Stand in the puddles of the disco ball's glow... come on, be the one, come on, be the one

Wooowww...

One month in and it feels like I just got here. And also like I've been here forever.

Steeping myself in academia. Which is not terribly fun, but it's basically a necessity at this point.

I have been making friends though. That always feels good. And they're girls too! Which waaayy uncomplicates things. Good, good. Plus they're girls who don't make me want to punch myself in the face (as most girls are wont to make me do)... Well most of them don't anyway. At least not yet.

I should be studying right now... big persuasion & propaganda test Monday. Buuut, I'm thinking not much is going to stick anyway, seeing that it's 2 in the morning. I'm basically only awake because of the caffeine. Bad call.

Keep running into Donnie... that's not much fun. I would say hi to him when I see him but idk if that is 1.) something he wants me to be doing or 2.) something that is smart to do, given the situation. Honestly, I don't even know what the situation is at this point, probably it's just fizzled into nothingness. Which would be fine.

Amazing actually.

Still keeping in touch with Ben kindasorta. Last time I called him he was like "Feel free to call me whenever." I would call him more often except it takes about a week to work up enough stuff to keep a conversation going for a substantial period and also, I don't want to be the one calling him all the time (granted, I've only called him once since I got here). I guess MOST of me wouldn't mind, but some of me is like... that's your job, son. I need proof that you are capable of not forgetting me.

aaauuugghghh I SOO want to know whether or not I'm being led on. Because that's what it feels like right now. Like I'm going to go home after graduating and he'll be all "Oh hey! We're just friends I thought! Isn't that great?! Big friendly family!"

Mother of mercy, if that's what ends up happening I may need to kill him.

It's like I need a status update on how he's feeling about me. Honestly, right now it's irrelevant whether or not he likes me. Because that could change at any time. Clearly it's not about to change for me though. And I mean if he can go without dating a girl for 2+ years, then there's a good chance of me being an option still in a couple o months.

At some point though, I'm going to need some definite answers. I can wait until Christmas, but after that... I'ma need to know where we stand. I may even need to lay down some smack.

I could lay down some serious smack right now.

This whole situation has been pretty poisonous for me. I wish I'd known what was going to happen earlier. I don't think it would have stopped me from dating him, maybe just made me prepare myself for it in advance. Although I don't think that would have made the summer very much fun.

THE SUMMER IS NOT ENOUGH. I WANT MORE. I WILL HAVE MORE. I WILL HAVE MORE IF IT KILLS ME.

A lot has changed in this month though. Well, I say that, but I don't know how much I believe it. I feel like I've let go of a lot more... less obsessed, although obviously still pretty obsessed.

I really wish I could shake that. I think it'd be a service to all involved.

I also really wish our conversations could be not 90% smalltalk and 10% awkward silence. Yeah, that'd be really cool.

I have noticed though, that if I am in a good mood when I talk to him, I feel better about the conversation overall. I know I've talked to him and been in a very forlorn state of mind and just felt like the conversation went really poorly. But last time we talked it was only for 20ish min. but I felt really good about it. Which is good because usually I base the quality of the conversation on how long it was... which is stupid because it's def about quality and not quantity.

Def.

Anyways, if I want to get up and go out to study tomorrow, I'd better get some sleep in me. Start fresh in the AM.

I'm really interested in downsizing on my possessions. My shit's a-weighin' me down. I've always wanted to be able to pack up EVERYTHING in a couple hours and go. I want to live like a nomad.

Unfortunately, I have this sick obsession with clothes... guess I better get over that quick.

I need a Ben to snuggle :( MMMMmmmmmmmmmm! :(

and then as you read my words out loud, make me sound genius

Sooo, the sweet, sweet summer of aught ten is over and I'm back in College for the LAST ROUND of student-dome.

*SIIIIIIIGHHHHHHHHHcrrrrryyyyyyyy*

So Ben and I finally ended up dating (and REALLY making out......SOOOO GOOOD!!!)

For like... two and a half months.

Going into it, I knew it would be over with the summer. I had no idea how painful it would be though. None whatsoever. Not even a HINT of how much it would suck.

It sucks.... A FREAKIN' LOT.

But I'm trying to focus on other things... like... learning to love myself and the world at large. And how to do homework.

I'm actually doing pretty well with homework.

This is the first week I've been here without him, so it's important that I keep that in mind. Everything will start to dull with time, life will get easier to live, I'll be able to focus on being an adult...or....something.

