tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-228463632012-01-27T18:34:58.922-05:00The ravings {and so forth} of one very dysfunctional person.that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.comBlogger1161100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-77173311930889225302012-01-27T17:44:00.002-05:002012-01-27T18:34:58.932-05:00Wow! It has been a while and a half!<div><br /></div><div>Hot dang! Six years of boy angst! This is crazy ness. And I promise not to disappoint this time either!</div><div><br /></div><div>Sooo I've been a post-grad for quite a while now... Good sized chunk of months. </div><div><br /></div><div>Still no real job. I like to blame that on a cocktail of Poor Economy, Long Distance Boyfriend, and just a daaaaaash of laziness.</div><div><br /></div><div>Yep. That's why!</div><div><br /></div><div>Also Yep. Long distance boyfriend!</div><div><br /></div><div>Tyler and I started dating on the SECOND TO LAST DAY of our college careers. A bold move to be sure, but it's been a good one so far. Most all of my grad money and what was left of my rich aunt inheritance went toward plane tickets (did I mention he lives in Canada? The opposite side of it?) But it was worth it.</div><div><br /></div><div>For the past... coming up on three and for the following three, Tyler is/will be in Guyana on what can only be described as a... fact-finding tour for himself. Dahhh, I've been TELLING people that he's there to shoot promotional videos for Wings for Humanity, but really... he's homeschooling some bratty missionary children at no cost to their parents and $4,000 worth of donations that Tyler had to come up with. It's a crooked system as far as I'm concerned.</div><div><br /></div><div>Anyway, I try really hard to be supportive, but I think a lot of the time it shows that I'm not. And in all honesty, I think that his being there is a really bad idea, no matter what he says about it. Any sort of personal growth that comes from this he could have experienced in a place that had at least half decent internet. Or that was in walking distance from me. Either way.</div><div><br /></div><div>I don't know. Needless to say, these days I'm full of feelings.</div><div><br /></div><div>Which brings me to my next issue...</div><div><br /></div><div>Lately, I've had a case of the 8th-grade-girls (granted, this is probably more of a controlled case... maybe only slightly more come to think of it) and I've developed (what was until I recently told my aunt about it) a secret crush on the newly-returned-to-Maine Josh Dayen. This presents some obvious problems. 1.) I have a boyfriend already who is probably a better match for me anyway. 2.) I'm fairly certain that he has little to no interest in me and a great deal more interest in Celeste. Not so sure if Celeste reciprocates, but that's a little beside the point, since (thanks to my tiptop listening / Facebook stalking skills) he probably likes someone else even more. </div><div><br /></div><div>But since when has THAT stopped me?!</div><div><br /></div><div>Anyway, it's not exactly taking over my life by any means, so I'm not going to talk about it to anyone unless it actually turns into a thing. So far, it's only kind of a thing. I can't really see the harm in a little secret crush... but... I'm pretty sure I'm already planning on getting to know Josh better, which makes me feel like a jerk.</div><div><br /></div><div>Well... I have thinking to do I guess.</div><div><br /></div><div>bye!</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-7717331193088922530?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-86575067313316467512011-02-22T14:46:00.004-05:002011-02-22T21:50:17.520-05:00Man.<div><br /></div><div>I've got like... eighth grade, I-love-all-dem-boys syndrome. </div><div><br /></div><div>It changes... WEEKLY. What the crap!</div><div><br /></div><div>Also, I've pretty much lost the ability to do anything productive. I mean I'll study tonight, but after that... it's all downhill. Rough.</div><div><br /></div><div>BREAK! TAKE ME AWAYYYY!!!</div><div><br /></div><div>:(</div><div><br /></div><div>It feels as though boy-chasing is pretty much an exercise in futility at this point since I'm gone in t-67 days. Possibly never to return. I mean things could happen I suppose, but the chances are not good. (HOWEVER... if things go as planned... I might be seeing him four days a week instead of three!... yeah, this needs to stop).</div><div><br /></div><div>But let's face it, none of this is going to keep me from trying. Not these facts, not past experience... yeah not much. But we can hope. That nothing bad happens.</div><div><br /></div><div>What good is a heart if not for breaking?</div><div><br /></div><div>I just really... REALLY have to give this to God because... I don't know what's good for me, I really don't. I have a hard enough time getting adequate nutrition and exercising. And remembering to wash my face before I go to bed and... being professional in general. </div><div><br /></div><div>I'M STILL A CHILD!! I'M A WOMAN-CHILD!!! WHAT IS THIS?!?!</div><div><br /></div><div>How did I miss this? How did I forget to grow up?</div><div><br /></div><div>I really just... I really want to tell him. Honestly, what have I got to lose? </div><div><br /></div><div>Gaaaah I can't do that. I really need to not make things weirder than they already may be. </div><div><br /></div><div>FRICK!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?</div><div><br /></div><div>Maybe we will never know.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-8657506731331646751?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-15437405858212437112011-01-30T19:47:00.002-05:002011-01-30T19:59:23.534-05:00Well, another one bites the dust...<div><br /></div><div>At least for now.</div><div><br /></div><div>Talked to dude last night and he was all telling me about how he asked some chick for her number so they could go get coffee sometime... What the hell! Who does that? And by that I mean tell me about some other girl?</div><div><br /></div><div>Well anyway, yeah that ended before it even started.</div><div><br /></div><div>But I can't feel like that though, because I mean... there was nothing there to begin with. Really. </div><div><br /></div><div>I was talking to Celeste tonight, and it's always been sort of the plan to go live with her when she goes to college. We'd get an apartment together and she'd go to school and I'd work and we'd just be a happy family etc. etc. </div><div><br /></div><div>But this really doesn't leave me much room for a boy... I mean it could, but all I feel like I can see is just miles and miles of man-free road straight, dead ahead. And it's friggin' depressing. </div><div><br /></div><div>Why does it feel like nothing good works out? Blarg. </div><div><br /></div><div>There are so many little pieces that have to fit together JUUUST right (or at least right enough so that nobody cares about the parts that don't fit) for two people to be together. </div><div><br /></div><div>I am really not happy today... This has been a really not happy day.</div><div><br /></div><div>I am going to start exercising as of tomorrow. I have got to boost my morale somehow. AND STOP FUCKING WORRYING ABOUT BOYS. FUCK! It's so stupid!</div><div><br /></div><div>MY HAPPINESS SHOULD NOT HINGE ON ME FINDING SOMEONE TO MARRY SLASH DATE.</div><div><br /></div><div>I don't have time for this bullshit.</div><div><br /></div><div>WOMAN POWER! HUZZAH!</div><div><br /></div><div>whatever.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-1543740585821243711?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-512807796870421382011-01-27T21:11:00.002-05:002011-01-27T22:17:42.548-05:00First semester is DONE son!<div><br /></div><div>Man I can hardly believe it.</div><div><br /></div><div>So much has changed... it's been pretty fantastic actually. </div><div><br /></div><div>Thinking about it now of course, not at the time.</div><div><br /></div><div>Finally have Ben out of my system I think. Whatever's left is basically just smoldering embers of anger. At myself mostly.</div><div><br /></div><div>I say that, I don't know how much I actually mean it.</div><div><br /></div><div>School is swallowing me whole at the moment. 22 credit hours to finish and with God as my witness, I'M GOING TO DO IT!!!</div><div><br /></div><div>This week has been pure merde. I am so exhausted right now... My own fault though, I keep staying up late to talk to Ehren online. I have GOT to get more sleep, it's really rather ridiculous. I'm hoping next week is more of a success (granted this has been our first full week of the semester, so hopefully I'll adjust soon. </div><div><br /></div><div>I am doing a wonderful thing. I am doing a wonderful thing. I am doing a wonderful thing.</div><div><br /></div><div>I've been writing music. Now just need to find a good way to record it and I'll be set. Hah. I really wish my computer came with a microphone. FAIL. Whatever. </div><div><br /></div><div>Well as we all know, I'm not here to talk about school angst. I'm here coz I have BOY ISSUES!!!</div><div><br /></div><div>Let the games begin.</div><div><br /></div><div>Yeah... Some things I've realized (I would get things straightened out senior year. Faaaaail):</div><div><br /></div><div>1.) It's a lot easier to get boys (at least the ones 'round these parts) to talk to you than I once thought. Really all you have to do is approach them first. I added this guy on Facebook and now we're pretty much Law &amp; Ethics buddies. I asked this other guy on my NYC field trip (SUCH A GOOD TIME!!! Pretty much a mini renaissance for me) to go find food with me and now he's shooting me for a CD album project. Unfortunately, these aren't really guys I'm like SOOOPER interested in, but hey, I've got friends now. Friends who are boys. Woot.</div><div><br /></div><div>2.) There are parts of life that are def. better without a boyfriend, however, the opposite is also true. GARGABLAAAARG.</div><div><br /></div><div>3.) I think... even though I have some misgivings about this thought... that I need to not give my heart away so easily. Not that I have or did or anything, but I just... need to keep an eye on that... for sanity's sake. Even after... stuff, I still feel really ready to throw all of myself into someone again. Part of me is glad about that and part of me feels a little afraid</div><div><br /></div><div>I know God's got a plan for me in the man department. There's a man in the plan... hahahaha.</div><div><br /></div><div>Well... there better be anyway.</div><div><br /></div><div>So basically... new boy on the scene...</div><div><br /></div><div>Yeah, no way you didn't see that coming.</div><div><br /></div><div>But, as fate would have it, he lives like ten hours away from here. </div><div><br /></div><div>Friggin' typical, I tell ya. </div><div><br /></div><div>But it's cool though, we text just about every day (well since Monday) and I mean it's not like groundbreaking stuff, just like "How was your day?" whatever. But it makes me happy. And maybe if I keep up, something cool will happen.</div><div><br /></div><div>Well, maybe I'll talk about it more later, I need to do work now.</div><div><br /></div><div>later, chickens.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-51280779687042138?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-51499933299128059442010-10-10T01:54:00.005-04:002010-10-10T02:28:46.017-04:00Wooowww...<div><br /></div><div>One month in and it feels like I just got here. And also like I've been here forever.</div><div><br /></div><div>Steeping myself in academia. Which is not terribly fun, but it's basically a necessity at this point.</div><div><br /></div><div>I have been making friends though. That always feels good. And they're girls too! Which waaayy uncomplicates things. Good, good. Plus they're girls who don't make me want to punch myself in the face (as most girls are wont to make me do)... Well most of them don't anyway. At least not yet.</div><div><br /></div><div>I should be studying right now... big persuasion &amp; propaganda test Monday. Buuut, I'm thinking not much is going to stick anyway, seeing that it's 2 in the morning. I'm basically only awake because of the caffeine. Bad call.</div><div><br /></div><div>Keep running into Donnie... that's not much fun. I would say hi to him when I see him but idk if that is 1.) something he wants me to be doing or 2.) something that is smart to do, given the situation. Honestly, I don't even know what the situation is at this point, probably it's just fizzled into nothingness. Which would be fine.</div><div><br /></div><div>Amazing actually.</div><div><br /></div><div>Still keeping in touch with Ben kindasorta. Last time I called him he was like "Feel free to call me whenever." I would call him more often except it takes about a week to work up enough stuff to keep a conversation going for a substantial period and also, I don't want to be the one calling him all the time (granted, I've only called him once since I got here). I guess MOST of me wouldn't mind, but some of me is like... that's your job, son. I need proof that you are capable of not forgetting me. </div><div><br /></div><div>aaauuugghghh I SOO want to know whether or not I'm being led on. Because that's what it feels like right now. Like I'm going to go home after graduating and he'll be all "Oh hey! We're just friends I thought! Isn't that great?! Big friendly family!" </div><div><br /></div><div>Mother of mercy, if that's what ends up happening I may need to kill him.</div><div><br /></div><div>It's like I need a status update on how he's feeling about me. Honestly, right now it's irrelevant whether or not he likes me. Because that could change at any time. Clearly it's not about to change for me though. And I mean if he can go without dating a girl for 2+ years, then there's a good chance of me being an option still in a couple o months.</div><div><br /></div><div>At some point though, I'm going to need some definite answers. I can wait until Christmas, but after that... I'ma need to know where we stand. I may even need to lay down some smack.</div><div><br /></div><div>I could lay down some serious smack right now.</div><div><br /></div><div>This whole situation has been pretty poisonous for me. I wish I'd known what was going to happen earlier. I don't think it would have stopped me from dating him, maybe just made me prepare myself for it in advance. Although I don't think that would have made the summer very much fun.</div><div><br /></div><div>THE SUMMER IS NOT ENOUGH. I WANT MORE. I WILL HAVE MORE. I WILL HAVE MORE IF IT KILLS ME.</div><div><br /></div><div>A lot has changed in this month though. Well, I say that, but I don't know how much I believe it. I feel like I've let go of a lot more... less obsessed, although obviously still pretty obsessed. </div><div><br /></div><div>I really wish I could shake that. I think it'd be a service to all involved.</div><div><br /></div><div>I also really wish our conversations could be not 90% smalltalk and 10% awkward silence. Yeah, that'd be really cool.</div><div><br /></div><div>I have noticed though, that if I am in a good mood when I talk to him, I feel better about the conversation overall. I know I've talked to him and been in a very forlorn state of mind and just felt like the conversation went really poorly. But last time we talked it was only for 20ish min. but I felt really good about it. Which is good because usually I base the quality of the conversation on how long it was... which is stupid because it's def about quality and not quantity. </div><div><br /></div><div>Def.</div><div><br /></div><div>Anyways, if I want to get up and go out to study tomorrow, I'd better get some sleep in me. Start fresh in the AM.</div><div><br /></div><div><div>I'm really interested in downsizing on my possessions. My shit's a-weighin' me down. I've always wanted to be able to pack up EVERYTHING in a couple hours and go. I want to live like a nomad.</div><div><br /></div><div>Unfortunately, I have this sick obsession with clothes... guess I better get over that quick. </div><div><br /></div><div>I need a Ben to snuggle :( MMMMmmmmmmmmmm! :(</div></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-5149993329912805944?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-4066448314473528382010-09-08T22:32:00.003-04:002010-09-08T23:05:01.583-04:00Sooo, the sweet, sweet summer of aught ten is over and I'm back in College for the LAST ROUND of student-dome.<br /><br />*SIIIIIIIGHHHHHHHHHcrrrrryyyyyyyy*<br /><br />So Ben and I finally ended up dating (and REALLY making out......SOOOO GOOOD!!!)<br /><br />For like... two and a half months.<br /><br />Going into it, I knew it would be over with the summer. I had no idea how painful it would be though. None whatsoever. Not even a HINT of how much it would suck.<br /><br />It sucks.... A FREAKIN' LOT.<br /><br />But I'm trying to focus on other things... like... learning to love myself and the world at large. And how to do homework.<br /><br />I'm actually doing pretty well with homework.<br /><br />This is the first week I've been here without him, so it's important that I keep that in mind. Everything will start to dull with time, life will get easier to live, I'll be able to focus on being an adult...or....something.<br /><br />AHHHHH I FEEL SO ALONE!! I"M DYING OFCANCER!!! I"M NOT GOING TO GRADUATE!!!! I DON'T LOVE GOD OR PEOPLE IN NEED!!!! I ONLY CARE ABOUT MYSELF!!! I"VE LET MY FAMILY DOWN!!!! I"M NEVER GOING TO SURVIVE BY MYSELF IN THE REAL WORLD!!!!! IF JEN BLOWS HER NOSE ONE MORE TIME I MAY HAVE TO SHOOT HER IN THE FACEEE!!!!! NOBODY WILL EVER WANT TO MARRY ME THAT I ACTUALLY WANT TO MARRY BACK!!!<br /><br />Oh man... I need some serious help.<br /><br />Those are all things I'm thinking right now, but now that I've typed them out they seem really stupid.<br /><br />God, please take this away from my heart... fill me with your love. Help me think clearly again.<br /><br />ahh... I feel better now...<br /><br />I still miss Ben though. I hope I don't stop.<br /><br />I hope he's worth missing. I'm beginning to wonder.<br /><br />Mum just called. I'm kind of giving her the freeze-out for a conversation we had last night about me failing Bible. ONE class out of the 8395084350934 I've taken these four years. It's not like I can fix it now. One more reason to feel like shit.<br /><br />And it's really only hurting me because she's like one of the only people I have to reach out to... so it's basically adding to my loneliness. So I should probably stop holding grudges... maybe I'll call her back... yeah. kay I'm gonna go.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-406644831447352838?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-5242989724879136422010-06-27T09:17:00.008-04:002010-06-28T13:11:09.037-04:00OH....MAN, YOU GUYS.<br /><br />BEST.... CAMPMEETING......EVER.<br /><br />Sooo yeah, finally got that peek inside Ben's head I was hoping to get.<br /><br />He likes meeee, I like hiiimmm... mad awesome untill ya throw in another year at Southern and him not wanting to stay in Maine. Buuut I'm gonna go ahead and not think about that.<br /><br />Because this is in God's hands.<br /><br />Anyway, we've kind of decided that we're doing the "just friends" thing even though there's clearly more to it. At least there won't be any technical strings. Pretty sure we're both really into each other.......yaayyyyyy!!!!fjdsklfjdsklfjsdYYAAAAYYY!!!<br /><br />This girl from Southern I guess was kinda wanting to hang out with him the last night of campmeeting but he was just like "I don't know a better way to say this, but I'm gonna hang out with Amanda instead." Prom queen all over again... muahahaha.<br /><br />Also, we're... I guess you'd call it making out. It's got all the making-outness of making out but without actual mouth on mouth kissing. Kinda like that Regina Spektor song (that time). Whatever it is... I can dig it. It's really nice because it feels so good and innocent and just... honest I guess... I don't know why I chose that word to describe it, but that's what it is.<br /><br />Now I wish he would facebook me back...<br />{hello insanity, it's been a while! Hope you haven't missed me coz I certainly have enjoyed not missing you}<br /><br />It's only a very little bit wierd that there's like zero PDA. We were holding hands during a prayer at church and he squeezed my hand at one point and my knees pretty much gave out. I'm so glad that little things like that can still get me going, because honestly, I feel like a lot of that died with my dating Donnie.<br /><br />I'm trying really hard to not get too wrapped up in this whole situation, but as you can see, it's been a bit of a loosing battle. I pray about it and God takes it away, but it always ends up sneaking back in and then I check Facebook again for the millionth time. I need to focus on getting it together with God. I'm thinking about musical devotions... awesome...<br /><br />Jen's been warning me about not getting too involved because of how upset I'll be at the end of the year... I'd rather spend a few nights crying my eyes out than let this thing go. Besides, it's too late for stopping anyway.<br /><br />We both fit in the same sleeping bag.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-524298972487913642?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-27998966169970418822010-06-07T22:50:00.003-04:002010-06-08T00:50:33.216-04:00Ohhh sooo happyy!!! Finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel vis a vis my internship!!! FINALLYY!!!! Oh man I was getting a lot anxious. Still not quiiiite sure when things FOR REAL get going, but at least the papers are in the hands of people and emails are sent and blah blah blah blah YAAAYYYYYY oh man.<br /><br />Goodbye tons of free time. A part of me shall miss you dearly.<br /><br />And part of me shall rejoice at your leaving.<br /><br />Sooo, I hate that I'm paranoid to write stuff in here now... I don't know why, but I'm really afraid someone is going to read this who shouldn't be reading this and.... ohh whatever, like I said, whoever finds this probably deserves to read it. </paranoia>.<br /><br />Massive crush on Ben is a go.<br /><br />yaaaaaaaaayyyyyy.<br /><br />aaaahhhh I WISH I KNEW WHAT IS GOING ON IN HIS HEAAADDD.<br /><br />facepalm.<br /><br />Also I seem to have a lot of like... circling vultures for lack of a better word. Is very hard to be friends without making people think about the possibility of more. Which is kind of what I'm afraid is going on in the Ben situation. Like maybe I'M a circling vulture.<br /><br />OH NOOOOOOO!!!!<br /><br />No good.<br /><br />Well if that's the case, then I really wish he'd stop agreeing to hang out and being all excited about it and talking me into staying at campmeeting and asking me to help decorate his potential bus-dwelling and talking about SWING DANCING (!!!!!!!!!) with me sometime and being so win in general ............JFRIOERUIFJRAAARRRRRRR.<br /><br />WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS IS ALL ME?? WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYYY???<br /><br />I wanna sink my claws in... in a non-bitchy sort of way.... in a "please don't go!" kind of way. Wich, I know, sounds super desperate. Which is not at all what I am.<br /><br />There! I'm not desperate. I just see a good thing and don't want to pass him up without a fight. Normal!<br /><br />Wish I actually felt normal.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-2799896616997041882?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-31831209038438157212010-05-21T12:39:00.003-04:002010-05-21T13:44:24.271-04:00Internship started... well sort of. Trying to get going on things as much as possible on my own, since the formal beginning of things doesn't seem to start untill more things fall into place. Whatever, even I'M confused about what's going on.<br /><br />Dad read the article I wrote for Columns about the divorce. I feel bad mostly because I haven't really seen him since I got home. I tried to make a time to hang out when he called the first time and he was just like "I have to go to work." Then he called a second time and just talked to mum about the bill. He's using the article as an excuse to not send Celeste to a Christian school. As usual, she gets screwed over by him. Hopefully, this will pass, but... who knows?<br /><br />Talked to Donnie for the first time in a (comparative) while today. He's like "How are you doing, are you over me yet?" I had no idea what to tell him so I just said "I don't know, I'm not thinking too hard about anything lately." Which is true. I really am trying to be on vacation from.... general boy-related angst.<br /><br />It's not easy, let me tell you.<br /><br />But then I thought about it after and... honestly, I don't feel very much at all. I (REALLYREALLY) miss being kissed and other general boy closeness-es, but as far as anything else is concerned, I'm pretty much set. The difference is I'm not around him. If I were, I might feel differently (or maybe just more swayed by my physical wants.)<br /><br />Which sort of leads me to believe that I broke up with him for Ben, but I know that's not true. Technically, I know Donnie and I were fairly well-matched, but I feel like things just weren't clicking enough for me. And I'm not MARRIED to him or anything, so better now than later.<br /><br />Sweet genius though, I would KILL for a good kiss right now. It's even invading my dreams.<br /><br />Wonder when I'll see Ben again. Soon I hope.<br /><br />I really hope nobody reads this... I could probably just make it all private somehow, but I get kind of a rush out of thinking who might read this idiotic, self-centered crap that I write just to feel better. And I do feel better after. More like crap than I thought... A verbal toilet.<br /><br />dang, now I can't stop worrying if someone is ACTUALLY going to see this... ugg I'll try writing later.<br /><br /><strong>UPDATE:</strong> I just found out that it would be near impossible for anyone who knows me to find this. It would require them googling my name and going to probably the fourth page of results. That takes you to the one post where I mention my full name... oops. Anybody who cares enough to go to the fourth page of results probably deserves to know all my innermost goings-on.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-3183120903843815721?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-43319594983434590112010-05-11T10:14:00.004-04:002010-05-11T10:41:49.126-04:00Hahahah I just got done reading the last two posts and.... yeah I ended it with Donnie. Quite a while after that incident, but yeah, we are no longer an I-tem.<br /><br />The line that really kills me is "Whatever. I love him. The end."<br /><br />I can't believe I was ok with that for so long. All that emotional trauma he unconciously put me through and I kinda just let it all slide. I wish I could have explained to him all the pain things like that caused me. I think the root of it all was just how I had no idea what his life was like before he met me. I had no idea what he was capable of, so I guess I just assumed the worst.<br /><br />Anyway, our breakup took TWO WEEKS. Yeah, not even kidding. So, so horrible. I more or less stopped eating for a long time. Because that's what I do when I'm nervous. I even threw up once. You didn't need to know that.<br /><br />But now! Now I am free! For so long we'd had everything planned out... our life, where we'd live, everything. All of that's over now and anything is possible. I am at once terrified and thrilled. It's a feeling I hope I can hold on to for the rest of my life.<br /><br />Yah, so there's a new boy in town. Fast, I know. I can't for the life of me figure him out and it's really frusturating. I feel super lame even talking about it, just because....... I don't know, it's really really platonic, but he's SO COOL and he's really got his head together and we spent like almost an entire afternoon looking through Ripley's Believe It Or Not book. Which I'm really afraid bored the shit out of him. He's just so dang polite that I don't know if he'd say anything even if he was bored. Ahhhh man... But anyway, some serious potential there. I hope...<br /><br />So there's thaaaat....<br /><br />Waiting for my internship to start. Got like... a week and change till things get going. I'm gonna look so good though, I've got mad professional clothes up in here! WOOOOHOOO!!!! I'd never ever have thought that that idea would make me go woohooo. I think I'm realizing that you CAN indeed dress for sucsess and still maintain your identity. Exciting thoughts those.<br /><br />Yep, guess it's back to regular blogging now.... yaaaaayyy.<br /><br />kisses.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-4331959498343459011?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-60021308082987894582009-12-13T12:16:00.002-05:002009-12-13T12:22:42.366-05:00Well.... I freaked out for no reason.<br /><br />AS. USUAL.<br /><br />Oh man, I feel like a wilted flower right now.<br /><br />Something is really wrong with me for overreacting so badly.<br /><br />Not that I got all that into what he did last night, but honestly... if he's not going to tell me I'd rather just not know. And I know that sounds terrible... it IS terrible... but... I just don't know what else to do.<br /><br />Why do I distrust him so much when there hasn't been a reason to? Because things have been going so well?<br /><br />I don't know. I just need to stop thinking about it.<br /><br />Whatever. I love him. The end.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-6002130808298789458?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-88042262873821765082009-12-13T01:21:00.003-05:002009-12-13T01:56:45.702-05:00SO! First post in a while. Life has apparently been too good untill now.<br /><br />Yea so I know I'm probably overreacting... majorly overreacting, but I'm just going to indulge myself for a few.<br /><br />MMAAAAANNNN!!!<br /><br />yea so this evening has been utter crap from beginning to end.<br /><br />Got all dressed up to go to the fucking VM Christmas party.... and it was so totally awkward, like... words cannot describe how wierd it was. I really don't want to talk about it. Just know that... oh it makes me want to shower with sand.