if all your love was wasted, well then who the hell was I?

Ohhhh jeez.

12:30. Just sitting here, listening to.... Anna Nalick, which should really say everything. That's pretty much all I listened to during the Mike mishap. Sooo... emo. Hardcore.

I am kind of worried. I feel like I might be getting a tad too attached to... someone. And that is SOO not the plan. Because essentially, there is no plan. And I have to be happy with that. I am happy with that. I just can't keep from getting all anxious when I don't talk to him for a while. And when it's harder and harder to keep up a conversation. I hate when that happens. I don't want to force anything, but I don't want everything to just kind of fade away.

It won't. I think that time of the month is fast approaching. That's basically the only answer I have for this mood that's kind of been hovering for the past couple days. That and probably Josh's visit.

Dammit! She was cool! Like, not SUPER cool, but a lot cooler than I expected. And I mean I'm glad in a way that Josh isn't attracted to a not-cool person. But you wanna know what sucks? Hard?

HE FUCKING KNOWS. That was definitely not supposed to EVER happen.

Of course I don't know how I thought he wouldn't find out, what with me telling Sarah who told his parents (hahah Debbie was all for it. She thought I should have told him.) I guess Patrick mentioned something to him and Josh just kind of deduced for himself. And Sarah verified of course.

Tragic really. Really.

I mean I don't really know what it was I expected. I mean seriously, if he did have feelings left for me, he's not going to dump his girlfriend of like, what, three years? I think I gave him way too much of a cold shoulder back when he did like me for there to be anything left now. Whatever. If it's meant to be, it'll happen. Maybe she IS the one for him, I don't freakin' know.

Another thing I don't freakin' know is why I'm up still. I had such a crazy day today! Thursdays are always busy, but today was just nonstop GO. Every second I wasn't eating or in class I was doing work that.... well probably should have been done already. But everything got finished and turned in on time, and I made it to an EXTRA convo AND a worship. I even led out in an impromptu song service at Bible Boot Camp! (aka worship) Then went to Taco Bell. Then just some chill time. And now I'm up bitching to my blog when I should be asleep. I am actually really tired, but I sort of wanted to talk to Donnie before bed. UGH! I hate this!! I always thought I'd like having someone like Donnie in my life... like a weird sort of pseudo boyfriend. I think if I had more of them then it wouldn't be quite so odd. But... I don't really. Unless you count Justin, and we don't hang out nearly enough for him to count. I don't know how Donnie is a pseudo boyfriend actually. Maybe it's coz... yea I guess we aren't.

I guess I'm just having a hard time dealing. I mean I'm not, but I am. Like if we don't talk for a while... like now.... I get all antsy. That's bad. That's the whole reason I'm not dating.

Well, this is bullshit. I'm going to sleep. I am SO not staying up until 2:30 to talk to this kid. Freakin'.... bad for my complexion.

I'm sick of all this boy angst I have. Why can't they just do what I want them to do??? WHY CAN'T I CALM DOWN!!!???

Yay for rhetoric.

Things'll be great when you're Downtown!

HAPPY 100th POST!! WOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!

hahah. That only took three years.

Well good day so far.

Jeez it felt all like I had all these options for stuff to do tonight, but it's starting to feel more and more like I don't. Everybody is doing things on Sabbath that I don't want to do and it makes it awkward for me and it's pretty depressing too. Coz Donnie was all "We're going into town, you can come if you want" And I thought he meant tonight but he ended up leaving at three or something while I was mid-nap. Then Justin from drawing class called and asked me if I wanted to go to the art museum with people (probably freshman) today or tomorrow and I said I could do it tomorrow after work (eeek! I hope I have time to do my flyerrrr!!) Then Donnie called and asked me if I wanted to go shopping er whatever and I have no idea how long he's going to be gone for. Hopefully not all night coz there may or may not be a movie at poplar 7. And if not, I'm don't know if I wanna go contra dancing, so hopefully Donnie's around to do something with. I'd kinda like to go see a movie, but I'm def. not going alone. And Other Sarah is gone this weekend, so... yea. But I don't know if she'd want to go or not anymore. Meh.

So you can kinda see why I'm feeling like I don't have options even though I do. Rar. Whatever. I should probably just stay home and do homework. IRJEOITJEUSEIJRIEJT*$(%)U#()IOEWU$*()HEFNIODTH$ no. I don't wanna waste Saturday night like that. It's bad enough that Sundays are more or less down the drain.

