Had a nice long nap today… probably couldn’t sleep if I tried…
Actually… I could go to sleep without trying. I just don’t want to.
Got off the phone with Ryan lil wile ago. That went well. Really well. Really nice conversation. Good to talk to him. Not much to talk about, but it’s ok. I tend to always feel like if something is wrong, that it’s my fault. Guess I need to… not think that…
It’s amazing when your brain shuts off… like mine is right now.
I guess I’m supposed to hang out with Josh tomorrow. I don’t know how that’s gonna work what with my crapload of crap to do… but I really should spend some time with him, since he’s my prom date and all. I’m getting the vibe that he likes me as more than a friend and I won’t lie… it’s making me uncomfortable.
I haven’t talked to Todd in a while… he said he’d message me someday… that day has yet to come… I wish I was busy like everyone else… hmmm.
Me and ryan’s conversations are really freaking platonic. I don’t know what it is I really want out of them, but… yeah. Like whenever I’m on the phone with Todd, he’ll talk about relationship type stuff. That never comes up with Ryan. Well it did, but it hasn’t lately. Actually we talked about that a lot, but not recently. Like the closest it’s gotten was when he was talking about messing with one of my pictures in photoshop and how he couldn’t take his eyes off it. Actually that’s pretty non-platonic as phone conversations go… huh. Well I guess I’m worried about nothing.
I wish I could make sense right now… Not possible at two in the morning I do believe.
Kinda hungry… nope not going to do anything about that.
I don’t know why I’m feeling depressed right now. I wish I knew what to do about it. Frusturating.
Is this what you call the mean reds?
<33
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
All around the mullberry bush
Well I got all worked up for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
The whole Strawberry Festival experience was nothing like how I had imagined it. Although I really don’t know what it was that I was expecting. I saw Ryan for maybe… a minute. Maybe. And of course my mouth decided to not do anything the whole time which was AWESOME. He’s like “Half the words I’ve ever written I’ve written to you” and of course I just stood there and smiled. Wow. I just finished writing him a little letter to excuse my mute behavior. But I got to hug him and he smelled nice (thanks to me I do believe… hahah maybe not.) I guess there’s still tomorrow to look forward to, but I highly doubt anything of interest is gonna go down.
It was kind of quiet on the car ride down to Strawberry fest, but other than that, everything with Sarah went well I thought. Of course I don’t think I’m as in tune to that sort of thing anymore, as I didn’t have any idea there was a problem last time. Whatever. I certainly do what I can to be helpful. Does it work most of the time? That’s a big fat NO.
Drank a Rockstar today. I felt soooo nauseous after. I had the fruit kind which tasted pretty good, but landed like lead. I’m still wide awake. But I have really nothing to do, so I guess I’m going to sleep. MEHHHHH.
This post doesn’t even deserve a title.
Angry kisses, Amanda
The whole Strawberry Festival experience was nothing like how I had imagined it. Although I really don’t know what it was that I was expecting. I saw Ryan for maybe… a minute. Maybe. And of course my mouth decided to not do anything the whole time which was AWESOME. He’s like “Half the words I’ve ever written I’ve written to you” and of course I just stood there and smiled. Wow. I just finished writing him a little letter to excuse my mute behavior. But I got to hug him and he smelled nice (thanks to me I do believe… hahah maybe not.) I guess there’s still tomorrow to look forward to, but I highly doubt anything of interest is gonna go down.
It was kind of quiet on the car ride down to Strawberry fest, but other than that, everything with Sarah went well I thought. Of course I don’t think I’m as in tune to that sort of thing anymore, as I didn’t have any idea there was a problem last time. Whatever. I certainly do what I can to be helpful. Does it work most of the time? That’s a big fat NO.
Drank a Rockstar today. I felt soooo nauseous after. I had the fruit kind which tasted pretty good, but landed like lead. I’m still wide awake. But I have really nothing to do, so I guess I’m going to sleep. MEHHHHH.
This post doesn’t even deserve a title.
Angry kisses, Amanda
Saturday, April 21, 2007
so give me black lights, so give me hot nights
Well it appears that the vacations to end all vacations (….. hahahah) is soon to come to a close.