<br /><br />Went to that instead of going with Donnie to a metal concert.... and now I'm really wishing I'd done that because I talked to him like... a couple hours ago and he's like "I'm not coming back tonight I don't think." and like the FUCKING IDIOT THAT I AM I was just like "whatever."<br /><br /><br />OOOOOOOHHHH I SHOULD HAVE REEEEAAAMMMED HIM OUUUUT!!!!!<br /><br />I KNOW he's going to go to that DIPSHIT friend of his' house and drink or something. I JUST KNOW IT.<br /><br />Really, what else could "i'm not coming back tonight" mean?<br /><br />Either that or he found some girl... gonna try and not even go that direction.<br /><br />Meanwhile here I am thinking very very hard about possibly giving it up to him. I mean really, can I be ok with a person who is ok with drinking even though he KNOWS how I feel about it and wishing he was still in fucking HIGH SCHOOL?????????? OH MYYYYYYYYYYYFFFUCK.<br /><br />Big overreaction, I know.<br /><br />I"M JUST SOOOO FUCKING ANGRY AND I CAN"T SCREAM ABOUT IT!!!!!!! I HATE IT HEREEERRRREEEE!!!!<br /><br />But of course as soon as I sit down and start watching The Holiday, I'm wishing so much that he was there with me and thinking about how much I love him and all that BULLSHIT while everyone in the movie all calmly get drunk drunk drunk and have sex sex sex with random people....... so I'm thinking "Hey, maybe I shouldn't get so upset at him."<br /><br />I HATE THE WORLD ET AL!!!!!!!<br /><br />hahah I read over everything I just wrote and it sounds really psycho. But seriously, I am exactly this mad right now.<br /><br />I"M SUPPOSED TO BE MAKING HIM FUCKING PANCAKES IN THE MORNING!!! AND THIS IS WHAT HE GOES AND DOES??????????? FUUCK ME!!!<br /><br />I wonder if this means I'm getting my period.... OK and that's another thing!<br /><br />Why is it if I get angry it instantly has to mean my period? Why can't I just be really pissed off without hormones being at the root of it? WHY????<br /><br />Ok, deep breath. I really wish it weren't 1:30 in the morning right now... I'd call my mom.<br /><br />So! Why am I so angry?<br />Because I sort of haven't really seen Donnie all day and I'm afriaid he's out drinking; something I really don't want him getting in the habit of doing (again).<br />What's wrong with drinking?<br />What's NOT wrong with it?? Shit, there is no reason to drink... EVER. As far as I'm concerned, drinking is just as bad as smoking and if he can't deal with that then... we have problems.<br /><br /><br />I just.... I just want Donnie to be good so badly. That's why I'm here, to meet good people. I'm so afraid he's not good. I've put so much of myself out there and I've never really gotten messed up you know? I don't want this to be the first time. hahah I can hear him saying "I'm good! Love me!" in that little whiney voice he uses when he's trying to be cute. Somtimes I feel like I don't have a hold on him and it's scary, really scary.<br /><br />My head really does just go and go and go... I have no idea if any of this is true.<br /><br />I'm so tempted to text him right now... but I really can't put myself through that. I just need to sleep.<br /><br />No man is gonna fuck me over like Dad did to Mum. NO MAN!!! I think that's why I get so defensive if something doesn't go right. Lord, I don't know. This blows and I'm freezing.<br /><br />Fuck him, I'm not wasting my time worrying about this. He's fucking me over right fucking now by keeping me up.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-8804226287382176508?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-36198409865558780112009-05-09T14:31:00.004-04:002009-07-14T15:47:10.485-04:00well I guess one could say I'm on summer break... but I don't. I'm moved into the new apt. It's really nice and I like the people and everything and the cat hasn't been bothering my allergies that much, so at least that end of it's ok. <br/><br /><br />But... to be completely honest... I hate it here. I miss my family so much and Sarah seems a lot different/annoying and I wanna see Donnie and I've been sick for the past week (I thought I had Swine flu for a while. Turns out it's some kind of sinus infection which I'm hopefully almost over. I'd better be almost over it. I hate NyQuil.) I'm just really worried that home is going to be a major disappointment. We've moved into an "apartment" of sorts attached to nana and papa's garage. It's really tiny and has one window.<br/><br /><br />otriegtrjegjklfdjgklfdjgiorejgtrijgklfdjidsjfio rar. I just want to run awayway. <br/><br /><br />ugh I should cheer up. I'm going to Josh's graduation next weekend and Donnie's sister's graduation the next. My aunt graciously paid for me to fly to VA instead of me driving the 8 hours alone. I'm sure hearing that that was my plan was all it took for her. I'm glad I have her watching out for me. <br/><br /><br />Do you know what I just did though?? I was in a praize band for this really liberal church up the road (well really liberal by Maine standards) It was fun but would have been more fun if I hadn't been coughing up bodyparts through the whole thing. I got to sing a song solo though and was able to hold out for that. So... yay for (sort of) fulfilling my dream of being in a band!!!!..............!!!!!!!!<br/><br /><br />Work's going okish. I always sort of thought of work more as a function of school and not so much a "job" but now that I'm not only doing veggiemeat but grocery too and working 9-hour days sometimes..... it's def. a job. I mean it's easy enough work but.... again, I hate it here right now.<br />My dad's been in California for the past week I think? I'm glad he's out there hanging with his cousins, he needs support. If I were him I think I might move out there. But then I imagined the scenario of me going to visit him there with everyone thinking that I'm some crazy bible thumpin'....... person who doesn't love Dad coz I won't renounce religion for him and them just scrutinizing the crap out of me. Not that his family doesn't already do that... hahah. It shouldn't matter either. And it doesn't. And he'd never do that anyway.<br/><br /><br />I do like california though... sort of.<br/><br /><br />AAAHHHHH Sarah is kinda getting on my nerves today. She's all talking about some guy who was like playing with her hair or some crap and going on and on like I should be impressed by her prowess with boys or some shit. Uggs I should just shut up about that. Really, it's just the same old story. I hate how it's always so one-uppy with us. I mean, most of the time we're cool but then she gets all pompus like she's better than me or something. I was also kinda put off that she didn't go to my singing thing today for moral support. I know I totally would have gone if she were doing something like that. I guess that's the difference between us.<br/><br /><br />I just reallyreallyreallyreally want to go home.<br/> Reallyreallyreallyrealllyrealllllyyyyyyyyyyy.<br/><br /><br />I miss the hell out of donnie. He didn't call last night which is making me kinda sad, but it's ok. I really want to tell him about my plane tickets! He doesn't know yet! eeek! I hope he can pick me up at the airport, that might be kind of an issue.<br/><br /><br />Whhheeeeelllll, I think I'm going to try to call mum and then take a nap. I was going to go out this afternoon, but... bed is just so tempting.<br/><br /><br />Later <3<br/><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-3619840986555878011?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-41197141044227942882009-04-28T15:50:00.005-04:002009-04-28T16:09:14.796-04:00I can't freakin' believe it!!<br /><br />One more day of finals and I'm done! WOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOOO!!! AAAGGG I am so done with school! For now anyway...<br /><br />Unfortunately I'm sticking around here for another month to work with the lovely and talented VM people. Score!.........not. Well, it means about twelve hundred dollars more than I had before and that's easily like... three times what I made last summer. In a month. So I figure it will be worth it.<br /><br />I'm staying in a room with Sarah in an apartment with a bunch of other girls who seem pretty cool so far. I think it's gonna be a good time. No curfew, total freedom, sleeping in..... it's gonna be awesome.<br /><br />Although I'm gonna miss the living daylights out of a certain someone...<br /><br />I think I've come to accept the level of attachment I have for Donnie finally. I figure the whole point of having a relationship is to be at least somewhat attached to the other person. I hate that I have to try and justify my feelings all the time. That seems like what I've been doing from day one; trying to justify feelings. Or dismiss seemingly unjustified feelings.<br /><br />I think WAY too much. I believe that is the general consensus of this whole blog.<br /><br />Anyway, we'll hopefully get to hang out at least a few times this summer. And I'm planning on getting a higher quality webcam too. One with a speaker and one that I don't have to tape to the computer. I want to go visit his family and stuff too at some point. I guess Chris wants me to go to Massachusetts to play music with him and whoever else he can get to be a part of this band apparatus, so maybe I can visit Donnie at the same time.<br /><br />Mum's all like "Does Chris <em>really</em> not have feelings for you anymore?" I figure it doesn't matter, coz I certainly don't. Ahhhh whatever.<br /><br />It's really quite hard to come up with blog material when I'm not in a bad mood. I've come to the conclusion that I only write when I'm angsty. hahaha. whatever, its not like anyone actually reads this crap anway.<br /><br />Donnie's been in kind of a bad mood lately and it makes me sad, especially since these are our last days together before summer starts. He's got really bad allergies and things have been quite off-kilter with his family, so I can't blame him. I hate it when I can't help people feel better, especially him.<br /><br />I haven't packed a thing.... AKKKKK!!<br /><br /><3<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-4119714104422794288?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-54582072035225545152009-03-03T00:52:00.001-05:002009-03-03T00:52:03.644-05:00HOKAYY!!<br /><br />Well... Spring break is pretty much le suck atm. <br /><br />Dad pretty much bullied me into watching Relidulous. Biggest load of shit I ever saw. If it had been on the news, it would have been news product, like the stupid news type shows on Fox where the newscaster just kind of talks over everyone he's interviewing. Such close-minded shit. And then they interview people who are either a.) truckers, b.) complete whack-jobs or c.) very intelligent people who get their interview sliced in all the right ways, just so it will sound like the right point is being made.<br /><br />And what makes me even more upset is the fact that he thinks he's trying to have a relationship with us. Like forcing us to watch something that shits all over what we believe in is going to gain him respect/love/brownie points etc. <br /><br />He doesn't want to be loved. He just wants to be right.<br /><br />Well he's wrong. SO FUCKING WRONG!<br /><br />I wish he could see it. I wish he could put himself aside for a second and love me. Not even me, I don't care at this point (really), just love Celeste. She broke out in a rash after he started yelling. If he gave a rat's ass about her he'd be nicer about it.<br /><br />WHERE IS HIS HUMAN COMPASSION THAT HE'S ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT? I'm convinced he doesn't have any.<br /><br />Also, heh, I recently found out he had an affair like... a zillion years ago. He started going to church as a sort of pennance. Mum is a much bigger woman than I, as I probably would have left his sorry ass, kids and all.<br /><br />I really have done far too much swearing in this blog. I'm just so angry! And of course was unable to say any of this to dad because I could kind of sense he just needed to air his thoughts... again. I'm just trying to show him I'm not against him but really he can't keep downing my beliefs all the time. I won't be trod upon.<br /><br />Like mum.<br /><br />I shouldn't say that. <br /><br />I miss Donnie. I'm kind of worried about how much I miss him. Like I should be a little more laid back about it, but he misses me too. And that worries me. It worries me that we are both so into each other so soon. (creeping up on four months... in a month).<br /><br />He feels like we're meant to be. I don't get any feelings to the contrary really, so maybe we are. I just don't know if I've seen enough sides to him to really know for sure that he's... the ONE. Uggnuggets. I hate that word and everything it stands for. And I don't know why.<br /><br />I wish I knew what I'm looking for. But I don't. <br /><br />And I'm all out of complaints. Good night<br /><br /><3<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-5458207203522554515?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-49679060129704360192008-11-26T11:35:00.004-05:002008-11-26T12:08:05.394-05:00<p>Thanksgiving!! Yay!</p><p>Which means I'm home for the first time in forever. Woots to that.</p><p>Things are kinda wierd here. There was a big fight and... long story short, mum plans on divorcing dad after christmas. Wich is teh sux if you ask me. I mean... it's clearly been a long time coming, but... shit, I don't wanna move.</p><p>But mum deserves to be happy for a change. And he does bring kind of a stressfulaura into the house. THAT I can do without.</p><p>K so... Donnie and I are official. Everything's going pretty well I think. So far. He keeps saying he's having "girl drama." Apparently a bunch of girls are like coming forward with feelings they have for him and he's dating me, soooo... they lose, obviously. One of them happens to be Nadia. Big freakin' surprise. Buut, Donnie keeps saying he only likes me, and I really have no choice but to believe him.</p><p>I just wish I knew for real what's going on with that situation. And I hate that I secretly don't believe him. It's not like I have a reason not to. It's not like I've been lied to profusely by boys in the past. And honestly, there's really nothing he could do that would make me believe him, this is just me being crazy and jealous for no apparent reason.</p><p>It's just that I wonder if he would be happier with one of them instead of me. I guess that's my main issue, like I'm not (fill in the blank) enough. He's all talking about how he said Nadia should get piercings and she did. How effing lame is that? </p><p>Maybe I should talk to Amith about it... ehh. naah. That would look really bad.</p><p>Man, I wish he were here now. I believe this is the first time I've been away from a boyfriend and actually missed him. Weird. Could Amanda be growing a heart?</p><p>Well I'm either growing a heart or losing my mind. Probably both.</p><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-4967906012970436019?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-91723617618344889042008-10-26T02:35:00.004-04:002008-10-26T03:11:42.211-04:00<span style="font-family:georgia;">ahh I just added the new blogger gadget for iGoogle. Say hello to shorter, more frequent blog posts? Mmmaaaaaayyyybe...</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">So I'm vingt now. The thought of not being a teenager anymore has me pretty paranoid. Not gonna lie. But I'm sort of starting to like how oddly sophisticated I feel now. "Ooh, I'm not just nineTEEN anymore... I'M TWENTY BITCHES!!" </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">hahaha. Or not. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">Pretty good birthday overall I'd say. Work was ok, the general harassment by the VM boys, five free dented cans of veggie meat, the usual. Mum sent me flowers and a TON of balloons. Pretty ridiculous. But funny. I had to go to choir practice in the pouring down rain, so I was pretty well drenched by the time I got to the church. NAAAAsty. And of course I stood right behind Michael the whole time. I really wish I could calm the frick down about him. I had a really good view of Ryan, the audacious cymbal player. Hilarious. Then at the end of rehearsal, the entire choir sang Happy Birthday to me, which was a really intense experience. Then I got back to the room and there was a surprise party for me! With papa john's and candy corn. WooT. Sarah M and Laura showed up too, so it was pretty cool. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">THEN....</span><br /><br />I had made plans to go to vespers with Donnie (as my birthday present from him.... coz he gambles and has no money.) and it was getting near time to go and I hadn't heard from him, so I im'ed him and he's like "oh I'm here I'm here." It was casual dress for this vespers so he's like "do you want me to dress up?" And I'm like "naah don't bother" (but I was going to anyway coz it was kind of a way that I could feel less bad about making him go to vespers... yea idk) So it was time to go and I im'ed him and he didn't say anything back so I just said "I'll be in the lobby, call me." So I waited in the lobby until about five minutes before vespers and he still didn't show, so I just headed over. I was pretty pissed but tried to console myself with the thought that I'd probably be the best dressed person there. Lame, I know.<br /><br />So I got there and started getting really antsy and sleepy and a touch depressed, so I started to leave and on my way out there's this guy walking towards me in vespers clothes and I thought to myself "Someone didn't get the memo" and it was Donnie. DRESSED UP! I guess he got locked out of his room so that made him late and then he went to the girl's dorm and the desk lady is like "oooh she's gonna be MAAAD." which I thought was hilarious. I was glad he showed up though. Seriously, it was like a movie the way I walked out at the exact right time.<br /><br />I reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally hope he's not just patronizing me. I hope he's not for his sake. Coz I may just go ape crap on his ass if he is. hahah I can't beleive those words came out of my fingers.<br /><br />But seriously... I will.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-9172361761834488904?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-76166559118189352032008-10-17T14:06:00.004-04:002008-10-17T14:41:09.059-04:00Mid-semester break.... is so sweet.<br /><br />I'm at Sarah's house in Florida right now. It is so nice. And relaxing. And really fun.<br /><br />People here are really really obsessed with cooking. Like... wow I dunno. I'm like "Let's order pizza!" And everyone else is like "Let's make a five course meal! JOY UNBOUNDED!!"<br /><br />It's cool though. It's not that I don't like cooking, it's just that I've kind of gotten used to eating right away and not really waiting for food to happen. It's pretty sad actually, so this is a good thing.<br /><br />I was sooo stressed out about getting down here in one piece. I am really not a fan of driving and whatever, so I switched with Laura and Sarah which was really good. Sarah kind of scared me at first drivingwise, but she's easily as good a driver as I am. Zeke ended up coming with us too, which is fine, but it meant we left at 4:30 and got here at like... midnight. Which sucked quite a lot. I'm REALLY going to make sure we leave at a decent time on Sunday. Like... before noon hopefully.<br /><br />I can't believe it's already Friday. WAAAAHHHH.<br /><br />Donnie went to California... Jealousssssss.<br /><br />Man, I feel like he's playing me so bad lately. I hate it.<br /><br />I think really far into things. I hate that too. I do that and then I take everything to mean something when it probably doesn't. ugh. rar. and other exclamations of anger.<br /><br />I sort of feel like I shouldn't hang out with him anymore since it's causing me so much internal strife. But if I didn't have that, I'd probably be depressed too, so I think I'd rather hang out with him than not. Not like we really do much of that anymore. I think we hang out like.... once a week? I see him about every day though. At tennis and at lunch if I'm lucky. And then, that chick is always there. I think I make her a tad nervous though, so... props to me I guess.<br /><br />RAAATTERJIOFGJERUJIEUHFEFJEJRF I was supposed to somehow avoid all this angst by NOT dating him. But now I sort of want to. But sort of not at the same time. I think I'd rather try dating him than not.<br /><br />IDONT"KNOWWWWW<br /><br />And I miss Josh. A lot. I really want to know how the whole trip went... I wonder if that's what Sarah called me about earlier.... hmm I probably should have called her back. I'll call tonight I guess.<br /><br />I think about really lame stuff. SOO much more to life than boys. Like..... art. Yes.<br /><br />Oh I went on a pseudo-date with Justin. MAN that was weird. I really didn't want it to be a date (and it wasn't) but I could tell he wanted it to be. He tried to buy me a notebook and possibly coffee, but guys buying me stuff weirds me out as it is, much less one I don't have any intention whatsoever of dating. He's cool and everything, he just reminds me waaayyy too much of Leigh pushard from high school.<br /><br />I am so shallow. It's sad.<br /><br />anyway, I guess i should probably stop typing and be social or something. *sigh* More freakin' cooking. hahah.<br /><br /><333333333333333333333333333333333333<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-7616655911818935203?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-83162758416319458212008-10-05T01:06:00.004-04:002008-10-05T01:23:49.758-04:00Oh man.... Can you say "most useless evening evarr?"<br /><br />I can. "Most useless evening EVARR!"<br /><br />So the plan was to go get the comp fixed and buy pancake making stuff.<br /><br />None of that happened, and I left my comp in this guy's car!! I am such an idiot.<br /><br />I was gonna have Donnie come with me but then he called back and was like "I'm going with some people to the mall, do you wanna come too?" So I was like "cool" and went. There were these two (I believe they were) Freshmen chicks who came with, and.... HOLY FIRKIN' CRAP were they dumb. Then, the piece de resistance, Clanky Keychain Girl Pants (aka Matt) showed up. He was nearly as annoying as the girls were, clanky keychain wise. hahah.<br /><br />I'm being catty. I should stop. I believe I have said enough. AHEM!<br /><br />But anyway, the OTHER dude who came with us, Dan, was pretty cool. I guess he's an English major which is neet. Someone interesting to talk to. At least I could talk to him without him saying "OHMYGODIKNOWRIGHT?" every five seconds.<br /><br />Crap I said I'd stop that. I'm done.<br /><br />Hahahah. Whatever. If Donnie prefers idiots, that's his problem.<br /><br />Also ran into Ryan Moore. Friggin... whatever. That kid is always popping up in the randomest places in my life.<br /><br />And that kid from the VM... I can never remember his name...Which was cool I guess. I felt cool knowing so many random people.<br /><br />Man I'm tired. I feel really warm. Maybe I'm sick. I should go to sleep. This blog post is kind of going nowhere.<br /><br />I got zero work done tonight. IRUT*)E$A(TU$*)EJERIO#*)(#)*TUJELFJD")@$+_!}$)_(#U()%#)%<br /><br />Shit.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-8316275841631945821?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-72532674430030504412008-09-26T00:36:00.005-04:002008-09-26T01:03:51.284-04:00Ohhhh jeez.<br /><br />12:30. Just sitting here, listening to.... Anna Nalick, which should really say everything. That's pretty much all I listened to during the Mike mishap. Sooo... emo. Hardcore.<br /><br />I am kind of worried. I feel like I might be getting a tad too attached to... someone. And that is SOO not the plan. Because essentially, there is no plan. And I have to be happy with that. I am happy with that. I just can't keep from getting all anxious when I don't talk to him for a while. And when it's harder and harder to keep up a conversation. I hate when that happens. I don't want to force anything, but I don't want everything to just kind of fade away.<br /><br />It won't. I think that time of the month is fast approaching. That's basically the only answer I have for this mood that's kind of been hovering for the past couple days. That and probably Josh's visit.<br /><br />Dammit! She was cool! Like, not SUPER cool, but a lot cooler than I expected. And I mean I'm glad in a way that Josh isn't attracted to a not-cool person. But you wanna know what sucks? Hard?<br /><br />HE FUCKING KNOWS. That was definitely not supposed to EVER happen.<br /><br />Of course I don't know how I thought he wouldn't find out, what with me telling Sarah who told his parents (hahah Debbie was all for it. She thought I should have told him.) I guess Patrick mentioned something to him and Josh just kind of deduced for himself. And Sarah verified of course.<br /><br />Tragic really. Really.<br /><br />I mean I don't really know what it was I expected. I mean seriously, if he did have feelings left for me, he's not going to dump his girlfriend of like, what, three years? I think I gave him way too much of a cold shoulder back when he did like me for there to be anything left now. Whatever. If it's meant to be, it'll happen. Maybe she IS the one for him, I don't freakin' know.<br /><br />Another thing I don't freakin' know is why I'm up still. I had such a crazy day today! Thursdays are always busy, but today was just nonstop GO. Every second I wasn't eating or in class I was doing work that.... well probably should have been done already. But everything got finished and turned in on time, and I made it to an EXTRA convo AND a worship. I even led out in an impromptu song service at Bible Boot Camp! (aka worship) Then went to Taco Bell. Then just some chill time. And now I'm up bitching to my blog when I should be asleep. I am actually really tired, but I sort of wanted to talk to Donnie before bed. UGH! I hate this!! I always thought I'd like having someone like Donnie in my life... like a weird sort of pseudo boyfriend. I think if I had more of them then it wouldn't be quite so odd. But... I don't really. Unless you count Justin, and we don't hang out nearly enough for him to count. I don't know how Donnie is a pseudo boyfriend actually. Maybe it's coz... yea I guess we aren't.<br /><br />I guess I'm just having a hard time dealing. I mean I'm not, but I am. Like if we don't talk for a while... like now.... I get all antsy. That's bad. That's the whole reason I'm not dating.<br /><br />Well, this is bullshit. I'm going to sleep. I am SO not staying up until 2:30 to talk to this kid. Freakin'.... bad for my complexion.<br /><br />I'm sick of all this boy angst I have. Why can't they just do what I want them to do??? WHY CAN'T I CALM DOWN!!!???<br /><br />Yay for rhetoric.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-7253267443003050441?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-87169227672958409472008-09-13T17:22:00.003-04:002008-09-13T18:17:33.075-04:00HAPPY 100th POST!! WOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!<br /><br />hahah. That only took three years.<br /><br />Well good day so far.<br /><br />Jeez it felt all like I had all these options for stuff to do tonight, but it's starting to feel more and more like I don't. Everybody is doing things on Sabbath that I don't want to do and it makes it awkward for me and it's pretty depressing too. Coz Donnie was all "We're going into town, you can come if you want" And I thought he meant tonight but he ended up leaving at three or something while I was mid-nap. Then Justin from drawing class called and asked me if I wanted to go to the art museum with people (probably freshman) today or tomorrow and I said I could do it tomorrow after work (eeek! I hope I have time to do my flyerrrr!!) Then Donnie called and asked me if I wanted to go shopping er whatever and I have no idea how long he's going to be gone for. Hopefully not all night coz there may or may not be a movie at poplar 7. And if not, I'm don't know if I wanna go contra dancing, so hopefully Donnie's around to do something with. I'd kinda like to go see a movie, but I'm def. not going alone. And Other Sarah is gone this weekend, so... yea. But I don't know if she'd want to go or not anymore. Meh.<br /><br />So you can kinda see why I'm feeling like I don't have options even though I do. Rar. Whatever. I should probably just stay home and do homework. IRJEOITJEUSEIJRIEJT*$(%)U#()IOEWU$*()HEFNIODTH$ no. I don't wanna waste Saturday night like that. It's bad enough that Sundays are more or less down the drain.<br /><br />Got a cute little silk dress yesterday at Fossil. Very Atonement looking. I need to have a Victoria's Secret spree here soon. My underwears situation is feeling kind of abysmal. I'm needing to do laundry a lot more often than I ususally do. I should probably just go to walmart and buy some filler underware. But.... ehh I'll just wait till Sharon sends me a care package. I think she said something about a vickie's gift certificate. I secretly want a pair of those blinged out sweatpants they have there. I don't have many things that scream "Material Girl" so maybe one......<br /><br />oh shoot. Jen is having a meltdown. uh ohs.<br /><br />well I guess she's ok... I wish she wouldn't make friends with shallow people. It's kind of unhealthy for her I think.<br /><br />So anyway. I've changed my stance on the Ralph... er Lauren... issue. I really need to be fair with her, and I certainly haven't been. I think in order for Josh not to completely hate me, and ultimately so that I can be ok with myself, I need to be accepting of her and at least attempt to get to know her. Because if they ARE meant to be, then... yea I dunno.<br /><br />At any rate, they're coming up to stay at Southern in two weekends, so... I'm really excited to see Josh anyway. That'll be cool. I've been having withdrawls kinda haha.<br /><br />RAAAR I wish I knew what the crap's going on tonight. I want to start making plaaaans. I feel weird calling Sarah again. I just called her an hour ago to find out what she's doing and she's like "Well there's talk of watching the movie. And there's talk of contra dancing. And then there's talk of doing something else." And I'm just like..... shoot me now.