AHHHHH I FEEL SO ALONE!! I"M DYING OFCANCER!!! I"M NOT GOING TO GRADUATE!!!! I DON'T LOVE GOD OR PEOPLE IN NEED!!!! I ONLY CARE ABOUT MYSELF!!! I"VE LET MY FAMILY DOWN!!!! I"M NEVER GOING TO SURVIVE BY MYSELF IN THE REAL WORLD!!!!! IF JEN BLOWS HER NOSE ONE MORE TIME I MAY HAVE TO SHOOT HER IN THE FACEEE!!!!! NOBODY WILL EVER WANT TO MARRY ME THAT I ACTUALLY WANT TO MARRY BACK!!!

Oh man... I need some serious help.

Those are all things I'm thinking right now, but now that I've typed them out they seem really stupid.

God, please take this away from my heart... fill me with your love. Help me think clearly again.

ahh... I feel better now...

I still miss Ben though. I hope I don't stop.

I hope he's worth missing. I'm beginning to wonder.

Mum just called. I'm kind of giving her the freeze-out for a conversation we had last night about me failing Bible. ONE class out of the 8395084350934 I've taken these four years. It's not like I can fix it now. One more reason to feel like shit.

And it's really only hurting me because she's like one of the only people I have to reach out to... so it's basically adding to my loneliness. So I should probably stop holding grudges... maybe I'll call her back... yeah. kay I'm gonna go.

put down your sword and crown, come lay with me on the ground

OH....MAN, YOU GUYS.

BEST.... CAMPMEETING......EVER.

Sooo yeah, finally got that peek inside Ben's head I was hoping to get.

He likes meeee, I like hiiimmm... mad awesome untill ya throw in another year at Southern and him not wanting to stay in Maine. Buuut I'm gonna go ahead and not think about that.

Because this is in God's hands.

Anyway, we've kind of decided that we're doing the "just friends" thing even though there's clearly more to it. At least there won't be any technical strings. Pretty sure we're both really into each other.......yaayyyyyy!!!!fjdsklfjdsklfjsdYYAAAAYYY!!!

This girl from Southern I guess was kinda wanting to hang out with him the last night of campmeeting but he was just like "I don't know a better way to say this, but I'm gonna hang out with Amanda instead." Prom queen all over again... muahahaha.

Also, we're... I guess you'd call it making out. It's got all the making-outness of making out but without actual mouth on mouth kissing. Kinda like that Regina Spektor song (that time). Whatever it is... I can dig it. It's really nice because it feels so good and innocent and just... honest I guess... I don't know why I chose that word to describe it, but that's what it is.

Now I wish he would facebook me back...
{hello insanity, it's been a while! Hope you haven't missed me coz I certainly have enjoyed not missing you}

It's only a very little bit wierd that there's like zero PDA. We were holding hands during a prayer at church and he squeezed my hand at one point and my knees pretty much gave out. I'm so glad that little things like that can still get me going, because honestly, I feel like a lot of that died with my dating Donnie.

I'm trying really hard to not get too wrapped up in this whole situation, but as you can see, it's been a bit of a loosing battle. I pray about it and God takes it away, but it always ends up sneaking back in and then I check Facebook again for the millionth time. I need to focus on getting it together with God. I'm thinking about musical devotions... awesome...

Jen's been warning me about not getting too involved because of how upset I'll be at the end of the year... I'd rather spend a few nights crying my eyes out than let this thing go. Besides, it's too late for stopping anyway.

We both fit in the same sleeping bag.

I must become a lion-hearted girl, ready for a fight

Ohhh sooo happyy!!! Finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel vis a vis my internship!!! FINALLYY!!!! Oh man I was getting a lot anxious. Still not quiiiite sure when things FOR REAL get going, but at least the papers are in the hands of people and emails are sent and blah blah blah blah YAAAYYYYYY oh man.

Goodbye tons of free time. A part of me shall miss you dearly.

And part of me shall rejoice at your leaving.

Sooo, I hate that I'm paranoid to write stuff in here now... I don't know why, but I'm really afraid someone is going to read this who shouldn't be reading this and.... ohh whatever, like I said, whoever finds this probably deserves to read it. .

Massive crush on Ben is a go.

yaaaaaaaaayyyyyy.

aaaahhhh I WISH I KNEW WHAT IS GOING ON IN HIS HEAAADDD.

facepalm.

Also I seem to have a lot of like... circling vultures for lack of a better word. Is very hard to be friends without making people think about the possibility of more. Which is kind of what I'm afraid is going on in the Ben situation. Like maybe I'M a circling vulture.

OH NOOOOOOO!!!!

No good.

