it's easy babe to make it hard

Thanksgiving!! Yay!

Which means I'm home for the first time in forever. Woots to that.

Things are kinda wierd here. There was a big fight and... long story short, mum plans on divorcing dad after christmas. Wich is teh sux if you ask me. I mean... it's clearly been a long time coming, but... shit, I don't wanna move.

But mum deserves to be happy for a change. And he does bring kind of a stressfulaura into the house. THAT I can do without.

K so... Donnie and I are official. Everything's going pretty well I think. So far. He keeps saying he's having "girl drama." Apparently a bunch of girls are like coming forward with feelings they have for him and he's dating me, soooo... they lose, obviously. One of them happens to be Nadia. Big freakin' surprise. Buut, Donnie keeps saying he only likes me, and I really have no choice but to believe him.

I just wish I knew for real what's going on with that situation. And I hate that I secretly don't believe him. It's not like I have a reason not to. It's not like I've been lied to profusely by boys in the past. And honestly, there's really nothing he could do that would make me believe him, this is just me being crazy and jealous for no apparent reason.

It's just that I wonder if he would be happier with one of them instead of me. I guess that's my main issue, like I'm not (fill in the blank) enough. He's all talking about how he said Nadia should get piercings and she did. How effing lame is that? 

Maybe I should talk to Amith about it... ehh. naah. That would look really bad.

Man, I wish he were here now. I believe this is the first time I've been away from a boyfriend and actually missed him. Weird. Could Amanda be growing a heart?

Well I'm either growing a heart or losing my mind. Probably both.

I may look young, but your game is pre-pubescent

ahh I just added the new blogger gadget for iGoogle. Say hello to shorter, more frequent blog posts? Mmmaaaaaayyyybe...

So I'm vingt now. The thought of not being a teenager anymore has me pretty paranoid. Not gonna lie. But I'm sort of starting to like how oddly sophisticated I feel now. "Ooh, I'm not just nineTEEN anymore... I'M TWENTY BITCHES!!"

hahaha. Or not.

Pretty good birthday overall I'd say. Work was ok, the general harassment by the VM boys, five free dented cans of veggie meat, the usual. Mum sent me flowers and a TON of balloons. Pretty ridiculous. But funny. I had to go to choir practice in the pouring down rain, so I was pretty well drenched by the time I got to the church. NAAAAsty. And of course I stood right behind Michael the whole time. I really wish I could calm the frick down about him. I had a really good view of Ryan, the audacious cymbal player. Hilarious. Then at the end of rehearsal, the entire choir sang Happy Birthday to me, which was a really intense experience. Then I got back to the room and there was a surprise party for me! With papa john's and candy corn. WooT. Sarah M and Laura showed up too, so it was pretty cool.

THEN....

I had made plans to go to vespers with Donnie (as my birthday present from him.... coz he gambles and has no money.) and it was getting near time to go and I hadn't heard from him, so I im'ed him and he's like "oh I'm here I'm here." It was casual dress for this vespers so he's like "do you want me to dress up?" And I'm like "naah don't bother" (but I was going to anyway coz it was kind of a way that I could feel less bad about making him go to vespers... yea idk) So it was time to go and I im'ed him and he didn't say anything back so I just said "I'll be in the lobby, call me." So I waited in the lobby until about five minutes before vespers and he still didn't show, so I just headed over. I was pretty pissed but tried to console myself with the thought that I'd probably be the best dressed person there. Lame, I know.

So I got there and started getting really antsy and sleepy and a touch depressed, so I started to leave and on my way out there's this guy walking towards me in vespers clothes and I thought to myself "Someone didn't get the memo" and it was Donnie. DRESSED UP! I guess he got locked out of his room so that made him late and then he went to the girl's dorm and the desk lady is like "oooh she's gonna be MAAAD." which I thought was hilarious. I was glad he showed up though. Seriously, it was like a movie the way I walked out at the exact right time.

I reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally hope he's not just patronizing me. I hope he's not for his sake. Coz I may just go ape crap on his ass if he is. hahah I can't beleive those words came out of my fingers.

But seriously... I will.

the city will be earth in a short while

Mid-semester break.... is so sweet.

I'm at Sarah's house in Florida right now. It is so nice. And relaxing. And really fun.

People here are really really obsessed with cooking. Like... wow I dunno. I'm like "Let's order pizza!" And everyone else is like "Let's make a five course meal! JOY UNBOUNDED!!"

It's cool though. It's not that I don't like cooking, it's just that I've kind of gotten used to eating right away and not really waiting for food to happen. It's pretty sad actually, so this is a good thing.

I was sooo stressed out about getting down here in one piece. I am really not a fan of driving and whatever, so I switched with Laura and Sarah which was really good. Sarah kind of scared me at first drivingwise, but she's easily as good a driver as I am. Zeke ended up coming with us too, which is fine, but it meant we left at 4:30 and got here at like... midnight. Which sucked quite a lot. I'm REALLY going to make sure we leave at a decent time on Sunday. Like... before noon hopefully.

I can't believe it's already Friday. WAAAAHHHH.

Donnie went to California... Jealousssssss.

Man, I feel like he's playing me so bad lately. I hate it.

I think really far into things. I hate that too. I do that and then I take everything to mean something when it probably doesn't. ugh. rar. and other exclamations of anger.

