I'll cut your little heart out coz you made me cry... part deux

Well.... I freaked out for no reason.

AS. USUAL.

Oh man, I feel like a wilted flower right now.

Something is really wrong with me for overreacting so badly.

Not that I got all that into what he did last night, but honestly... if he's not going to tell me I'd rather just not know. And I know that sounds terrible... it IS terrible... but... I just don't know what else to do.

Why do I distrust him so much when there hasn't been a reason to? Because things have been going so well?

I don't know. I just need to stop thinking about it.

Whatever. I love him. The end.

I'll cut your little heart out coz you made me cry

SO! First post in a while. Life has apparently been too good untill now.

Yea so I know I'm probably overreacting... majorly overreacting, but I'm just going to indulge myself for a few.

MMAAAAANNNN!!!

yea so this evening has been utter crap from beginning to end.

Got all dressed up to go to the fucking VM Christmas party.... and it was so totally awkward, like... words cannot describe how wierd it was. I really don't want to talk about it. Just know that... oh it makes me want to shower with sand.

Went to that instead of going with Donnie to a metal concert.... and now I'm really wishing I'd done that because I talked to him like... a couple hours ago and he's like "I'm not coming back tonight I don't think." and like the FUCKING IDIOT THAT I AM I was just like "whatever."


OOOOOOOHHHH I SHOULD HAVE REEEEAAAMMMED HIM OUUUUT!!!!!

I KNOW he's going to go to that DIPSHIT friend of his' house and drink or something. I JUST KNOW IT.

Really, what else could "i'm not coming back tonight" mean?

Either that or he found some girl... gonna try and not even go that direction.

Meanwhile here I am thinking very very hard about possibly giving it up to him. I mean really, can I be ok with a person who is ok with drinking even though he KNOWS how I feel about it and wishing he was still in fucking HIGH SCHOOL?????????? OH MYYYYYYYYYYYFFFUCK.

Big overreaction, I know.

I"M JUST SOOOO FUCKING ANGRY AND I CAN"T SCREAM ABOUT IT!!!!!!! I HATE IT HEREEERRRREEEE!!!!

But of course as soon as I sit down and start watching The Holiday, I'm wishing so much that he was there with me and thinking about how much I love him and all that BULLSHIT while everyone in the movie all calmly get drunk drunk drunk and have sex sex sex with random people....... so I'm thinking "Hey, maybe I shouldn't get so upset at him."

I HATE THE WORLD ET AL!!!!!!!

hahah I read over everything I just wrote and it sounds really psycho. But seriously, I am exactly this mad right now.

I"M SUPPOSED TO BE MAKING HIM FUCKING PANCAKES IN THE MORNING!!! AND THIS IS WHAT HE GOES AND DOES??????????? FUUCK ME!!!

I wonder if this means I'm getting my period.... OK and that's another thing!

Why is it if I get angry it instantly has to mean my period? Why can't I just be really pissed off without hormones being at the root of it? WHY????

Ok, deep breath. I really wish it weren't 1:30 in the morning right now... I'd call my mom.

So! Why am I so angry?
Because I sort of haven't really seen Donnie all day and I'm afriaid he's out drinking; something I really don't want him getting in the habit of doing (again).
What's wrong with drinking?
What's NOT wrong with it?? Shit, there is no reason to drink... EVER. As far as I'm concerned, drinking is just as bad as smoking and if he can't deal with that then... we have problems.


I just.... I just want Donnie to be good so badly. That's why I'm here, to meet good people. I'm so afraid he's not good. I've put so much of myself out there and I've never really gotten messed up you know? I don't want this to be the first time. hahah I can hear him saying "I'm good! Love me!" in that little whiney voice he uses when he's trying to be cute. Somtimes I feel like I don't have a hold on him and it's scary, really scary.

My head really does just go and go and go... I have no idea if any of this is true.

I'm so tempted to text him right now... but I really can't put myself through that. I just need to sleep.

No man is gonna fuck me over like Dad did to Mum. NO MAN!!! I think that's why I get so defensive if something doesn't go right. Lord, I don't know. This blows and I'm freezing.

Fuck him, I'm not wasting my time worrying about this. He's fucking me over right fucking now by keeping me up.

people call us renegade, coz we like living crazy

well I guess one could say I'm on summer break... but I don't. I'm moved into the new apt. It's really nice and I like the people and everything and the cat hasn't been bothering my allergies that much, so at least that end of it's ok.


But... to be completely honest... I hate it here. I miss my family so much and Sarah seems a lot different/annoying and I wanna see Donnie and I've been sick for the past week (I thought I had Swine flu for a while. Turns out it's some kind of sinus infection which I'm hopefully almost over. I'd better be almost over it. I hate NyQuil.) I'm just really worried that home is going to be a major disappointment. We've moved into an "apartment" of sorts attached to nana and papa's garage. It's really tiny and has one window.


otriegtrjegjklfdjgklfdjgiorejgtrijgklfdjidsjfio rar. I just want to run awayway.


ugh I should cheer up. I'm going to Josh's graduation next weekend and Donnie's sister's graduation the next. My aunt graciously paid for me to fly to VA instead of me driving the 8 hours alone. I'm sure hearing that that was my plan was all it took for her. I'm glad I have her watching out for me.


Do you know what I just did though?? I was in a praize band for this really liberal church up the road (well really liberal by Maine standards) It was fun but would have been more fun if I hadn't been coughing up bodyparts through the whole thing. I got to sing a song solo though and was able to hold out for that. So... yay for (sort of) fulfilling my dream of being in a band!!!!..............!!!!!!!!


