Well.... I freaked out for no reason.
AS. USUAL.
Oh man, I feel like a wilted flower right now.
Something is really wrong with me for overreacting so badly.
Not that I got all that into what he did last night, but honestly... if he's not going to tell me I'd rather just not know. And I know that sounds terrible... it IS terrible... but... I just don't know what else to do.
Why do I distrust him so much when there hasn't been a reason to? Because things have been going so well?
I don't know. I just need to stop thinking about it.
Whatever. I love him. The end.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
I'll cut your little heart out coz you made me cry
SO! First post in a while. Life has apparently been too good untill now.
Yea so I know I'm probably overreacting... majorly overreacting, but I'm just going to indulge myself for a few.
MMAAAAANNNN!!!
yea so this evening has been utter crap from beginning to end.
Got all dressed up to go to the fucking VM Christmas party.... and it was so totally awkward, like... words cannot describe how wierd it was. I really don't want to talk about it. Just know that... oh it makes me want to shower with sand.
Went to that instead of going with Donnie to a metal concert.... and now I'm really wishing I'd done that because I talked to him like... a couple hours ago and he's like "I'm not coming back tonight I don't think." and like the FUCKING IDIOT THAT I AM I was just like "whatever."
OOOOOOOHHHH I SHOULD HAVE REEEEAAAMMMED HIM OUUUUT!!!!!
I KNOW he's going to go to that DIPSHIT friend of his' house and drink or something. I JUST KNOW IT.
Really, what else could "i'm not coming back tonight" mean?
Either that or he found some girl... gonna try and not even go that direction.
Meanwhile here I am thinking very very hard about possibly giving it up to him. I mean really, can I be ok with a person who is ok with drinking even though he KNOWS how I feel about it and wishing he was still in fucking HIGH SCHOOL?????????? OH MYYYYYYYYYYYFFFUCK.
Big overreaction, I know.
I"M JUST SOOOO FUCKING ANGRY AND I CAN"T SCREAM ABOUT IT!!!!!!! I HATE IT HEREEERRRREEEE!!!!
But of course as soon as I sit down and start watching The Holiday, I'm wishing so much that he was there with me and thinking about how much I love him and all that BULLSHIT while everyone in the movie all calmly get drunk drunk drunk and have sex sex sex with random people....... so I'm thinking "Hey, maybe I shouldn't get so upset at him."
I HATE THE WORLD ET AL!!!!!!!
hahah I read over everything I just wrote and it sounds really psycho. But seriously, I am exactly this mad right now.
I"M SUPPOSED TO BE MAKING HIM FUCKING PANCAKES IN THE MORNING!!! AND THIS IS WHAT HE GOES AND DOES??????????? FUUCK ME!!!
I wonder if this means I'm getting my period.... OK and that's another thing!
Why is it if I get angry it instantly has to mean my period? Why can't I just be really pissed off without hormones being at the root of it? WHY????
Ok, deep breath. I really wish it weren't 1:30 in the morning right now... I'd call my mom.
So! Why am I so angry?
Because I sort of haven't really seen Donnie all day and I'm afriaid he's out drinking; something I really don't want him getting in the habit of doing (again).
What's wrong with drinking?
What's NOT wrong with it?? Shit, there is no reason to drink... EVER. As far as I'm concerned, drinking is just as bad as smoking and if he can't deal with that then... we have problems.
I just.... I just want Donnie to be good so badly. That's why I'm here, to meet good people. I'm so afraid he's not good. I've put so much of myself out there and I've never really gotten messed up you know? I don't want this to be the first time. hahah I can hear him saying "I'm good! Love me!" in that little whiney voice he uses when he's trying to be cute. Somtimes I feel like I don't have a hold on him and it's scary, really scary.
My head really does just go and go and go... I have no idea if any of this is true.
I'm so tempted to text him right now... but I really can't put myself through that. I just need to sleep.
No man is gonna fuck me over like Dad did to Mum. NO MAN!!! I think that's why I get so defensive if something doesn't go right. Lord, I don't know. This blows and I'm freezing.
Fuck him, I'm not wasting my time worrying about this. He's fucking me over right fucking now by keeping me up.
Yea so I know I'm probably overreacting... majorly overreacting, but I'm just going to indulge myself for a few.
MMAAAAANNNN!!!
yea so this evening has been utter crap from beginning to end.
Got all dressed up to go to the fucking VM Christmas party.... and it was so totally awkward, like... words cannot describe how wierd it was. I really don't want to talk about it. Just know that... oh it makes me want to shower with sand.
Went to that instead of going with Donnie to a metal concert.... and now I'm really wishing I'd done that because I talked to him like... a couple hours ago and he's like "I'm not coming back tonight I don't think." and like the FUCKING IDIOT THAT I AM I was just like "whatever."
OOOOOOOHHHH I SHOULD HAVE REEEEAAAMMMED HIM OUUUUT!!!!!
I KNOW he's going to go to that DIPSHIT friend of his' house and drink or something. I JUST KNOW IT.
Really, what else could "i'm not coming back tonight" mean?
Either that or he found some girl... gonna try and not even go that direction.
Meanwhile here I am thinking very very hard about possibly giving it up to him. I mean really, can I be ok with a person who is ok with drinking even though he KNOWS how I feel about it and wishing he was still in fucking HIGH SCHOOL?????????? OH MYYYYYYYYYYYFFFUCK.
Big overreaction, I know.
I"M JUST SOOOO FUCKING ANGRY AND I CAN"T SCREAM ABOUT IT!!!!!!! I HATE IT HEREEERRRREEEE!!!!
But of course as soon as I sit down and start watching The Holiday, I'm wishing so much that he was there with me and thinking about how much I love him and all that BULLSHIT while everyone in the movie all calmly get drunk drunk drunk and have sex sex sex with random people....... so I'm thinking "Hey, maybe I shouldn't get so upset at him."
I HATE THE WORLD ET AL!!!!!!!
hahah I read over everything I just wrote and it sounds really psycho. But seriously, I am exactly this mad right now.
I"M SUPPOSED TO BE MAKING HIM FUCKING PANCAKES IN THE MORNING!!! AND THIS IS WHAT HE GOES AND DOES??????????? FUUCK ME!!!
I wonder if this means I'm getting my period.... OK and that's another thing!
Why is it if I get angry it instantly has to mean my period? Why can't I just be really pissed off without hormones being at the root of it? WHY????
Ok, deep breath. I really wish it weren't 1:30 in the morning right now... I'd call my mom.
So! Why am I so angry?
Because I sort of haven't really seen Donnie all day and I'm afriaid he's out drinking; something I really don't want him getting in the habit of doing (again).
What's wrong with drinking?
What's NOT wrong with it?? Shit, there is no reason to drink... EVER. As far as I'm concerned, drinking is just as bad as smoking and if he can't deal with that then... we have problems.
I just.... I just want Donnie to be good so badly. That's why I'm here, to meet good people. I'm so afraid he's not good. I've put so much of myself out there and I've never really gotten messed up you know? I don't want this to be the first time. hahah I can hear him saying "I'm good! Love me!" in that little whiney voice he uses when he's trying to be cute. Somtimes I feel like I don't have a hold on him and it's scary, really scary.
My head really does just go and go and go... I have no idea if any of this is true.
I'm so tempted to text him right now... but I really can't put myself through that. I just need to sleep.
No man is gonna fuck me over like Dad did to Mum. NO MAN!!! I think that's why I get so defensive if something doesn't go right. Lord, I don't know. This blows and I'm freezing.
Fuck him, I'm not wasting my time worrying about this. He's fucking me over right fucking now by keeping me up.
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