people call us renegade, coz we like living crazy

well I guess one could say I'm on summer break... but I don't. I'm moved into the new apt. It's really nice and I like the people and everything and the cat hasn't been bothering my allergies that much, so at least that end of it's ok.

But... to be completely honest... I hate it here. I miss my family so much and Sarah seems a lot different/annoying and I wanna see Donnie and I've been sick for the past week (I thought I had Swine flu for a while. Turns out it's some kind of sinus infection which I'm hopefully almost over. I'd better be almost over it. I hate NyQuil.) I'm just really worried that home is going to be a major disappointment. We've moved into an "apartment" of sorts attached to nana and papa's garage. It's really tiny and has one window.

otriegtrjegjklfdjgklfdjgiorejgtrijgklfdjidsjfio rar. I just want to run awayway. 

ugh I should cheer up. I'm going to Josh's graduation next weekend and Donnie's sister's graduation the next. My aunt graciously paid for me to fly to VA instead of me driving the 8 hours alone. I'm sure hearing that that was my plan was all it took for her. I'm glad I have her watching out for me. 

Do you know what I just did though?? I was in a praize band for this really liberal church up the road (well really liberal by Maine standards) It was fun but would have been more fun if I hadn't been coughing up bodyparts through the whole thing. I got to sing a song solo though and was able to hold out for that. So... yay for (sort of) fulfilling my dream of being in a band!!!!..............!!!!!!!!

Work's going okish. I always sort of thought of work more as a function of school and not so much a "job" but now that I'm not only doing veggiemeat but grocery too and working 9-hour days sometimes..... it's def. a job. I mean it's easy enough work but.... again, I hate it here right now.

My dad's been in California for the past week I think? I'm glad he's out there hanging with his cousins, he needs support. If I were him I think I might move out there. But then I imagined the scenario of me going to visit him there with everyone thinking that I'm some crazy bible thumpin'....... person who doesn't love Dad coz I won't renounce religion for him and them just scrutinizing the crap out of me. Not that his family doesn't already do that... hahah. It shouldn't matter either. And it doesn't. And he'd never do that anyway.

I do like california though... sort of.

AAAHHHHH Sarah is kinda getting on my nerves today. She's all talking about some guy who was like playing with her hair or some crap and going on and on like I should be impressed by her prowess with boys or some shit. Uggs I should just shut up about that. Really, it's just the same old story. I hate how it's always so one-uppy with us. I mean, most of the time we're cool but then she gets all pompus like she's better than me or something. I was also kinda put off that she didn't go to my singing thing today for moral support. I know I totally would have gone if she were doing something like that. I guess that's the difference between us.

I just reallyreallyreallyreally want to go home. Reallyreallyreallyrealllyrealllllyyyyyyyyyyy.

I miss the hell out of donnie. He didn't call last night which is making me kinda sad, but it's ok. I really want to tell him about my plane tickets! He doesn't know yet! eeek! I hope he can pick me up at the airport, that might be kind of an issue.

Whhheeeeelllll, I think I'm going to try to call mum and then take a nap. I was going to go out this afternoon, but... bed is just so tempting.

Later <3

you suddenly complete me, you suddenly complete me

I can't freakin' believe it!!

One more day of finals and I'm done! WOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOOO!!! AAAGGG I am so done with school! For now anyway...

Unfortunately I'm sticking around here for another month to work with the lovely and talented VM people. Score!.........not. Well, it means about twelve hundred dollars more than I had before and that's easily like... three times what I made last summer. In a month. So I figure it will be worth it.

I'm staying in a room with Sarah in an apartment with a bunch of other girls who seem pretty cool so far. I think it's gonna be a good time. No curfew, total freedom, sleeping in..... it's gonna be awesome.

Although I'm gonna miss the living daylights out of a certain someone...