<br /><br />Whatever. Maybe I AM supposed to stick around and do homework. *sigh* How lame.<br /><br /><3<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-8716922767295840947?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-91608358681142436362008-09-10T01:14:00.005-04:002008-09-10T01:49:03.227-04:00SO, just as I suspected, my next post is from school!<br /><br />And I should be writing a paper right now!<br /><br />But I'm not!<br /><br />Alright!<br /><br />Just had an interesting convo with my friend Donnie. We've kind of been hanging out lately, and it's not that I like him or anything, he's just good guy friend material. And I really like hanging out with him. Anyways, tonight he's all "Where are we in your head?" And of course I said "well I guess we're just friends right?" And he seemed all relieved and stuff, so I guess I didn't go and mess something up.<br /><br />But I can't really shake this feeling that because I don't like him and he may or may not like me, that there's no reason for him to hang out with me anymore. I know it's stupid and (hopefully) untrue, but I just really really really want things to keep going the way they are. I'm worried that if he did like me (which hopefully he didn't) and now he knows I don't like him that way that I won't really matter anymore. Sort of an "on to the next thing" situation. I guess I'll have to save the next awkward convo for tomorrow, coz Michael might be in his room. Uh ohs. He's been kinda... ugh idk, I'm sure I'm being just as weird to him as he is to me, so.... moot point there.<br /><br />I just have so few actual friends here that I really want to keep the ones I do have. And it's nice having a guy friend that Jennifer isn't a third wheel party to. Not that I minded that, it's just... nice not to have to not mind that.<br /><br />In other news...<br /><br />So Sarah and I are trying to find a time to go to North Carolina to visit Josh. Sarah had a rather long text fest with Ralph in an effort to get in touch with Josh. Sarah mentioned to her something about how we were planning to go visit and Ralph promptly gave her Josh's itinerary for the next.... month and a half basically. He seems pretty booked up, according to her anyway (I have this horrible craving for ricotta cheese all of a sudden. RAR I hate the 1:00 munchies.) But probably before we get a chance to go down there, Josh will be up here to visit for View Southern, at which time, Sarah and I are hopefully going to steal him away for a night out in Chattanooga. Which will be AWESOME! I'm reallyreallyreally hoping he doesn't beg to bring Ralph along because surely I will ralph if she comes. I'm sort of anxious to see how he acts around her. Haven't really gotten to witness that yet.<br /><br />Oh and I guess it's all a go for her whole family to go visit the cotes during mid-semester break for A WHOLE WEEK! That seems incredibly rude to me. However, it may or may not be the turning point (for the worst hopefully) in their relationship. Jen has promised to give me full details of the visit (She is NOT AT ALL looking forward to seeing Ralph. As none of us really are.)<br /><br />I feel kind of like a huge butt for saying all these bad things about her if indeed she and he are supposed to work out. But to be quite honest, I hope things don't and I'm wondering more and more if it might not be a bad idea for me to at some point tell him how I really feel. I keep wondering if maybe that's why he's still with her. I dunno. <br /><br />I am in need of some retail therapy. I need a trip to Vickie's. I'm really hoping that Sharon sends me a giftcard and soon.<br /><br />But now... my head feels like exploding, so I should go to bed.<br /><br />I hope everything works out... man I am so angst-ridden.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-9160835868114243636?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-36105836162501247942008-08-18T21:43:00.003-04:002008-08-18T23:49:39.458-04:00By this time next week, I'll be back in Tennessee. I can't freaking believe it. Summer feels like it never happened.<br /><br />And my room is a wreck. It needs cleaning sooooo badly. I was supposed to go over to Jen and Erica's tonight, but ended up watching like three episodes of family guy with Dad, who is asleep on the couch at the moment. I couldn't take the stupid anymore, so I left him with the tv going. Shutting it off wakes him up. I'm home because I'm supposed to be packing but, as usual, am procrastinating. Ugh. I want to talk to someone but there's really nobody to talk to about mah issues.<br /><br />Good news on the Josh front however.<br /><br />So it seems that Josh overheard a teacher (or two possibly) talking about how getting married pre college degree was a bad idea, and suddenly, everything that we had all been saying (and when I say "we" I mean... pretty much everyone in his life. Even his dad who was all for it at first) clicked into place. And so he called his mom and told her he decided to wait until after he's gotten his degree to marry Ralph(Lauren). So she called up the teacher and told them how grateful she was that they had said something about it.... in josh's earshot or whatever.<br /><br />But then came the daunting challenge of announcing the news to Ralph. Ralph who, according to Josh, was cool with just walking away from the relationship at the first signs of it not being the right thing for them to do. So in theory, this news shouldn't have bothered her at all. They are SO in love that a year or two or three*cough*ORNEVER*cough* shouldn't matter. But instead, she blew a gasket and on top of that, fed josh some line about how her parents (who are rolling in it I should add) aren't going to pay for her college tuition.<br /><br />So in closing, I am praying that Josh stays steadfast in his decision even if it means losing Ralph.<br /><br />Now I just really wish he would answer my texts.<br /><br />And that I would stop feeling so creepy liking a younger guy. (hah I just realized that josh and I are the same distance apart in age as Chris and I were. And I always thought it was dumb that he felt creepy dating me. Hah.)<br /><br />Whatever.<br /><br />I keep trying to test myself to see if this is for real or not. Coz I feel kind of like this might just be like a summer infatuation thing. But I think it might not be. I dunno. I'm just really glad that he's made this decision. I mean if he and lauren are supposed to be together then... they should be, but not before he's like... looked around at least a little. Couldn't that cause problems later on, marrying so young? Especially with Josh being... the way he is.<br /><br />Oh wow I miss him. I want to talk to him right now. I'd sign on to AIM but there's people I don't want to talk to on there probably. Ugh. I'll just marinate in my angst instead.<br /><br />GUESS WHAT?? Chris is going to Mongolia! YES! One less thing to shit myself over. When he comes back everything will be fine. Finefinefinefine. I feel like an ass for being so excited but.... I can't really help it. I've been kind of dreading the whole let's-pretend-nothing-ever-happened-even-though-I-totally-blew-off-that-one-super-awkward-kiss-which-in-fact-was-a-kiss-and-not-as-I-so-lamely-put-it-a-request-for-a-kiss.....*GASP*..... yea. Nobody wants that. Especially not me.<br /><br />Oh how I want to call josh up and talk. Stupid academy cell phone rules. I guess I'll just give calling him tomorrow a shot. Sarah told me the good times to call him.<br /><br />Jeez I sound really obsessed. I'm not. It's just kind of really on my mind right now, so I felt like I'd just spill my guts in one fell swoop.<br /><br />But now I'm feeling like sleep. Goodnight. I probably won't write again untill I'm back to school.<br /><br />Oh how i want it to be summer forever.<br /><br />XO<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-3610583616250124794?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-12421663973022452072008-07-31T23:20:00.005-04:002008-07-31T23:48:48.930-04:00So apparently I can't keep up my blog to save my life... Well that's ok, I don' t think anyone reads this besides me. No big, fo shizzle.<br /><br />Meh. I've been shopping today to take my mind off of other things. Things that I only ended up thinking about later. It was a good day shopping wise. Went to Salvation Army, coz apparently it's closing (My mom told me that and I thought she meant all Salvation armies everywhere... but apparently it's just the one near us.) I got a big button down shirt, two narrow ties, two Oscar de la Renta bras (that are too big, but I'm hoping I can make them smaller... Yay for not really needing bras!) and a Queen t-shirt (as in the band. I'm hoping to resize it into something cool.) I also found three cds... one is some sort of mix cd, a Ryan Cabrera CD (I figure what the hell? It was like 50 cents) and a Sixpence None the Richer single (Kiss Me of course). Thennn... we went to TJ Maxx and they were selling tons of American Eagle swag, which didn't exactly thrill me except for the fact I was paying probably less for it than people who actually work at AE. MUAHAHAHAHAHA. I got two AE sweaters (A snowflake looking pullover and a grey cardigan) and a sick non-AE trenchcoat. This one looks like it might actually repel water unlike my other one. Oh and some body scrub. Keeping the dry skin at bay as usual.<br /><br />Hahah I really don't know why I just listed all that stuff. Probably to avoid talking about what I'm about to talk about. ABOUTABOUTABOUTABOUT.<br /><br />Ahem.<br /><br />Welllllll.... I've basically fallen for Josh, aaannnddd... he's leaving tomorrow.... to go back to his fiancee/girlfriend/Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm deal, and.... our goodbye was a load of shit and.... I miss him a lot....and.... I don't think he likes me.....and..... I wanna throw up.<br /><br />I think I've more or less missed my chance with him. I hate it when I like really flirty guys, it makes it so hard to tell when they are being serious and when they're just.... being really flirty.<br /><br />AND ON TOP OF IT ALL, ONCE AGAIN, i HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE YOUNGER THAN ME!! WHAT THE HELL!!<br /><br />*sigh*<br /><br />I sort of felt like I should have told him, but.... I chickened out again. I prayed about it and decided that if he hasn't dumped her by the end of the year that it's not meant to be. I think telling him now would just make things really awkward or hard or .... unnecessary. But I wondered if I told him how I felt if maybe he'd dump his girlfriend for me... or at least think about it. When I told him I was going to break up with Chris he got really excited and stuff, like... lucky him or something. I should have picked up on it at the time, but of course I'm a blithering idiot.<br /><br />Which brings me to something else. I ended up dating Chris for a monthish. That was... interesting/complex/difficult. Like at first it seemed like everything would work out and I wasn't going to put an expiration date on anything. Then... my friends met him. And then... I re-evaluated my decisions. And then.... Josh happened. So... there you have it. And I'm pretty much fine with how that turned out. So far anyway.<br /><br />UGH I'm so nauseous right now. I may or may not have eaten some bad cream cheese this afternoon. It might also be my nerves/angst eating away at my stomach. Who knows?<br /><br />I'm hopefully going to call Sarah tomorrow and see how things went on the malcom-cote family outing. They were supposed to go to the beach today but it decided to pour, so who knows what happened?<br /><br />Whatever.<br /><br />I love josh. Dammit.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-1242166397302245207?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-48542792276284749622008-06-01T12:47:00.002-04:002008-06-01T13:00:24.253-04:00ugh.<br /><br />I am really on the edge of something bad today.<br /><br />I WISH I had a job. I hate just being around here with nothing to do. I feel pretty much worthless and... it's just really bad.<br /><br />Well I broke up with Michael. That went a lot better than expected. But of course I waited too long to write about it so I really don't feel like going into detail now.<br /><br />My stomach just feels really really sick. It's rather horrible.<br /><br />I started to feel better though, I've been cleaning and stuff, did my devotions, got back on my mental feet a little bit.<br /><br />THEN I went online and..... whoopdee freakin' doo, there's a new pic of Ryan and the gf.<br /><br />Why is it that I can't get over that kid? I mean seriously, this is friggin retarded. I guess I just need to ask God to take that away from me and give me peace. I am so angst-filled right now!<br /><br />Sitting still is def. NOT helping.<br /><br />I've been talking to Chris A LOT since I got out of school. I guess he wants to start a band with me, which sounds like it'll be fun. I am after all a band whore. A band whore with a highly contaigous case of Yoko Ono syndrome. Hopefully this one actually gets farther than past attempts.<br /><br />I either need one of two things. One (and most preferrable) lots and LOTS of boy exposure, or two, complete detachment from guys. Lol look! I'm falling into the either/or fallacy trap! AAAAKKKKKKK!!!!<br /><br />I hate people. A lot. My stomach is full of rabid butterflies. With razor blade wings.<br /><br />Back to productive things.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-4854279227628474962?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-18397722183969668632008-05-27T02:07:00.004-04:002008-05-27T02:13:06.019-04:00All I know is that I got three seperate sets of butterflies during the same IM conversation.<br /><br />And Michael hasn't called me. Which subsequently means I haven't broken up with him yet.<br /><br />Time to go to bed and maybe make a frantic stab at writing something.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-1839772218396966863?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-6367771633475490082008-05-04T23:08:00.002-04:002008-05-04T23:27:10.097-04:00Well I've been and gone and done it again.<br /><br />I went and told someone I like them when I know it's not mutual.<br /><br />Why? Whywhywhywhywhywhy do I do these things????<br /><br />Odd that I am having this particular dilemma.... WHEN I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!<br /><br />I hate me sometimes.<br /><br />But I'm brushing it off as just some passing emotio-hormonal hiccup, picking up the remains of my sorry person and trying to regain some sort of normalcy.<br /><br />And I'm hanging out on long island, which is cool so far. My first real day is tomorrow, so that's all exciting and whatnot.<br /><br />I'm really tired, and this blog post isn't going as well as I had hoped, so I think I may just call it quits now. While I'm ahead. Or something close to that.<br /><br />Shopping tomorrow? Check! Freshly-painted toenails? Check! Chillin' with Chris in the near future? Check! The invention of the phrase "emotio-hormonal hiccup"? Check!<br /><br />Maybe this blog post wasn't such a waste of time after all? Check!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-636777163347549008?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-33058979277428566112008-05-02T23:29:00.003-04:002008-05-03T00:48:51.639-04:00Oh geez...<br /><br />I really wish ehren would go online right now. I need someone to talk to about... things.<br /><br />I don't know I've just been really unsettled about Michael for quite a while now and it's feeling like I need to either piss or get off the pot.<br /><br />I talked to Mum about it some, and that was helpful. She's all "Oh two months isn't that long, you guys are just kids." And it's like..... ummm..... NO. She really does understand me better where this sort of thing is concerned. She and Sarah actually get it which is nice.<br /><br />I hate it that I can't just be happy. Michael is probably the nicest, most sincere person I've ever met, and he's good looking too and smart and everything, and I'm here wondering if I should break up with him. I guess a big part of the reason for my wondering is because I don't really think I'm the kind of person he would be happy with. I mean maybe he'd be temporarily happy, but not in the long run.<br /><br />And I also hate that I'm even THINKING about the long run. I shouldn't have to at all. Kind of ruins the fun of it. A lot.<br /><br />I just feel like we'd make better friends. And that maybe we weren't really good enough friends in the first place. I know how people say that dating your friends is a bad idea, but I pretty much think that's a load of crap. I mean, sure it sucks to lose a friend, but if it gets to the point where you feel like dating the person then the new phase of the relationship you're entering is probably something you're pretty sure will work out.<br /><br />I dunno.<br /><br />I don't want to hurt him is all. He doesn't deserve to be hurt.<br /><br />Most of the resason that this has all kind of come to a head is because when I was talking to him on Messenger and he goes "P.S. I love you." (How cliche is that?? Tres.) So I go "I <3 You too" after an extremely long pause. It felt really lame but I didn't want to say stuff that I didn't mean and "I love you" would not be a truthful statement for me. I am in great dislike of those who throw the L word around. Great. Dislike.<br /><br />I was hoping that some blog therapy would help me maybe decide what to do. But no. But.... I'm too tired to care at this point.<br /><br />Shine on you crazy diamonds.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-3305897927742856611?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-49937987409638157082008-04-20T23:35:00.004-04:002008-04-20T23:50:58.589-04:00HAPPY 90th POST!!!! WOOOOOHHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!<br /><br />Ugh I'm getting another cold. *cry* *wimper*<br /><br />ONLYAWEEKANDAHALFBEFOREIGETTOLEAAAAVVVVEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!<br /><br />I feel bad for wanting to leave coz it means I won't be seeing michael for quite some time. I'll miss him. Going home will leave me with a whole new list of things to miss. A much shorter list, granted, but a list none the less.<br /><br />I wonder what things will be like next year between us. The same? Better? Worse?<br />Only time will tell.<br /><br />Went to Strawberry festival and made Chris come with me in lieu of Jennifer (it is sooo hard to yank these academic types away from their homework). Michael was playing in a bunch of songs, so it would mean I wouldn't have anyone to sit with. And I won't have that, I'm sorry.<br /><br />It was kind of wierd though because I kept having the urge to hold his hand. I guess I'm just waaaayyy too used to being with just michael. hahahahahaha.<br /><br />There were quite a few technical difficulties during strawberry fest. Ryan must have been freaking out like crazy.<br /><br />He keeps promising to hang out with me. I do believe he is a lying sack of doorknobs.<br /><br />THERE IS AN ENDLESS AMOUNT OF PACKING TO DOOOO!!!!!!! I really really really want to throw everything all out. Just... start over next year.<br /><br />ohhh my throat... it buuuurrrrnnnnsssss.....<br /><br />goodnight.<br /><br />♥<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-4993798740963815708?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-85559392295280887822008-04-07T00:11:00.003-04:002008-04-07T00:31:00.393-04:00oh... wow.<br /><br />Well... I am for REAL not a kissing virgin anymore.<br /><br />that was so bizarre. Nothing like I expected.<br /><br />A lot wetter. Definitely.<br /><br />...<br /><br />Such wierd things went through my mind...<br /><br />our stomachs touching<br /><br />"I promised myself I wouldn't break away as soon this time"<br /><br />5 o'clock shadow on my cheek<br /><br />our lips are nesting<br /><br />like the movies<br /><br />everything's going so fast<br /><br />am I doing this right?<br /><br />was that tounge? Or teeth? Both?!<br /><br />He says something.... sounds are muffled<br /><br />I can get the door on my own... Really, I'm capable.<br /><br />wiping spit off my mouth when he's out of sight.<br /><br />What. Just. Happened.<br /><br /><br />Why do I feel so unexcited? Where was the rush? Why do I still feel like I have saliva on my face?<br /><br /><br />WHY CAN'T I JUST BE HAPPY??<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-8555939229528088782?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-30594107214179490312008-04-06T01:06:00.002-04:002008-04-06T01:14:20.608-04:00I hate how I operate.<br /><br />So I talked to Colby tonight online. Convo was going really slow so I thought I'd bring up... her. I thought I could handle it... I was wrong.<br /><br />I don't know why I do things like that to myself.<br /><br />I miss the way things used to be... before they got awkward. I don't know what happened or if it was my fault or what, but it's not the same anymore and it hurts so much.<br /><br />MANNN!!!<br /><br /><br />ugghh.<br /><br /><br />and three cheers for staph infections. NOT!!<br /><br />xxoo<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-3059410721417949031?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-19881636677264113242008-04-02T22:43:00.006-04:002008-04-20T23:20:01.368-04:00Hi.<br /><br />Well I really don't have that much to say today. I just remembered that I was going to blog the other night, so I'm doing it now... go figure.<br /><br />I almost fell asleep whilst standing on a step ladder today. It was really awkward. I need to not spend so much time doing nothing. It's really bad.<br /><br />Concerts, concerts, concerts! I guess I'm going to a casting crowns concert in the near future. Which may or may not conflict with me possibly going to a RACONTEURS concert!!!! OH MAN!! Another chance to see the steaming hot JACK WHITE in person with my own two eyeballs. There are two days of shows, so maybe... we'll see. I would SO MUCH RATHER go to the raconteurs concert, but I already said I was going to go to the casting crowns one with Michael. I've never even heard Casting Crowns.....<br /><br />*goes off to search for some sample tracks*<br /><strong></strong><br />Hmmm.... they sound a lot like a countryish version of Third Day.... meh.<br /><br />Well... The raconteurs show IS on two different days..... maybe there's still a chance.<br /><br />haha the band members of Casting Crowns look kind of really old. Laaaaame saaaaaauce.<br /><br />Hahah it's all good though.<br /><br />I'm really nervous to actually make out with michael. Like... kissing him is ok (when I actually hit his mouth.... yeah, don't you say a word or you'll be late.... THE late that is.) But.... I've never done what you might call.... extended kissing. And I shouldn't be nervous about it. How can you really go wrong? Wait.... hahahahha ohhhh man.<br /><br />I just wish that he'd take the lead. Like just.... go for it. I feel like it's on my shoulders. Not where it should be.<br /><br />He gave me an undershirt of his. I am wearing it right now. It has a disturbing stain right about where his left nipple would be.... I hope it's just a coincidence. It smells a lot like him. And tide to go, which I should mention smells AWFUL!!! OH MAN!! Plus I keep smelling my chemically hands which is not helping.<br /><br />Apparently Michael wears OLD SCHOOL old spice, not the axe type stuff.... which is kind of funny because his sister wears (A LOT) of Charlie..... Classics never die... I guess.<br /><br />Well I suppose I should do work. Ok.<br /><br />xoxoxo<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-1988163667726411324?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-23780133130383057202008-03-27T23:53:00.004-04:002008-03-28T00:13:42.696-04:00Hello.<br /><br />Well, it's been an interesting couple of days...weeks.....whatever.<br /><br />So I'm changing my major to public relations with a MINOR... in Graphic Design. Good move on my part I think. I'm really starting to enjoy my graphic design class... mostly coz I get to be creative in a decidedly artistic way. Hopefully the two things will be a good combo.<br /><br />I never really talked to any of the professors, but... I figured that whomever I talked to would be pretty biased one way or another, so.... what's the point? Plus Jeremy Moore gave me some packets about different careers which I think is going to be the most unbiased information I can get.<br /><br />College is going to be a lot more expensive this coming year. Which sucks. Coz I know dad is going to be ripped when he finds out. Plus I feel bad because my GPA is a bit lackluster which is also a bit of an understatement... of the century, but whatever. Yeah. It sucks. I'm getting better at school though I think... I hope... meh.<br /><br />I hate dissapointing people... especially myself.<br /><br />Next topic.<br /><br />I was feeling kind of wierd about the whole Michael thing for a bit. I was kind of worried he was getting a little serious about this whole relationship thing. But, I realized that.... he's really not. So all is good!<br /><br />I was feeling like maybe he liked me more than I liked him and that generally sucks. But I think I'm getting more comfortable with him, which is really good. I'm hoping that he's getting more relaxed around me too, it seems that way. It's good. I'm happier about it. At least today I am. Who knows about tomorrow.<br /><br />Ryan keeps promising to hang out with me sometime. I actually got to have what one might call a face-to-face conversation with him the other day, which was really nice. He's fun to talk to. As I've probably mentioned before. Yeah... I have.<br /><br />lalalalalalalala.<br /><br />I get to meet both of Michael's parents tomorrow. Joy. Unbound. Hahah I shouldn't be like that, his mom was really nice. I just hope it's not like some kind of interview... "Do you have any plans for deflowring our son? You look like a deviant. You better not be if you know what's good for you..." hahah I don't expect that. I really don't know WHAT to expect. But I guess we're going out to eat or something before vespers. I wonder if Lisa's boyfriend will be involved in this outing too. At least the pressure won't be completely on me. Muahahaha.<br /><br />Well whatever. I'm good enough for Michael. So far anyway. hahahah.<br /><br />I feel half empty tonight. Time for bed.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-2378013313038305720?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-43437135764716741942008-02-21T23:27:00.003-05:002008-02-22T00:28:11.707-05:00Welp!<br />I am dating Michael.<br /><br />It's going well so far. I'm like giddy-happy around him, which is nice. I wish he would relax, he always seems so nervous to me. There's really no need, I'm the last person to be nervous around. We held hands tonight for the first time... well unless you count dancing, where hand-holding is an unavoidable necessity. hahaha aaaanyway.<br /><br />It's not quiiiite how I imagined, but I'm not sure exactly what it was I imagined in the first place anyway, so... yeah.<br /><br />I don't know if I'm a gentleman's lady. I somehow doubt it.<br /><br />But I'm still happy, so as far as I'm concerned, that's all that matters.<br /><br />Maybe I'm somehow being uptight too, just in a different sort of way.<br /><br /><br />Amanda LeFurgy: making boys nervous from day one.<br /><br /><br /><br />I went to get career councelling. It went kind of bad at first because I may have said that I have feelings of worthlessness and that I sometimes think about hurting myself and I have self-image issues. That did not start us out on the right foot. But I sort of felt that my problems needed attention from SOMEONE, so... yeah.<br /><br />A little overdramatic? Maybe<br /><br />Anyhoo, he said Journalism was right for me. Kind of dissappointing, but... not at the same time, so that's good. I guess?<br /><br />I'm hungry. And have nothing to eat. And need to stop talking to Ehren and go to SLEEP.<br /><br />Goodnight<br />&hearts;<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-4343713576471674194?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-36400193293651888972008-02-09T01:08:00.000-05:002008-02-09T01:20:20.702-05:00Yay I have the room to myself for the WHOLE WEEKEND!!!<br /><br />IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES!!<br /><br />mostly, I've just been going around in my unda-pants. Something I miss doing strangely enough.<br /><br />It's still a pigstye in here. I <em>was </em>going to clean, I started to clean, but she is still messy. Possibly worse than before... somehow.<br /><br />Went to vespers with Michael. That was fun, but vespers gets over at kind of an awkward time. There's still the whole evening to blow and nothing really to do except to get love tips from Dr. Bietz....hhhhhhhhhhhhha. So I ended up going and hanging out with Sarah and her friends. They seem pretty cool. A couple of them used to be (possibly still are) into drugs, so, par usuale, that made things exciting.... somehow.<br /><br />Walked RIGHT BY Ryan on the stairs tonight and I was all "ryanmoore" and nothing. He was talking to someone but he could have at least given me a nod or something. I texted him a few hours ago but I haven't heard back. So THAT kind of pissed me off.<br /><br />Might go dancing again tomorrow. Woohooo?<br /><br />And sunday, I'm supposed to go to Michael's sister's house to eat. So that should be fun.<br /><br />Hahah I'm a mobster in Sonrise. That starts tuesday and I really hope it doesn't eat up my time too much. Because we all know how much I love to do homework. Or at least how long it takes me to do. Ha rumph.<br /><br />Jen and I had a heart-to-heart about boys the other day. I love those kinds of conversations. It started with me asking her if I should go out with Michael and ended with us talking about how much sex might hurt the first time. Which as I think about it is not that much of a stretch.<br /><br />Tired.<br />bed.<br />no makeup removal.<br />Still miss everything.<br />Still confused.<br />Still frusturated.<br />Still mad at myself for... everything.<br />bed.<br />goodnight.