I'd turn some records with you. If you asked me to.

Man.

I've got like... eighth grade, I-love-all-dem-boys syndrome.

It changes... WEEKLY. What the crap!

Also, I've pretty much lost the ability to do anything productive. I mean I'll study tonight, but after that... it's all downhill. Rough.

BREAK! TAKE ME AWAYYYY!!!

:(

It feels as though boy-chasing is pretty much an exercise in futility at this point since I'm gone in t-67 days. Possibly never to return. I mean things could happen I suppose, but the chances are not good. (HOWEVER... if things go as planned... I might be seeing him four days a week instead of three!... yeah, this needs to stop).

But let's face it, none of this is going to keep me from trying. Not these facts, not past experience... yeah not much. But we can hope. That nothing bad happens.

What good is a heart if not for breaking?

I just really... REALLY have to give this to God because... I don't know what's good for me, I really don't. I have a hard enough time getting adequate nutrition and exercising. And remembering to wash my face before I go to bed and... being professional in general.

I'M STILL A CHILD!! I'M A WOMAN-CHILD!!! WHAT IS THIS?!?!

How did I miss this? How did I forget to grow up?

I really just... I really want to tell him. Honestly, what have I got to lose?

Gaaaah I can't do that. I really need to not make things weirder than they already may be.

FRICK!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Maybe we will never know.

If I find her I swear, I swear I'll kill her.

Well, another one bites the dust...

At least for now.

Talked to dude last night and he was all telling me about how he asked some chick for her number so they could go get coffee sometime... What the hell! Who does that? And by that I mean tell me about some other girl?

Well anyway, yeah that ended before it even started.

But I can't feel like that though, because I mean... there was nothing there to begin with. Really.

I was talking to Celeste tonight, and it's always been sort of the plan to go live with her when she goes to college. We'd get an apartment together and she'd go to school and I'd work and we'd just be a happy family etc. etc.

But this really doesn't leave me much room for a boy... I mean it could, but all I feel like I can see is just miles and miles of man-free road straight, dead ahead. And it's friggin' depressing.

Why does it feel like nothing good works out? Blarg.

There are so many little pieces that have to fit together JUUUST right (or at least right enough so that nobody cares about the parts that don't fit) for two people to be together.

I am really not happy today... This has been a really not happy day.

I am going to start exercising as of tomorrow. I have got to boost my morale somehow. AND STOP FUCKING WORRYING ABOUT BOYS. FUCK! It's so stupid!

MY HAPPINESS SHOULD NOT HINGE ON ME FINDING SOMEONE TO MARRY SLASH DATE.

I don't have time for this bullshit.

WOMAN POWER! HUZZAH!

whatever.

she said 'smoke your cigarette, I hope you choke'

First semester is DONE son!

Man I can hardly believe it.

So much has changed... it's been pretty fantastic actually.

Thinking about it now of course, not at the time.

Finally have Ben out of my system I think. Whatever's left is basically just smoldering embers of anger. At myself mostly.

I say that, I don't know how much I actually mean it.

School is swallowing me whole at the moment. 22 credit hours to finish and with God as my witness, I'M GOING TO DO IT!!!

This week has been pure merde. I am so exhausted right now... My own fault though, I keep staying up late to talk to Ehren online. I have GOT to get more sleep, it's really rather ridiculous. I'm hoping next week is more of a success (granted this has been our first full week of the semester, so hopefully I'll adjust soon.

I am doing a wonderful thing. I am doing a wonderful thing. I am doing a wonderful thing.

I've been writing music. Now just need to find a good way to record it and I'll be set. Hah. I really wish my computer came with a microphone. FAIL. Whatever.

Well as we all know, I'm not here to talk about school angst. I'm here coz I have BOY ISSUES!!!

Let the games begin.

Yeah... Some things I've realized (I would get things straightened out senior year. Faaaaail):

1.) It's a lot easier to get boys (at least the ones 'round these parts) to talk to you than I once thought. Really all you have to do is approach them first. I added this guy on Facebook and now we're pretty much Law & Ethics buddies. I asked this other guy on my NYC field trip (SUCH A GOOD TIME!!! Pretty much a mini renaissance for me) to go find food with me and now he's shooting me for a CD album project. Unfortunately, these aren't really guys I'm like SOOOPER interested in, but hey, I've got friends now. Friends who are boys. Woot.

2.) There are parts of life that are def. better without a boyfriend, however, the opposite is also true. GARGABLAAAARG.

3.) I think... even though I have some misgivings about this thought... that I need to not give my heart away so easily. Not that I have or did or anything, but I just... need to keep an eye on that... for sanity's sake. Even after... stuff, I still feel really ready to throw all of myself into someone again. Part of me is glad about that and part of me feels a little afraid

I know God's got a plan for me in the man department. There's a man in the plan... hahahaha.

Well... there better be anyway.

So basically... new boy on the scene...

Yeah, no way you didn't see that coming.

But, as fate would have it, he lives like ten hours away from here.

