my words are cold and flat, and you deserve more than that

Gaaah! I am SOOO freaking sick. This sucks. HARD.

I wish I could just throw up and maybe then I’d feel better. I have a fever too which is always a nice bonus. BAAAAHHHHHHHHH. I stayed home today and I originally had all these plans to clean my room and resize my concert tee {oh yeah went to TOC and it was amazing… Next concert though I am def going to be in the crowd and not sitting. It got a touch boring.} But of course I felt like complete shit and didn’t feel like doing anything coz I wanted to puke soooo bad… I still do… If only I would.

Had two REALLY GOOD conversations with Todd over the past two days. I really hope he comes online tonight, but I’m afraid I can’t stay up very late coz of how gnasty I feel.

K, the first one was after I got home from the concert on Sunday. He’s all “Wanna play Maple Story?” {that’s this game he showed me. You control this little person and kill snails and mushrooms. It’s pretty cool.} But I was basically dead, and I kind of suck at it when I’m awake, so I was like “maybe later” And then he goes “Wanna make ou….. Orange juice?” {hahah I love it when he does that.} So we keep talking for a while and we start doing the scenario game {It’s weird how everything is a game with us.} and he’s like

so we hang out for a while and you think your interested in me...... your turn

I wait around to see if you're interested in me

ok and after a while you find out that i am......

then I wait some more to see if you do anything...meanwhile we hang out more

would you ever pass it up if you truly felt it?

I dont know, hopefully not. Would you?

i dont know....

ok so it's still my turn?

{And then THIS comes out of nowhere…}

i put my arms around you holding you tight, your eyes lock into mine... we stare contently into each others souls as we both inch are way forward.... my lips start to quiver as my eyes get sheltered by the lids.... we both touch lips, as i wake up! Hahahaha

{I about fainted after that}

hahahah. that's a good dream

Oh quit it!

Intenseness, no? I don’t know how pathetic it is that I save all our convos… but they make for good blog entries! Haaaa...

So then the next day, we're just talking and he goes

i have a problem

what?

i want to be with a lot of people right now, so i keep throwing myself away from them all... wich is a great thing to do, because im not going to do that to any woman, but its killing me... hahaha

{I'm thinking... OH GREAT.}

so you're just avoiding them all?

Yea

can't decide?

i just want to be loved so damn bad sounds awful i know but i just want someone to love me and hold me and be real about it you know....

{You have NO idea how much I wanted to say "but I love you" right then...}

yeah I know

and the reason i back away from everyone is because i look at them and i say.. theyre not ready for what i need in a relationship. i want it to be serious, but not sexual

{So am I ready or what? Hmmm...}

oh. and nobody meets up to what you want yet?

ok i guess its like this. everyone who is fun is too young, and everyone my age is more concerned with the worldly things like partying and having sex and stuff...... and i dont like older women much

{Too young? What?!}

hahha yeah I see what you're saying. you know you're not that old...

i know

So that was pretty frusturating. After he said the "I want to be loved so damn bad" bit I about wanted to cry. Came pretty close.

I don't know, this is all really confusing and I'm wondering that if we ever did go out if I could handle being in a relationship as long as he usually is {He dates people for like years at a time... The longest I've gone was like a month.} But like he keeps saying "Maybe after we've hung out for a while..."

Well... I don't know about you but I LOVE BEING SICK!!!

And that's all she wrote.

MUAH!!