I think I've come to accept the level of attachment I have for Donnie finally. I figure the whole point of having a relationship is to be at least somewhat attached to the other person. I hate that I have to try and justify my feelings all the time. That seems like what I've been doing from day one; trying to justify feelings. Or dismiss seemingly unjustified feelings.

I think WAY too much. I believe that is the general consensus of this whole blog.

Anyway, we'll hopefully get to hang out at least a few times this summer. And I'm planning on getting a higher quality webcam too. One with a speaker and one that I don't have to tape to the computer. I want to go visit his family and stuff too at some point. I guess Chris wants me to go to Massachusetts to play music with him and whoever else he can get to be a part of this band apparatus, so maybe I can visit Donnie at the same time.

Mum's all like "Does Chris really not have feelings for you anymore?" I figure it doesn't matter, coz I certainly don't. Ahhhh whatever.

It's really quite hard to come up with blog material when I'm not in a bad mood. I've come to the conclusion that I only write when I'm angsty. hahaha. whatever, its not like anyone actually reads this crap anway.

Donnie's been in kind of a bad mood lately and it makes me sad, especially since these are our last days together before summer starts. He's got really bad allergies and things have been quite off-kilter with his family, so I can't blame him. I hate it when I can't help people feel better, especially him.

I haven't packed a thing.... AKKKKK!!

<3

you afraid to break some bones?

HOKAYY!!

Well... Spring break is pretty much le suck atm.

Dad pretty much bullied me into watching Relidulous. Biggest load of shit I ever saw. If it had been on the news, it would have been news product, like the stupid news type shows on Fox where the newscaster just kind of talks over everyone he's interviewing. Such close-minded shit. And then they interview people who are either a.) truckers, b.) complete whack-jobs or c.) very intelligent people who get their interview sliced in all the right ways, just so it will sound like the right point is being made.

And what makes me even more upset is the fact that he thinks he's trying to have a relationship with us. Like forcing us to watch something that shits all over what we believe in is going to gain him respect/love/brownie points etc.

He doesn't want to be loved. He just wants to be right.

Well he's wrong. SO FUCKING WRONG!

I wish he could see it. I wish he could put himself aside for a second and love me. Not even me, I don't care at this point (really), just love Celeste. She broke out in a rash after he started yelling. If he gave a rat's ass about her he'd be nicer about it.

WHERE IS HIS HUMAN COMPASSION THAT HE'S ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT? I'm convinced he doesn't have any.

Also, heh, I recently found out he had an affair like... a zillion years ago. He started going to church as a sort of pennance. Mum is a much bigger woman than I, as I probably would have left his sorry ass, kids and all.

I really have done far too much swearing in this blog. I'm just so angry! And of course was unable to say any of this to dad because I could kind of sense he just needed to air his thoughts... again. I'm just trying to show him I'm not against him but really he can't keep downing my beliefs all the time. I won't be trod upon.

Like mum.

I shouldn't say that.

I miss Donnie. I'm kind of worried about how much I miss him. Like I should be a little more laid back about it, but he misses me too. And that worries me. It worries me that we are both so into each other so soon. (creeping up on four months... in a month).

He feels like we're meant to be. I don't get any feelings to the contrary really, so maybe we are. I just don't know if I've seen enough sides to him to really know for sure that he's... the ONE. Uggnuggets. I hate that word and everything it stands for. And I don't know why.

I wish I knew what I'm looking for. But I don't.

And I'm all out of complaints. Good night

<3

it's easy babe to make it hard

Thanksgiving!! Yay!

Which means I'm home for the first time in forever. Woots to that.

Things are kinda wierd here. There was a big fight and... long story short, mum plans on divorcing dad after christmas. Wich is teh sux if you ask me. I mean... it's clearly been a long time coming, but... shit, I don't wanna move.

But mum deserves to be happy for a change. And he does bring kind of a stressfulaura into the house. THAT I can do without.