Friggin' typical, I tell ya.

But it's cool though, we text just about every day (well since Monday) and I mean it's not like groundbreaking stuff, just like "How was your day?" whatever. But it makes me happy. And maybe if I keep up, something cool will happen.

Well, maybe I'll talk about it more later, I need to do work now.

later, chickens.

Stand in the puddles of the disco ball's glow... come on, be the one, come on, be the one

Wooowww...

One month in and it feels like I just got here. And also like I've been here forever.

Steeping myself in academia. Which is not terribly fun, but it's basically a necessity at this point.

I have been making friends though. That always feels good. And they're girls too! Which waaayy uncomplicates things. Good, good. Plus they're girls who don't make me want to punch myself in the face (as most girls are wont to make me do)... Well most of them don't anyway. At least not yet.

I should be studying right now... big persuasion & propaganda test Monday. Buuut, I'm thinking not much is going to stick anyway, seeing that it's 2 in the morning. I'm basically only awake because of the caffeine. Bad call.

Keep running into Donnie... that's not much fun. I would say hi to him when I see him but idk if that is 1.) something he wants me to be doing or 2.) something that is smart to do, given the situation. Honestly, I don't even know what the situation is at this point, probably it's just fizzled into nothingness. Which would be fine.

Amazing actually.

Still keeping in touch with Ben kindasorta. Last time I called him he was like "Feel free to call me whenever." I would call him more often except it takes about a week to work up enough stuff to keep a conversation going for a substantial period and also, I don't want to be the one calling him all the time (granted, I've only called him once since I got here). I guess MOST of me wouldn't mind, but some of me is like... that's your job, son. I need proof that you are capable of not forgetting me.

aaauuugghghh I SOO want to know whether or not I'm being led on. Because that's what it feels like right now. Like I'm going to go home after graduating and he'll be all "Oh hey! We're just friends I thought! Isn't that great?! Big friendly family!"

Mother of mercy, if that's what ends up happening I may need to kill him.

It's like I need a status update on how he's feeling about me. Honestly, right now it's irrelevant whether or not he likes me. Because that could change at any time. Clearly it's not about to change for me though. And I mean if he can go without dating a girl for 2+ years, then there's a good chance of me being an option still in a couple o months.

At some point though, I'm going to need some definite answers. I can wait until Christmas, but after that... I'ma need to know where we stand. I may even need to lay down some smack.

I could lay down some serious smack right now.

This whole situation has been pretty poisonous for me. I wish I'd known what was going to happen earlier. I don't think it would have stopped me from dating him, maybe just made me prepare myself for it in advance. Although I don't think that would have made the summer very much fun.

THE SUMMER IS NOT ENOUGH. I WANT MORE. I WILL HAVE MORE. I WILL HAVE MORE IF IT KILLS ME.

A lot has changed in this month though. Well, I say that, but I don't know how much I believe it. I feel like I've let go of a lot more... less obsessed, although obviously still pretty obsessed.

I really wish I could shake that. I think it'd be a service to all involved.

I also really wish our conversations could be not 90% smalltalk and 10% awkward silence. Yeah, that'd be really cool.

I have noticed though, that if I am in a good mood when I talk to him, I feel better about the conversation overall. I know I've talked to him and been in a very forlorn state of mind and just felt like the conversation went really poorly. But last time we talked it was only for 20ish min. but I felt really good about it. Which is good because usually I base the quality of the conversation on how long it was... which is stupid because it's def about quality and not quantity.

Def.

Anyways, if I want to get up and go out to study tomorrow, I'd better get some sleep in me. Start fresh in the AM.

I'm really interested in downsizing on my possessions. My shit's a-weighin' me down. I've always wanted to be able to pack up EVERYTHING in a couple hours and go. I want to live like a nomad.

Unfortunately, I have this sick obsession with clothes... guess I better get over that quick.

I need a Ben to snuggle :( MMMMmmmmmmmmmm! :(

and then as you read my words out loud, make me sound genius

Sooo, the sweet, sweet summer of aught ten is over and I'm back in College for the LAST ROUND of student-dome.

*SIIIIIIIGHHHHHHHHHcrrrrryyyyyyyy*

So Ben and I finally ended up dating (and REALLY making out......SOOOO GOOOD!!!)

For like... two and a half months.

Going into it, I knew it would be over with the summer. I had no idea how painful it would be though. None whatsoever. Not even a HINT of how much it would suck.

It sucks.... A FREAKIN' LOT.

But I'm trying to focus on other things... like... learning to love myself and the world at large. And how to do homework.

I'm actually doing pretty well with homework.

This is the first week I've been here without him, so it's important that I keep that in mind. Everything will start to dull with time, life will get easier to live, I'll be able to focus on being an adult...or....something.