<br />♥<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-3640019329365188897?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-73291746069669273952008-02-03T11:01:00.000-05:002008-02-03T11:13:14.199-05:00well... yep!<br /><br />Hahah went dancing again. It was pretty sweet, not quite as much fun as last time, mostly coz it was super packed. I didn't get to dance with as many different people, but it was still pretty fun and I'm def. getting better at it. I spent like the whole day with Michael, which was cool, but kind of wierd, coz Sarah was there too. That was no problem, but... yeah it was different.<br /><br />oh man I don't know how I feel about Michael. I'm not sure if I like him enough to go out with him. I hate feeling blase about people. I don't know, I guess we'll just see how it goes.<br /><br />He went to black christian union church service with Sarah and Sahale and I and we accidentially ended up sitting really near his ex-girlfriend. Good grief she's ugly. Hahaha, I should talk.<br /><br />man I am a horrible person.<br /><br />At any rate, I don't want to be unfair to anyone. I sort of wish he could be more relaxed. I guess I should just not worry about it and like Sarah said, just give off a friendly vibe, which is what I hope I've been doing the whole time.<br /><br />bfidehgfoidjfkeutegkdf<br /><br />ha.<br /><br />bye!<br /><br /><3<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-7329174606966927395?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-2720760951448209592008-01-27T00:51:00.000-05:002008-01-27T01:05:43.209-05:00Well, here I am.<br /><br />12... almost 1 on a Sunday morning/saturday night. Supposed to be reading for philosophy, but... yeah I start being stupid around 11 usually, so smartnesswise, it's all downhill from that point on.<br /><br />Yep... haven't called Ryan. I am so freaking scared to though... I don't know why. I really want to call him and whatever, but I can't! There's some sort of barrier, I don't know what it is, maybe it has something to do with the time I tried to call him and it ended in a big clump of awkward.<br /><br />I don' t knoooooowww!! It's all so frusturating.<br /><br />Sort of got asked to vespers by Michael. Yeah idk, it was kind of wierd. He texted me and told me to tell Jen he "bought the hats" (hahah he bought these two hats that look like the one that South African dance instructor has... pretty sure he's michaels's hero.) So I was like "way to talk to Jen through me." Then he was all "I'm sorry! Do you want to go to vespers with me?" I think he used the word "escort" but... that word wierds me out. So I was like "Yes but can we bring Jen?" It was supposed to be funny, but he didn't really get it which kind of dissappointed us.<br /><br />So ANYWAY, we went to Vespers and ran into Chris, so Jen and I promptly started giving each other a hard time about the boys... pretty funny. She SAYS she doesn't like Chris, but... yeah I don't know, she probably doesn't. I think he likes her though and they're always talking about me and Michael.<br /><br />I don't know if I want to go out with him now/later/ever or what. He's really cool and I've kind of had a crush on him for a while, but I kind of like all of us hanging out. At least for now. I dunno, I think I get slightly wierded out by guys being all proper and shit. Is that bad? It might be. Guys holding doors open makes me uncomfortable kind of. Well not necessarily them holding open doors, but that kind of thing. I guess I just don't like being fawned over too much. Like once in a while is nice, but a steady diet and it stops meaning as much.<br /><br />I think I'm just really immature.<br /><br />And I think I want to call ryan right now. But I'm not going to. But I should. Because I think he's still up. But I don't KNOW that, so I'm not going to. But I'll call him tomorrow before the thing.<br /><br />yeah there's some symphony orchestra thing going on at 7 somehting tomorrow that Michael asked me to go to. I'm thinking about it if I'm not still swamped with homework. I like going to musical events. Especially when there's convo credit and acne infested band geeks who love the office as much as I do involved :] <br /><br />I miss talking to Ryan.<br /><br /><33<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-272076095144820959?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-11145296503892095672008-01-21T16:15:00.000-05:002008-01-21T16:35:16.719-05:00yay blog entry!<br /><br />I honestly don't know why I can't keep this freaking thing up. Tried to make an entry last night and failed miserably. I couldn't even keep focused enough to write one paragraph. hah whatever though.<br /><br />It took me sooooo long to finally rid myself of Todd. Freaking redic (Let's say freaking one more time.........................freakin'... right) hahahaah tired. But yeah, I had to write this letter that explained how I'm still trying to get my life together and whatever and how it wouldn't be healthy for either one of us to spend time together like... alone. Seriously though, what's the point? I have no desire to ever.... EVER go out with him again, and he really needs to find a girlfriend from what I hear him say. He's all "I hate being single, it blows so hard!!!!!!!" to Sarah all the time, and he used to be like that to me, but I must have done something to make him stop or whatever.<br /><br />Wheellll... enough bitching on THAT subject.<br /><br />I'm taking some sweet classes this semester. Philosophy is fuuuuuunnn.... need to read for that soon. I'm so excited about photography, even though my pictures didn't exactly turn out amazing this time around. Whatever though, I'm hopefull for the next go-round. Developing film is such a rush! When I'm doing it, I always want to do it exactly right since I spent so much time actually taking the pictures. Whatever, it's fun.<br /><br />I went swing dancing for the first time this weekend. It was sooo awesome! Jen and I went with Michael and Chris and Michael's sister. I forget her name, but she was in my writing for the media class. She's a really, really good dancer. Chris wasn't going to dance at first, but he ended up dancing.... twice. Hahah, he and Jen are soooo much alike at times. Redic. They would make the cutest couple ever. So I ended up dancing with Michael (a lot. He's pretty good. He taught me a lot of twirls and dips and whatnot), some guy Michael knows from Orchestra, Chris, Jen and then this dance instructor dude with a sweet british-y accent. He was really good and taught me the cha-cha, which I have promptly forgotten. But he was really cool. Hahahah unfortunately, I wore this full skirt, so I guess one time my underwear became apparent and Jen of course cracked up majorly. I'm kind of an idiot but it was the twirliest skirt I have so... haha well... I guess I'll know better next time.<br /><br />So yeah, that was fun.<br /><br />Sarah and Brittany came up to SEYC this weekend too. Sarah stayed in our room which was cool. I really miss her. I hope I can keep my sanity the rest of this semester.<br /><br />Ryan and Deanna broke uppppp!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!!! I'm calling him later today, which will mark about the second time we have talked on the phone since I got here. RAWR!!! I miss talking to him too. I may be able to do more of that now that he's not with her. Not that that was really the thing stopping me from talking to him anyway.... whatever, I'm really nervous about calling him for some reason. I am the biggest wimp.... EVER.<br /><br />And I miss Colby.<br /><br />And Matt.<br /><br />And Mom.<br /><br />And Jennifer.<br /><br />And my bed.<br /><br />I feel so alone and separated from everything. I hate it so much. And what's worse is I don't know whose fault it is.<br /><br />Well I think I'm all typed out for now.<br /><br />I'll try to be better about writing more regularly. It should be pretty easy. hahahahaha.... ahhh man.<br /><br /><33<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-1114529650389209567?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-44736537105135083682007-11-25T22:52:00.001-05:002010-05-23T23:27:48.682-04:00Holy cow…<br /><br />Well, hello there!<br /><br />SOOO MUCH SHIT has happened since July or whenever it was that I last posted.<br />I will try and do a recap/blow by blow of my life since then (because I have about, ohhh… three and a half hours to blow before I can check my suitcase for home. That’s right ladies and germs, I am trapped at Regan intl. airport until further notice. Will whatever airline I decide to use PLEASE try not to mess up? Again? Freakin’… second time in a row I’ve had to spend the night somewhere. At least Delta gave me a room, freakin’ US Air is making me sleep in the airport. Fuckers.)<br /><br />Ahem.<br /><br />Ok so shortly after the white stripes concert, I decided to tell Colby I liked him. Well I didn’t really decide, it was more like he made me think he liked me so I said something. Turns out Laura has her claws in him deep. Probably all for the best anyway. Luckily we are still good friends. I hope. Lately he’s either really busy or I am bugging the crap out of him because it seems like there is no possible way to get ahold of him.<br /><br />{Still not over him for the record. Silly, I know. Know, but don’t care}<br /><br />So I went to college. Oh man… I don’t even know where to start. I was kind of hoping I would get to see Sarah and Ryan more (bahahahah) but…. Yeah, NOT. Whatever though. I understand. Kinda.<br /><br />So I’ve basically had to make my own way in the world. Which has had its moments, but has pretty well panned out overall I suppose. I finally dated Todd for a while. My roommates were all really freaked out when I hung out with him for the first time. I was super freaked out too, but I went with him anyway. Whether or not that was terribly smart of me was another thing entirely.<br /><br />Todd… man how do I even begin?<br /><br />The boy had some really weird ideas about things, which I mostly just ignored. I felt really bad mostly because I always had the feeling that he was way more into me than I was into him. Turns out that’s kind of a sucky feeling. I always kind of imagined it to be kind of cool (secretly) but it really isn’t. I’m horrible. He was really sweet… too sweet. That turned out to be his downfall, at least for me it was. I seem to have a little bit of a skewed version of how things are supposed to go relationship wise. Well, either I do or he does. He would always say “I want this to be your best relationship. The relationship by which all of your following relationships are based.” Sweet… yet oddly disturbing. And then near the end of the relationship, he would show up at school unannounced. This REALLY weirded me out, and I don’t know if it should have. I mean, if I REALLY liked him, I should have been psyched to see him. But it was just really creepy to me.<br /><br />At any rate, I dumped him. Well I like to think of it as a mutual thing because during a rather deep discussion about where our relationship was headed and about how it was stressing me out school wise (which apparently was more important than him according to him…. NOT), he was all “I feel like I should break up with you, but I don’t want to if YOU don’t want to, because I still want to go out with you” and so on.<br /><br />Freakin’…. This is making me tired. I’ll write more later if I get the chance.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-4473653710513508368?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-26031654367914422772007-07-23T02:16:00.001-04:002007-07-23T02:24:50.023-04:00Holy crap!!<br /><br />I just experienced THE MOST AMAZING weekend of my life.<br /><br />It was... soo good.<br /><br />Hanging out with awesome friends.<br /><br />No awkward lugbuggyness.<br /><br />outdoors by water.<br /><br />SWIMMING!!<br /><br />Taking sweetly shmegged-up photographs.<br /><br />Meeting the demands of the canoe trip from a not-fun place.<br /><br />And most wonderful of all... WHITE STRIPESSSSS CONCERT!!!!<br /><br />The beautiful and talented white stripes who ROCK LIVE!!<br /><br />Liquid sleep.<br /><br />Feeling strong and confident in a crowd of stupid people.<br /><br />Blind driving.<br /><br />Midnight discussions about feelings and how it's ok to feel them.<br /><br />And now... sleep.<br /><br />I. Love. Everything.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-2603165436791442277?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-16793044033290450962007-07-16T00:08:00.000-04:002007-07-16T00:25:24.314-04:00Good grief.<br /><br />I love how my brain shuts down every time I try to talk to Ryan.<br /><br />EVERY FREAKING TIME!!!<br /><br />I go into flaming retard mode the second we start having a conversation. It’s bleeding horrible.<br /><br />I can’t describe anything, all ability to talk in complete sentences is gone, I have this intense need to agree with everything and avoid conflict at all costs (which is how I operate anyway…). IT’S HORRIBLE!!<br /><br />I hope I can keep it together when we actually are around each other in person. If strawberry festival is anything to go by, then it doesn’t look good.<br /><br />BAAHHH!! He troubles me to no end. <br /><br />I was so excited about talking to him tonight, and then the second he comes on the phone it’s all “Oh, ahhh, ummm….” And other sundry nonsense. I HATE IT!!<br /><br />Ok I guess it’s time to stop beating myself up… now.<br /><br />I don’t get it at all. It’s like I can’t be normal around him. It’s physically impossible to even make sense. Even now when I’m not talking to him I’m having a hard time thinking coherently.<br /><br />It’s either that or the fact that it’s midnight and I’m running on maybe… 6 ½ hours of sleep… yeah I’m gonna blame it on that. Good idea.<br /><br />In summary:<br /><br />Went on the date with Ben. It was interesting and ended well (and by ended well I mean we’re just friends… or so I think)<br /><br />Had a sweet weekend hanging out with matt n Colby and sarah and the gang. Colby’s coming to White Stripes with us next weekend. Yay!<br /><br />Oh MAN I need sleep so I can be coherent again. I miss being smart.<br /><br />I guess Ryan’s hair is purple-y blue now. Typical. Freakin’ raver. <br /><br />*drool*<br /><br />Goodnight!<br /><br /><33<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-1679304403329045096?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-39842200343244954832007-07-07T00:46:00.000-04:002007-07-07T01:17:52.248-04:00Shit!<br /><br />Auuugggghhhh the most awkwardest thing happened just now….<br /><br />Shhhiiiiiittttttt!!!<br /><br />*hyperventilation* Ok…ok… all better…<br /><br />Fricken’ A, this always happens to me.<br /><br />And I don’t want to talk about it.<br /><br />BITCH!!<br /><br />Ok… I completely forgot what it was I wanted to write about.<br /><br />Oh right, I’m going on a date with Ben. We were supposed to be going to see Ratatouille Saturday night, but because the showings after sunset were so late we decided to just go Thursday afternoon. I never really thought I would be going on a date with him, but surprise, surprise. I’m not really sure if I like him or if I confused liking him with just being in total awe and admiration of his intense geekiness. Hard to tell.<br /><br />Still really don’t want a boyfriend right now. But this seems harmless.<br /><br />It’s so weird… he always seemed so business-like. I think I must have had the vibes going a little strong. Maybe? I don’t know.<br /><br />I’m just really, really hoping things don’t end badly.<br /><br />And three cheers for Ex (otherwise known as Excedrin.) Ex is just such a cooler word for it.<br /><br />I think since I’m outta cool new things to talk about that…*sigh*… I’m ready to talk about awkward new things instead. Or what happened earlier this post.<br /><br />K well talked to Ryan on the 4th/5th (yeah it was super late) and I told him about my first kiss, and he explained to me why it wasn’t really my first kiss. I guess that since I didn’t really feel affected by it at all, that all it really was was a lip touch. (Or, as he called it, a brother sister kiss, which is NOT how I like to think about it. At all)<br /><br />ANYWAYS, he went on to describe (in unnecessary detail I might add) his “first” kissing experience and how intense it was. It was a good story and he got really worked up. We went on to talk about other things obviously, but when I got off the phone I was all bummed out. I guess it was because it took me so long to get this lip touch that it made me wonder if I’d ever have a serious kiss any time soon. He said something about waiting until my wedding day, buuuttt…. Hopefully I’m not that undesirable.<br /><br />So then I IMed him this afternoon and told him I was bummed out by our conversation and he’s like “You can call me if you wanna talk about it” and I said “K well I’ll call you later.” So I texted him like an hour ago to see if he could talk and he didn’t answer. I thought about it and thought about it and decided to just go ahead and call him. What was the worst that could happen?<br /><br />I obviously didn’t see THIS coming…<br /><br />So after about five false starts I finally dialed his whole number without hanging up. It rang and rang and rang and I was praying “Pleeeeease let his answering machine pick up” (I was worried that he’d be asleep and I’d wake him) And then, just as I was about to hang up, he answers and in like one breath he goes “Hey Amanda, sorry I can’t talk I’m getting my car towed, feel good about yourself, I’ll talk to you later.” And I manage to stammer out “Ok bye” somewhere in there. And I’m 110% positive that there were other people there.<br /><br />I know it doesn’t sound like much but trust me… IT WAS PURE MORTIFICATION.<br /><br />SHIT! Why do I never listen to that little, nagging voice in my head? It’s there FOR A REALLY GOOD REASON!<br /><br />K, well, there’s my sad story. I hope someone still loves me.<br /><br />Oh wait, someone does.<br /><br />And that someone would be Ben.<br /><br />HAAAAAAH.<br /><br />‘Night loves.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-3984220034324495483?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-44483671143723590312007-06-26T22:27:00.000-04:002007-06-26T22:41:16.484-04:00Wow I don't really know what to say...<br /><br />Ceased caring about Josh. Good plan I'd say. That way if he never does call me (an act I no longer feel the need to carry out) I won't care.<br /><br />Highlighted my hair blonde in a fit of menstrual je ne sais quoi and was subsequently forced to re-dye it brown. It looks pretty cool now, a very light brown with some still, quite noticeable highlights. I really rather regret doing it, but in the same sense I'm glad I did it because.... hahah I don't know. I'm proud of me for acting on impulse for once. Wait... that's all I ever do.............<br /><br />Anyway...<br /><br />Went to Matt's birthday party on Saturday. That was pretty cool. It was kind of awkward because it was mostly his family there and... well for part of it I kind of felt like I wasn't fitting in well at all. We went out to eat at a mexican restaurant in Waterville and then came back to Matt's house and watched Milo and Otis. Everything from the ride home on went fine. I really like hanging out with Matt and Colby mostly because I really feel like I can be my awkwardly weird self around them and not feel like I have to hold much back. Of course they probably think I'm freaking weird, but I feel the same way about them most of the time so it all evens out. <br /><br />I don't know... just really fun.<br /><br />I really need to work on getting my life (and by life I mean room) together. Seriously it's getting soooo rediculus. I can't even walk without stepping on something. Tomorrow..... is another day.<br /><br />And I have to open, soooo... goodnight.<br /><br />*kisses!*<br /><br />&hearts;<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-4448367114372359031?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-8873090351766392532007-06-21T00:25:00.000-04:002007-06-21T00:49:27.258-04:00Well since I have nobody to talk to (as it is a half hour into tomorrow) I’m just going to have an all-out bitch session right now.<br /><br />Which is really not a helluva lot different than any other blog post.<br /><br />This one is just complete, unabashed bitching and moaning.<br /><br />I am really upset about this whole not-talking-to-Josh thing. It’s just REALLY getting to me. Horribly. I feel so bad right now. Horrible mood. I feel lonely and ugly and pissed off and confused and fat and depressed and just every other bad thing I could possibly be feeling right now. Honestly, this is what shit must feel like.<br /><br />I’ve been thinking about it though, and I’ve decided to call him while I’m at the mall on Friday (Yep. Going to the mall with Colby and Matt. I should be really excited right now, but of course… I’m not.) That way I can casually throw that into the conversation, thereby making myself seem less desperate whilst being surrounded by moral supporters (I hope.) I really want to call him now, but… it’s late.<br /><br />OOOOOHHHHHHHHH WHY does this happen to ME all the time???<br /><br />I was over to Alex’s today to play badminton (yet another reason why I should be happy… but nothing.) and… I dunno… seeing Alex and Colin together just made me even more depressed. Well it made me start thinking about it anyway. They’re still awkward-ish (def. getting better, but it’s there) but their relationship is … admirable. Even through the awkwardness.<br /><br />I envy their happiness.<br /><br />I HATE FEELING UGLY. I feel ugly and fat and… acne infested.<br /><br />It had better be that time of the month. That’s the ONLY explanation I could have for this mood. And that had better be the explanation.<br /><br />I’m SO UNSPEAKABLY SICK of this not-knowing-what-the-hell-his-deal-is shit.<br /><br />I don’t know what I want. At all. I don’t really want a boyfriend, like an official boyfriend. I guess all I really want is some guy to hang around with. Like a friends with benefits, easy on the benefits. Hahahahahah. Yeah I think I’m alone on that one…<br /><br />I think. I don’t know. And that’s what I hate. That’s what’s driving me crazy right now.<br /><br />I have to know.<br /><br />What he wants.<br /><br />If he even cares.<br /><br />I think far too much.<br /><br />Goodnight.<br /><br />…<br /><br />I just need to make him see that I do care.<br /><br />Because I really do.<br /><br />Now.<br /><br />Now that it’s too late.<br /><br />(possibly)<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-887309035176639253?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-14704593637241304212007-06-18T21:32:00.000-04:002007-06-18T21:34:28.246-04:00Hey!<br /><br />Well… I’m graduated! It’s weird, I don’t feel different at all. In fact, it doesn’t even feel like summer even. Which is pretty annoying.<br /><br />Went to Project Grad. I really wish I’d written about this closer to when it happened, but… whatever.<br /><br />So… here’s how it went down… well the interesting bits anyway.<br /><br />So we’ve been at P.G. for quite a while (it’s about… ooohh… 3:30 ish in the morning) and I’m hanging out at the bouncy jousting thing that was there and Josh saunters over and is like “So you wanna go watch a movie or something?” And I’m like “Sure.” We get about five feet from my crowd and he’s like “And by watch a movie I mean find somewhere to snuggle.” I’m thinking “Duuuh!” (Sheesh I feel like a valley girl or something… meh)<br /><br />Couple minuites later, we came back to the jousting place (everyone else had gone) and we’re just snuggling or whatever the hell. I’m like half asleep, and since I’m not experienced in the field of making out, I’m just kind of using him as a giant pillow. Josh starts playing with his phone, so I’m like “Bored?” and he goes “Yeah.”<br /><br />Sweet! Huge… erm… confidence boost or whatever.<br /><br />Anyway, Leigh is leaping around like a lemur on steroids, so Josh and I ended up going over to the other bouncy thing for further cuddling. But there were a ton of his friends there, which was awkward ish. So that went on for a while. And then, a while into it, we ended up kissing. Twice.<br /><br />Yep. Lost my kissing virginity. WOoo HoooOO.<br /><br />It was weird though. I sort of thought it would be more scary or something, but there really wasn’t much to it.<br /><br />Haven’t seen him in forever. It makes me really sad. I sent him a facebook comment (yeah got Facebook and I have one thing to say. Myspace pwns it.) but haven’t heard back. I wish I knew more… but I don’t.<br /><br />If he doesn’t call within like… a week and a half… I’ll call.<br /><br />It makes me sad, but at the same time, this is pretty much what I wanted. But not really, I did kind of want to hang out with him more than I am (which is not at all at the moment.) It was really hard trying to nail him down even when we were seeing each other every day at school. Whatever.<br /><br />I HATE working so much. It really sucks. The managers are making me want to just throw a huge fit.<br /><br />Ben and I are friends on Facebook. He is just too cool for words. Absolutely too cool.<br /><br />RAAAAWWWRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br /><br />*cry*<br /><br /><33<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-1470459363724130421?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-2559664370651380452007-06-04T08:01:00.000-04:002007-06-04T08:04:29.478-04:00Well here I am in creative writing, being totally and completely uncreative or in any other way artistic, so I’m just going to do this freewrite now. <br /><br />Blueberry fields with huge bears noshing on anything they can get their hands on. Fiery volcano killing the town below with its molten death. Mud huts swallowed by the inevitable. Bicycles, plastic water jugs, fields of rice, pigs. Only the villagers are able to escape untouched. But they are touched. They have nothing but the clothes on their backs and the children in their arms. What will become of them now? Out of things, out of things, out of things, we are a society full of things. We want things, we need things. To feel important, to feel valuable. Life is more than things. It’s all about the skills you have. Non-perishable belongings that will never be lost, like riding a bicycle. Wow it just took me like ten minutes to figure out how to spell bicycle. I get the I and the Y mixed up for some reason. Sometimes I wonder if I’m dyslexic. Bicycle takes me ten minutes to figure out but I spell dyslexic on the first try. Something isn’t right with that. <br /><br />I don’t know what to write about. I am really excited about making my newspaper dress. I hope it doesn’t rip and that it fits and everything. Working on it just makes me really happy. I’m so content when I’m sewing. Even though I’m not really sewing anything it’s just tape and newspaper. It’s going to be absolutely the coolest thing I have ever made, if it doesn’t rip. Now I’m going all catatonic schizophrenic with thinking about it. That’s what happens when I think really hard. I hold completely still and look off into the distance. It must seem really weird to other people, and I didn’t realize how much I do it until I started work on the dress. <br /><br />I don’t want to write creatively... Most of what I have written has a secret meaning that only I know about. Almost every poem is written about some emotion I've had in the past. A lot of the ones from first quarter aren’t out of my emotional memory bank and they aren’t nearly as good. I hadn’t really experienced any of the things that I wrote about in those early poems, so I couldn’t do the description of those emotions justice. That and I was all about writing depressing things. Emo poetry tends to be my genre of choice unfortunately. It’s like Mr. Klofas said: "Happy people don’t do anything but daydream. Sad people write." Actually he didn’t exactly say that, but it was something to that effect. It’s really true too. I guess. Even the poems I write to be happy poems have bitter undertones. I wrote 1337 after poetry night when my friend and I were talking about how depressing everyone’s poetry was. I wrote it to be a happy poem, and it is (more than the others I’ve written) but you can tell that the speaker is trying to pull themselves out of some kind of depressing situation (“Happy and free from all that shit”) Like there used to be really big problems but now they’re walking away. It just seems bitterly happy. I don’t think I’d want to write anything extremely perky though, because that sort of poetry doesn’t reflect life. There aren’t many situations where life is just purely happy without any worries or concerns. I think that a life like that would be boring after a while, honestly. Nothing makes life really interesting like a good unrequited love or confusion over a life changing decision or maybe it’s just a lack of money. Really, those are the things that make us interesting and that drive us to express our pent-up emotions in writing and other art forms. <br /><br />Mr. Klofas’ quote really doesn’t work for traditional art, mostly just writing. Happy people are probably as likely to paint something as an unhappy person. They would probably paint something really sappily cute though. Puppies and still lives of flowers leap to mind. But happy people aren’t going to write much. <br /><br />Now, as I think about who’s in this class, there are some happy people. Funny though, they all seem to write sad poems, things about boys being stupid, family turning their backs on them, the stuff country songs are made of. I guess everyone has some kind of a dark side to them; they don’t necessarily have to be an angry person. I don’t think I’m unhappy, but I guess I could be a little dark at times. I’m having some pretty profound thoughts right now. Exciting! Too bad I’m running out… <br /><br />I’m really glad about having a job, even though I kind of hate it. Well I guess hate is too strong a word, more like I’d rather not have to stand for like four hours straight and have to deal with angry people who want their Camel wide pack medium-light mentholated 100 ¾’s NOW or they might just leap over the counter and strangle me. There are only 5,784,754,827,483 different kinds of cigarettes and I’ve been working, what? … 3 DAYS. <br /><br />Well class is over now… time to work on that dress!