I sort of feel like I shouldn't hang out with him anymore since it's causing me so much internal strife. But if I didn't have that, I'd probably be depressed too, so I think I'd rather hang out with him than not. Not like we really do much of that anymore. I think we hang out like.... once a week? I see him about every day though. At tennis and at lunch if I'm lucky. And then, that chick is always there. I think I make her a tad nervous though, so... props to me I guess.

RAAATTERJIOFGJERUJIEUHFEFJEJRF I was supposed to somehow avoid all this angst by NOT dating him. But now I sort of want to. But sort of not at the same time. I think I'd rather try dating him than not.

IDONT"KNOWWWWW

And I miss Josh. A lot. I really want to know how the whole trip went... I wonder if that's what Sarah called me about earlier.... hmm I probably should have called her back. I'll call tonight I guess.

I think about really lame stuff. SOO much more to life than boys. Like..... art. Yes.

Oh I went on a pseudo-date with Justin. MAN that was weird. I really didn't want it to be a date (and it wasn't) but I could tell he wanted it to be. He tried to buy me a notebook and possibly coffee, but guys buying me stuff weirds me out as it is, much less one I don't have any intention whatsoever of dating. He's cool and everything, he just reminds me waaayyy too much of Leigh pushard from high school.

I am so shallow. It's sad.

anyway, I guess i should probably stop typing and be social or something. *sigh* More freakin' cooking. hahah.

<333333333333333333333333333333333333

I {do not} Need {you anymore} Truth

Oh man.... Can you say "most useless evening evarr?"

I can. "Most useless evening EVARR!"

So the plan was to go get the comp fixed and buy pancake making stuff.

None of that happened, and I left my comp in this guy's car!! I am such an idiot.

I was gonna have Donnie come with me but then he called back and was like "I'm going with some people to the mall, do you wanna come too?" So I was like "cool" and went. There were these two (I believe they were) Freshmen chicks who came with, and.... HOLY FIRKIN' CRAP were they dumb. Then, the piece de resistance, Clanky Keychain Girl Pants (aka Matt) showed up. He was nearly as annoying as the girls were, clanky keychain wise. hahah.

I'm being catty. I should stop. I believe I have said enough. AHEM!

But anyway, the OTHER dude who came with us, Dan, was pretty cool. I guess he's an English major which is neet. Someone interesting to talk to. At least I could talk to him without him saying "OHMYGODIKNOWRIGHT?" every five seconds.

Crap I said I'd stop that. I'm done.

Hahahah. Whatever. If Donnie prefers idiots, that's his problem.

Also ran into Ryan Moore. Friggin... whatever. That kid is always popping up in the randomest places in my life.

And that kid from the VM... I can never remember his name...Which was cool I guess. I felt cool knowing so many random people.

Man I'm tired. I feel really warm. Maybe I'm sick. I should go to sleep. This blog post is kind of going nowhere.

I got zero work done tonight. IRUT*)E$A(TU$*)EJERIO#*)(#)*TUJELFJD")@$+_!}$)_(#U()%#)%

Shit.

if all your love was wasted, well then who the hell was I?

Ohhhh jeez.

12:30. Just sitting here, listening to.... Anna Nalick, which should really say everything. That's pretty much all I listened to during the Mike mishap. Sooo... emo. Hardcore.

I am kind of worried. I feel like I might be getting a tad too attached to... someone. And that is SOO not the plan. Because essentially, there is no plan. And I have to be happy with that. I am happy with that. I just can't keep from getting all anxious when I don't talk to him for a while. And when it's harder and harder to keep up a conversation. I hate when that happens. I don't want to force anything, but I don't want everything to just kind of fade away.

It won't. I think that time of the month is fast approaching. That's basically the only answer I have for this mood that's kind of been hovering for the past couple days. That and probably Josh's visit.

Dammit! She was cool! Like, not SUPER cool, but a lot cooler than I expected. And I mean I'm glad in a way that Josh isn't attracted to a not-cool person. But you wanna know what sucks? Hard?

HE FUCKING KNOWS. That was definitely not supposed to EVER happen.

Of course I don't know how I thought he wouldn't find out, what with me telling Sarah who told his parents (hahah Debbie was all for it. She thought I should have told him.) I guess Patrick mentioned something to him and Josh just kind of deduced for himself. And Sarah verified of course.

Tragic really. Really.

I mean I don't really know what it was I expected. I mean seriously, if he did have feelings left for me, he's not going to dump his girlfriend of like, what, three years? I think I gave him way too much of a cold shoulder back when he did like me for there to be anything left now. Whatever. If it's meant to be, it'll happen. Maybe she IS the one for him, I don't freakin' know.

Another thing I don't freakin' know is why I'm up still. I had such a crazy day today! Thursdays are always busy, but today was just nonstop GO. Every second I wasn't eating or in class I was doing work that.... well probably should have been done already. But everything got finished and turned in on time, and I made it to an EXTRA convo AND a worship. I even led out in an impromptu song service at Bible Boot Camp! (aka worship) Then went to Taco Bell. Then just some chill time. And now I'm up bitching to my blog when I should be asleep. I am actually really tired, but I sort of wanted to talk to Donnie before bed. UGH! I hate this!! I always thought I'd like having someone like Donnie in my life... like a weird sort of pseudo boyfriend. I think if I had more of them then it wouldn't be quite so odd. But... I don't really. Unless you count Justin, and we don't hang out nearly enough for him to count. I don't know how Donnie is a pseudo boyfriend actually. Maybe it's coz... yea I guess we aren't.

