and then as you read my words out loud, make me sound genius

Sooo, the sweet, sweet summer of aught ten is over and I'm back in College for the LAST ROUND of student-dome.

*SIIIIIIIGHHHHHHHHHcrrrrryyyyyyyy*

So Ben and I finally ended up dating (and REALLY making out......SOOOO GOOOD!!!)

For like... two and a half months.

Going into it, I knew it would be over with the summer. I had no idea how painful it would be though. None whatsoever. Not even a HINT of how much it would suck.

It sucks.... A FREAKIN' LOT.

But I'm trying to focus on other things... like... learning to love myself and the world at large. And how to do homework.

I'm actually doing pretty well with homework.

This is the first week I've been here without him, so it's important that I keep that in mind. Everything will start to dull with time, life will get easier to live, I'll be able to focus on being an adult...or....something.

AHHHHH I FEEL SO ALONE!! I"M DYING OFCANCER!!! I"M NOT GOING TO GRADUATE!!!! I DON'T LOVE GOD OR PEOPLE IN NEED!!!! I ONLY CARE ABOUT MYSELF!!! I"VE LET MY FAMILY DOWN!!!! I"M NEVER GOING TO SURVIVE BY MYSELF IN THE REAL WORLD!!!!! IF JEN BLOWS HER NOSE ONE MORE TIME I MAY HAVE TO SHOOT HER IN THE FACEEE!!!!! NOBODY WILL EVER WANT TO MARRY ME THAT I ACTUALLY WANT TO MARRY BACK!!!

Oh man... I need some serious help.

Those are all things I'm thinking right now, but now that I've typed them out they seem really stupid.

God, please take this away from my heart... fill me with your love. Help me think clearly again.

ahh... I feel better now...

I still miss Ben though. I hope I don't stop.

I hope he's worth missing. I'm beginning to wonder.

Mum just called. I'm kind of giving her the freeze-out for a conversation we had last night about me failing Bible. ONE class out of the 8395084350934 I've taken these four years. It's not like I can fix it now. One more reason to feel like shit.

And it's really only hurting me because she's like one of the only people I have to reach out to... so it's basically adding to my loneliness. So I should probably stop holding grudges... maybe I'll call her back... yeah. kay I'm gonna go.