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-255966437065138045?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-68384945426648780132007-06-04T07:58:00.000-04:002007-06-04T08:01:04.865-04:00The Anatomy of a Moment<br /><br />I step out into the cold, clear night, holding my thin coat tightly around my torso in an effort to keep out the sneaky breeze that flits through the air. I tilt my face upward. The western sky still glows as the fading light lingers, undergoing the transition between glorious, cloudless day to forbidding night. <br /><br />But the night is not so forbidding this minute. It is awe-inspiring, causing the earth below to fall into a state of total reverence. The azure skies of several hours earlier have given way to deep indigo velvet studded with diamond-esque stars. Along the horizon, a lighter blue haze causes the imperial heavens to seem electrified, alive. This is a night for greatness, a night where one looks inside oneself in the face of the complete vastness and, while seeing the good and the bad, realizes that though they may not have done everything right, they’ve ultimately done the right thing.<br /><br />As I stand, pondering life, trying to be introspective, I realize I don’t want to forget any of what I am feeling now. I want this fragment of time to be forever halted in my memory. I try to take in everything humanly possible. The smell of the air (crisp, clean springtime, fresh dirt and a whisper of wood smoke.) The light, chill breeze that gently moves my hair across my face. The beautiful, unnamable color of the sky and the brilliance of the few stars sprinkled against it. The glow of the horizon as the sun wakes the other half of the globe and, as I turn, the ominous black-blue of the night to come. <br /><br />Then I solidify this place in time. I can feel my weight balanced on the precipice of change and the future is the flood below. I feel the tension of the assembled masses behind screaming for me to do the inevitable. Faces in the crowd: my parents, my friends, my teachers. Even I am among them, chanting with the mob “Jump! Jump! Jump!” Suddenly the ground beneath my feet is gone as I hurl myself into the void, arms open wide and head flung back. I soar downwards with unbridled energy, but as I prepare to make contact, I continue to fall, the water so close and yet never quite in reach. <br /><br />That is where I am now. On the very doorstep of change. Falling and out of control, my goal always evading me. But this night envelops me and my mass of insecurities, reassuring me that I’ll be fine and above all, that I need to rest. I turn to go back to the warmth of my home, thinking about how nice it was to be alone in the dark.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-6838494542664878013?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-32608141675178324072007-06-04T07:53:00.000-04:002007-06-04T07:57:14.970-04:00Dead<br />Floating to the top of the bowl<br />Pounding heartbeat growing fainter in my ears<br />Time slows to a stop in the fading light<br />No control over<br />Motions<br />Emotions<br />Actions<br />Yours or mine<br /><br />Shock like morphine<br />Can’t feel the pain but it’s there<br />Flying under the radar for now.<br />I want a reaction.<br />I want tears down my face,<br />My soul in flames,<br />Put my heart in the blender and call it a day.<br />I don’t want to be this island.<br /><br />Don’t isolate me here.<br />You won’t be the first,<br />You won’t be the last<br />But don’t be the one now<br />I can’t handle that.<br /><br />I want you to talk to me.<br />Remember what you said.<br />I want you to smile again.<br />Forget what I said.<br /><br />Was I too much trouble?<br />Well I’m sorry.<br />I thought you cared more than that.<br />(If you don’t, tell me.)<br />I thought you were smarter than that.<br />(If you aren’t, I want to know.)<br />I thought you were telling the truth.<br />(If you weren’t, say something.)<br /><br />Don’t feel like you’re the only one<br />Who aches for someone’s arms<br />(holding you tight)<br />Who wants to be loved so damn bad<br />(my eyes get sheltered by the lids)<br />Who misses being kissed<br />(we touch lips as I wake up)<br /><br />Be someone’s hero.<br />You might as well be mine.<br /><br />00728<br />In the middle of this vast sea of humanity<br />I am more alone than I have ever been before<br />Pushed along by the crowd’s ebb and flow<br />Staring blankly at no one in particular<br />But everyone at once.<br /><br />Then, there are two in my universe<br />I turn and there you are<br />Waiting for me<br />Me…<br />The stars have aligned<br /><br />My mind shuts down and I run<br />Waves of happiness as you speak into my neck,<br />The sounds vibrating from your head to mine.<br />I breathe your sweet scent <br />I am complete.<br /><br />Suddenly<br />You’re saying something<br />I’m not saying anything<br />But that’s only because I can’t hear you.<br /><br />Then you smile as you turn to leave,<br />You reach out and touch my arm<br />And you’re gone.<br /><br />Wait, there was so much I had to say!<br />So much…<br />But I would never say what I really wanted to <br />Even if I could have thought of it.<br />Everything would be ruined then.<br />The moment is over now, a flash in the pan.<br />At least I know this will not be the end.<br /><br />1337<br />Breaking out<br />Getting free<br />Finding out <br />What it is to be me<br /><br />Done playing games<br />No more drowning in the sea<br />Nothing’s gonna be the same<br />What’s it mean to be me?<br /><br />Can’t hold me back<br />Don’t even bother trying<br />Getting this life back on track<br />So over all my crying<br /><br />I won’t be making more amends.<br />Do I know you?<br />Do you want us to be friends?<br />Yeah, I do too.<br /><br />Left my baggage at the train <br />I’m not going back to get it<br />Arms outstretched, running in the rain<br />Happy and free from all that shit.<br /><br />Kissing it all goodbye<br />Kissing it all goodbye<br />Kissing<br />It <br />All <br />Goodbye.<br /><br />68983<br />Ready to fight<br />Weapons loaded<br />Shaking things up<br /><br />Tribal fires blaze around us<br />Sparks rise to join the stars<br />Faces obscured with paint<br />Trappings of battle covering our bodies<br />Intricate motions in time to the steady beat<br />Mesmerizing, beautiful.<br /><br />Breath taken away<br />We’ll take your breath away<br />We are strong<br />We are warriors<br />Won’t be stopped<br /><br />Many will stand to join.<br />Few will stand with us.<br />Fewer still will have what it takes <br />To survive the night.<br /><br />Behind our lifted masks<br />Behind the pins and needles<br />Behind the tatters and broken glass<br />Lies our truth.<br />You see, <br />We are fragile<br />Delicate<br />Pure<br />This is part of who we are.<br /><br />Cohorts<br />Fashionistas<br />We’ll take your breath away.<br /><br />73926<br />Rain soaks the streets<br />Pollution sky looks down<br />Sheds tears at what is seen.<br /><br />Gentle hum of the motor<br />Steady tap of rain on sheet metal<br />Looking up at the diffused light<br />On this high-contrast day<br /><br />Leap from safety into the damp<br />Into a lake<br />Turn towards the cab<br />A burst of color in this grey, grey world<br />Soon swallowed in the distance<br /><br />Running for the safety of indoors<br />Up the stairs.<br />Turn left.<br />There’s the door.<br />Inside now.<br />Home.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-3260814167517832407?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-63912682463596796062007-06-03T21:02:00.000-04:002007-06-03T21:16:16.131-04:00Hey.<br /><br />Busy day.<br /><br />I had work all morning. There really wasn’t anyone to talk to, just this one old lady who thought it would be cool to tell me what to do. Not. But I got out at noon, then had to book it over to Bac-Bac. Got to sing for that which went well, so I’m told. It was all nice and echo-y in the church, so it was fun. Then Alex and I went over to Josh’s graduation party…<br /><br />Which depressed me because… ohhh I don’t know. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it just really seems like he doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore. I’m going to just talk to him and see what he wants to do, if anything. It’s annoying because everyone else is so annoyed by him. But he’s really a good kid. I don’t know… my head feels like it’s bleeding.<br /><br />Then after the party Alex and I went to Dunkin’ Donuts and hung out just talking for like an hour and a half. It was really fun and we’re gonna go again tomorrow.<br /><br />I just really feel like complaining right now, but my head feels so fuzzy that I can’t even think straight. I neeed sooooo muuuucch sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppp.<br /><br />I just really miss hanging out with Josh… I don’t really know if he feels the same way. Frusturating. I wrote him on myspace, but he never writes back. Ever.<br /><br />I have things to do. Goodnight.<br /><br />*long sigh*<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-6391268246359679606?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-10509275906575450572007-05-27T00:55:00.000-04:002007-05-27T01:27:50.765-04:00Sooo…<br /><br />What’s new…<br /><br />I have a job now. It’s kinda nice to know I’ll be getting money in the mail someday. I’m working at the same Rite Aid Tanya works at in Winthrop. Everyone in there is really nice, but some of the managers scare me with their insensitive ways. I always have the feeling that I’m doing something really, really wrong or that they’re going to be like “You’re a total idiot, please leave” or something like that. Iiii don’t know. Hopefully all works out well. I’ve worked three times. The people whose names I remember are:<br /><br />Danielle. I met her the first day. She seems really nice, but the second time I worked with her she didn’t really talk to me much. I think I may have weirded her out the first day. Whaaatever.<br /><br />Buddy. Super nice manager dude. Very friendly and helpful. I wish he was the only mananger there, but I can’t have everything it seems.<br /><br />Deb. One of the other managers. The first day of work, she told me that what I was wearing was totally inappropriate. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!<br /><br />Pam. Flat affect manager who smokes like crazy. She always seems to be out smoking when I need her to take money out of my register. Annoying.<br /><br />And finally, Ben. He’s right up there with buddy. I feel kind of bad because I’m always asking him how to do stuff. Very talkative and friendly. He has a facebook and I’m really tempted to try and add him as a friend, but I don’t know how appropriate that would be at this time. The first day I met him, he said my voice was familiar and I kept feeling like I’d seen him somewhere too but neither of us could figure out how we know each other. I was like “Maybe we knew each other in another life” which launched him into an Ehrin-esque discussion of the existence of souls. Yesssssss!!<br /><br />There were three other people I met the first day but I don’t remember their names.<br /><br />So what else is new….<br /><br />Still haven’t hung out with Josh. Barely have even talked to him since prom. I keep hearing that he’s all “Oh it’s so obvious she likes me” which has caused me to back off and scare him for a bit. Keep him guessing. I am not so easily won.<br /><br />I sort of thought he would call today. Nope.<br /><br />Told Ryan I knew about him and Sarah thinking about going out next year. I guess he’s having second thoughts though interestingly enough. I really don’t care what they do to be quite honest. I think it would be nice if Sarah could have a good boyfriend like him. Whatever I guess… I think he’s gotten to see a bit of the side of Sarah that I only see. He seemed to feel obligated to tell me that he used to like me but that it was “only an infatuation… but a nice one.” Thank you for that purposeless data. Just what I needed.<br /><br />Senior skip day was Friday!! It was a ton of fun. Danielle, Allison, Alyssa and I all went to Popham, and then the shops at Wiscasset. We visited Daddy’s shop and he bought us all ice cream which was really nice of him. I wish he could be cool like that all the time.<br /><br />Well it’s 1:30 and I’m going to church with Alex in the morning. I will def. be churched out by the time the week is up.<br /><br />Goodnight love.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-1050927590657545057?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-27121224773756684522007-05-15T17:05:00.000-04:002007-05-15T17:06:45.079-04:00Soooo… prom<br /><br />WAS BLOODY AMAZING!!<br /><br />I got prom queen!! Oh yes indeedy!<br /><br />I had a marvy time dancing and so forth.<br /><br />Just really, insanely fun.<br /><br />And I kind of think I like him…<br /><br />But I don’t know.<br /><br />There’s a good chance.<br /><br />I really don’t want a boyfriend now. Or here.<br /><br />But I would enjoy hanging out and so forth with him.<br /><br />Hoping he feels the same way.<br /><br />Iiiiiiiidunno.<br /><br />I sort of feel like this has all been brought on by the romance of prom, and if that’s the case I don’t want to be unfair to anyone (myself included) by going out with him. I don’t know. And I feel like because I don’t know, it’s not meant to work out. We’ll see.<br /><br />Colin and Alex are going out. They make me giggle.<br /><br />But anyways, that’s what’s new! Joy unbounded.<br /><br />&hearts;<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-2712122477375668452?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-83931469762695867382007-05-09T17:35:00.000-04:002007-05-09T18:10:51.738-04:00Hmmm…<br /><br />Well, let’s see.<br /><br />Prom is this weekend and I’ve hung out with Josh a total of one times. That day at Dennis’.<br /><br />I was supposed to get together with him today, but I missed his call at noon. I don’t really know why I’m upset. Probably because I thought I was gonna be all busy but never was in reality. Grrrr.<br /><br />Did the solo last night. It sucked kinda, but that was to be expected, and I did the best I could with what I have, sooo… screw you.<br /><br />It is SO NICE OOOUUUUTTT!!! Happiness!!<br /><br />Finally talked to Todd last night via AIM. It was nice. I’m really frustrated by the conflicting stories I keep getting from people. He was saying how Sarah gets upset that I talk to people down there and says stuff like that I’m trying to steal her friends or whatever, and that Ryan is all “yeah, Amanda’s crazy, she’s never met me and is in love with me.” Lies. All lies. But I have to remember that Todd and Ryan are not exactly the best of friends, and from what I hear Sarah say, Todd can be a bit of a suck up.<br /><br />SPEAKING of Sarah, I guess her and Ryan are going to be going out when they get back to Southern this fall, or something to that effect. Would have been nice for her to tell me that A LOONG TIME AGO. Actually I wish she would have told me she liked him when she actually started to like him.<br /><br />You know what?? I really don’t like any of them at the moment.<br /><br />I cracked up though, because one of my myspace pictures is a picture that Ryan edited. It’s me in black n white with apple green eyes. Pretty sweet. Last night, Todd took the same picture but gave me purple eyes. And it’s not in black n white. HAH. Oh man I lost it.<br /><br />Why can’t everyone give up and be one-faced? {I include myself in that lot for the record}<br /><br />Have a nice life<br /><br />&hearts;<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-8393146976269586738?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-68686008114906703372007-05-06T01:03:00.000-04:002007-05-06T01:07:53.862-04:00What an intense week! Yay for intensisnosisosityyyy!!!<br /><br />Sunday I found out about a job opening at the Rite Aid where Tanya works and it looks like I could be working there this summer! I’m pretty excited!!<br /><br />I’ve been hanging out with Josh quite a lot (ish) this week. Well more than normal. He’s pretty cool, but his love for me remains unrequited unfortunately. Makes me feel bad, but I keep reminding myself that he went into this knowing that we were going AS…FRIENDS.<br />He tried to call me on my cell phone (bad plan) Sunday, but by the time I saw that he had called me it was like nine at night, so I didn’t do anything about it. Monday morning I had the (mis)fortune to run into his mom the librarian and she’s all “Josh tried calling you five times last night!!”<br />“Oh man, really?” (five times my ass.) “He should have tried my house, I have no cell reception where I live.”<br />“I don’t think he has your house number, you should give it to him!!” (I swear, she is THE LOUDEST librarian I have ever met)<br />“Ok I’ll tell him.”<br />Five seconds after that I realized that I had in fact already given Josh both of my phone numbers… wow.<br /><br />I told him about that conversation the next day and he goes “My mom needs to shut up.” It made me laugh.<br /><br />So Tuesday I ended up going to one of Josh’s baseball games and dragging Jen along with me, so I wouldn’t have to sit awkwardly alone (sound <a href="http://mandalefurgy.blogspot.com/2006/11/i-aint-takin-shit-off-no-one-baby-that.html">familiar</a>?) He went up to bat once and got out like right after, but gahdnah won 10 zip, so it was good. I texted Todd to fill in the time, but when I did, he goes “Who’s this?” Needless to say, I was greatly saddened/pissed. After I told him who I was he said to call him, aaaaand… I still haven’t. I need to. I think I will tomorrow night or something. Josh didn’t come out and say hi after, so Jen and I left after waiting for about 20 min. We went to Dunkin’ Donuts and of course who should be working there but Mike Maxwell (faintttt). And so then we went back to Jen’s house and sat in her driveway for like a half hour talking. By that time I had to go get Erica and Celeste from Drama. Got home and Josh had called (my house finally) and we talked for a while. He kept hinting around that he liked me and said something about how he knew I didn’t like him, and that was kinda awkward, but I played it cool. So that was the long and short of THAT day.<br /><br />Wednesday I found out I got the (INSANELY HIGH) solo part for the band/chorus concert. Andrea spent most of chorus in the bathroom crying, but not until later did I find out that it was because John Sawyer was singing for Baccalaureate and not coz of the solo. Good to know, good to know.<br /><br /> Thursday I went out to eat with Josh at Dennis’ (where else?) It went well. I was worried it would be super awkward, but it wasn’t at all. He told me about how he’s ordering me a corsage from somewhere exotic and I’m kind of excited about that. He really is a nice boy. I really feel bad that I don’t like him like, but I just… don’t. Then we came back and I chatted it up with Alex and her prom date Colin (whom I set her up with!! So proud of me!) They are such a cute couple. And what’s cool is they both like each other too. It’s soo cool. And Colin’s really a nice guy. They were meant for each other.<br /><br />Friday was completely uneventful.<br /><br />Aaaand today, I went over to hang out with Sarah. We made pumpkin cookies and watched Children of Men (AMAZINGGGG MOVIEEEE!!!) So it was good. Things are still a little funky, but getting better, most def.<br /><br />Kind of hoping todd will come back from being away so I can finally say hi. I had this weird epiphany the other day about him. I was on his myspace and he’s got all these scene girls on there like “Oooh you have such a beautiful voice!! I know all the lyrics to your songs!! I want to have your childrennnn!!” Shit like that. And I realized that I probably mean as much to him as they do. Which saddens me greatly. I am just another scene girl to him… even though I’m not scene. Maybe it’s not true, but that’s what it feels like. Maybe it’s pointless to pursue him now. Ehhh… I really don’t care much. He was fun to talk to, but if that’s not going to work out… c’est la vie.<br /><br />Well I feel like this entry is needlessly long, so I’m going to find some other internet related thing to do now.<br /><br />Stay cool, rock on.<br /><br /><33<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-6868600811490670337?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-68890440416099827612007-04-29T01:42:00.000-04:002007-04-29T02:03:17.831-04:00Had a nice long nap today… probably couldn’t sleep if I tried…<br /><br />Actually… I could go to sleep without trying. I just don’t want to.<br /><br />Got off the phone with Ryan lil wile ago. That went well. Really well. Really nice conversation. Good to talk to him. Not much to talk about, but it’s ok. I tend to always feel like if something is wrong, that it’s my fault. Guess I need to… not think that…<br /><br />It’s amazing when your brain shuts off… like mine is right now.<br /><br />I guess I’m supposed to hang out with Josh tomorrow. I don’t know how that’s gonna work what with my crapload of crap to do… but I really should spend some time with him, since he’s my prom date and all. I’m getting the vibe that he likes me as more than a friend and I won’t lie… it’s making me uncomfortable.<br /><br />I haven’t talked to Todd in a while… he said he’d message me someday… that day has yet to come… I wish I was busy like everyone else… hmmm.<br /><br />Me and ryan’s conversations are really freaking platonic. I don’t know what it is I really want out of them, but… yeah. Like whenever I’m on the phone with Todd, he’ll talk about relationship type stuff. That never comes up with Ryan. Well it did, but it hasn’t lately. Actually we talked about that a lot, but not recently. Like the closest it’s gotten was when he was talking about messing with one of my pictures in photoshop and how he couldn’t take his eyes off it. Actually that’s pretty non-platonic as phone conversations go… huh. Well I guess I’m worried about nothing.<br /><br />I wish I could make sense right now… Not possible at two in the morning I do believe.<br /><br />Kinda hungry… nope not going to do anything about that. <br /><br />I don’t know why I’m feeling depressed right now. I wish I knew what to do about it. Frusturating.<br /><br />Is this what you call the mean reds?<br /><br /><33<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-6889044041609982761?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-80189023408534154002007-04-23T02:03:00.000-04:002007-04-23T02:05:10.430-04:00Well I got all worked up for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.<br /><br />The whole Strawberry Festival experience was nothing like how I had imagined it. Although I really don’t know what it was that I was expecting. I saw Ryan for maybe… a minute. Maybe. And of course my mouth decided to not do anything the whole time which was AWESOME. He’s like “Half the words I’ve ever written I’ve written to you” and of course I just stood there and smiled. Wow. I just finished writing him a little letter to excuse my mute behavior. But I got to hug him and he smelled nice (thanks to me I do believe… hahah maybe not.) I guess there’s still tomorrow to look forward to, but I highly doubt anything of interest is gonna go down.<br /><br />It was kind of quiet on the car ride down to Strawberry fest, but other than that, everything with Sarah went well I thought. Of course I don’t think I’m as in tune to that sort of thing anymore, as I didn’t have any idea there was a problem last time. Whatever. I certainly do what I can to be helpful. Does it work most of the time? That’s a big fat NO.<br /><br />Drank a Rockstar today. I felt soooo nauseous after. I had the fruit kind which tasted pretty good, but landed like lead. I’m still wide awake. But I have really nothing to do, so I guess I’m going to sleep. MEHHHHH.<br /><br />This post doesn’t even deserve a title.<br /><br />Angry kisses, Amanda<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-8018902340853415400?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-72741345569456830662007-04-21T16:22:00.000-04:002007-04-21T16:40:32.498-04:00Well it appears that the vacations to end all vacations (….. hahahah) is soon to come to a close.<br /><br />Maaaaan!<br /><br />Tomorrow I go to southern to visit Sarah and everyone. I’m pretty nervous, but I think I’m getting less and less nervous as time goes on. Sarah finally wrote back, and she really sounds happy that I’m coming, so that makes me feel good. Apparently, Ryan is in the hospital (!!!) He thought he had bronchitis, but apparently it’s something else. Sarah didn’t say exactly what it was, but it’s bad enough to put him in the hospital. I’m steadily becoming less and less nervous about this whole visit thing. I still really don’t think I’ll be seeing Todd, but… ehh what am I supposed to do?<br /><br />It’s been a little like hell being so close to my family these past few days. At the last place we stayed, there were SO MANY surfer dudes, and some were really hott, but they were all really intimidating. I felt about five. Mostly because mum and dad were there I guess, but I don’t know. I do know it would have been a lot less uncomfortable for me if they hadn’t been there. But whatever.<br /><br />Really bored. Saturday vacations get really slow.<br /><br />Write more after the Southern experience! (SOOOO NERVOUSSSS!!!)<br /><br />XXX Amanda<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-7274134556945683066?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-33115340430406271392007-04-18T22:05:00.000-04:002007-04-18T22:11:53.978-04:00Hello from North Carolina!! Wooo hooo! Tan self, here I come!!<br /><br />Yesterday went really well, no car trouble or anything. It’s still really cold (only… oh wait it’s 57. Nevermind!) It was snowing when we left, which was kinda depressing. We stopped at Jerry’s Artarama, which was an amazing(ly overwhelming) experience. I ended up spending waay too much on a little watercolor palette and a Moleskine watercolor notebook. It was worth it though I think. I promised myself I wouldn’t buy anything that I could get back home… although I could have easily bought those things at home… whatever. From now on… The room we stayed in last night was pretty freakin’ sweet. The light outside the room was the only one in the hallway that was flickering. And we had not much hot water. But the beds were pretty comfy and there was WiFi, which brings me to my next topic…<br /><br />Sarah wrote me this really long letter about how she felt we were drifting apart and stuff. I was really glad to get it because Ryan kept telling me she was really mad at me and I needed to talk to her. But of course he wouldn’t say why because he “didn’t want to get in the middle of it.” Useless… But anyway, it was really good to finally hear what the issue was (although I think I already knew what the problem was subconsciously. Just really good to get it all out in the open without a lot of assumptions.) She offered to let me stay in her room with her on Sunday night and I said yes, but I’ve been thinking that maybe that’s not what I want to do. She said she’d understand if I said no, so it’s all good hopefully. I was basically just really relieved to get that letter from her. It should make my visit a lot less awkward.<br /><br />Hmmm… not much new I guess. I’ve been talking to Aaron Drost online… wondering if that’s a good plan or not. Gaaah!! It’s weird because a lot of people that annoy my friends don’t annoy me as much. Which makes it really hard sometimes. I don’t know. I’m just going to make it crystal clear that I’m only interested in being friends.<br /><br />Friday, Josh “officially” asked me to prom with a flower. It was very sweet if not somewhat unnecessary. He asked for my house/cell numbers, which I gave him. Don’t know if that was a good plan or not, but guys usually don’t remember to call anyway, so it’s all good. I guess I wouldn’t mind hanging out, but the whole point in me going to prom with him was because we were friends. Josh is super flirty with any girl who looks at him sideways, so it’s probably just how it’s going to be. Whaaatever.<br /><br />I need to work on that newspaper now I guess… don’t want to… at all really… Mum keeps nagging. I wish she’d realize that that’s NOT going to make me go aaany faster.<br /><br />Really nervous about Sunday… There’s this thing called “Strawberry Festival” at the school that I’m going to be at. It’s showcasing what everyone has been working on all year. Then there’s supposed to be some party type thing going on afterwards, and that’s what I’m the most nervous about. I really need to just relax and be myself, because if I stay nervous like I am right now just thinking about it I’m bound to do something stupid. I keep going over it again and again in my mind. I even dreamed about it last night. Funny that I even dream in awkward. I asked Todd if he was going to be able to come see me and he said he probably would be able to, but I kind of doubt it for some reason. He also told me that he told Sarah he likes her and she is now acting really weird, and he took that as a sign from God that he should stay single for now. Which, at the time, made me kind of depressed, but thinking about it now, it shouldn’t have made me sad because for now could be… a long time. Ehhh, I tend to put all my eggs in one basket. Bad plan.<br /><br />Well I’m feeling a tad nauseous now, so I’ll write more later. Probably in floridaaaahhhh!! Wooo hooo!!! Oh wow I need to calm down.<br /><br /><33 Amanda<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-3311534043040627139?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-57005481952094236892007-04-01T11:13:00.000-04:002007-04-01T11:17:19.136-04:00Terrible news…<br /><br />I feel so dead inside… which is completely ridiculous.<br /><br />I hate everything.<br /><br />Ok well… I got a text from Todd this morning and he’s all “I’m gonna ask sarah on a date!”<br /><br />Why the HELL would he tell me that? After everything he’s said to me. Pig.<br /><br />Pig!! PIG, PIG, PIG!!!