I guess I'm just having a hard time dealing. I mean I'm not, but I am. Like if we don't talk for a while... like now.... I get all antsy. That's bad. That's the whole reason I'm not dating.

Well, this is bullshit. I'm going to sleep. I am SO not staying up until 2:30 to talk to this kid. Freakin'.... bad for my complexion.

I'm sick of all this boy angst I have. Why can't they just do what I want them to do??? WHY CAN'T I CALM DOWN!!!???

Yay for rhetoric.

Things'll be great when you're Downtown!

HAPPY 100th POST!! WOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!

hahah. That only took three years.

Well good day so far.

Jeez it felt all like I had all these options for stuff to do tonight, but it's starting to feel more and more like I don't. Everybody is doing things on Sabbath that I don't want to do and it makes it awkward for me and it's pretty depressing too. Coz Donnie was all "We're going into town, you can come if you want" And I thought he meant tonight but he ended up leaving at three or something while I was mid-nap. Then Justin from drawing class called and asked me if I wanted to go to the art museum with people (probably freshman) today or tomorrow and I said I could do it tomorrow after work (eeek! I hope I have time to do my flyerrrr!!) Then Donnie called and asked me if I wanted to go shopping er whatever and I have no idea how long he's going to be gone for. Hopefully not all night coz there may or may not be a movie at poplar 7. And if not, I'm don't know if I wanna go contra dancing, so hopefully Donnie's around to do something with. I'd kinda like to go see a movie, but I'm def. not going alone. And Other Sarah is gone this weekend, so... yea. But I don't know if she'd want to go or not anymore. Meh.

So you can kinda see why I'm feeling like I don't have options even though I do. Rar. Whatever. I should probably just stay home and do homework. IRJEOITJEUSEIJRIEJT*$(%)U#()IOEWU$*()HEFNIODTH$ no. I don't wanna waste Saturday night like that. It's bad enough that Sundays are more or less down the drain.

Got a cute little silk dress yesterday at Fossil. Very Atonement looking. I need to have a Victoria's Secret spree here soon. My underwears situation is feeling kind of abysmal. I'm needing to do laundry a lot more often than I ususally do. I should probably just go to walmart and buy some filler underware. But.... ehh I'll just wait till Sharon sends me a care package. I think she said something about a vickie's gift certificate. I secretly want a pair of those blinged out sweatpants they have there. I don't have many things that scream "Material Girl" so maybe one......

oh shoot. Jen is having a meltdown. uh ohs.

well I guess she's ok... I wish she wouldn't make friends with shallow people. It's kind of unhealthy for her I think.

So anyway. I've changed my stance on the Ralph... er Lauren... issue. I really need to be fair with her, and I certainly haven't been. I think in order for Josh not to completely hate me, and ultimately so that I can be ok with myself, I need to be accepting of her and at least attempt to get to know her. Because if they ARE meant to be, then... yea I dunno.

At any rate, they're coming up to stay at Southern in two weekends, so... I'm really excited to see Josh anyway. That'll be cool. I've been having withdrawls kinda haha.

RAAAR I wish I knew what the crap's going on tonight. I want to start making plaaaans. I feel weird calling Sarah again. I just called her an hour ago to find out what she's doing and she's like "Well there's talk of watching the movie. And there's talk of contra dancing. And then there's talk of doing something else." And I'm just like..... shoot me now.

Whatever. Maybe I AM supposed to stick around and do homework. *sigh* How lame.

<3

but I turn him on, and he comes to life, automatic joy

SO, just as I suspected, my next post is from school!

And I should be writing a paper right now!

But I'm not!

Alright!

Just had an interesting convo with my friend Donnie. We've kind of been hanging out lately, and it's not that I like him or anything, he's just good guy friend material. And I really like hanging out with him. Anyways, tonight he's all "Where are we in your head?" And of course I said "well I guess we're just friends right?" And he seemed all relieved and stuff, so I guess I didn't go and mess something up.

But I can't really shake this feeling that because I don't like him and he may or may not like me, that there's no reason for him to hang out with me anymore. I know it's stupid and (hopefully) untrue, but I just really really really want things to keep going the way they are. I'm worried that if he did like me (which hopefully he didn't) and now he knows I don't like him that way that I won't really matter anymore. Sort of an "on to the next thing" situation. I guess I'll have to save the next awkward convo for tomorrow, coz Michael might be in his room. Uh ohs. He's been kinda... ugh idk, I'm sure I'm being just as weird to him as he is to me, so.... moot point there.

I just have so few actual friends here that I really want to keep the ones I do have. And it's nice having a guy friend that Jennifer isn't a third wheel party to. Not that I minded that, it's just... nice not to have to not mind that.

In other news...

So Sarah and I are trying to find a time to go to North Carolina to visit Josh. Sarah had a rather long text fest with Ralph in an effort to get in touch with Josh. Sarah mentioned to her something about how we were planning to go visit and Ralph promptly gave her Josh's itinerary for the next.... month and a half basically. He seems pretty booked up, according to her anyway (I have this horrible craving for ricotta cheese all of a sudden. RAR I hate the 1:00 munchies.) But probably before we get a chance to go down there, Josh will be up here to visit for View Southern, at which time, Sarah and I are hopefully going to steal him away for a night out in Chattanooga. Which will be AWESOME! I'm reallyreallyreally hoping he doesn't beg to bring Ralph along because surely I will ralph if she comes. I'm sort of anxious to see how he acts around her. Haven't really gotten to witness that yet.