K so... Donnie and I are official. Everything's going pretty well I think. So far. He keeps saying he's having "girl drama." Apparently a bunch of girls are like coming forward with feelings they have for him and he's dating me, soooo... they lose, obviously. One of them happens to be Nadia. Big freakin' surprise. Buut, Donnie keeps saying he only likes me, and I really have no choice but to believe him.

I just wish I knew for real what's going on with that situation. And I hate that I secretly don't believe him. It's not like I have a reason not to. It's not like I've been lied to profusely by boys in the past. And honestly, there's really nothing he could do that would make me believe him, this is just me being crazy and jealous for no apparent reason.

It's just that I wonder if he would be happier with one of them instead of me. I guess that's my main issue, like I'm not (fill in the blank) enough. He's all talking about how he said Nadia should get piercings and she did. How effing lame is that? 

Maybe I should talk to Amith about it... ehh. naah. That would look really bad.

Man, I wish he were here now. I believe this is the first time I've been away from a boyfriend and actually missed him. Weird. Could Amanda be growing a heart?

Well I'm either growing a heart or losing my mind. Probably both.

I may look young, but your game is pre-pubescent

ahh I just added the new blogger gadget for iGoogle. Say hello to shorter, more frequent blog posts? Mmmaaaaaayyyybe...

So I'm vingt now. The thought of not being a teenager anymore has me pretty paranoid. Not gonna lie. But I'm sort of starting to like how oddly sophisticated I feel now. "Ooh, I'm not just nineTEEN anymore... I'M TWENTY BITCHES!!"

hahaha. Or not.

Pretty good birthday overall I'd say. Work was ok, the general harassment by the VM boys, five free dented cans of veggie meat, the usual. Mum sent me flowers and a TON of balloons. Pretty ridiculous. But funny. I had to go to choir practice in the pouring down rain, so I was pretty well drenched by the time I got to the church. NAAAAsty. And of course I stood right behind Michael the whole time. I really wish I could calm the frick down about him. I had a really good view of Ryan, the audacious cymbal player. Hilarious. Then at the end of rehearsal, the entire choir sang Happy Birthday to me, which was a really intense experience. Then I got back to the room and there was a surprise party for me! With papa john's and candy corn. WooT. Sarah M and Laura showed up too, so it was pretty cool.

THEN....

I had made plans to go to vespers with Donnie (as my birthday present from him.... coz he gambles and has no money.) and it was getting near time to go and I hadn't heard from him, so I im'ed him and he's like "oh I'm here I'm here." It was casual dress for this vespers so he's like "do you want me to dress up?" And I'm like "naah don't bother" (but I was going to anyway coz it was kind of a way that I could feel less bad about making him go to vespers... yea idk) So it was time to go and I im'ed him and he didn't say anything back so I just said "I'll be in the lobby, call me." So I waited in the lobby until about five minutes before vespers and he still didn't show, so I just headed over. I was pretty pissed but tried to console myself with the thought that I'd probably be the best dressed person there. Lame, I know.

So I got there and started getting really antsy and sleepy and a touch depressed, so I started to leave and on my way out there's this guy walking towards me in vespers clothes and I thought to myself "Someone didn't get the memo" and it was Donnie. DRESSED UP! I guess he got locked out of his room so that made him late and then he went to the girl's dorm and the desk lady is like "oooh she's gonna be MAAAD." which I thought was hilarious. I was glad he showed up though. Seriously, it was like a movie the way I walked out at the exact right time.

I reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally hope he's not just patronizing me. I hope he's not for his sake. Coz I may just go ape crap on his ass if he is. hahah I can't beleive those words came out of my fingers.

But seriously... I will.

the city will be earth in a short while

Mid-semester break.... is so sweet.

I'm at Sarah's house in Florida right now. It is so nice. And relaxing. And really fun.

People here are really really obsessed with cooking. Like... wow I dunno. I'm like "Let's order pizza!" And everyone else is like "Let's make a five course meal! JOY UNBOUNDED!!"