<br /><br />What am I even supposed to SAY to that?!? Does he really expect me to throw him a bloody party? What?<br /><br />So my response was “oh……. That’s cool.” Lame I know, but I don’t want… him to know… HOW MUCH OF AN ASS HE IS JUST YET!!!<br /><br />This really hurts. It shouldn’t. He shouldn’t have said that shit if he didn’t mean it. I shouldn’t have bought it.<br /><br />On the plus side I can finally start going to bed at a decent hour….<br /><br />*CRY*CRY*CRY*CRY*CRY*CRY*CRY*CRY*<br /><br />At least I’m glad he didn’t tell me before pizazz. I would have sung like complete crap.<br /><br />Pizazz went pretty good.<br /><br />I want to talk to him so much right now… but not on the phone. WHICH REMINDS ME OF YESTERDAY.<br /><br />AND I QUOTE: {me first}<br /><br /><em>“Did I catch you in the middle of something?”<br /><br />“No I just wanted to call you and say hi coz I missed you.”<br /><br />“Yeah I know we haven’t talked in forever.”<br /></em><br />{And by forever I mean a week. Almost}<br /><br /><em>“How late will you be up?”</em> <br /><br />{He wants more of our amazing conversations}<br /><br /><em>“I’m not going to be home till late, call me tomorrow”<br /><br />“Mmmmmm I”ll call you later on tonight.”<br /></em><br />{And he did. But luckily I missed the call and I didn’t call him back.}<br /><br />Why would anyone do that to me? I have never done anything to deserve this. I have THE WORST luck when it comes to guys. THE ABSOLUTE WORST.<br /><br />Ok I’m done.<br /><br /><33<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-5700548195209423689?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-33264981243349021652007-03-27T22:22:00.000-04:002007-03-28T06:43:54.834-04:00Gaaah! I am SOOO freaking sick. This sucks. HARD.<br /><br />I wish I could just throw up and maybe then I’d feel better. I have a fever too which is always a nice bonus. BAAAAHHHHHHHHH. I stayed home today and I originally had all these plans to clean my room and resize my concert tee {oh yeah went to TOC and it was amazing… Next concert though I am def going to be in the crowd and not sitting. It got a touch boring.} But of course I felt like complete shit and didn’t feel like doing anything coz I wanted to puke soooo bad… I still do… If only I would.<br /><br />Had two REALLY GOOD conversations with Todd over the past two days. I really hope he comes online tonight, but I’m afraid I can’t stay up very late coz of how gnasty I feel.<br /><br />K, the first one was after I got home from the concert on Sunday. He’s all “Wanna play Maple Story?” {that’s this game he showed me. You control this little person and kill snails and mushrooms. It’s pretty cool.} But I was basically dead, and I kind of suck at it when I’m awake, so I was like “maybe later” And then he goes “Wanna make ou….. Orange juice?” {hahah I love it when he does that.} So we keep talking for a while and we start doing the scenario game {It’s weird how everything is a game with us.} and he’s like<br /><br /><em>so we hang out for a while and you think your interested in me...... your turn<br /><br />I wait around to see if you're interested in me<br /><br />ok and after a while you find out that i am......<br /><br />then I wait some more to see if you do anything...meanwhile we hang out more<br /><br />would you ever pass it up if you truly felt it?<br /><br />I dont know, hopefully not. Would you?<br /><br />i dont know....<br /><br />ok so it's still my turn?<br /></em><br />{And then THIS comes out of nowhere…}<br /><br /><em>i put my arms around you holding you tight, your eyes lock into mine... we stare contently into each others souls as we both inch are way forward.... my lips start to quiver as my eyes get sheltered by the lids.... we both touch lips, as i wake up! Hahahaha<br /></em><br />{I about fainted after that}<br /><br /><em>hahahah. that's a good dream<br /><br />Oh quit it!<br /></em><br />Intenseness, no? I don’t know how pathetic it is that I save all our convos… but they make for good blog entries! Haaaa...<br /><br />So then the next day, we're just talking and he goes<br /><br /><em>i have a problem<br /><br />what?<br /><br />i want to be with a lot of people right now, so i keep throwing myself away from them all... wich is a great thing to do, because im not going to do that to any woman, but its killing me... hahaha</em><br /><br />{I'm thinking... OH GREAT.}<br /><br /><em>so you're just avoiding them all?<br /><br />Yea<br /><br />can't decide?<br /><br />i just want to be loved so damn bad sounds awful i know but i just want someone to love me and hold me and be real about it you know....<br /> </em><br />{You have NO idea how much I wanted to say "but I love you" right then...}<br /><br /><em>yeah I know<br /><br />and the reason i back away from everyone is because i look at them and i say.. theyre not ready for what i need in a relationship. i want it to be serious, but not sexual<br /> </em><br />{So am I ready or what? Hmmm...}<br /><br /><em>oh. and nobody meets up to what you want yet?<br /><br />ok i guess its like this. everyone who is fun is too young, and everyone my age is more concerned with the worldly things like partying and having sex and stuff...... and i dont like older women much<br /> </em><br />{Too young? What?!}<br /><br /><em>hahha yeah I see what you're saying. you know you're not that old...<br /><br />i know<br /></em><br />So that was pretty frusturating. After he said the "I want to be loved so damn bad" bit I about wanted to cry. Came pretty close.<br /><br />I don't know, this is all really confusing and I'm wondering that if we ever did go out if I could handle being in a relationship as long as he usually is {He dates people for like years at a time... The longest I've gone was like a month.} But like he keeps saying "Maybe after we've hung out for a while..."<br /><br />Well... I don't know about you but I LOVE BEING SICK!!!<br /><br />And that's all she wrote.<br /><br />MUAH!!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-3326498124334902165?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-29672048392906217462007-03-21T14:41:00.000-04:002007-03-21T15:40:52.137-04:00Hellew.<br /><br />Things have been going quite well {…ish} on the Todd front I must say.<br /><br />Today we had a text convo… all in FRENCH!! {pitter patter pitter patter goes my heart}<br /><br />We’ve kissed over AIM.<br /><br />I ask him what he’s doin’ he says “Thinkin’ about you……gi…oh……Yugioh!”<br /><br />He told me he likes Sarah. It bruised my soul.<br /><br />He had his friend pretend to be him and talk to me… I totally fell for it.<br /><br />I told him I like him… Didn’t get much of a reaction. Ouch.<br /><br />I stayed up really late last night to talk to him and he never went online… double ouch.<br /><br /><br />So those are the headlines…<br /><br />In other news…<br /><br />People in chorus piss me off SOOO BADLY. Ugh! I don’t even want to talk about it. They are all incredible brown nosers and it makes me REALLLLLLY ANGRY!!!!!<br /><br />Oh well, I don’t need to be a huge suck up because my talent speaks for itself. I don’t have to try out for the solo TWICE. I am just that good. And a lady.<br /><br />I've got to tell mum that I'm going to Taste of Chaos this weekend... kinda forgot. She should be ok with it... dad was... ehhh... scared...<br /><br />Just went on a truly fabulous walk. It was truly fabulous.<br /><br />My creative writing piece is going in the newspaper!!! WOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!<br /><br />I am the starving artist defined.<br /><br />♥<br /><br />Madame Starving Artist<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-2967204839290621746?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-87396243263207427992007-03-13T22:05:00.000-04:002008-12-10T20:42:32.051-05:00<div>Heyyyyyyyyy….yyy…yyy!!!<br /><br />What a… good day. Not much exciting… but a good day. 3 hour nap... goooood day.<br /><br />I got to sing a lot in Chorus. MAN that’s fun. I was def. using my shower voice today. Trying on dresses and singing with my shower voice, two of the best releases known to humanity.<br /><br />Finally talked to Todd via phone. He even has a cute voice. That boy just oozes cute. Good stuff, good stuff. It went a lot better than I expected it to. We talked Saturday for an hour and then I ended up calling him on… Sunday? But he was in a movie so we ended up just chatting online. And I called him again just now and we talked for like two seconds, and then he’s like “Can I call you back?” and he called again just now and was like “I’m gonna call you in like a half hour ok?” Very polite boy.<br /><br />And I mean that.<br /><br />No sarcasm anywhere there.<br /><br />None.<br /><br />I have on my serious face right now.<br /><br />Plus it works out that he’s calling me so it’s not on my tab!! Yaaa!<br /><br />I still think I like talking online better, just because I have more time to think of things to say so it’s not like I’m ummm-ing a lot. I hate sounding like an idiot. And it happens a lot over the phone. Whatever. I’m in his top eight!! And he’s in my top… sixteen!! But if I cut off the bottom eight he would still be in my top eight hahahaha!! Yaaaayyyy!!<br /><br />Got my prom dress! She’s pretty! It’s not either of the two that I have pictures of. It’s silver and kind of reminds me of something from the twenties. I wanna make me a sweet hat to wear with it. S’gonna rock!! She looks like this except silver...<br /></div><p><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5041596035239624482" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Y33234qUC70/RfdY4e15vyI/AAAAAAAAABI/DjSbIzdXDjM/s320/422166FULLPR07FullSize%5B1%5D.jpg" border="0" /></p><br /><p>Annnd the back... which is my favorite part...</p><br /><div></div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5041596524865896242" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Y33234qUC70/RfdZU-15vzI/AAAAAAAAABQ/RcHR_BVsDF8/s320/422166backFULLPR07BACK%5B1%5D.jpg" border="0" /><br /><div><br />Life is good!<br /><br />Now if I could just get my room clean once and for all… my life would be complete.<br /><br />I really hope that when he calls again that things are nice and as distantly removed from awkward land as physically possible. Amen and amen.<br /><br />Kiss kiss hug hug</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-8739624326320742799?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-10240641181314485142007-03-08T23:18:00.000-05:002007-03-08T23:19:28.597-05:00Just a really quickie update coz I’m freakin’ sleepy.<br /><br />And that’s mostly because I’ve been up talking to Todd until like 12 almost every day this week. It’s bloody amazing.<br /><br />We talk about everything.<br /><br />He is adorable.<br /><br />He’s been sending me text messages at school.<br /><br />I have yet to speak to him on the phone (tomorrow… aaaaakkk!!!)<br /><br />He tells me I’m beautiful.<br /><br />He tells me he thinks about me and forgets I live hundreds of miles away.<br /><br />He prays for me. And I pray for him.<br /><br />We had a bible study over AIM!!!<br /><br />We had a mini argument about Sabbath. It made me scared that he would hate me after. And I think he was afraid of the same thing.<br /><br />Sometimes I feel like I’m talking to matt when I talk to him, but he is so much less sleazy.<br /><br />He makes me say things that would normally make me feel ill to say to anyone else. But they just fly out my mouth. And I mean them.<br /><br />I’m afraid that after we talk on the phone, he won’t talk to me anymore. So afraid.<br /><br />I’ve managed to keep it from Sarah that we talk a lot. She told me she likes him, but I’m not sure.<br /><br />He told me how he likes Sarah’s friend Sahale. And then told me he worked up the courage to call her. It ruined my day.<br /><br />He seemed a little too happy when I told him that Sarah sort of likes him. But I’ve decided not to worry about things running their course until I get down there.<br /><br />I told him I was afraid I wouldn’t get to see him when I go down in April. He said he’d make sure we saw each other. I died of joy inside.<br /><br />He called me Amanda Bean tonight. No idea where that came from but it’s the cutest freakin’ thing he’s said yet.<br /><br />I have to go to bed now. Again, death by sheer joy.<br /><br />Peace, love and violent affection.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-1024064118131448514?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-59685992521384914812007-03-01T23:29:00.000-05:002008-12-10T20:42:32.316-05:00<div align="left">You cannot even BEGIN to know what kind of day I’ve had.<br /><br />It’s been an absolutely amazing day disguised as a not so amazing day.<br /><br />Ok…<br /><br />Firs thing, I get into art class and I find out some interesting things about my boat painting. {I did this watercolor of some boats earlier this year and they got put in the showcase outside the office.} I didn’t really know what had become of it after that, but Mrs. Herr-Reins told me that it had been put in the superintendent’s office up the street from the school. Not only was it living there, someone had seen it and WANTS TO BUY IT!! They wanna pay real money to have it in their house! I was so thrilled. So then I asked Mrs. Herr-Reins what I should ask for it. She goes “I wouldn’t ask for anything less than fifty dollars.” Yeah I was even more excited after that. I decided that I want seventy five because she said nothing under fifty or over 100. I thought seventy five seemed about right. Hahaha I’m so excited!!!<br /><br />Then John touched my hair which just sort of perked me up before I had to go take an English test. It was actually more of a petting thing, but it was nice. I’m doing a duet with him for Pizazz hopefully, if I get the music in time and if I can ever get in touch with him. Lalalala.<br /><br />And THEN this other amazing thing happened to me earlier this week. I have to do sort of a flashback for the rest of this to make sense. Actually I just really wanna do a flashback.<br /><br />SO…<br /><br />I’m on Myspace and I get this message from someone called “Half price hero” (which I immediately assume is a band. I am not wrong.) It says “Hey I saw you on my friend’s top eight and I just thought I’d say hi.” So I go to his myspace, coz I figure this is just some weirdo, but I go to his myspace and Sarah is his number one friend! I was in total shock. And he had other people on his top that I recognized as friends of Sarah’s. So I figured he was safe, so I responded to his message. We started talking and today, we talked on AIM for a really, really long time. He sent me like 3 pictures of himself that he just randomly took {for me} with his camera phone coz all his myspace pics were old. He is lovely to behold. His name is Todd: </div><br /><br /><div align="center"></div><br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5037186249532991074" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Y33234qUC70/ReeuNK7lZmI/AAAAAAAAAA0/RAKVvbqOvHU/s320/smile.jpg" border="0" /><br /><br /><br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5037184097754375746" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Y33234qUC70/ReesP67lZkI/AAAAAAAAAAk/uDTniJIAiag/s320/me2+(2).jpg" border="0" /><br /><p><br />He left me some amazing picture comments. He seems really spiritual too which is always a major plus. He’s like “I pray for you now.” It made me feel really special. It always does when people tell me they’re praying for me but especially if it’s a guy.<br /><br />Been talking to Colby too. I’m trying really hard to get him to come to bowling with us this weekend. Sarah’s gonna be there, so if they both could be there, it would be really cool and fun and everything! He won’t give me a straight answer he’s just like I don’t know. It’s annoying.<br /><br />I am just an incredibly happy camper tonight. I’ve had that smiling picture of him in my head all evening which has put a smile on my face.</p><p>Oh and I have two goldfish now. Lola and Edward. They are both beautiful, and absolutely adorable.</p><p><br />Really, really happy. And there’s gonna be a snow day tomorrow! Which is just icing on the cake. Totally and completely.</p><p>I love... everything. So much.</p><p>happyme</p><p>xxxxxxxxxxxxx {all over your face}</p><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-5968599252138491481?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-31399100219586898852007-02-25T18:49:00.000-05:002007-02-25T19:31:50.498-05:00Well the second half of my vacation wasn’t much more productive then the first half. But it’s all good.<br /><br />Let’s see…<br /><br />I spent a lot of time trying to work on papers and stuff. I finally finished writing my English paper just a few min. ago. I got all the research done for my other two papers. One is due wednesday and the other I really don’t know when its due, but neither does anyone else.<br /><br />Thursday, Celeste and I went shopping w/ Nana. Didn’t buy anything, but it was nice to get out. Thursday night we all went to the movies with Colby and saw “Epic Movie.” Probably the stupidest movie I have ever seen. But it was one of those stupid funny movies, so everyone was laughing like crazy, but when we got out we were all like “Wow, that was stupid.” We went to B&N after, and that was a little weird, cuz I bought myself food and nobody else ate anything… I felt like a huge jerk/pig. It was funny though coz Colby was like “You should just throw that last piece of cheesecake.” And I did! After we left B&amp;N I threw the cheesecake up against the side of the movie theater, and Jen said it’s still there.<br /><br />hahahah.<br /><br />Oh man… I really really don’t want to go back to school. Ever.<br /><br />I guess Sarah is coming home Thursday. That’s pretty cool. I just hope things aren’t awkward vis a vis Sarah and the Manning girls. Ehh… none of my business. We’re supposed to have a bowling thing next Saturday night and we’re trying to get Colby to come. I think he will. He was saying something about how he’s got this other youth group he’s part of. Then I freaked out and was like “Oh I see how it is. I thought we meant something special. It’s just one youth group after another with you.” And he’s all “No! You guys mean a lot to me!” It was pretty funny.<br /><br />Well it seems that I am getting a pet fish tomorrow, so I need to clean out the tank now.<br /><br />Love love love<br /><br />&hearts; &hearts; &hearts;<br /><br />xXx<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-3139910021958689885?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-57416058494447840992007-02-20T21:53:00.000-05:002007-02-20T22:42:25.936-05:00Ello all.<br /><br />Well, it’s been quite a nice vacation so far. Not a very productive one yet, but…..SOOOO relaxing.<br /><br />Hung out with Mike the other day. That was fun and random. We went all around the Augusta. We ran into Rob and Anya which was cool I guess. A little awkward. But that’s ok. The whole thing was fun. Really low stress. I hope it happens again.<br /><br />And then today I was hoping to get some actual work done on the bazillion papers I have to write, but I had to take Celeste into town. I had zero money and had to go through Old Navy when they have all their super cute spring clothes. I suffered physical pain. It was bad. It’s crazy what that store does to me sometimes. But only in the spring. Any other time it’s just like “…..ehh.” But in the spring… I don’t know. It’s amazing. Celeste picked up some sweater thing and I actually said “It’s too warm for that.” I didn’t just think it, I said it. It’s like 20 degrees out. Maybe.<br /><br />hahahah.<br /><br />And tonight I went to Red Robin with some friends and had an absolutely lovely time.<br /><br />Not to be vain or anything, but I love that last sentence.<br /><br />Ryan wrote last night. He’s like “You’ve been quiet… too quiet. Is something wrong?” It made me really sad for some reason. A weird happy sad. Happy because he cares that I haven’t been talking to him regularly, and sad that… I couldn’t tell him that I feel like we’ve run out of things to talk about. Maybe we haven’t, maybe I’m just imagining. I told him about how I have to pay ($50) the phone bill we rang up. I’m not telling him how much it was, and maybe he’s had the same thing too. Dunno. But he’s all “Sarah’s mad at me” and he said he kind of knew what it was about, but then there was a typo in his message, so I got all confused. Whatever though. I think she’s mad about the cologne. She chewed me out about it big time, which I thought was hilarious. He liked it, he thanked me a bunch for it, and I don’t care if it’s creepy. I don’t think he thought it was. Whatever, I couldn’t care less.<br /><br />I've been propositioning people to do Pizazz with me all evening. I haven't heard back from the people, but soon... I will. I just realized I didn't tell John that I can't do it on Friday...oops. Oh well. I've been practicing "It don't mean a thing (if it ain't got that swing)" a ton. So much that I've been getting the little scat segments really really firmly stuck in my head. Which, of course, was the idea.<br /><br />I think I’m going to try and be useful for… ooh a half hour.<br /><br />{haha. not}<br /><br />Goodbye loves.<br /><br />♥<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-5741605849444784099?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-48403940046653461472007-02-11T13:33:00.000-05:002007-02-09T17:41:09.138-05:00Ok, confession time.<br /><br />If I don’t get this off my chest, I think that bad things will happen.<br /><br />…<br /><br />{why does this always happen to me?}<br /><br />Ok, over the course of the past few weeks, I’ve been hanging out with this kid in the play, aaannnndddd…. I may have a lil bit of a crush on him.<br /><br />Did I mention he’s in 8th grade?<br /><br />Yeah, pretty sure that’s illegal.<br /><br />It makes me sad.<br /><br />And the other thing that makes me even sadder is that the play is over and I won’t get to see him much. Which is probably a good thing. A really good thing.<br /><br />Wow, this is pathetic. Hard. Core. Pathetic.<br /><br />We had the anti cast party last night. It was crazy fun. We went to Denny’s and then ran around wal-mart for a while, then drove Chris home and everyone else home and I got home around 3 in the morning. It made me sad that we had to end it so early, but, again, it was probably a good thing.<br /><br />Tears. On the inside.<br /><br />I really need to do something to help get my mind of my pathetic behaivior.<br /><br />Sent Ryan some cologne in the mail. I hope it makes it to him. And I hope it makes it to him in one piece. His birthday is today, and the thing should get to him on… Tuesday? Something like that. I hope he likes it.<br /><br />Gonna go be obsessive about Myspace/Clean/Write papers.<br /><br />Tout mon amour.<br /><br />La gamine<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-4840394004665346147?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-68094017761591434642007-01-28T20:54:00.000-05:002008-12-10T20:42:32.949-05:00<div>Hi!<br /><br />Nice day today. Went sno-ball dress shopping with Haruka today. It was cool because she hasn’t been to a lot of the stores around here. I took her to deb to find the dress cuz thy have a nice range of styles for cheap. She told me that deb means fat in Japanese which I found hilarious. And terribly, terribly ironic. If you ever feel bad about yourself or you just aren’t having a good day, go to a dress shop and try on dresses. It’s like the cure for the common anything. I tried on a few too, even though I wasn’t buying. You would never guess, but it is an incredible amount of fun. I found this one uber pretty one that wasn’t in my size, but it would have been gorgeous if it was. It looked like a wedding dress (mostly cuz it was white) but I kind of felt like a greek goddess wearing it:</div><br /><div><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Y33234qUC70/Rb1YmGC8FVI/AAAAAAAAAAM/J4WvM5m_xIo/s1600-h/4428enlargePR07LARGE.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5025270170696553810" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Y33234qUC70/Rb1YmGC8FVI/AAAAAAAAAAM/J4WvM5m_xIo/s320/4428enlargePR07LARGE.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />Lovely, no?<br /><br />And then, there was this one, which at first glance appears to be a pink nightmare, but in reality is… crazy pretty.<br /><br /> <a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Y33234qUC70/Rb1ZDWC8FWI/AAAAAAAAAAU/-HYa7xETqGY/s1600-h/340312largePR07LARGE.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5025270673207727458" style="CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Y33234qUC70/Rb1ZDWC8FWI/AAAAAAAAAAU/-HYa7xETqGY/s320/340312largePR07LARGE.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br />It was a lot of fun. I feel sorry for boys. They don’t have this to make them feel better about themselves. Poor, poor boys.<br /><br />Speaking of which…<br /><br />Matt T… has dropped out. HA HA HAAAA! He left me this comment the other day: “No more chorus…” Guess not. He is, like I have said countless times before, a flaming idiot.<br /><br />Regina Spektor is an A MAZING singer. I almost ran out and bought her CD after I got home from shopping, she is that good. If ANYONE besides myself reads this, if there’s one thing you take away from my blog, it should be that Regina Spektor is worth listening to a very minimum of 5 times in your life.<br /><br />It would be really nice if Ryan would call me right…about……….NOW!..............................<br /><br />……….<br /><br />….<br /><br />Why is it guys never call? Is it really because they’re not that into you? *Cry*<br /><br />That’s all she wrote darlinks.<br /><br /><33</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-6809401776159143464?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-33845628559734636632007-01-20T21:18:00.000-05:002007-01-20T21:28:18.401-05:00Rockin' out to some sweet Beck tunes... New Round right now... that is such a good song.<br /><br />So yeah, I did the recording thing... it sucked. I sucked. I don't know what's the matter with me anymore.<br /><br />Beck has a thing for the word Perfunctory. It's a good word. Wish I knew what it meant...<br /><br />I've been having Ryan withdrawal really badly. It's funny because it's only been a few days since I talked to him... wow.<br /><br />I'm sooo bored.<br /><br />I should go clean.<br /><br />Yeah, maybe I'll do that...<br /><br />I eat way too much starch for my own good.<br /><br />Haha.<br /><br />Oh, and I had to tell Sarah I didn't want to room with her. It wasn't fun for me. It made me really sad actually. Who knows I may end up rooming with her second semester. We'll see. I want to at least start out with a new roommate, just to see what it's like.<br /><br />I wish I had both the shirts I was going to make the bag out of. Then I would have that to do. I really ought to be making Jen n Erica's arm warmers... so apathetic. It's sad.<br /><br />Well I'm going to maybe go clean. Nighty.<br /><br />Ta.<br /><br /><333<br /><br />Thatsallshewrote.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-3384562855973463663?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-49289249367323327012007-01-15T12:41:00.000-05:002007-01-15T13:40:38.013-05:00I really should get going on my art paper. I wish I worked better under pressure… grrrrr…<br /><br />Snowing like a banshee outside. Which will prevent me from going out and being awkward with Pete. That and the fact that my paper will probably be nowhere near being done by that time… Oh wow, I wish I could just tell him he makes my life awkward… but I can’t. I am physically unable to do so.<br /><br />Talked to Ryan last night. The line between Pete land and Ryan land has been breeched. But it worked out well and I don’t feel guilty anymore. Much. I tried to get Ryan’s help with getting myself rid of Pete (I make him sound so terrible. He’s really not. Pete is a truly nice guy but… he’s so… well he’s trying to be more talkative around me, I can tell, but.. I still don’t like him.) and Ryan basically thought I was trying to get out of going to prom, which was the whole reason for even thinking about liking Pete in the first place. Really.<br /><br />On a lighter note x169374267392….<br /><br />I’m making another CD on Friday!! I’m super excited about it! There are gonna be some sweet songs on it. Some I’ve never even considered putting on a CD (like “In the Good Old Way.” So old school it’s practically Ye Olde Schoole.) But it’s gonna be A-Bloody-Mazing. 12ish songs instead of just 5. SO sweet. I wanna do a jazz-ish version of Just a Closer Walk with Thee. It’s gonna be such an eclectic CD. Oh man, you do not even know how pumped I am.<br /><br />Also…<br /><br />I GOT ACCEPTED TO SOUTHERN!!!!!!! YAAAAYYAYAYAYAYAYYYYAAAAAYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br /><br />I’m goin’ places shirt, HERE I COME!! With scissors in hand. I think I want to somehow combine the tee shirt I got from Southern (that actually almost fits) with the “I’m going places” shirt that I’ll be getting from Guidance at the earliest possible opportunity. I was thinking about making another shirt, but then I thought it might be even more cool to make a purse of some kind. That way I can have it every day without having to wear one shirt every day. That gets ridiculous. Fast.<br /><br />Well… I’ve put it off long enough. Time to get back to biznatch.<br /><br />Big hugs.<br /><br />Andthatsallshewrote.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-4928924936732332701?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-44074501445201720892007-01-07T14:57:00.000-05:002007-01-07T15:10:03.966-05:00I AM SOOO EXCITED RIGHT NOOOOWWWW!!!<br /><br />I finally got my laptop to go on the internet!!<br /><br />Yeah, I'm aware this is no great accomplishment, but I am pretty damn happy about it. I've been loading songs and stuff onto it aaallll day. My geek chic is certainly coming out hard core.