Oh and I guess it's all a go for her whole family to go visit the cotes during mid-semester break for A WHOLE WEEK! That seems incredibly rude to me. However, it may or may not be the turning point (for the worst hopefully) in their relationship. Jen has promised to give me full details of the visit (She is NOT AT ALL looking forward to seeing Ralph. As none of us really are.)

I feel kind of like a huge butt for saying all these bad things about her if indeed she and he are supposed to work out. But to be quite honest, I hope things don't and I'm wondering more and more if it might not be a bad idea for me to at some point tell him how I really feel. I keep wondering if maybe that's why he's still with her. I dunno.

I am in need of some retail therapy. I need a trip to Vickie's. I'm really hoping that Sharon sends me a giftcard and soon.

But now... my head feels like exploding, so I should go to bed.

I hope everything works out... man I am so angst-ridden.

the mousy girl screams "Violence! Violence!"

By this time next week, I'll be back in Tennessee. I can't freaking believe it. Summer feels like it never happened.

And my room is a wreck. It needs cleaning sooooo badly. I was supposed to go over to Jen and Erica's tonight, but ended up watching like three episodes of family guy with Dad, who is asleep on the couch at the moment. I couldn't take the stupid anymore, so I left him with the tv going. Shutting it off wakes him up. I'm home because I'm supposed to be packing but, as usual, am procrastinating. Ugh. I want to talk to someone but there's really nobody to talk to about mah issues.

Good news on the Josh front however.

So it seems that Josh overheard a teacher (or two possibly) talking about how getting married pre college degree was a bad idea, and suddenly, everything that we had all been saying (and when I say "we" I mean... pretty much everyone in his life. Even his dad who was all for it at first) clicked into place. And so he called his mom and told her he decided to wait until after he's gotten his degree to marry Ralph(Lauren). So she called up the teacher and told them how grateful she was that they had said something about it.... in josh's earshot or whatever.

But then came the daunting challenge of announcing the news to Ralph. Ralph who, according to Josh, was cool with just walking away from the relationship at the first signs of it not being the right thing for them to do. So in theory, this news shouldn't have bothered her at all. They are SO in love that a year or two or three*cough*ORNEVER*cough* shouldn't matter. But instead, she blew a gasket and on top of that, fed josh some line about how her parents (who are rolling in it I should add) aren't going to pay for her college tuition.

So in closing, I am praying that Josh stays steadfast in his decision even if it means losing Ralph.

Now I just really wish he would answer my texts.

And that I would stop feeling so creepy liking a younger guy. (hah I just realized that josh and I are the same distance apart in age as Chris and I were. And I always thought it was dumb that he felt creepy dating me. Hah.)

Whatever.

I keep trying to test myself to see if this is for real or not. Coz I feel kind of like this might just be like a summer infatuation thing. But I think it might not be. I dunno. I'm just really glad that he's made this decision. I mean if he and lauren are supposed to be together then... they should be, but not before he's like... looked around at least a little. Couldn't that cause problems later on, marrying so young? Especially with Josh being... the way he is.

Oh wow I miss him. I want to talk to him right now. I'd sign on to AIM but there's people I don't want to talk to on there probably. Ugh. I'll just marinate in my angst instead.

GUESS WHAT?? Chris is going to Mongolia! YES! One less thing to shit myself over. When he comes back everything will be fine. Finefinefinefine. I feel like an ass for being so excited but.... I can't really help it. I've been kind of dreading the whole let's-pretend-nothing-ever-happened-even-though-I-totally-blew-off-that-one-super-awkward-kiss-which-in-fact-was-a-kiss-and-not-as-I-so-lamely-put-it-a-request-for-a-kiss.....*GASP*..... yea. Nobody wants that. Especially not me.

Oh how I want to call josh up and talk. Stupid academy cell phone rules. I guess I'll just give calling him tomorrow a shot. Sarah told me the good times to call him.

Jeez I sound really obsessed. I'm not. It's just kind of really on my mind right now, so I felt like I'd just spill my guts in one fell swoop.

But now I'm feeling like sleep. Goodnight. I probably won't write again untill I'm back to school.

Oh how i want it to be summer forever.

XO

now they're going to bed, and my stomach is sick

So apparently I can't keep up my blog to save my life... Well that's ok, I don' t think anyone reads this besides me. No big, fo shizzle.

Meh. I've been shopping today to take my mind off of other things. Things that I only ended up thinking about later. It was a good day shopping wise. Went to Salvation Army, coz apparently it's closing (My mom told me that and I thought she meant all Salvation armies everywhere... but apparently it's just the one near us.) I got a big button down shirt, two narrow ties, two Oscar de la Renta bras (that are too big, but I'm hoping I can make them smaller... Yay for not really needing bras!) and a Queen t-shirt (as in the band. I'm hoping to resize it into something cool.) I also found three cds... one is some sort of mix cd, a Ryan Cabrera CD (I figure what the hell? It was like 50 cents) and a Sixpence None the Richer single (Kiss Me of course). Thennn... we went to TJ Maxx and they were selling tons of American Eagle swag, which didn't exactly thrill me except for the fact I was paying probably less for it than people who actually work at AE. MUAHAHAHAHAHA. I got two AE sweaters (A snowflake looking pullover and a grey cardigan) and a sick non-AE trenchcoat. This one looks like it might actually repel water unlike my other one. Oh and some body scrub. Keeping the dry skin at bay as usual.

Hahah I really don't know why I just listed all that stuff. Probably to avoid talking about what I'm about to talk about. ABOUTABOUTABOUTABOUT.