It's cool though. It's not that I don't like cooking, it's just that I've kind of gotten used to eating right away and not really waiting for food to happen. It's pretty sad actually, so this is a good thing.

I was sooo stressed out about getting down here in one piece. I am really not a fan of driving and whatever, so I switched with Laura and Sarah which was really good. Sarah kind of scared me at first drivingwise, but she's easily as good a driver as I am. Zeke ended up coming with us too, which is fine, but it meant we left at 4:30 and got here at like... midnight. Which sucked quite a lot. I'm REALLY going to make sure we leave at a decent time on Sunday. Like... before noon hopefully.

I can't believe it's already Friday. WAAAAHHHH.

Donnie went to California... Jealousssssss.

Man, I feel like he's playing me so bad lately. I hate it.

I think really far into things. I hate that too. I do that and then I take everything to mean something when it probably doesn't. ugh. rar. and other exclamations of anger.

I sort of feel like I shouldn't hang out with him anymore since it's causing me so much internal strife. But if I didn't have that, I'd probably be depressed too, so I think I'd rather hang out with him than not. Not like we really do much of that anymore. I think we hang out like.... once a week? I see him about every day though. At tennis and at lunch if I'm lucky. And then, that chick is always there. I think I make her a tad nervous though, so... props to me I guess.

RAAATTERJIOFGJERUJIEUHFEFJEJRF I was supposed to somehow avoid all this angst by NOT dating him. But now I sort of want to. But sort of not at the same time. I think I'd rather try dating him than not.

IDONT"KNOWWWWW

And I miss Josh. A lot. I really want to know how the whole trip went... I wonder if that's what Sarah called me about earlier.... hmm I probably should have called her back. I'll call tonight I guess.

I think about really lame stuff. SOO much more to life than boys. Like..... art. Yes.

Oh I went on a pseudo-date with Justin. MAN that was weird. I really didn't want it to be a date (and it wasn't) but I could tell he wanted it to be. He tried to buy me a notebook and possibly coffee, but guys buying me stuff weirds me out as it is, much less one I don't have any intention whatsoever of dating. He's cool and everything, he just reminds me waaayyy too much of Leigh pushard from high school.

I am so shallow. It's sad.

anyway, I guess i should probably stop typing and be social or something. *sigh* More freakin' cooking. hahah.

<333333333333333333333333333333333333

I {do not} Need {you anymore} Truth

Oh man.... Can you say "most useless evening evarr?"

I can. "Most useless evening EVARR!"

So the plan was to go get the comp fixed and buy pancake making stuff.

None of that happened, and I left my comp in this guy's car!! I am such an idiot.

I was gonna have Donnie come with me but then he called back and was like "I'm going with some people to the mall, do you wanna come too?" So I was like "cool" and went. There were these two (I believe they were) Freshmen chicks who came with, and.... HOLY FIRKIN' CRAP were they dumb. Then, the piece de resistance, Clanky Keychain Girl Pants (aka Matt) showed up. He was nearly as annoying as the girls were, clanky keychain wise. hahah.

I'm being catty. I should stop. I believe I have said enough. AHEM!

But anyway, the OTHER dude who came with us, Dan, was pretty cool. I guess he's an English major which is neet. Someone interesting to talk to. At least I could talk to him without him saying "OHMYGODIKNOWRIGHT?" every five seconds.

Crap I said I'd stop that. I'm done.

Hahahah. Whatever. If Donnie prefers idiots, that's his problem.

Also ran into Ryan Moore. Friggin... whatever. That kid is always popping up in the randomest places in my life.

And that kid from the VM... I can never remember his name...Which was cool I guess. I felt cool knowing so many random people.

Man I'm tired. I feel really warm. Maybe I'm sick. I should go to sleep. This blog post is kind of going nowhere.

I got zero work done tonight. IRUT*)E$A(TU$*)EJERIO#*)(#)*TUJELFJD")@$+_!}$)_(#U()%#)%

Shit.