AHHHHH I FEEL SO ALONE!! I"M DYING OFCANCER!!! I"M NOT GOING TO GRADUATE!!!! I DON'T LOVE GOD OR PEOPLE IN NEED!!!! I ONLY CARE ABOUT MYSELF!!! I"VE LET MY FAMILY DOWN!!!! I"M NEVER GOING TO SURVIVE BY MYSELF IN THE REAL WORLD!!!!! IF JEN BLOWS HER NOSE ONE MORE TIME I MAY HAVE TO SHOOT HER IN THE FACEEE!!!!! NOBODY WILL EVER WANT TO MARRY ME THAT I ACTUALLY WANT TO MARRY BACK!!!

Oh man... I need some serious help.

Those are all things I'm thinking right now, but now that I've typed them out they seem really stupid.

God, please take this away from my heart... fill me with your love. Help me think clearly again.

ahh... I feel better now...

I still miss Ben though. I hope I don't stop.

I hope he's worth missing. I'm beginning to wonder.

Mum just called. I'm kind of giving her the freeze-out for a conversation we had last night about me failing Bible. ONE class out of the 8395084350934 I've taken these four years. It's not like I can fix it now. One more reason to feel like shit.

And it's really only hurting me because she's like one of the only people I have to reach out to... so it's basically adding to my loneliness. So I should probably stop holding grudges... maybe I'll call her back... yeah. kay I'm gonna go.

put down your sword and crown, come lay with me on the ground

OH....MAN, YOU GUYS.

BEST.... CAMPMEETING......EVER.

Sooo yeah, finally got that peek inside Ben's head I was hoping to get.

He likes meeee, I like hiiimmm... mad awesome untill ya throw in another year at Southern and him not wanting to stay in Maine. Buuut I'm gonna go ahead and not think about that.

Because this is in God's hands.

Anyway, we've kind of decided that we're doing the "just friends" thing even though there's clearly more to it. At least there won't be any technical strings. Pretty sure we're both really into each other.......yaayyyyyy!!!!fjdsklfjdsklfjsdYYAAAAYYY!!!

This girl from Southern I guess was kinda wanting to hang out with him the last night of campmeeting but he was just like "I don't know a better way to say this, but I'm gonna hang out with Amanda instead." Prom queen all over again... muahahaha.

Also, we're... I guess you'd call it making out. It's got all the making-outness of making out but without actual mouth on mouth kissing. Kinda like that Regina Spektor song (that time). Whatever it is... I can dig it. It's really nice because it feels so good and innocent and just... honest I guess... I don't know why I chose that word to describe it, but that's what it is.

Now I wish he would facebook me back...
{hello insanity, it's been a while! Hope you haven't missed me coz I certainly have enjoyed not missing you}

It's only a very little bit wierd that there's like zero PDA. We were holding hands during a prayer at church and he squeezed my hand at one point and my knees pretty much gave out. I'm so glad that little things like that can still get me going, because honestly, I feel like a lot of that died with my dating Donnie.

I'm trying really hard to not get too wrapped up in this whole situation, but as you can see, it's been a bit of a loosing battle. I pray about it and God takes it away, but it always ends up sneaking back in and then I check Facebook again for the millionth time. I need to focus on getting it together with God. I'm thinking about musical devotions... awesome...

Jen's been warning me about not getting too involved because of how upset I'll be at the end of the year... I'd rather spend a few nights crying my eyes out than let this thing go. Besides, it's too late for stopping anyway.

We both fit in the same sleeping bag.

I must become a lion-hearted girl, ready for a fight

Ohhh sooo happyy!!! Finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel vis a vis my internship!!! FINALLYY!!!! Oh man I was getting a lot anxious. Still not quiiiite sure when things FOR REAL get going, but at least the papers are in the hands of people and emails are sent and blah blah blah blah YAAAYYYYYY oh man.

Goodbye tons of free time. A part of me shall miss you dearly.

And part of me shall rejoice at your leaving.

Sooo, I hate that I'm paranoid to write stuff in here now... I don't know why, but I'm really afraid someone is going to read this who shouldn't be reading this and.... ohh whatever, like I said, whoever finds this probably deserves to read it. .

Massive crush on Ben is a go.

yaaaaaaaaayyyyyy.

aaaahhhh I WISH I KNEW WHAT IS GOING ON IN HIS HEAAADDD.

facepalm.

Also I seem to have a lot of like... circling vultures for lack of a better word. Is very hard to be friends without making people think about the possibility of more. Which is kind of what I'm afraid is going on in the Ben situation. Like maybe I'M a circling vulture.

OH NOOOOOOO!!!!

No good.

Well if that's the case, then I really wish he'd stop agreeing to hang out and being all excited about it and talking me into staying at campmeeting and asking me to help decorate his potential bus-dwelling and talking about SWING DANCING (!!!!!!!!!) with me sometime and being so win in general ............JFRIOERUIFJRAAARRRRRRR.

WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS IS ALL ME?? WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYYY???

I wanna sink my claws in... in a non-bitchy sort of way.... in a "please don't go!" kind of way. Wich, I know, sounds super desperate. Which is not at all what I am.

There! I'm not desperate. I just see a good thing and don't want to pass him up without a fight. Normal!

Wish I actually felt normal.