Ahem.

Welllllll.... I've basically fallen for Josh, aaannnddd... he's leaving tomorrow.... to go back to his fiancee/girlfriend/Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm deal, and.... our goodbye was a load of shit and.... I miss him a lot....and.... I don't think he likes me.....and..... I wanna throw up.

I think I've more or less missed my chance with him. I hate it when I like really flirty guys, it makes it so hard to tell when they are being serious and when they're just.... being really flirty.

AND ON TOP OF IT ALL, ONCE AGAIN, i HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE YOUNGER THAN ME!! WHAT THE HELL!!

*sigh*

I sort of felt like I should have told him, but.... I chickened out again. I prayed about it and decided that if he hasn't dumped her by the end of the year that it's not meant to be. I think telling him now would just make things really awkward or hard or .... unnecessary. But I wondered if I told him how I felt if maybe he'd dump his girlfriend for me... or at least think about it. When I told him I was going to break up with Chris he got really excited and stuff, like... lucky him or something. I should have picked up on it at the time, but of course I'm a blithering idiot.

Which brings me to something else. I ended up dating Chris for a monthish. That was... interesting/complex/difficult. Like at first it seemed like everything would work out and I wasn't going to put an expiration date on anything. Then... my friends met him. And then... I re-evaluated my decisions. And then.... Josh happened. So... there you have it. And I'm pretty much fine with how that turned out. So far anyway.

UGH I'm so nauseous right now. I may or may not have eaten some bad cream cheese this afternoon. It might also be my nerves/angst eating away at my stomach. Who knows?

I'm hopefully going to call Sarah tomorrow and see how things went on the malcom-cote family outing. They were supposed to go to the beach today but it decided to pour, so who knows what happened?

Whatever.

I love josh. Dammit.

so obviously desperate, so desperately obvious

ugh.

I am really on the edge of something bad today.

I WISH I had a job. I hate just being around here with nothing to do. I feel pretty much worthless and... it's just really bad.

Well I broke up with Michael. That went a lot better than expected. But of course I waited too long to write about it so I really don't feel like going into detail now.

My stomach just feels really really sick. It's rather horrible.

I started to feel better though, I've been cleaning and stuff, did my devotions, got back on my mental feet a little bit.

THEN I went online and..... whoopdee freakin' doo, there's a new pic of Ryan and the gf.

Why is it that I can't get over that kid? I mean seriously, this is friggin retarded. I guess I just need to ask God to take that away from me and give me peace. I am so angst-filled right now!

Sitting still is def. NOT helping.

I've been talking to Chris A LOT since I got out of school. I guess he wants to start a band with me, which sounds like it'll be fun. I am after all a band whore. A band whore with a highly contaigous case of Yoko Ono syndrome. Hopefully this one actually gets farther than past attempts.

I either need one of two things. One (and most preferrable) lots and LOTS of boy exposure, or two, complete detachment from guys. Lol look! I'm falling into the either/or fallacy trap! AAAAKKKKKKK!!!!

I hate people. A lot. My stomach is full of rabid butterflies. With razor blade wings.

Back to productive things.

"Girls, what's my weakness?" "MEN!"

All I know is that I got three seperate sets of butterflies during the same IM conversation.

And Michael hasn't called me. Which subsequently means I haven't broken up with him yet.

Time to go to bed and maybe make a frantic stab at writing something.

cause you might get run over or you might get shot

Well I've been and gone and done it again.

I went and told someone I like them when I know it's not mutual.

Why? Whywhywhywhywhywhy do I do these things????

Odd that I am having this particular dilemma.... WHEN I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!

I hate me sometimes.

But I'm brushing it off as just some passing emotio-hormonal hiccup, picking up the remains of my sorry person and trying to regain some sort of normalcy.

And I'm hanging out on long island, which is cool so far. My first real day is tomorrow, so that's all exciting and whatnot.

I'm really tired, and this blog post isn't going as well as I had hoped, so I think I may just call it quits now. While I'm ahead. Or something close to that.

Shopping tomorrow? Check! Freshly-painted toenails? Check! Chillin' with Chris in the near future? Check! The invention of the phrase "emotio-hormonal hiccup"? Check!

Maybe this blog post wasn't such a waste of time after all? Check!

quit kicking me under the table

Oh geez...

I really wish ehren would go online right now. I need someone to talk to about... things.

I don't know I've just been really unsettled about Michael for quite a while now and it's feeling like I need to either piss or get off the pot.

I talked to Mum about it some, and that was helpful. She's all "Oh two months isn't that long, you guys are just kids." And it's like..... ummm..... NO. She really does understand me better where this sort of thing is concerned. She and Sarah actually get it which is nice.

I hate it that I can't just be happy. Michael is probably the nicest, most sincere person I've ever met, and he's good looking too and smart and everything, and I'm here wondering if I should break up with him. I guess a big part of the reason for my wondering is because I don't really think I'm the kind of person he would be happy with. I mean maybe he'd be temporarily happy, but not in the long run.

And I also hate that I'm even THINKING about the long run. I shouldn't have to at all. Kind of ruins the fun of it. A lot.

I just feel like we'd make better friends. And that maybe we weren't really good enough friends in the first place. I know how people say that dating your friends is a bad idea, but I pretty much think that's a load of crap. I mean, sure it sucks to lose a friend, but if it gets to the point where you feel like dating the person then the new phase of the relationship you're entering is probably something you're pretty sure will work out.