Work's going okish. I always sort of thought of work more as a function of school and not so much a "job" but now that I'm not only doing veggiemeat but grocery too and working 9-hour days sometimes..... it's def. a job. I mean it's easy enough work but.... again, I hate it here right now.
My dad's been in California for the past week I think? I'm glad he's out there hanging with his cousins, he needs support. If I were him I think I might move out there. But then I imagined the scenario of me going to visit him there with everyone thinking that I'm some crazy bible thumpin'....... person who doesn't love Dad coz I won't renounce religion for him and them just scrutinizing the crap out of me. Not that his family doesn't already do that... hahah. It shouldn't matter either. And it doesn't. And he'd never do that anyway.


I do like california though... sort of.


AAAHHHHH Sarah is kinda getting on my nerves today. She's all talking about some guy who was like playing with her hair or some crap and going on and on like I should be impressed by her prowess with boys or some shit. Uggs I should just shut up about that. Really, it's just the same old story. I hate how it's always so one-uppy with us. I mean, most of the time we're cool but then she gets all pompus like she's better than me or something. I was also kinda put off that she didn't go to my singing thing today for moral support. I know I totally would have gone if she were doing something like that. I guess that's the difference between us.


I just reallyreallyreallyreally want to go home.
Reallyreallyreallyrealllyrealllllyyyyyyyyyyy.


I miss the hell out of donnie. He didn't call last night which is making me kinda sad, but it's ok. I really want to tell him about my plane tickets! He doesn't know yet! eeek! I hope he can pick me up at the airport, that might be kind of an issue.


Whhheeeeelllll, I think I'm going to try to call mum and then take a nap. I was going to go out this afternoon, but... bed is just so tempting.


Later <3

you suddenly complete me, you suddenly complete me

I can't freakin' believe it!!

One more day of finals and I'm done! WOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOOO!!! AAAGGG I am so done with school! For now anyway...

Unfortunately I'm sticking around here for another month to work with the lovely and talented VM people. Score!.........not. Well, it means about twelve hundred dollars more than I had before and that's easily like... three times what I made last summer. In a month. So I figure it will be worth it.

I'm staying in a room with Sarah in an apartment with a bunch of other girls who seem pretty cool so far. I think it's gonna be a good time. No curfew, total freedom, sleeping in..... it's gonna be awesome.

Although I'm gonna miss the living daylights out of a certain someone...

I think I've come to accept the level of attachment I have for Donnie finally. I figure the whole point of having a relationship is to be at least somewhat attached to the other person. I hate that I have to try and justify my feelings all the time. That seems like what I've been doing from day one; trying to justify feelings. Or dismiss seemingly unjustified feelings.

I think WAY too much. I believe that is the general consensus of this whole blog.

Anyway, we'll hopefully get to hang out at least a few times this summer. And I'm planning on getting a higher quality webcam too. One with a speaker and one that I don't have to tape to the computer. I want to go visit his family and stuff too at some point. I guess Chris wants me to go to Massachusetts to play music with him and whoever else he can get to be a part of this band apparatus, so maybe I can visit Donnie at the same time.

Mum's all like "Does Chris really not have feelings for you anymore?" I figure it doesn't matter, coz I certainly don't. Ahhhh whatever.

It's really quite hard to come up with blog material when I'm not in a bad mood. I've come to the conclusion that I only write when I'm angsty. hahaha. whatever, its not like anyone actually reads this crap anway.

Donnie's been in kind of a bad mood lately and it makes me sad, especially since these are our last days together before summer starts. He's got really bad allergies and things have been quite off-kilter with his family, so I can't blame him. I hate it when I can't help people feel better, especially him.

I haven't packed a thing.... AKKKKK!!

<3

you afraid to break some bones?

HOKAYY!!

Well... Spring break is pretty much le suck atm.

Dad pretty much bullied me into watching Relidulous. Biggest load of shit I ever saw. If it had been on the news, it would have been news product, like the stupid news type shows on Fox where the newscaster just kind of talks over everyone he's interviewing. Such close-minded shit. And then they interview people who are either a.) truckers, b.) complete whack-jobs or c.) very intelligent people who get their interview sliced in all the right ways, just so it will sound like the right point is being made.

And what makes me even more upset is the fact that he thinks he's trying to have a relationship with us. Like forcing us to watch something that shits all over what we believe in is going to gain him respect/love/brownie points etc.

He doesn't want to be loved. He just wants to be right.

Well he's wrong. SO FUCKING WRONG!

I wish he could see it. I wish he could put himself aside for a second and love me. Not even me, I don't care at this point (really), just love Celeste. She broke out in a rash after he started yelling. If he gave a rat's ass about her he'd be nicer about it.

WHERE IS HIS HUMAN COMPASSION THAT HE'S ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT? I'm convinced he doesn't have any.

Also, heh, I recently found out he had an affair like... a zillion years ago. He started going to church as a sort of pennance. Mum is a much bigger woman than I, as I probably would have left his sorry ass, kids and all.

I really have done far too much swearing in this blog. I'm just so angry! And of course was unable to say any of this to dad because I could kind of sense he just needed to air his thoughts... again. I'm just trying to show him I'm not against him but really he can't keep downing my beliefs all the time. I won't be trod upon.

Like mum.

I shouldn't say that.

I miss Donnie. I'm kind of worried about how much I miss him. Like I should be a little more laid back about it, but he misses me too. And that worries me. It worries me that we are both so into each other so soon. (creeping up on four months... in a month).

He feels like we're meant to be. I don't get any feelings to the contrary really, so maybe we are. I just don't know if I've seen enough sides to him to really know for sure that he's... the ONE. Uggnuggets. I hate that word and everything it stands for. And I don't know why.

I wish I knew what I'm looking for. But I don't.

And I'm all out of complaints. Good night

<3