if I'm honest you come to mind, but baby I'm not

Internship started... well sort of. Trying to get going on things as much as possible on my own, since the formal beginning of things doesn't seem to start untill more things fall into place. Whatever, even I'M confused about what's going on.

Dad read the article I wrote for Columns about the divorce. I feel bad mostly because I haven't really seen him since I got home. I tried to make a time to hang out when he called the first time and he was just like "I have to go to work." Then he called a second time and just talked to mum about the bill. He's using the article as an excuse to not send Celeste to a Christian school. As usual, she gets screwed over by him. Hopefully, this will pass, but... who knows?

Talked to Donnie for the first time in a (comparative) while today. He's like "How are you doing, are you over me yet?" I had no idea what to tell him so I just said "I don't know, I'm not thinking too hard about anything lately." Which is true. I really am trying to be on vacation from.... general boy-related angst.

It's not easy, let me tell you.

But then I thought about it after and... honestly, I don't feel very much at all. I (REALLYREALLY) miss being kissed and other general boy closeness-es, but as far as anything else is concerned, I'm pretty much set. The difference is I'm not around him. If I were, I might feel differently (or maybe just more swayed by my physical wants.)

Which sort of leads me to believe that I broke up with him for Ben, but I know that's not true. Technically, I know Donnie and I were fairly well-matched, but I feel like things just weren't clicking enough for me. And I'm not MARRIED to him or anything, so better now than later.

Sweet genius though, I would KILL for a good kiss right now. It's even invading my dreams.

Wonder when I'll see Ben again. Soon I hope.

I really hope nobody reads this... I could probably just make it all private somehow, but I get kind of a rush out of thinking who might read this idiotic, self-centered crap that I write just to feel better. And I do feel better after. More like crap than I thought... A verbal toilet.

dang, now I can't stop worrying if someone is ACTUALLY going to see this... ugg I'll try writing later.

UPDATE: I just found out that it would be near impossible for anyone who knows me to find this. It would require them googling my name and going to probably the fourth page of results. That takes you to the one post where I mention my full name... oops. Anybody who cares enough to go to the fourth page of results probably deserves to know all my innermost goings-on.

let this be our little secret, no one needs to know we're feeling (higher and higher and higher)

Hahahah I just got done reading the last two posts and.... yeah I ended it with Donnie. Quite a while after that incident, but yeah, we are no longer an I-tem.

The line that really kills me is "Whatever. I love him. The end."

I can't believe I was ok with that for so long. All that emotional trauma he unconciously put me through and I kinda just let it all slide. I wish I could have explained to him all the pain things like that caused me. I think the root of it all was just how I had no idea what his life was like before he met me. I had no idea what he was capable of, so I guess I just assumed the worst.

Anyway, our breakup took TWO WEEKS. Yeah, not even kidding. So, so horrible. I more or less stopped eating for a long time. Because that's what I do when I'm nervous. I even threw up once. You didn't need to know that.

But now! Now I am free! For so long we'd had everything planned out... our life, where we'd live, everything. All of that's over now and anything is possible. I am at once terrified and thrilled. It's a feeling I hope I can hold on to for the rest of my life.

Yah, so there's a new boy in town. Fast, I know. I can't for the life of me figure him out and it's really frusturating. I feel super lame even talking about it, just because....... I don't know, it's really really platonic, but he's SO COOL and he's really got his head together and we spent like almost an entire afternoon looking through Ripley's Believe It Or Not book. Which I'm really afraid bored the shit out of him. He's just so dang polite that I don't know if he'd say anything even if he was bored. Ahhhh man... But anyway, some serious potential there. I hope...

So there's thaaaat....

Waiting for my internship to start. Got like... a week and change till things get going. I'm gonna look so good though, I've got mad professional clothes up in here! WOOOOHOOO!!!! I'd never ever have thought that that idea would make me go woohooo. I think I'm realizing that you CAN indeed dress for sucsess and still maintain your identity. Exciting thoughts those.

Yep, guess it's back to regular blogging now.... yaaaaayyy.

kisses.