I dunno.

I don't want to hurt him is all. He doesn't deserve to be hurt.

Most of the resason that this has all kind of come to a head is because when I was talking to him on Messenger and he goes "P.S. I love you." (How cliche is that?? Tres.) So I go "I <3 You too" after an extremely long pause. It felt really lame but I didn't want to say stuff that I didn't mean and "I love you" would not be a truthful statement for me. I am in great dislike of those who throw the L word around. Great. Dislike.

I was hoping that some blog therapy would help me maybe decide what to do. But no. But.... I'm too tired to care at this point.

Shine on you crazy diamonds.

like teenage lovers between the sheets

HAPPY 90th POST!!!! WOOOOOHHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Ugh I'm getting another cold. *cry* *wimper*

ONLYAWEEKANDAHALFBEFOREIGETTOLEAAAAVVVVEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

I feel bad for wanting to leave coz it means I won't be seeing michael for quite some time. I'll miss him. Going home will leave me with a whole new list of things to miss. A much shorter list, granted, but a list none the less.

I wonder what things will be like next year between us. The same? Better? Worse?
Only time will tell.

Went to Strawberry festival and made Chris come with me in lieu of Jennifer (it is sooo hard to yank these academic types away from their homework). Michael was playing in a bunch of songs, so it would mean I wouldn't have anyone to sit with. And I won't have that, I'm sorry.

It was kind of wierd though because I kept having the urge to hold his hand. I guess I'm just waaaayyy too used to being with just michael. hahahahahaha.

There were quite a few technical difficulties during strawberry fest. Ryan must have been freaking out like crazy.

He keeps promising to hang out with me. I do believe he is a lying sack of doorknobs.

THERE IS AN ENDLESS AMOUNT OF PACKING TO DOOOO!!!!!!! I really really really want to throw everything all out. Just... start over next year.

ohhh my throat... it buuuurrrrnnnnsssss.....

goodnight.

♥

let us die young or let us live forever

oh... wow.

Well... I am for REAL not a kissing virgin anymore.

that was so bizarre. Nothing like I expected.

A lot wetter. Definitely.

...

Such wierd things went through my mind...

our stomachs touching

"I promised myself I wouldn't break away as soon this time"

5 o'clock shadow on my cheek

our lips are nesting

like the movies

everything's going so fast

am I doing this right?

was that tounge? Or teeth? Both?!

He says something.... sounds are muffled

I can get the door on my own... Really, I'm capable.

wiping spit off my mouth when he's out of sight.

What. Just. Happened.


Why do I feel so unexcited? Where was the rush? Why do I still feel like I have saliva on my face?


WHY CAN'T I JUST BE HAPPY??

it used to be the reason to breathe but now it's choking me up

I hate how I operate.

So I talked to Colby tonight online. Convo was going really slow so I thought I'd bring up... her. I thought I could handle it... I was wrong.

I don't know why I do things like that to myself.

I miss the way things used to be... before they got awkward. I don't know what happened or if it was my fault or what, but it's not the same anymore and it hurts so much.

MANNN!!!


ugghh.


and three cheers for staph infections. NOT!!

xxoo

I'm an animal trapped in your hot car

Hi.

Well I really don't have that much to say today. I just remembered that I was going to blog the other night, so I'm doing it now... go figure.

I almost fell asleep whilst standing on a step ladder today. It was really awkward. I need to not spend so much time doing nothing. It's really bad.

Concerts, concerts, concerts! I guess I'm going to a casting crowns concert in the near future. Which may or may not conflict with me possibly going to a RACONTEURS concert!!!! OH MAN!! Another chance to see the steaming hot JACK WHITE in person with my own two eyeballs. There are two days of shows, so maybe... we'll see. I would SO MUCH RATHER go to the raconteurs concert, but I already said I was going to go to the casting crowns one with Michael. I've never even heard Casting Crowns.....

*goes off to search for some sample tracks*

Hmmm.... they sound a lot like a countryish version of Third Day.... meh.

Well... The raconteurs show IS on two different days..... maybe there's still a chance.

haha the band members of Casting Crowns look kind of really old. Laaaaame saaaaaauce.

Hahah it's all good though.

I'm really nervous to actually make out with michael. Like... kissing him is ok (when I actually hit his mouth.... yeah, don't you say a word or you'll be late.... THE late that is.) But.... I've never done what you might call.... extended kissing. And I shouldn't be nervous about it. How can you really go wrong? Wait.... hahahahha ohhhh man.

I just wish that he'd take the lead. Like just.... go for it. I feel like it's on my shoulders. Not where it should be.

He gave me an undershirt of his. I am wearing it right now. It has a disturbing stain right about where his left nipple would be.... I hope it's just a coincidence. It smells a lot like him. And tide to go, which I should mention smells AWFUL!!! OH MAN!! Plus I keep smelling my chemically hands which is not helping.

Apparently Michael wears OLD SCHOOL old spice, not the axe type stuff.... which is kind of funny because his sister wears (A LOT) of Charlie..... Classics never die... I guess.

Well I suppose I should do work. Ok.

xoxoxo

i know that you love someone, but that someone isn't me

Hello.

Well, it's been an interesting couple of days...weeks.....whatever.

So I'm changing my major to public relations with a MINOR... in Graphic Design. Good move on my part I think. I'm really starting to enjoy my graphic design class... mostly coz I get to be creative in a decidedly artistic way. Hopefully the two things will be a good combo.