Well if that's the case, then I really wish he'd stop agreeing to hang out and being all excited about it and talking me into staying at campmeeting and asking me to help decorate his potential bus-dwelling and talking about SWING DANCING (!!!!!!!!!) with me sometime and being so win in general ............JFRIOERUIFJRAAARRRRRRR.

WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS IS ALL ME?? WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYYY???

I wanna sink my claws in... in a non-bitchy sort of way.... in a "please don't go!" kind of way. Wich, I know, sounds super desperate. Which is not at all what I am.

There! I'm not desperate. I just see a good thing and don't want to pass him up without a fight. Normal!

Wish I actually felt normal.

if I'm honest you come to mind, but baby I'm not

Internship started... well sort of. Trying to get going on things as much as possible on my own, since the formal beginning of things doesn't seem to start untill more things fall into place. Whatever, even I'M confused about what's going on.

Dad read the article I wrote for Columns about the divorce. I feel bad mostly because I haven't really seen him since I got home. I tried to make a time to hang out when he called the first time and he was just like "I have to go to work." Then he called a second time and just talked to mum about the bill. He's using the article as an excuse to not send Celeste to a Christian school. As usual, she gets screwed over by him. Hopefully, this will pass, but... who knows?

Talked to Donnie for the first time in a (comparative) while today. He's like "How are you doing, are you over me yet?" I had no idea what to tell him so I just said "I don't know, I'm not thinking too hard about anything lately." Which is true. I really am trying to be on vacation from.... general boy-related angst.

It's not easy, let me tell you.

But then I thought about it after and... honestly, I don't feel very much at all. I (REALLYREALLY) miss being kissed and other general boy closeness-es, but as far as anything else is concerned, I'm pretty much set. The difference is I'm not around him. If I were, I might feel differently (or maybe just more swayed by my physical wants.)

Which sort of leads me to believe that I broke up with him for Ben, but I know that's not true. Technically, I know Donnie and I were fairly well-matched, but I feel like things just weren't clicking enough for me. And I'm not MARRIED to him or anything, so better now than later.

Sweet genius though, I would KILL for a good kiss right now. It's even invading my dreams.

Wonder when I'll see Ben again. Soon I hope.

I really hope nobody reads this... I could probably just make it all private somehow, but I get kind of a rush out of thinking who might read this idiotic, self-centered crap that I write just to feel better. And I do feel better after. More like crap than I thought... A verbal toilet.

dang, now I can't stop worrying if someone is ACTUALLY going to see this... ugg I'll try writing later.

UPDATE: I just found out that it would be near impossible for anyone who knows me to find this. It would require them googling my name and going to probably the fourth page of results. That takes you to the one post where I mention my full name... oops. Anybody who cares enough to go to the fourth page of results probably deserves to know all my innermost goings-on.

let this be our little secret, no one needs to know we're feeling (higher and higher and higher)

Hahahah I just got done reading the last two posts and.... yeah I ended it with Donnie. Quite a while after that incident, but yeah, we are no longer an I-tem.

The line that really kills me is "Whatever. I love him. The end."

I can't believe I was ok with that for so long. All that emotional trauma he unconciously put me through and I kinda just let it all slide. I wish I could have explained to him all the pain things like that caused me. I think the root of it all was just how I had no idea what his life was like before he met me. I had no idea what he was capable of, so I guess I just assumed the worst.

Anyway, our breakup took TWO WEEKS. Yeah, not even kidding. So, so horrible. I more or less stopped eating for a long time. Because that's what I do when I'm nervous. I even threw up once. You didn't need to know that.

But now! Now I am free! For so long we'd had everything planned out... our life, where we'd live, everything. All of that's over now and anything is possible. I am at once terrified and thrilled. It's a feeling I hope I can hold on to for the rest of my life.

Yah, so there's a new boy in town. Fast, I know. I can't for the life of me figure him out and it's really frusturating. I feel super lame even talking about it, just because....... I don't know, it's really really platonic, but he's SO COOL and he's really got his head together and we spent like almost an entire afternoon looking through Ripley's Believe It Or Not book. Which I'm really afraid bored the shit out of him. He's just so dang polite that I don't know if he'd say anything even if he was bored. Ahhhh man... But anyway, some serious potential there. I hope...

So there's thaaaat....

Waiting for my internship to start. Got like... a week and change till things get going. I'm gonna look so good though, I've got mad professional clothes up in here! WOOOOHOOO!!!! I'd never ever have thought that that idea would make me go woohooo. I think I'm realizing that you CAN indeed dress for sucsess and still maintain your identity. Exciting thoughts those.

Yep, guess it's back to regular blogging now.... yaaaaayyy.

kisses.