but I turn him on, and he comes to life, automatic joy

SO, just as I suspected, my next post is from school!

And I should be writing a paper right now!

But I'm not!

Alright!

Just had an interesting convo with my friend Donnie. We've kind of been hanging out lately, and it's not that I like him or anything, he's just good guy friend material. And I really like hanging out with him. Anyways, tonight he's all "Where are we in your head?" And of course I said "well I guess we're just friends right?" And he seemed all relieved and stuff, so I guess I didn't go and mess something up.

But I can't really shake this feeling that because I don't like him and he may or may not like me, that there's no reason for him to hang out with me anymore. I know it's stupid and (hopefully) untrue, but I just really really really want things to keep going the way they are. I'm worried that if he did like me (which hopefully he didn't) and now he knows I don't like him that way that I won't really matter anymore. Sort of an "on to the next thing" situation. I guess I'll have to save the next awkward convo for tomorrow, coz Michael might be in his room. Uh ohs. He's been kinda... ugh idk, I'm sure I'm being just as weird to him as he is to me, so.... moot point there.

I just have so few actual friends here that I really want to keep the ones I do have. And it's nice having a guy friend that Jennifer isn't a third wheel party to. Not that I minded that, it's just... nice not to have to not mind that.

In other news...

So Sarah and I are trying to find a time to go to North Carolina to visit Josh. Sarah had a rather long text fest with Ralph in an effort to get in touch with Josh. Sarah mentioned to her something about how we were planning to go visit and Ralph promptly gave her Josh's itinerary for the next.... month and a half basically. He seems pretty booked up, according to her anyway (I have this horrible craving for ricotta cheese all of a sudden. RAR I hate the 1:00 munchies.) But probably before we get a chance to go down there, Josh will be up here to visit for View Southern, at which time, Sarah and I are hopefully going to steal him away for a night out in Chattanooga. Which will be AWESOME! I'm reallyreallyreally hoping he doesn't beg to bring Ralph along because surely I will ralph if she comes. I'm sort of anxious to see how he acts around her. Haven't really gotten to witness that yet.

Oh and I guess it's all a go for her whole family to go visit the cotes during mid-semester break for A WHOLE WEEK! That seems incredibly rude to me. However, it may or may not be the turning point (for the worst hopefully) in their relationship. Jen has promised to give me full details of the visit (She is NOT AT ALL looking forward to seeing Ralph. As none of us really are.)

I feel kind of like a huge butt for saying all these bad things about her if indeed she and he are supposed to work out. But to be quite honest, I hope things don't and I'm wondering more and more if it might not be a bad idea for me to at some point tell him how I really feel. I keep wondering if maybe that's why he's still with her. I dunno.

I am in need of some retail therapy. I need a trip to Vickie's. I'm really hoping that Sharon sends me a giftcard and soon.

But now... my head feels like exploding, so I should go to bed.

I hope everything works out... man I am so angst-ridden.