<br /><br />But I am major league pissed that Ryan hasn't written me back yet. If he doesn't ever plan on doing it, then I wish he would just say that. I guess I'm just really worried about loosing him (well, it's not really like I ever HAD him per se, but... oh you wouldn't understand). I've just spent too much time thinking about how great it would be if we... *cry*<br /><br />Watched The Life Aquatic with Pete last night. It was pretty cool, but a little awkward, cuz I didn't really know if I was just supposed to watch the movie, or... do something else. But for crying out loud I really don't even know pete well enough to be like making out with him on the SECOND date. ERHEJKVFNIOJNGDONKLDJG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOOO AWKWARD!!!!!!!!!<br /><br />Well now that I'm sufficiently depressed, time to go cheer myself up with more loading on of music. TTFN!<br /><br />Hugs & Sex (oooohh did I just say that??)<br /><br />&hearts; &hearts; &hearts;<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-4407450144520172089?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-91217720702475901872007-01-05T15:07:00.000-05:002007-01-05T15:45:42.631-05:00So I reaaaally should be cleaning my room right now… naaaaahh.<br /><br />I woke up this morning to Mum barging in my room with my cell phone…<br /><br />“I think you got a text message.”<br />“….what? Why are you in here?”<br />“Your phone is making noises.”<br />“Oh… give it to me…”<br /><br />I sort of thought that it was one of those junk text messages that I get from time to time from heaven knows where. But turns out Ryan decided to send me a picture of himself. I was actually pretty happy (even though it wasn’t the greatest picture. He looked like he’d just come from a prison camp.) I couldn’t figure out if it was a video or not, but I had it as my background all day. Then I took it off, in case someone found it. Like Sarah. He says he’s gonna call me later.<br /><br />But GUESS WHAT ELSE???<br /><br />I got asked out by Pete! We went to A-1 Diner last night for coffee. We were only there an hour, but it was nice. I guess we’re hanging out on Saturday. Probably this time we should go out and do something instead of just sitting in a restaurant. He’s super quiet and I am not the most talkative person ever, so there were a few rough spots, but I managed to get out of them pretty easily. I’m hoping that Saturday goes better.<br /><br />But the weird thing is that I feel super guilty going with Pete. I really shouldn’t. It’s not like I really have any actual ties to Ryan. Technically, we’re barely friends and… well whatever. But when I got back from the date last night I ended up talking to ryan for an hour. Then when I got off the phone I just thought about how much easier it is to talk to Ryan than pete. But I’ve decided that… well… I’m not going to let it bother me.<br /><br />And now… cleaning/naptime.<br /><br />&hearts; Amanda<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-9121772070247590187?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-66978469095302589222007-01-01T18:08:00.000-05:002007-01-01T18:10:01.427-05:00Hahahaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh………….oooooohhhhhhhdear.<br /><br />Well… Ok.<br /><br />So we’re all over to my house on Saturday and Ryan calls me. (can you spell aakward?)<br /><br />We’re just randomly talking. (par usual) {about his little excursion to taco bell and my new laptop if you must know} [oh yeah, I got a new laptop. I would be pretty excited if I could get it to go on the internet…] And I guess it was a brilliant idea of Josh’s to listen in on our convo. And nobody tried to stop him. And I knew it the whole time I’m trying to carry on a sane conversation with Ryan. It was really bad. Beyond belief.<br /><br />So he finally hangs up and I let people know I was mad that they were doing it, and I get hollered at. As IF I’d ever listen in to Sarah and Ryan talking. Of course Sarah brought up how we listened in to Erica. But that was different. That whole conversation was staged.<br /><br />Then Sarah thinks I’m mad at Josh. Ummm… not really.<br /><br />But… there’s nothing I can think of to do.<br /><br />Then after that happened, she left a comment on his myspace telling him that I bitched Josh out. CUUUUUUTTEEE.<br /><br />I am not going to miss her when she leaves.<br /><br />Much.<br /><br />If she wouldn’t bring him up so much, there wouldn’t be such a problem. When he’s not the issue, then everything’s fine. It’s always this way when there’s a guy involved.<br /><br />If she had told me she liked him in the first place, I wouldn’t have added him as a friend in the first place.<br /><br />Oh wow, this is SO NOT even worth discussing at this point.<br /><br />I have homework. And school tomorrow. And hopefully a letter from Ryan waiting…<br /><br />And that’s all she wrote.<br /><br />XXXxxxxx*tear*xxxxxxXXX<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-6697846909530258922?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-48342974317398785962006-12-29T00:15:00.000-05:002006-12-29T00:29:27.486-05:00I have become addicted to staying up wayyyyy past my bedtime to do stupid stuff like update blogs…<br /><br />But…<br /><br />Things have been going crazy amazing/gung ho on the ryan front. We are now having >1 hr long phone conversations…!!!! It’s crazy! And our phone convos are just like the online convos (with all the randomness), except… different. And by different I mean I don’t have as much time to think about what I’m saying so I feel like I come across as kind of stupid… but that could be just me.<br /><br />And I have a secret… Which is probably not much of a secret come to think of it…<br /><br />{the boy has a crazy hott voice.}<br /><br />That’s right. H-o-DOUBLE-t. We are talkin’ male super model caliber here. Which, while completely dazzling to listen to, makes me feel just a tad bit intimidated. But it’s gotten less and less so as time progresses (and I get more used to hearing it.)<br /><br />But it’s like midnight and I am ready to pass out… But not before saying that I’ve probably spent more than two hours talking to Ryan just tonight, and he’s calling me tomorrow…!!! Which means I should think of things to say now… so I’m not searching while on the phone. But anyway… I don’t think I’ll remember any of the last five minutes in the morning.<br /><br />GOOOODDDDNNNIIIIGGGHHHTTTTT!!!!!!<br /><br />&hearts; ze kitten de smitten<br /><br />xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-4834297431739878596?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-17002217010410589022006-12-15T21:25:00.000-05:002006-12-15T21:37:50.874-05:00Hey.<br /><br />This is going to be short cuz I’m sleepy. And sick. And sleepy.<br /><br />Went and visited Sarah today. That was pretty fun. Erica was supposed to come too, but she went home sick halfway through the day so it was just Celeste, Jen and I. We made muffins and looked at pictures and… it was pretty fun. But weird because I talk to Sarah a lot on the phone so her being back wasn’t weird at all. It was almost like she had never left. But we found out that Jen is going to be around for New Years which is not something we look forward to. Her and Josh will no doubt be joined at the hip the whole time (and doubtless a few other places too) so we decided that we may need to sit them both down and have a talk with them. We also wonder when Matt is coming home.<br /><br />I really need to boogey down and write that church newsletter. No more stalling. Time to get to work!<br /><br />We’re going to the mall on Sunday. I am HAPPYYYYYYYPYPYPYPY!!! I haven’t been to the mall in…. forever.<br /><br />Still writing Ryan, although I feel like I’m running out of topics… Gotta work on that too…<br /><br />Well, I basically have no voice now, and can’t breath out my right nair, so I’d say it’s time for beddy bye.<br /><br />Tout mon amour.<br /><br />That’s all she wrote.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-1700221701041058902?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-49198660301968831902006-12-08T22:07:00.000-05:002006-12-08T22:27:10.010-05:00Bonsoir<br /><br />Well, as predicted, I didn’t hang out with Matt on Sunday. And the more I think about it, the more I hate that kid. Really wouldn’t mind never ever ever ever ever ever ever having to see him again. Would not ruin my day, my week, my month or even my year. I saw him yesterday and he’s like “We didn’t hang out!” and all this crap like why he didn’t call me and I’m like “I am the only LeFurgy in the phone book. ” And he goes… “you’re in the phone book?” COULD HE BE ANY MORE STUPID??? THE ANSWER IS NO.<br /><br />Been talking to Ryan lots. And lots. It’s fun, coz… I don’t know, I just really like talking to him. We write twice and three times a day, sheets and sheets (tee hee!) We were doing the comment thing, but they just kept getting longer and longer so we switched to messaging, which is going swimmingly I must say. It’s given me yet another thing to look forward to when going to college. Yaaaaaayyy! I am sort of getting the vibe that he thinks he’s like more mature and older than me, when we’re the same age. Maybe I’m imagining…<br /><br />But seriously, it’s been a huge mood boost.<br /><br />I’m friends with Ross on myspace now. I left him a comment a while ago, but he didn’t say anything back. I don’t think he’s much of a commenteur, but that’s cool, I’m used to it.<br /><br />*Sniff*<br /><br />Anyhoo, he’s def. not sexually neutral come to find out.<br /><br />Yaaaaa…aaaaaa…aayyy!<br /><br />It snowed today. A ton. Bah humbug! Well, I wouldn’t mind if I could run right out and snowmobile, but there’s not really enough snow yet to do anything in and it’s supposed to melt within the next few days. Meh. As long as there’s just some for Christmas, I’d be okay with not having any. Oh… fdshaiofdsamfdklsa….whatever.<br /><br />I have a sneaking suspicion that Sarah is worried about how much I am talking to Ryan. Hehehehhehehe!!! She left this comment on his myspace and was like “I dreamed you and Amanda were going out! It was a world gone mad!” Hah! But because he didn’t reply and left me a comment that said “Did you see that comment Sarah left me? Good stuff!” on my myspace, she thinks he’s mad. And come to find out, he was talking about it with some other girl down there, which I find pretty funny. Plus, I’m in his top 8 which made me super excited/speechless for a good 5 minutes.<br /><br />Oh happy happy days.<br /><br />C’est tout elle a ecrit<br /><br />{more lovin’ than you’ll ever use}<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-4919866030196883190?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-35786399939351403982006-11-28T21:33:00.000-05:002006-11-28T21:52:16.101-05:00Hello<br /><br />This post is mostly the result of boredom. But that’s cool I guess.<br /><br />Good day today.<br /><br />Really good actually.<br /><br />If I had to pick between the words “sexy” and “comfy” to describe my day, I would have to pick comfy.<br /><br />Greenlaw moved the tables back into the little clusters they were in before. Which equals more Amanda-Ross eye contact. Which makes me all YAAAY inside. But we are still uncertain as to whether or not Ross is sexually neutral or not. I hope not. I’d sooo much rather go out with Ross than Matt. Just coz I know Ross is a good kid. And I like him muchly. And he’s never treated me like crap. And he’s funny. And he thinks I’m funny too… I think.<br /><br />If Matt weren’t so freakin’ HOT and good on the guitar and has a hot friend. Then, things would be so much easier. <br /><br />We may possibly be hanging out this weekend. But I’m really not getting my hopes up. Really not. You don’t. even. know.<br /><br />Remember how I was talking to that Ryan kid? Ya, well, I told him how Sarah rambles on and on sometimes about things I don’t really care about? She does the same thing to him and it makes him want to slit his wrists TOO!! Oh man! I really thought I was alone.<br /><br />But back to the Matt thing. You know, I’m beginning to notice (and whether or not I’m way off base is not the issue here) that guys really think I’m hot. Or cute. Or something and they just don’t say anything, so I end up thinking I’m ugly or something. And because I think I’m ugly, I’m ok with going back to hanging out with Matt, who treated me like crap. Sooo, I think that since I’m starting to realize that the world is basically my oyster, I’m less concerned with whether or not Matt likes me.<br /><br />Ohh geez I am really not used to sounding THAT CONCEITED. Please, please forgive me, but I doubt anyways that many people read this, so I’m not deleting what I just said. It’s a huge boost to my fragile ego.<br /><br />& <33<br />Mandy-pandy<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-3578639993935140398?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-73998591402942940422006-11-23T11:44:00.000-05:002006-11-23T12:05:12.268-05:00HAPPY THANKSGIVINGGG!!!<br /><br />Oh man, finally thanksgiving break! Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!<br /><br />I am actually really frustrated right now. And I really hate to admit the reason for this frustration. I don’t want to even say it. On top of all that, it’s really stupid and pathetic and not even worth using bandwidth (or… whatever) for.<br /><br />Matt wasn’t at school for the two days of school that we’ve had this week.<br /><br />And…<br /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">I really missed him.<br /></span><br />This is bad.<br /><br />Very…. Very bad.<br /><br />I kept thinking he was suspended or expelled or something, but he probably just skipped. I mean, who wouldn’t, given the chance? But even that bothers me coz I keep thinking he’s skipping because he doesn’t want to see me for some reason.<br /><br />See? It’s ridiculously silly. The only reason I’m writing this down is to try and get it out of my system. I wish I could believe that nothing’s going to happen because it’s not. IT’S NOOTTT!! Not that I don’t want it to (and incidentally not that I do,) it’s just that I don’t really think he likes me enough to make anything happen. Ooooohhh it’s sooo annoying!!!<br /><br />I’m friends with one of Sarah’s college friends on Myspace. Apparently he likes her, but she’s not really into him. His name is Ryan. I think I freak him out a little, but it’s cool I guess. I think I mostly asked him to be my friend as a joke, and hopefully he realizes that, but I don’t really want to straight up tell him that. I may have to though later on. hahahahahahahahahaha……hahahahahah…..hahaha.<br /><br />I’m thinking about getting this haircut sans fake snow:<br /><br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/7067/2788/1600/545722/DSCF0460.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger2/7067/2788/320/549287/DSCF0460.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />There’s this place in Hallowell called The Lux that I’m going to try hopefully this weekend sometime. Maybe even tomorrow. I hope it’s not a mistake…<br /><br />Well, I’m smelling gorgeous food and I want to partake.<br /><br />&amp;<33 Amanda<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-7399859140294294042?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-1163904906812189412006-11-18T21:32:00.000-05:002006-11-18T21:55:06.823-05:00Hey!<br /><br />Well, more interesting news.<br /><br />I did tryouts for the musical that’s going on. Knowing full well that I’d get a dinky part.<br /><br />And I did.<br /><br />I’m villager #1.<br /><br />First on the list of villagers (as if that means something.)<br /><br />But guess who else tried out? Matt that’s who. He’s in it too. Which means I’ll prolly have to be seeing him like every day. Hmm… Good? Bad? I don’t know. Of course fricken Molly Crate also got a (probably non villager) part. Sheesh. Basically can’t stand her much at all.<br /><br />Oh and btw, I didn’t get a stupid part cuz I suck or anything, it’s cuz I can’t do things on Friday nights/ Saturdays. Religion issues. Otherwise I’d pwn.<br /><br />So there’s that… and the interesting incident the other day.<br /><br />So I’m helping out with French club duties (I SWEAR I am Mother Theresa reincarnated) and Ms. LaPlante asked us to go down and get a box of food out of one of the classrooms. And of course, it weighs a bloody ton. So I ended up having to be like almost parallel to the ground trying to push the box down the hall (I was parallel cuz it was a really short box.) So we get it on to the elevator and I push it maybe six feet down the hall and for some reason I just can’t get it to move any more.<br /><br />Just at that moment, who should stick their head into the hall but Matt. He’s like “Hey how’s it goin?” so I’m like “Good.” Kinda embarrassed cuz of trying to get the box down the hall n stuff so I said “Hey, can you help me move this box?” And of course he bounds right over and tries to pick it up but of course can’t so who ELSE should pop their head into the hall but Mike so they end up both carrying it for me and I’m just like so proud of myself for being so resourceful. And damsel-in-distress-y. So he and Mike put the box in Ms. LaPlante’s room and the following conversation ensues:<br /><br />Me: Did you see you made the play?<br /><br />Matt: Yeah, I saw. I don’t know who that guy is do you?<br /><br />Me: No, no clue. (chyeah right. I could basically recite that whole play.)<br /><br />Matt: You’re in it right?<br /><br />Me: Yeah, I’m in it. Are you gonna do it?<br /><br />Matt: Yeah! Of course! (who’d of thought he would be so into drama?)<br /><br />Me: Sweet! Well, see ya.<br /><br />Etc. etc. etc.<br /><br />Hmmm…<br /><br />Actually, I don’t know what to make of all this. It kind of makes me happy, but then part of me is like “Don’t get your hopes up, who knows when he’ll pull something like last time?” And I know that that could easily happen. I keep telling myself that if I just make nice then I can actually get to do the band thing. I dunno.<br /><br />I soooooooooOOOOOooOOOO don’t want to like him again.<br /><br />But I can feel myself slipping every time I see him.<br /><br />&<33<br /><br />Amanda<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-116390490681218941?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-1163179710388559552006-11-10T11:52:00.000-05:002006-11-10T12:28:30.490-05:00Wow.<br /><br />Holy wow.<br /><br />Man, was last night weird or what?<br /><br />Actually all of yesterday was weird.<br /><br />So…<br /><br />I thought like anything between Matt and I was over, even any possibility of us being band mates or something. Which, btw didn’t make me too upset, I was just kinda mad I couldn’t fulfill my life dream of being in a band.<br /><br />But ANYWAY,<br /><br />I’m just sitting in chorus minding my own business (after of course the compulsory “Hey Amanda, how’s it goin’?” “Hey Matt, pretty good.” ), when he’s like “Are you in JMG?”<br /><br />Am I in JMG?!? (Jobs for Maine Grads. AKA The class people take if they don’t plan on going to college.)<br /><br />Do I LOOK underprivileged to you?<br /><br />“No.”<br />“Oh, well are you going to the induction ceremony tonight? I don’t know why you would, but me and Mike are gonna be playing for it. You should come see us.”<br />“Oh really, what time?”<br />“It’s at six.”<br />“Huh. Cool. I’ll see if I can make it.”<br /><br />During the WHOLE conversation, John, Matt’s chorus buddy is standing (well, sitting if you want to get technical) behind him, like mouthing “Yeah! Yes! Go! Do it!” and doing thumbs up and basically convulsing and otherwise distracting me from what Matt’s saying, which leads me to believe that Matt was talking to him about it for some reason.<br /><br />After chorus:<br /><br />“So are you gonna come to the thing tonight?”<br />“Yeah, I’m gonna try if I can get gas money. What are you guys playing?”<br />“We dunno, but it’s gonna be sweet.” (Typical.) Then he goes back over to where John is (now) standing and starts talking to him. Wheird.<br /><br />Anyways, I eventually convinced Jen to go with me so I wouldn’t have to be there all by myself.<br /><br />So 6:00 rolls around and me and Jen are all situated and we take a look around and realize that this is a parent’s deal. And only a very few parents at that. Plus, come to find out, Matt isn’t even IN JMG. I kept asking myself “What am I DOING here?”<br /><br />They did the one song and Jen and I sat through what was probably the most poorly rehearsed, BORING ceremony of our lives and it was over within 45 min. We found out there were free whoopee pies, so after we ran right out and got ourselves one. I hadn’t talked to Matt yet, and it sort of looked like I wasn’t going to. The douchebag didn’t even have the manners to come over and say hi, I was going to have to talk to him even though he invited me. But Jen eventually talked me into it and I went over to where Matt and Mike (and Mike’s little girlfriend. What is it with Mikes and pocket-sized skanky girls?) were hanging around (Matt was going at the guitar like crazy.) So I walk over and the following conversation ensued:<br /><br />Me: Hey guys!<br /><br />Mk&Mt: Hey!<br /><br />Mt: Did you get here in time to hear the song?<br />(I’m thinking, what the hell? I thought he saw us walk in.)<br /><br />Me: Yeah, I saw the whole thing. You guys are good!<br /><br />Mt: It would have been better with you in it.<br /><br />Mk: Yeah you should sing with us.<br /><br />Me: (knowing nod to Mk) So you guys are doing harmony now huh?<br /><br />Mt: Yeah a little (laugh from both.) We need to get together and jam.<br /><br />Me: Yeah, definitely. Well, I got my whoopee pie, so I’m outta here. See you guys later.<br /><br />Etc. etc. etc.<br /><br />Yeah, it was weird, but nice and (mostly) un-awkward. It made me glad that I talked to them and therefore made the evening not a total waste.<br /><br />And there’s a good 99.9999% chance that I’ll never ever be in that band.<br /><br />Unless…<br /><br />I tell them about the winter carnival talent show.<br /><br />Which I might/will do.<br /><br />Oh man, sucked back into the vacuum cleaner of boy issues. Fun times ahead.<br /><br />And she has written far more than enough.<br /><br />xxxxx <3<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-116317971038855955?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-1162940007637089822006-11-07T17:41:00.000-05:002006-11-07T17:53:27.650-05:00Well hello.<br /><br />Well, I must say, for the most part, things have been going very smoothly.<br /><br />Boringly, but smoothly.<br /><br />I still really need to get a job. I need to just take a day and go around filling out applications all over the place like I did last summer. Again. Even though nobody wanted me then, maybe they will have changed their minds.<br /><br />Of course Alex gets a job at the first place she applies. I guess I must just be too picky about where I work. Hmmmm…<br /><br />Guy front’s good…I guess. Nothing amazing, but nothing that leaps out and depressed the hell outta me. I’ve gotta make some fast progress on Ross if I wanna go to snowball with him. Ehhh who knows. But I think Matt has finally gotten the picture, which is good for me. Mike is still going out with midget ho (HAHAHAHA). Pete has entered the picture, but a.) he’s really, really, REALLY quiet and b.) apparently he does drugs. Umm, not cool.<br /><br />So, yeah!! Sweet!<br /><br />Now it’s just time to try and snag me one.<br /><br />But now I must eat.<br /><br />Sad that boys should occupy so much of my time.<br /><br />Laterrr!<br /><br /><33 Amanda<br /><br />P.S. TOTALLY rocked the vote for the first time everrr today! Democracy in action GO!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-116294000763708982?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-1161489380130379032006-10-21T23:44:00.000-04:002007-12-02T11:42:52.009-05:00Yeah, so this has been an interesting weekend…<br /><br />So Josh n Sarah came back for a visit.<br /><br />I had really high hopes for this weekend. I thought, “Yes! I’m going to get to spend some quality time w/ people I’ve really missed lately.” Oh no. It’s never that easy. I got to spend lots of time with Sarah, which was nice, but Jen managed to monopolize Josh for the whole time. Here’s a basic overview of what went on:<br /><br />So Thursday went fine. We surprised a bunch of people with Sarah (not many people knew she was home) and went and visited Josh at a football game. All was well. Nothing out of the ordinary. And then, Friday, we had the sleepover, but Jen and Josh ended up getting really chummy and holding hands and laying in each other’s laps and it was just like Can’t we talk without having to look at you guys fondling each other? (answer: No.) Sarah and I ended up going downstairs cuz we couldn’t look at it anymore. But finally, we ended up going to bed (and by we, I mean everyone except jen and josh.) And apparently, they did stuff after we went to bed that would cause Jen to wear a turtleneck to church and a scarf later on. Chyeah.<br /><br />Long story short… they basically just made out the whole car ride back from Portland. We got to listen to the macking sounds coming from the backseat. Awesome. And Erica was back there with them while it all went on! I think I’m gonna have a hard time having much respect for Jen after this.<br /><br />It was just really dumb.<br /><br />As is so many other things.<br /><br />But Tuesday’s my birthday, so all is right with the world for the most part. I guess.<br /><br />And she wrote nothing more.<br /><br /><33<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-116148938013037903?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-1160789882006638352006-10-13T21:36:00.000-04:002006-10-13T21:38:02.030-04:00Well, I’ve been nice and lazy and haven’t written for eons, so I guess it’s time to talk about what we learned today!<br /><br />Sorry I sort of have veggie tales on the brain.<br /><br />School’s going pretty nicely. I’m enjoying being on open campus and…just having a good time. Mostly. Of course there’s always got to be something wrong. Like a certain annoying someone popping back into the picture unbeknownst to me. And one of the few decent guys left doesn’t seem to care that I exist. Well, I guess it’s time for clarification.<br /><br />Matt T. has been bugging me to be in his band, which would, incidentally, consist of just…me and him. And guess what?!?! Since I was kind of caught off guard and hate confrontation to begin with, I said yes. How stupid do I get exactly???<br /><br />But when you get down to brass tacks, I was sort of planning on saying yes to that anyway. The best part of our pseudo relationship thingy was the time I got to sing with his band. I don’t really mind being just…JUST… friends with him and singing whilst he plays guitar, but I couldn’t possibly care any less about being in any sort of relationship, even a pseudo relationship, with him. And I hope to eventually make that painfully clear. Because it seemed when he was asking me if I wanted to “jam” that there was more to it than just the band bit. I don’t think I can explain it and maybe I’m way off base, but it just felt like there was some innuendo somewhere in there.<br /><br />Well enough about THAT little blemish on my social life…<br /><br />The guy I happen to REALLY like… I don’t know, it just seems like he’s not really the dating type and if he was, I’d kind of be like really low on the totem pole. It just seems like it’s never going to happen. I don’t know what I can do to make things interesting, and to be honest I don’t really know if I want things to be interesting or not. Non-interesting is nice too sometimes after an extended interesting period. Especially when there’s going to be an even more interesting period ahead.<br /><br />And guess what basically made my life? Mike’s got a girlfriend…who’s like 3 feet tall…and is really disgusting and not even CLOSE to his type! HAH! Plus, she’s a freshman. And an annoying one at that. She used to hang out with Jocelyn Richards for crying out loud. Whatever. If he’s that desperate… It just seems insanely ironic that he thinks that much of himself and he ends up with HER for a girlfriend. Too much, simply too, too much.<br /><br />Well at any rate, I need to take a shower.<br /><br />Boys are tres tres stupide. C’est tout. Mais, c’est ils que j’adore. C’est la vie.<br /><br />C’est tout elle a ecrit.<br /><br /><33<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-116078988200663835?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-1158095442059911802006-09-12T16:55:00.000-04:002006-09-12T17:10:44.946-04:00Well once again, it is back to ye olde grind. Harrrrumppphhhh.<br /><br />But school isn’t quite as bad as it could be. Could be much worse. I guess… perhaps not, but at least it’s bearable. I absolutely <3 studio art. ‘Tis the very best of all my classes. It’s also nice to have Jen in chorus with me. Somebody nice and normal to talk to, as opposed to someone nice and abnormal to stare at, mouth agape with sheer je ne sais quoi. Yeah, and Matt’s in there again, which makes for a fun time. Blech.<br /><br />The trip to Michigan was nice. A pain cuz I had to miss school which equaled sucky makeup stuff. And because we took the Volvo which meant itty bitty existing space, which equaled a very cranky me. But it was nice to stay in cool motels and get stared at by people I can bet I’ll never see again. I like to imagine that every guy I catch looking at me thinks I’m hot, but in reality they’re prolly like “What the heck is she wearing?”<br /><br />The wedding was very nice, but unfortunately there was nobody my age to dance/converse with. They were either all under 10, or all waay over 30. Bad mix. So Celeste and I spent a lot of time standing outside on the deck of the country club talking about sundry things and making phone calls to Josh. Yeah I guess while I was gone, Sarah and he called me on my cell. I saw that Josh had called me a few days later and called him back, but he was in the middle of studying and didn’t even talk much, which made me sad, cuz that’s really not like Josh at all. But then Celeste reminded me that he doesn’t like to talk on the phone. Which is dumb, but true.<br /><br />Got a haircut. Kinda hate it, but of course, what else is new? But it’s growing on me luckily. Hah, <em>growing</em> on me. Oooohh I… need sleep.<br /><br />Better go do something or I’ll hate myself in the morning.<br /><br />All she wrote.<br /><br /><33<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-115809544205991180?