Maaaaan!
Tomorrow I go to southern to visit Sarah and everyone. I’m pretty nervous, but I think I’m getting less and less nervous as time goes on. Sarah finally wrote back, and she really sounds happy that I’m coming, so that makes me feel good. Apparently, Ryan is in the hospital (!!!) He thought he had bronchitis, but apparently it’s something else. Sarah didn’t say exactly what it was, but it’s bad enough to put him in the hospital. I’m steadily becoming less and less nervous about this whole visit thing. I still really don’t think I’ll be seeing Todd, but… ehh what am I supposed to do?
It’s been a little like hell being so close to my family these past few days. At the last place we stayed, there were SO MANY surfer dudes, and some were really hott, but they were all really intimidating. I felt about five. Mostly because mum and dad were there I guess, but I don’t know. I do know it would have been a lot less uncomfortable for me if they hadn’t been there. But whatever.
Really bored. Saturday vacations get really slow.
Write more after the Southern experience! (SOOOO NERVOUSSSS!!!)
XXX Amanda
Maaaaan!
Tomorrow I go to southern to visit Sarah and everyone. I’m pretty nervous, but I think I’m getting less and less nervous as time goes on. Sarah finally wrote back, and she really sounds happy that I’m coming, so that makes me feel good. Apparently, Ryan is in the hospital (!!!) He thought he had bronchitis, but apparently it’s something else. Sarah didn’t say exactly what it was, but it’s bad enough to put him in the hospital. I’m steadily becoming less and less nervous about this whole visit thing. I still really don’t think I’ll be seeing Todd, but… ehh what am I supposed to do?
It’s been a little like hell being so close to my family these past few days. At the last place we stayed, there were SO MANY surfer dudes, and some were really hott, but they were all really intimidating. I felt about five. Mostly because mum and dad were there I guess, but I don’t know. I do know it would have been a lot less uncomfortable for me if they hadn’t been there. But whatever.
Really bored. Saturday vacations get really slow.
Write more after the Southern experience! (SOOOO NERVOUSSSS!!!)
XXX Amanda
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
stretches out like branches of a poplar tree, she says "i am free"
Hello from North Carolina!! Wooo hooo! Tan self, here I come!!
Yesterday went really well, no car trouble or anything. It’s still really cold (only… oh wait it’s 57. Nevermind!) It was snowing when we left, which was kinda depressing. We stopped at Jerry’s Artarama, which was an amazing(ly overwhelming) experience. I ended up spending waay too much on a little watercolor palette and a Moleskine watercolor notebook. It was worth it though I think. I promised myself I wouldn’t buy anything that I could get back home… although I could have easily bought those things at home… whatever. From now on… The room we stayed in last night was pretty freakin’ sweet. The light outside the room was the only one in the hallway that was flickering. And we had not much hot water. But the beds were pretty comfy and there was WiFi, which brings me to my next topic…
Sarah wrote me this really long letter about how she felt we were drifting apart and stuff. I was really glad to get it because Ryan kept telling me she was really mad at me and I needed to talk to her. But of course he wouldn’t say why because he “didn’t want to get in the middle of it.” Useless… But anyway, it was really good to finally hear what the issue was (although I think I already knew what the problem was subconsciously. Just really good to get it all out in the open without a lot of assumptions.) She offered to let me stay in her room with her on Sunday night and I said yes, but I’ve been thinking that maybe that’s not what I want to do. She said she’d understand if I said no, so it’s all good hopefully. I was basically just really relieved to get that letter from her. It should make my visit a lot less awkward.
Hmmm… not much new I guess. I’ve been talking to Aaron Drost online… wondering if that’s a good plan or not. Gaaah!! It’s weird because a lot of people that annoy my friends don’t annoy me as much. Which makes it really hard sometimes. I don’t know. I’m just going to make it crystal clear that I’m only interested in being friends.