Got a cute little silk dress yesterday at Fossil. Very Atonement looking. I need to have a Victoria's Secret spree here soon. My underwears situation is feeling kind of abysmal. I'm needing to do laundry a lot more often than I ususally do. I should probably just go to walmart and buy some filler underware. But.... ehh I'll just wait till Sharon sends me a care package. I think she said something about a vickie's gift certificate. I secretly want a pair of those blinged out sweatpants they have there. I don't have many things that scream "Material Girl" so maybe one......

oh shoot. Jen is having a meltdown. uh ohs.

well I guess she's ok... I wish she wouldn't make friends with shallow people. It's kind of unhealthy for her I think.

So anyway. I've changed my stance on the Ralph... er Lauren... issue. I really need to be fair with her, and I certainly haven't been. I think in order for Josh not to completely hate me, and ultimately so that I can be ok with myself, I need to be accepting of her and at least attempt to get to know her. Because if they ARE meant to be, then... yea I dunno.

At any rate, they're coming up to stay at Southern in two weekends, so... I'm really excited to see Josh anyway. That'll be cool. I've been having withdrawls kinda haha.

RAAAR I wish I knew what the crap's going on tonight. I want to start making plaaaans. I feel weird calling Sarah again. I just called her an hour ago to find out what she's doing and she's like "Well there's talk of watching the movie. And there's talk of contra dancing. And then there's talk of doing something else." And I'm just like..... shoot me now.

Whatever. Maybe I AM supposed to stick around and do homework. *sigh* How lame.

<3

but I turn him on, and he comes to life, automatic joy

SO, just as I suspected, my next post is from school!

And I should be writing a paper right now!

But I'm not!

Alright!

Just had an interesting convo with my friend Donnie. We've kind of been hanging out lately, and it's not that I like him or anything, he's just good guy friend material. And I really like hanging out with him. Anyways, tonight he's all "Where are we in your head?" And of course I said "well I guess we're just friends right?" And he seemed all relieved and stuff, so I guess I didn't go and mess something up.

But I can't really shake this feeling that because I don't like him and he may or may not like me, that there's no reason for him to hang out with me anymore. I know it's stupid and (hopefully) untrue, but I just really really really want things to keep going the way they are. I'm worried that if he did like me (which hopefully he didn't) and now he knows I don't like him that way that I won't really matter anymore. Sort of an "on to the next thing" situation. I guess I'll have to save the next awkward convo for tomorrow, coz Michael might be in his room. Uh ohs. He's been kinda... ugh idk, I'm sure I'm being just as weird to him as he is to me, so.... moot point there.

I just have so few actual friends here that I really want to keep the ones I do have. And it's nice having a guy friend that Jennifer isn't a third wheel party to. Not that I minded that, it's just... nice not to have to not mind that.

In other news...

So Sarah and I are trying to find a time to go to North Carolina to visit Josh. Sarah had a rather long text fest with Ralph in an effort to get in touch with Josh. Sarah mentioned to her something about how we were planning to go visit and Ralph promptly gave her Josh's itinerary for the next.... month and a half basically. He seems pretty booked up, according to her anyway (I have this horrible craving for ricotta cheese all of a sudden. RAR I hate the 1:00 munchies.) But probably before we get a chance to go down there, Josh will be up here to visit for View Southern, at which time, Sarah and I are hopefully going to steal him away for a night out in Chattanooga. Which will be AWESOME! I'm reallyreallyreally hoping he doesn't beg to bring Ralph along because surely I will ralph if she comes. I'm sort of anxious to see how he acts around her. Haven't really gotten to witness that yet.

Oh and I guess it's all a go for her whole family to go visit the cotes during mid-semester break for A WHOLE WEEK! That seems incredibly rude to me. However, it may or may not be the turning point (for the worst hopefully) in their relationship. Jen has promised to give me full details of the visit (She is NOT AT ALL looking forward to seeing Ralph. As none of us really are.)

I feel kind of like a huge butt for saying all these bad things about her if indeed she and he are supposed to work out. But to be quite honest, I hope things don't and I'm wondering more and more if it might not be a bad idea for me to at some point tell him how I really feel. I keep wondering if maybe that's why he's still with her. I dunno.

I am in need of some retail therapy. I need a trip to Vickie's. I'm really hoping that Sharon sends me a giftcard and soon.

But now... my head feels like exploding, so I should go to bed.

I hope everything works out... man I am so angst-ridden.