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-1156299132945745832006-08-22T21:58:00.000-04:002006-08-22T22:12:12.960-04:00Yo<br /><br />Haven’t posted in forever.<br /><br />Everyone has left. Everyone. It’s now just myself, Celeste, Jen and Erica. It is terribly sad.<br /><br />We just got back from a fun/relaxing week at Camp Lawroweld. It was very nice and very spiritually uplifting. The only mar on that lovely experience was our resident crazy church lady having a fit about a so-called abomination. It seems that she is against, very against women wearing pants and anything that has anything remotely to do with fashion. Usually she isn’t quite as forward with it but this time she got up and handed out pamphlets and basically freaked out. It was bad.<br /><br />But what I say is… SUCK IT!<br /><br />Did some painting the other day. I painted a picture of a rose on a blackish grayish background. Very pretty and pleasing to look at.<br /><br />Did school shopping recently *sob, sob* I really don’t want to go back, mostly because I’m tired of EVERYONE at school. They all make me sick. But another, almost bigger part of me wants to go back and finally be useful. I’ve been so useless for so long. I miss having some sort of purpose. But I will soon enough have one.<br /><br />I guess we’re going out to Michigan to go to my cousin’s wedding. Yay, I get out of some school! Whatever.<br /><br />I had to go to a play for AP Sr. English, and guess who I saw? Mike, that’s who. And Allison, Kristen and Michelle. But they weren’t with Mike. He was with his parents. Lol. He is tres lovely to behold but kind of a bum wipe. That’s how most lovely-to-behold boys go. It’s the not-so-lovelies that are truly sweet and kind and that really love you. I only wish I could grasp that. I must work hard at it. Looks are next to nothing in the end.<br /><br />And other than that, it’s been kinda boring. Except for a few rouge shopping trips which were obviously not boring.<br /><br />Annnd she’s sick of writing, therefore that’s all she wrote.<br /><br />Loves and kisses<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-115629913294574583?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-1154278382435035122006-07-30T12:39:00.000-04:002006-07-30T12:53:02.446-04:00Yo.<br /><br />Not much new.<br /><br />Except for Dad’s back is acting up.<br /><br />Normally, things of this nature shouldn’t really affect the rest of the family’s life should it? I mean the occasional fetch-n-carry isn’t going to kill anyone. But this has escalated into something far, FAR worse than that. Since his back has been out, he’s spent almost a week of staying up all night MOANING to beat the band. I’m not talking about the occasional sigh o’ frustration; this is like an all night orgy. It’s CRAZY!!! The worst one a few nights ago ended with me having to drive down to the grandparent’s house to get some pain meds. That’s when Celeste found out Nana has a dental crown, and she happened to not be wearing it that night, and it kinda freaked her out. Luckily I was too distracted by Papa’s unbuttoned shirt to notice.<br /><br />And besides that I’ve had to go to a bunch (well two, but believe me it feels like thousands) of shows with Dad to help him unpack. I don’t know how he does it. Antique shows have got to be the single most boring things on the planet. Well sitting an antique booth is anyways.<br /><br />I’m such a whiner. Oh well, that timeo’themonth’ll do it to ya every time.<br /><br />Speaking of which, I need to go find some Advil or something…<br /><br />And some food…<br /><br />I really wish Ehren would write me back. There’s been a huge lull and I’m getting bored. Josh hasn’t even written back yet. ?!?!??? .<br /><br />The more I talk to Ehren the more I realize how much I miss him. Or at least having someone semi intelligent to talk to. I wish I wasn’t so drawn to the self-involved, philosophical types. ‘Tis life, I would imagine.<br /><br />He wants one of my CDs. I can’t imagine why.<br /><br />And that’s all she wrote.<br /><br />xxx<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-115427838243503512?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-1153600221826026412006-07-22T16:21:00.000-04:002006-07-22T16:30:21.840-04:00Hey.<br /><br />Not much new going on, and by not much I mean NOTHING.<br /><br />Sarah’s leaving soon. I wish I was her.<br /><br />Matt won’t talk to us anymore. I try to be sociable and say hi, and I barely get a response. He’s lucky we look at him, the little bastard.<br /><br />I’ve started writing Ehren again. I’ve decided not to tell anyone, cuz I know I’ll just get crap for it. It’s kinda nice. Like venting to a blog but actually getting constructive responses. And this time he’s not all talking about his girlfriend. Major plus.<br /><br />We’re hopefully going on a boating thing tomorrow. Hopefully it won’t rain, and if it does, we will have already left.<br /><br />I guess I’m going to see the devil wears prada tonight. Looking forward to it. I just hope we won’t run into Mike or someone similar.<br /><br />Broke a date with Willie as the last entry will (not so clearly) demonstrate.<br /><br />Aaannndd<br /><br />I can’t think of anything else to say.<br /><br />Soooooo<br /><br />Bye.<br /><br />xxx<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-115360022182602641?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-1153370798224057052006-07-20T00:44:00.000-04:002006-07-20T00:46:38.236-04:00<strong>Disclaimer:</strong><br /><strong>Ok this entry isn’t going to make any coherent sense whatsoever. You’ve been warned.<br /></strong><br />Willie’s a nice guy, but I just have this really sick feeling about it. I don’t like him, I never have and there’s a freaking good chance I never will. I guess I should just send him the letter. But why am I feeling like I shouldn’t send it? I guess I’m worried he’ll be upset and spread nasty rumors about me. And why don’t I want to go out with him? He’s annoying and, yes I’m big enough to admit it, I don’t think he’s very hot. And even if he was hot, he’s too annoying to be attractive. He’s good friend material and if I hadn’t called this a date then there probably wouldn’t have been [as much of a] problem. I guess the main reason I’m feeling like I shouldn’t turn him down is because he’ll be upset and I really haven’t had anything excitingish happen yet this summer in the boy dept. BUT I NEVER LIKED HIM TO BEGIN WITH SO I DON’T KNOW HOW THIS WOULD BE EXCITING. Well besides the fact I could say I went on a date. But it doesn’t really count for much if I don’t like the guy. And who’s to say he’d be heartbroken? I doubt I’m the only one out there he could go out with. At least I hope I’m not. And as far as I’m concerned, I’d rather not go out with anyone than go out with someone I don’t like. It’s not fair to them, and what’s more, it’s not fair to me. Even if my head’s bleeding with boredom, I’d rather let it bleed than go against my morals. Or whatever.<br /><br />Yep, sending the letter’s what I have to do. And I feel ok about it.<br /><br />Geez I love online journals!<br /><br />XXX times 1,000<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-115337079822405705?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-1152763675615112302006-07-12T23:52:00.000-04:002006-07-13T00:07:55.633-04:00Hey.<br /><br />Definitely saw Pirates of the Caribbean II twice over this past week. Chyeah. Got my Johnny Depp fix for like… a while. The next one had better come out soon or I smell a lawsuit.<br /><br />But so far, my fave is the first one. You can watch that one through and not be clawing your eyes out with anticipation by the time it’s over.<br /><br />I kinda think it would be cool if Elizabeth and Jack hooked up. That would certainly be an unexpected turn in her taste in guys. But whatever, either way.<br /><br />I kinda like that creepy rasta chick with the black teeth that’s in the second one. Even though she’s like totally repulsive. I wish I could talk the way she does. I dunno. I’m weird.<br /><br />Yep, was getting rather frustrated with Sarah tonight. I love how she treats me like a complete idiot. I just took a deep breath and thought over and over “She’s leaving soon, just smile and pretend you’re deaf.” But I will undoubtedly be sad to see her go. Matt didn’t put in an appearance tonight. Hmmm. I wonder to myself if he is still upset that he found out the Cote’s don’t like him. Well that isn’t our fault. What-hever.<br /><br />Ehhh…<br /><br />I should go to bed, but that would be boring. Talking to myself is much more fun.<br /><br />It is SOOO HOTTTT!!! CAN’T…TAKE…THE HEAT…<br /><br />I should go to the gym tomorrow. Hah.<br /><br />That’s all she wrote.<br /><br />xxx<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-115276367561511230?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-1152497903142094362006-07-09T22:15:00.000-04:002006-07-09T22:18:23.173-04:00Hey.<br /><br />I really wish I’d done this last night, back when emotions were running high and thoughts were clear and sharp as a razor blade. Yeah, you know I’m the BS master.<br /><br />But I’m being serious now. Even if it is rather corny…<br /><br />I went through so much last night. Sadness, anger, empathy, self-loathing, and more regret than is imaginable.<br /><br />I thought I would be ok. I hardly ever cry. I usually only cry at stupid little things that mean nothing. Never anything important, like the death of relatives. But I saw Jen crying Saturday night, and I knew you two liked each other and how hard this must be for her. I went in after her and Sarah and gave her a hug and I just broke down. The realization that we would all never be together again like we were and the fact that I had lost my best guy friend just came crashing down on me. Sort of like an anvil in those Road Runner cartoons.<br /><br />And the entire time, all I could think about was how mean to you I have been. How I should have taken more advantage of our time together after I found out you were leaving. And how much I wished I had cried before you left, just so you could see how much you meant to me. To everyone.<br /><br />All I could think to say to you when you left was “Kick their butts.” How truly uncreative and SAD is that??!!?<br /><br />The horrible part about it was that I felt like I had no call to cry over your leaving. Almost like I didn’t deserve to cry, or to have any emotion about it at all. Your dad kept going on about how I was the one that got away. That made me feel so guilty. I should have just repressed all that little brother bullshit and gone out with you. It probably would have been the best decision I ever could have made. But Jen probably deserves you waay more than I ever could. She was inconsolable last night. Erica cried too. She was upset that she wasn’t there that last Wednesday.<br /><br />I guess what we all have to realize is that the past is in the past and we just have to make the best of whatever we have left.<br /><br />What worries me more than anything is that you’ll forget us back here once you have all your new friends, and you’ll never want to come back and see us. Please don’t forget us up here all by ourselves. Soon it’ll only be the manning girls and…that’s it.<br /><br />I really really REALLLLY hope you hate it down there. We all do.<br /><br />Love, Amanda.<br /><br />xxx<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-115249790314209436?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-1152196286695541362006-07-06T10:19:00.000-04:002006-07-06T10:31:26.733-04:00Apathy is setting in…Yawn.<br /><br />Arizona is coming today. They were supposed to come yesterday, but Aunt Bev allegedly had a gallbladder attack. Sounds painfull.<br /><br />Made 60 bucks working for Sharon yesterday. YAY! Just in time for possible mall trips with the arriving relatives. Je suis une kitten de psyched.<br /><br />I guess I’m going to be hanging out with Willie in the near future. If I haven’t said anything about him before, let me just say that he used to “stalk” me. Well I didn’t know who he was and he found my Xanga and started talking to me on IM and then he’d say like what I was wearing and I didn’t know who he was, soooo yeah. I ended up blocking him. I think he’s still blocked, but I don’t go on IM very much lately. I don’t really feel the need.<br /><br />So anyways, I guess he’s kind of come around since then. I talked to him a lot this past year and he’s asked me out before, but I said I didn’t know him very well, so no. But then I realized I was all excited to go out with Matt whom I barely knew at all. So I decided since I’m a little bored (to say the least) that I ought to give Willie a chance.<br /><br />Like I have said many, many times, I am freaking Mother Theresa.<br /><br />No but seriously, Willie is a nice kid. And he actually likes me for me (as far as I can tell). Unlike Matt who only liked me for my voice.<br /><br />But now… I must clean my room and do summer AP work.<br /><br />Dood bye you baad bad putty tat.<br /><br />xxx<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-115219628669554136?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-1151988157008261792006-07-04T00:26:00.000-04:002006-07-04T00:42:37.016-04:00Well… Camp was… fun.<br /><br />I guess.<br /><br />But it kinda sucked, cuz Josh was all cozy like with Jen, and Matt was all cozy like with Erica (EEEEWWWW!!!) Good lord are they friggin’ BLIND???<br /><br />I mean COME ON!! All Matt wants is a lil sumpin sumpin from Erica cuz Jen has finally seen the light, and Erica doesn’t get it. Even the thought of them doing ANYTHING together is repulsive. I mean Erica’s what…? Thirteen? And Matt’s what…? SEVENTEEN?????<br /><br />Chyeah. ‘Swhat I thought. It’s grosssssss.<br /><br />So for the most part it was all couple-y couple-y so Celeste, Sarah and I all had to kind of keep to ourselves, cuz the couple-y couples all wanted to be alone. It’s SOOOooooOOOOoooo STUPID!<br /><br />And I hate to say this, but I really just can’t stand being around Erica any more. It’s hard to put my finger on exactly why. I guess it’s just the little things, like doing that sex moaning for no apparent reason, not even to be funny, and waving her abnormally large boobs around (i.e. standing so close that they’re touching your arm.) And THEN there’s the uber annoying fake laugh that is far too common with her. And that’s just the explainable reasons. You’d have to know her to understand.<br /><br />In other news…<br /><br />Went to the beach today with Sarah and Celeste. It was very exciting. We got lost twice, but I was very proud of myself for not freaking out, even when my breaks almost wouldn’t work. Just enough stress to keep it exciting. But the weather was perfect and… it was just a really nice day. I still don’t have much of a tan. Must keep working at it.<br /><br />Need to start working on summer work and my concert shpiel thing. Yeah, more on that later.<br /><br />And that…isallshewrote.<br /><br />xxx<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-115198815700826179?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-1151987118500181222006-07-04T00:20:00.000-04:002006-07-04T00:25:18.510-04:00<div align="center"><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/8182/2329/1600/DSCF0335.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/8182/2329/320/DSCF0335.jpg" border="0" /></a> Josh and Erica building some pancakes (Make sure your health insurance is up to date!)</div><div align="center"><br /></div><p align="center"><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/8182/2329/1600/dock.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/8182/2329/320/dock.jpg" border="0" /></a> We spent loads of time on the dock (as always). (That's me on the bottom!)</p><p><br /></p><p><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/8182/2329/1600/DSCF0336.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/8182/2329/320/DSCF0336.jpg" border="0" /></a></p><p align="center">And, uh.... Matt sleeping...I guess... After a night of staying up ALL NIGHT. I kid you not.<br /></p><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-115198711850018122?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-1151552734033538682006-06-28T23:44:00.000-04:002006-06-28T23:45:34.046-04:00Wow. What a truly horrible day.<br /><br />Yeah. Has your head ever started bleeding out of sheer boredom? Pretty sure mine did.<br /><br />Idk, Erica was over today, so it just seemed like I couldn’t do any of the things I normally could, even though I could, because technically, she wasn’t stopping me…whatever. I’m guessing I’m starting my period or something, cuz that’s usually the explanation for hellatious days like this.<br /><br />Then, instead of having the usual Wednesday night thing, we had a game night of sorts (minus the games.) Mum was pissed because, well… we forgot to tell her we were having people over. I felt really bad about it, and I even washed dishes while Josh and Sarah sat in my living room all aloney.<br /><br />Speaking of Josh, he found out about everything that went on with Matt and Jen. He was pissed to say the least. He is denying that anything is going on between him and Jen. I feel really bad for Jen, because I think she really likes him and either he likes her and is denying it straight to her face or… he just doesn’t like her. But I kind of don’t think that’s possible. Sarah was being all disappointed by the fact that he doesn’t like her. Number one, she takes EVERYTHING he says waay too seriously. Number two, if he truly doesn’t like her, then she needs to accept it instead of WHINING.<br /><br />Of course, who’s to say that he does like her? It’s all too terribly confusing. Boo friggen Hoo.<br /><br />I reaallllllyyy neeed a huuuuuggg. And there’s nobody to give me one. *Sniff* Makes me sad.<br /><br />Going to the gym tomorrow. Whoopeee. Flabless me, here I come! WooT!!<br /><br />Life just bites. Hard.<br /><br />And that’s all she wrote.<br /><br />xxx<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-115155273403353868?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-1151511000681853962006-06-28T12:08:00.000-04:002006-06-28T12:20:10.803-04:00<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/8182/2329/1600/DSCF0333.jpg"><img style="CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/8182/2329/320/DSCF0333.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />Finally finished my crane project. You can’t really see my dresser in this shot, but they’re all hanging over my dresser. Very pretty I think.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-115151100068185396?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-1151258391935370262006-06-25T13:44:00.000-04:002006-06-25T13:59:51.946-04:00Well it has been several days and still nothing from any of the places I applied to.<br /><br />Truth be known, I’m not even sure if it has been a week yet.<br /><br />I GOT MY GUITARRRRR!!!! IT IS SOOO PRETTYYYYYY!!!!! Now all I have to do is to learn how to play it. Well, play it the way a rockin’ electric guitar should be played.<br /><br />I needs sing for camp meeting tomorrow night. I’m a bit scared cuz I’m still not 100% positive about which song to do. Uh ohs. But, as everyone knows, I’m super Amanda and I can basically kick ass at everything. Chyeah. Don’t believe me? Just ask me.<br /><br />Ohhhhh myyyyy aching creative muscles.<br /><br />I gotta go make SOMETHING. Clothes, purses, paint something, ANYTHING!!!<br /><br />I made a ton of these origami cranes out of pages from magazines that I want to hang around in my room. But as fate (or cruel, cruel irony) would have it, I can’t find tape to save my soul. I may be forced to use packing tape, which would probably hold better than regular scotch tape would anyway now that I think about it. Maybe when I’m done I’ll put pictures of it in here. Yay! More creative crap for me to do! Yaaaaay!<br /><br />There’s this blank canvas I got at the Christmas tree shop for like 3 dollars that is just screaming for me to paint with something uber edgy. Another thing that is screaming for (red) paint is one (don’t know which yet) of the walls in my room. That would be beyond amazing. Must put on begging face.<br /><br />Well I feel a bit tired of typing relentlessly.<br /><br /><em>She was a maestro of craft. Wherever she went, sewing machines hummed, creative thoughts sprang to life and beauty flourished in general. If only she could be cloned…<br /></em><br />xxx<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-115125839193537026?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-1150673280028843482006-06-18T19:16:00.000-04:002006-06-18T19:28:00.036-04:00Hey.<br /><br />Finally summer! Yessssss…ssss….ssssss….ssssssssssssss.<br /><br />Well this will probably be short, cuz I don’t have much to say.<br /><br />I guess Jen and Josh are getting chummy. It’s cute except Josh is leaving and it might end up sucking for Jen. But whatever.<br /><br />We had this Russian guy come to church. His name is Vitelli. No idea how to spell it. He’s like 20. He doesn’t know much English, aaand I guess he came over here to be a janitor at some girl’s summer camp……… yeah I didn’t get it either. He’s really not that cute. I sort of wonder what he’s like. It’s hard telling when you have to explain everything to him. He didn’t know what we meant by trumpet, so Erica and I had to explain. It was pretty funny.<br /><br />Still haven’t gotten a job. I’m going out tomorrow to fill out applications. With wild abandon.<br /><br /><em>She knew that he was just using her. She knew it without a doubt. But she was tired of feeling alone and all she really wanted was to feel someone’s arms around her and to know that she wasn’t all alone. And if this is what it took, then her only choice was to do it.<br /><br /></em>xxx.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-115067328002884348?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-1150236789471333962006-06-13T17:54:00.000-04:002006-06-13T18:13:09.483-04:00Well hellllooooo.<br /><br />I’ve not written in quite a while.<br /><br />A lot of things have happened.<br /><br />I really ought to talk about them<br /><br />Really.<br /><br />But I don’t want to. I really don’t.<br /><br />For the sake of my sanity, we’ll leave it at this: *exasperated sigh*<br />I… wentoutwithmattforthreedays. And by Matt I mean Matt “I LOVE YOUUUU” Farley. Not Matt “ILIKEYOUBUTYOUWON’TSCREWMEEEEE” Tata.<br /><br />Clearly FAR too many Matts in my life.<br /><br />In other news…<br /><br />Dad has put a down payment on a (get this) electric guitar. FOR MEEE!!!! But he still hasn’t paid for the rest of it, which kind of worries me because after like a month (or something like that) they take the hold off of it and and and… I’m scared. That he won’t pay for the rest of it. I asked him the other night when he was going to finish paying for it and he was like “When are you going to pay me my $20?” Which is really STUPID because I didn’t even ask him for this thing.<br /><br />Here’s the story: I went into town w/ him the other day and we went into Pavlov’s looking for batteries, but we ended up checking out the guitars and stuff too. The salesman guy showed us some and played them for us (he was pretty amazing on the guitar by the way) and Dad was all asking how much they were. And I was thinking “Oh, maybe I’ll ask for this for my birthday” but then he’s all asking the guy “Can I do this in payments?” and the guy’s like “If you put money down on it now I’ll give you the batteries for free” So he ended up putting like $100 down on it. Meanwhile I’m just in total and complete shock and sheer joy. But if he doesn’t pay for the rest of it soon, he’ll have blown a hundred bucks on four AAA batteries.<br /><br />School gets out TOMORROW!! *Tears of joy streaming down face* I am SO DONE!<br /><br />Still trying to pin down some employment. Haven’t actually given any of the applications I’ve gotten back yet. Well except for the one I filled out at Mulligan’s today. Chyeah. Damn straight I’ll be making your ice cream. I’d really like to work at Kohl’s or Deb or Barnes and Noble. But you know… money is money.<br /><br />And that’s all that sexy biatch wrote dawg.<br /><br />I’m sorry. There really was no call for that.<br /><br />Anyways.<br /><br />xxx<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-115023678947133396?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-1149620236104066602006-06-06T14:39:00.000-04:002006-06-06T14:57:16.156-04:00Howdy Hoo!!!<br /><br />School…almost…over…must…control…fist…of…death.<br /><br />Yeah today was super awkward in Chorus. We had to do this thing where we had to look at the person across from us and sing some stupid warm up thing and guess who was across from me…That’s right ladies and gents, the people’s choice for asshole of the year, put your hands together for….! Matt “you have a beautiful voice” Tata!! WOOOOO.<br /><br />Yeah I’m not smiling. Times a thousand.<br /><br />But I looked hott, so that’s really all that matters. He F’ed up BIG TIME.<br /><br />Idk, it just sucks that we can’t be friends any more, cuz despite his assholey ways he was kinda nice. Kinda. Maybe….eh who am I kidding, he lied waaaay too much to be nice. But I kinda wanted to be in the band still. Kinda. Maybe…<br /><br />I LOVE ROCK ‘N’ ROLL!!!<br /><br />I want a job superrr badddd. I’m gwana apply at Barnes n Noble and the KJ (hahahahahahahaha) so far. Cheah, I can basically guarantee I’m not working there. But it’s worth a shot I suppose. Whatev. I need employment. I wanna try to apply at Kohl’s and Deb and maybe a ton of others. Just maybe.<br /><br />Kinda nervous about seeing Jeremy this weekend. It’s probably not going to be a little awkward, it will probably be a LOT AWKWARD.<br /><br />I wish I didn’t feel so depressed. Depression…<br /><br />Jen thinks Erica is being a slut around Matt. Haha. Erica is the least of her worries at this point quite frankly.<br /><br /><em>There she was; short but not too short, her brown curls flowing behind her, long silken tan legs beneath her short white skirt. Her angelic eyes darted his way, but only momentarily. He knew he had made a mistake. An uncorrectable mistake, and now, no doubt, her heart belonged to someone who deserved all that she had to offer. And as he watched her walk out of his life, he knew he would never respect himself again.<br /></em><br />And that’s all she penned, dahling.<br /><br />Triple x<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-114962023610406660?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-1148955040907271782006-05-29T21:58:00.000-04:002006-05-31T22:53:45.666-04:00<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/8182/2329/1600/amanda&boys1.0.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/8182/2329/320/amanda%26boys1.0.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div align="center"><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/8182/2329/1600/amanda&boys2.jpg"></a>Me and ze only two guys in my churh. Matt looks like a geek, Josh looks rather suspicious of me, and I've got my eyes shut, but damn am I H-O-double T.</div><div align="center"><br /></div><p align="center"><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/8182/2329/1600/DSCF0301.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/8182/2329/320/DSCF0301.jpg" border="0" /></a>my lil sis tellin me to go help mum make supper</p><p align="center"><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/8182/2329/1600/bdroom.0.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/8182/2329/320/bdroom.0.jpg" border="0" /></a>Meeeee.... in my room... lookin' dreamily up at my ceiling.</p><p align="center"><br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/8182/2329/1600/DSCF0240.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/8182/2329/320/DSCF0240.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />and Sarah my bestest friend ever (and Matt giving her bunny ears. What a card he is.) This is possibly THE coolest picture ever taken.</p><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-114895504090727178?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22846363.post-1148875891840631732006-05-28T23:57:00.000-04:002006-05-29T00:11:31.850-04:00Memorial day weekend is here!!! Yessss! Relief.<br /><br />Tomorrow, I’m hopefully going to apply to a couple of places to see if I can get a job for the summer before all the good ones are taken. I’m really kind of freaked out. I’m mostly worried that I’ll say something incoherent or something stupid like that. I dunno. My best is all I can do.<br /><br />This weekend has been pretty good so far. Went shopping today @ Marden’s with mum. It was quite fun actually and I got a ton of clothes. It was fun being with mum too.<br /><br />I’m allowed to drive people now. It’s pretty exciting. I feel all grown up and shit. S’nice.<br /><br />I’m really depressed that everyone is leaving. Sarah’s going to college, Josh is going to live with his brother far away somewhere and Matt may possibly be going to Canada. Jen thinks he’s going to dump her soon, cuz I guess they planned on calling it quits when he goes away to school. It makes me sad. The whole thing makes me very sad indeed.<br /><br />As does the movie Tristan and Isolde. Man, what a downer.<br /><br />I really want to do some sewing this weekend, but I doubt that will happen with the buttload of homework I have to do tomorrow. It’s basically a hard-knock life for me. Basically.<br /><br />Mum and I saw a dust tornado today going to Marden’s. It was really creepy, and I kind of felt like I was dreaming it. Maybe…it’s some kind of sign.<br /><br />Oh, I guess the biggest asshole who ever walked the earth (ie Matt T.) dumped the Jen Baker chick. Allegedly because she wouldn’t have sex with him. He is SUCH a looser. I hope he… I don’t know I just hope something REALLY bad happens to him for what a jerk he’s been. Jerk!<br /><br />Well, ‘tis late and Lord knows I need my beauty sleep.<br /><br />That’s all she wrote.<br /><br />Amanda<br />*violent kisses*<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/22846363-114887589184063173?l=mandalefurgy.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>that's herhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13704950521830510624noreply@blogger.com0