Friday, Josh “officially” asked me to prom with a flower. It was very sweet if not somewhat unnecessary. He asked for my house/cell numbers, which I gave him. Don’t know if that was a good plan or not, but guys usually don’t remember to call anyway, so it’s all good. I guess I wouldn’t mind hanging out, but the whole point in me going to prom with him was because we were friends. Josh is super flirty with any girl who looks at him sideways, so it’s probably just how it’s going to be. Whaaatever.
I need to work on that newspaper now I guess… don’t want to… at all really… Mum keeps nagging. I wish she’d realize that that’s NOT going to make me go aaany faster.
Really nervous about Sunday… There’s this thing called “Strawberry Festival” at the school that I’m going to be at. It’s showcasing what everyone has been working on all year. Then there’s supposed to be some party type thing going on afterwards, and that’s what I’m the most nervous about. I really need to just relax and be myself, because if I stay nervous like I am right now just thinking about it I’m bound to do something stupid. I keep going over it again and again in my mind. I even dreamed about it last night. Funny that I even dream in awkward. I asked Todd if he was going to be able to come see me and he said he probably would be able to, but I kind of doubt it for some reason. He also told me that he told Sarah he likes her and she is now acting really weird, and he took that as a sign from God that he should stay single for now. Which, at the time, made me kind of depressed, but thinking about it now, it shouldn’t have made me sad because for now could be… a long time. Ehhh, I tend to put all my eggs in one basket. Bad plan.
Well I’m feeling a tad nauseous now, so I’ll write more later. Probably in floridaaaahhhh!! Wooo hooo!!! Oh wow I need to calm down.
<33 Amanda
Yesterday went really well, no car trouble or anything. It’s still really cold (only… oh wait it’s 57. Nevermind!) It was snowing when we left, which was kinda depressing. We stopped at Jerry’s Artarama, which was an amazing(ly overwhelming) experience. I ended up spending waay too much on a little watercolor palette and a Moleskine watercolor notebook. It was worth it though I think. I promised myself I wouldn’t buy anything that I could get back home… although I could have easily bought those things at home… whatever. From now on… The room we stayed in last night was pretty freakin’ sweet. The light outside the room was the only one in the hallway that was flickering. And we had not much hot water. But the beds were pretty comfy and there was WiFi, which brings me to my next topic…
Sarah wrote me this really long letter about how she felt we were drifting apart and stuff. I was really glad to get it because Ryan kept telling me she was really mad at me and I needed to talk to her. But of course he wouldn’t say why because he “didn’t want to get in the middle of it.” Useless… But anyway, it was really good to finally hear what the issue was (although I think I already knew what the problem was subconsciously. Just really good to get it all out in the open without a lot of assumptions.) She offered to let me stay in her room with her on Sunday night and I said yes, but I’ve been thinking that maybe that’s not what I want to do. She said she’d understand if I said no, so it’s all good hopefully. I was basically just really relieved to get that letter from her. It should make my visit a lot less awkward.
Hmmm… not much new I guess. I’ve been talking to Aaron Drost online… wondering if that’s a good plan or not. Gaaah!! It’s weird because a lot of people that annoy my friends don’t annoy me as much. Which makes it really hard sometimes. I don’t know. I’m just going to make it crystal clear that I’m only interested in being friends.
Friday, Josh “officially” asked me to prom with a flower. It was very sweet if not somewhat unnecessary. He asked for my house/cell numbers, which I gave him. Don’t know if that was a good plan or not, but guys usually don’t remember to call anyway, so it’s all good. I guess I wouldn’t mind hanging out, but the whole point in me going to prom with him was because we were friends. Josh is super flirty with any girl who looks at him sideways, so it’s probably just how it’s going to be. Whaaatever.
I need to work on that newspaper now I guess… don’t want to… at all really… Mum keeps nagging. I wish she’d realize that that’s NOT going to make me go aaany faster.
