Dear Josh...

Hey.

I really wish I’d done this last night, back when emotions were running high and thoughts were clear and sharp as a razor blade. Yeah, you know I’m the BS master.

But I’m being serious now. Even if it is rather corny…

I went through so much last night. Sadness, anger, empathy, self-loathing, and more regret than is imaginable.

I thought I would be ok. I hardly ever cry. I usually only cry at stupid little things that mean nothing. Never anything important, like the death of relatives. But I saw Jen crying Saturday night, and I knew you two liked each other and how hard this must be for her. I went in after her and Sarah and gave her a hug and I just broke down. The realization that we would all never be together again like we were and the fact that I had lost my best guy friend just came crashing down on me. Sort of like an anvil in those Road Runner cartoons.

And the entire time, all I could think about was how mean to you I have been. How I should have taken more advantage of our time together after I found out you were leaving. And how much I wished I had cried before you left, just so you could see how much you meant to me. To everyone.

All I could think to say to you when you left was “Kick their butts.” How truly uncreative and SAD is that??!!?

The horrible part about it was that I felt like I had no call to cry over your leaving. Almost like I didn’t deserve to cry, or to have any emotion about it at all. Your dad kept going on about how I was the one that got away. That made me feel so guilty. I should have just repressed all that little brother bullshit and gone out with you. It probably would have been the best decision I ever could have made. But Jen probably deserves you waay more than I ever could. She was inconsolable last night. Erica cried too. She was upset that she wasn’t there that last Wednesday.

I guess what we all have to realize is that the past is in the past and we just have to make the best of whatever we have left.

What worries me more than anything is that you’ll forget us back here once you have all your new friends, and you’ll never want to come back and see us. Please don’t forget us up here all by ourselves. Soon it’ll only be the manning girls and…that’s it.

I really really REALLLLY hope you hate it down there. We all do.

Love, Amanda.

xxx