alex and I went to Dunkin’ Donuts and hung out just talking for like an hour and a half. It was really fun and we’re gonna go again tomorrow.
I just really feel like complaining right now, but my head feels so fuzzy that I can’t even think straight. I neeed sooooo muuuucch sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppp.
I just really miss hanging out with Josh… I don’t really know if he feels the same way. Frusturating. I wrote him on myspace, but he never writes back. Ever.
I have things to do. Goodnight.
*long sigh*
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