Really nervous about Sunday… There’s this thing called “Strawberry Festival” at the school that I’m going to be at. It’s showcasing what everyone has been working on all year. Then there’s supposed to be some party type thing going on afterwards, and that’s what I’m the most nervous about. I really need to just relax and be myself, because if I stay nervous like I am right now just thinking about it I’m bound to do something stupid. I keep going over it again and again in my mind. I even dreamed about it last night. Funny that I even dream in awkward. I asked Todd if he was going to be able to come see me and he said he probably would be able to, but I kind of doubt it for some reason. He also told me that he told Sarah he likes her and she is now acting really weird, and he took that as a sign from God that he should stay single for now. Which, at the time, made me kind of depressed, but thinking about it now, it shouldn’t have made me sad because for now could be… a long time. Ehhh, I tend to put all my eggs in one basket. Bad plan.
Well I’m feeling a tad nauseous now, so I’ll write more later. Probably in floridaaaahhhh!! Wooo hooo!!! Oh wow I need to calm down.
<33 Amanda
Sunday, April 01, 2007
it's impossible to ignore you
Terrible news…
I feel so dead inside… which is completely ridiculous.
I hate everything.
Ok well… I got a text from Todd this morning and he’s all “I’m gonna ask sarah on a date!”
Why the HELL would he tell me that? After everything he’s said to me. Pig.
Pig!! PIG, PIG, PIG!!!
What am I even supposed to SAY to that?!? Does he really expect me to throw him a bloody party? What?
So my response was “oh……. That’s cool.” Lame I know, but I don’t want… him to know… HOW MUCH OF AN ASS HE IS JUST YET!!!
This really hurts. It shouldn’t. He shouldn’t have said that shit if he didn’t mean it. I shouldn’t have bought it.
On the plus side I can finally start going to bed at a decent hour….
*CRY*CRY*CRY*CRY*CRY*CRY*CRY*CRY*
At least I’m glad he didn’t tell me before pizazz. I would have sung like complete crap.
Pizazz went pretty good.
I want to talk to him so much right now… but not on the phone. WHICH REMINDS ME OF YESTERDAY.
AND I QUOTE: {me first}
“Did I catch you in the middle of something?”
“No I just wanted to call you and say hi coz I missed you.”
“Yeah I know we haven’t talked in forever.”
{And by forever I mean a week. Almost}
“How late will you be up?”
{He wants more of our amazing conversations}
“I’m not going to be home till late, call me tomorrow”
“Mmmmmm I”ll call you later on tonight.”
{And he did. But luckily I missed the call and I didn’t call him back.}
Why would anyone do that to me? I have never done anything to deserve this. I have THE WORST luck when it comes to guys. THE ABSOLUTE WORST.
Ok I’m done.
<33
I feel so dead inside… which is completely ridiculous.
I hate everything.
Ok well… I got a text from Todd this morning and he’s all “I’m gonna ask sarah on a date!”
Why the HELL would he tell me that? After everything he’s said to me. Pig.
Pig!! PIG, PIG, PIG!!!
What am I even supposed to SAY to that?!? Does he really expect me to throw him a bloody party? What?
So my response was “oh……. That’s cool.” Lame I know, but I don’t want… him to know… HOW MUCH OF AN ASS HE IS JUST YET!!!
This really hurts. It shouldn’t. He shouldn’t have said that shit if he didn’t mean it. I shouldn’t have bought it.
On the plus side I can finally start going to bed at a decent hour….
*CRY*CRY*CRY*CRY*CRY*CRY*CRY*CRY*
At least I’m glad he didn’t tell me before pizazz. I would have sung like complete crap.
Pizazz went pretty good.
I want to talk to him so much right now… but not on the phone. WHICH REMINDS ME OF YESTERDAY.
AND I QUOTE: {me first}
“Did I catch you in the middle of something?”
“No I just wanted to call you and say hi coz I missed you.”
“Yeah I know we haven’t talked in forever.”
{And by forever I mean a week. Almost}
“How late will you be up?”
{He wants more of our amazing conversations}
“I’m not going to be home till late, call me tomorrow”
“Mmmmmm I”ll call you later on tonight.”
{And he did. But luckily I missed the call and I didn’t call him back.}
Why would anyone do that to me? I have never done anything to deserve this. I have THE WORST luck when it comes to guys. THE ABSOLUTE WORST.
Ok I’m done.
<33
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