I never really talked to any of the professors, but... I figured that whomever I talked to would be pretty biased one way or another, so.... what's the point? Plus Jeremy Moore gave me some packets about different careers which I think is going to be the most unbiased information I can get.

College is going to be a lot more expensive this coming year. Which sucks. Coz I know dad is going to be ripped when he finds out. Plus I feel bad because my GPA is a bit lackluster which is also a bit of an understatement... of the century, but whatever. Yeah. It sucks. I'm getting better at school though I think... I hope... meh.

I hate dissapointing people... especially myself.

Next topic.

I was feeling kind of wierd about the whole Michael thing for a bit. I was kind of worried he was getting a little serious about this whole relationship thing. But, I realized that.... he's really not. So all is good!

I was feeling like maybe he liked me more than I liked him and that generally sucks. But I think I'm getting more comfortable with him, which is really good. I'm hoping that he's getting more relaxed around me too, it seems that way. It's good. I'm happier about it. At least today I am. Who knows about tomorrow.

Ryan keeps promising to hang out with me sometime. I actually got to have what one might call a face-to-face conversation with him the other day, which was really nice. He's fun to talk to. As I've probably mentioned before. Yeah... I have.

lalalalalalalala.

I get to meet both of Michael's parents tomorrow. Joy. Unbound. Hahah I shouldn't be like that, his mom was really nice. I just hope it's not like some kind of interview... "Do you have any plans for deflowring our son? You look like a deviant. You better not be if you know what's good for you..." hahah I don't expect that. I really don't know WHAT to expect. But I guess we're going out to eat or something before vespers. I wonder if Lisa's boyfriend will be involved in this outing too. At least the pressure won't be completely on me. Muahahaha.

Well whatever. I'm good enough for Michael. So far anyway. hahahah.

I feel half empty tonight. Time for bed.

you'll burn in hell for your sins

Welp!
I am dating Michael.

It's going well so far. I'm like giddy-happy around him, which is nice. I wish he would relax, he always seems so nervous to me. There's really no need, I'm the last person to be nervous around. We held hands tonight for the first time... well unless you count dancing, where hand-holding is an unavoidable necessity. hahaha aaaanyway.

It's not quiiiite how I imagined, but I'm not sure exactly what it was I imagined in the first place anyway, so... yeah.

I don't know if I'm a gentleman's lady. I somehow doubt it.

But I'm still happy, so as far as I'm concerned, that's all that matters.

Maybe I'm somehow being uptight too, just in a different sort of way.


Amanda LeFurgy: making boys nervous from day one.



I went to get career councelling. It went kind of bad at first because I may have said that I have feelings of worthlessness and that I sometimes think about hurting myself and I have self-image issues. That did not start us out on the right foot. But I sort of felt that my problems needed attention from SOMEONE, so... yeah.

A little overdramatic? Maybe

Anyhoo, he said Journalism was right for me. Kind of dissappointing, but... not at the same time, so that's good. I guess?

I'm hungry. And have nothing to eat. And need to stop talking to Ehren and go to SLEEP.

Goodnight
♥

you're pulling out the best in me, yeah, which never, ever comes

Yay I have the room to myself for the WHOLE WEEKEND!!!

IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES!!

mostly, I've just been going around in my unda-pants. Something I miss doing strangely enough.

It's still a pigstye in here. I was going to clean, I started to clean, but she is still messy. Possibly worse than before... somehow.

Went to vespers with Michael. That was fun, but vespers gets over at kind of an awkward time. There's still the whole evening to blow and nothing really to do except to get love tips from Dr. Bietz....hhhhhhhhhhhhha. So I ended up going and hanging out with Sarah and her friends. They seem pretty cool. A couple of them used to be (possibly still are) into drugs, so, par usuale, that made things exciting.... somehow.

Walked RIGHT BY Ryan on the stairs tonight and I was all "ryanmoore" and nothing. He was talking to someone but he could have at least given me a nod or something. I texted him a few hours ago but I haven't heard back. So THAT kind of pissed me off.

Might go dancing again tomorrow. Woohooo?

And sunday, I'm supposed to go to Michael's sister's house to eat. So that should be fun.

Hahah I'm a mobster in Sonrise. That starts tuesday and I really hope it doesn't eat up my time too much. Because we all know how much I love to do homework. Or at least how long it takes me to do. Ha rumph.

Jen and I had a heart-to-heart about boys the other day. I love those kinds of conversations. It started with me asking her if I should go out with Michael and ended with us talking about how much sex might hurt the first time. Which as I think about it is not that much of a stretch.

Tired.
bed.
no makeup removal.
Still miss everything.
Still confused.
Still frusturated.
Still mad at myself for... everything.
bed.
goodnight.
♥

your promises, they look like lies

well... yep!

Hahah went dancing again. It was pretty sweet, not quite as much fun as last time, mostly coz it was super packed. I didn't get to dance with as many different people, but it was still pretty fun and I'm def. getting better at it. I spent like the whole day with Michael, which was cool, but kind of wierd, coz Sarah was there too. That was no problem, but... yeah it was different.

oh man I don't know how I feel about Michael. I'm not sure if I like him enough to go out with him. I hate feeling blase about people. I don't know, I guess we'll just see how it goes.

He went to black christian union church service with Sarah and Sahale and I and we accidentially ended up sitting really near his ex-girlfriend. Good grief she's ugly. Hahaha, I should talk.

man I am a horrible person.

At any rate, I don't want to be unfair to anyone. I sort of wish he could be more relaxed. I guess I should just not worry about it and like Sarah said, just give off a friendly vibe, which is what I hope I've been doing the whole time.

bfidehgfoidjfkeutegkdf

ha.

bye!

<3

she goes down like the setting sun

Well, here I am.

12... almost 1 on a Sunday morning/saturday night. Supposed to be reading for philosophy, but... yeah I start being stupid around 11 usually, so smartnesswise, it's all downhill from that point on.

Yep... haven't called Ryan. I am so freaking scared to though... I don't know why. I really want to call him and whatever, but I can't! There's some sort of barrier, I don't know what it is, maybe it has something to do with the time I tried to call him and it ended in a big clump of awkward.

I don' t knoooooowww!! It's all so frusturating.

Sort of got asked to vespers by Michael. Yeah idk, it was kind of wierd. He texted me and told me to tell Jen he "bought the hats" (hahah he bought these two hats that look like the one that South African dance instructor has... pretty sure he's michaels's hero.) So I was like "way to talk to Jen through me." Then he was all "I'm sorry! Do you want to go to vespers with me?" I think he used the word "escort" but... that word wierds me out. So I was like "Yes but can we bring Jen?" It was supposed to be funny, but he didn't really get it which kind of dissappointed us.

So ANYWAY, we went to Vespers and ran into Chris, so Jen and I promptly started giving each other a hard time about the boys... pretty funny. She SAYS she doesn't like Chris, but... yeah I don't know, she probably doesn't. I think he likes her though and they're always talking about me and Michael.

I don't know if I want to go out with him now/later/ever or what. He's really cool and I've kind of had a crush on him for a while, but I kind of like all of us hanging out. At least for now. I dunno, I think I get slightly wierded out by guys being all proper and shit. Is that bad? It might be. Guys holding doors open makes me uncomfortable kind of. Well not necessarily them holding open doors, but that kind of thing. I guess I just don't like being fawned over too much. Like once in a while is nice, but a steady diet and it stops meaning as much.

I think I'm just really immature.

And I think I want to call ryan right now. But I'm not going to. But I should. Because I think he's still up. But I don't KNOW that, so I'm not going to. But I'll call him tomorrow before the thing.

yeah there's some symphony orchestra thing going on at 7 somehting tomorrow that Michael asked me to go to. I'm thinking about it if I'm not still swamped with homework. I like going to musical events. Especially when there's convo credit and acne infested band geeks who love the office as much as I do involved :]

I miss talking to Ryan.

<33

15 steps, then a sheer drop

yay blog entry!

I honestly don't know why I can't keep this freaking thing up. Tried to make an entry last night and failed miserably. I couldn't even keep focused enough to write one paragraph. hah whatever though.

It took me sooooo long to finally rid myself of Todd. Freaking redic (Let's say freaking one more time.........................freakin'... right) hahahaah tired. But yeah, I had to write this letter that explained how I'm still trying to get my life together and whatever and how it wouldn't be healthy for either one of us to spend time together like... alone. Seriously though, what's the point? I have no desire to ever.... EVER go out with him again, and he really needs to find a girlfriend from what I hear him say. He's all "I hate being single, it blows so hard!!!!!!!" to Sarah all the time, and he used to be like that to me, but I must have done something to make him stop or whatever.

Wheellll... enough bitching on THAT subject.

I'm taking some sweet classes this semester. Philosophy is fuuuuuunnn.... need to read for that soon. I'm so excited about photography, even though my pictures didn't exactly turn out amazing this time around. Whatever though, I'm hopefull for the next go-round. Developing film is such a rush! When I'm doing it, I always want to do it exactly right since I spent so much time actually taking the pictures. Whatever, it's fun.

I went swing dancing for the first time this weekend. It was sooo awesome! Jen and I went with Michael and Chris and Michael's sister. I forget her name, but she was in my writing for the media class. She's a really, really good dancer. Chris wasn't going to dance at first, but he ended up dancing.... twice. Hahah, he and Jen are soooo much alike at times. Redic. They would make the cutest couple ever. So I ended up dancing with Michael (a lot. He's pretty good. He taught me a lot of twirls and dips and whatnot), some guy Michael knows from Orchestra, Chris, Jen and then this dance instructor dude with a sweet british-y accent. He was really good and taught me the cha-cha, which I have promptly forgotten. But he was really cool. Hahahah unfortunately, I wore this full skirt, so I guess one time my underwear became apparent and Jen of course cracked up majorly. I'm kind of an idiot but it was the twirliest skirt I have so... haha well... I guess I'll know better next time.

So yeah, that was fun.

Sarah and Brittany came up to SEYC this weekend too. Sarah stayed in our room which was cool. I really miss her. I hope I can keep my sanity the rest of this semester.

Ryan and Deanna broke uppppp!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!!! I'm calling him later today, which will mark about the second time we have talked on the phone since I got here. RAWR!!! I miss talking to him too. I may be able to do more of that now that he's not with her. Not that that was really the thing stopping me from talking to him anyway.... whatever, I'm really nervous about calling him for some reason. I am the biggest wimp.... EVER.

And I miss Colby.

And Matt.

And Mom.

And Jennifer.

And my bed.

I feel so alone and separated from everything. I hate it so much. And what's worse is I don't know whose fault it is.

Well I think I'm all typed out for now.

I'll try to be better about writing more regularly. It should be pretty easy. hahahahaha.... ahhh man.

<33